A Return to Life

I lost my best friend

2008-10-01T09:19:00.003-05:00

I will write more. But I have been absent because my dog, became gravely ill.

After an emergency surgery, and tons of care from me, he passed in his sleep monday morning on a palet I had been laying on next to his kennel.

Steph T..... send me a text message, and I will call you.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken.

And I have alot to write about. But just not yet.

I'm here,...I promise

2008-09-02T16:32:00.003-05:00

Ok...

Well... most important thing is first.

TERMINATION OF PARENTAL RIGHTS.

After 2 snarky emails from the EX,...and one 'mystery email' from janedoe12345676@yahoo.com ......

I talked to my attorney today, and he told me that in the mail today, were the signed and notarized papers from the Ex.

Yea!!!

Now all I have to do is file them.

I'm not sure what the next steps are, because he is a few thousand dollars behind in the arrears, (which is what first snarky email was about)

Ana,
I have done everything I can do and begged everyone I know to help me catch up on the money situation to no avail.

I have sold and/or pawned everything I own to try to keep up with my own bills and it is not enough, I'm too far behind.

My house was foreclosed on, I was evicted from my last rent house for not paying the rent and I'm 17 days late on the rent at my current rent house with no idea of how I'm going to catch that up either.

Dingo left the company to get another job a few weeks ago so the business is even worse off than before and she is moving out and leaving me next week.

I am doing side jobs for extra money, but it is still not going to be enough for me to catch up or to EVER afford the amount of child support and much less ever have the money to get another attorney to help me get it lowered to a reasonable amount.

Can we PLEASE move forward with the termination? I am not happy about it, but that is obviously what you want and I HAVE to do something to stop the accrual of these support bills.

They will be revoking my probation any day now and I will not be able to catch it up or even show up in court which means I will be arrested and there is NO chance of me having any money after that.

I have attached a copy of the summary of all of our company bank balances and a copy of the detail statement of our main construction account so that you can see what I'm talking about. There is NO money to be had from me PERIOD.

Virtually every transaction you see on there is auto debits to keep the web site up(our only decent source of income), gas, or me eating with work crews at 7eleven.

We could have had this deal done 3 months ago if y'all had accepted the termination without forcing me to -pay off all of the support.
We could have had this done 12 months ago if you had agreed to let the support be lowered to a reasonable amount.

Now it's so bad that I don't honestly know if I can even save the business and you need to understand that it is NOT just ME who will suffer if the business fails...
We have real customers who have given us their savings and are waiting for me to build their jobs and they will lose their money if I go to jail and the company has to file bankruptcy.

I have real subcontractors with real families who are waiting to be paid and now THEY are all close to getting evicted/foreclosed on, etc.

Dingo's family and my friends have all given us money over the last year or two to get us through this deal and now THEY are all in danger of wasting their investments in this as well.

This has cost me nearly $100,000.00 in after-tax cash, a home, a marriage and I don't even have the benefit of snuggling up to a laughing and playing with Doodlebug which I'm sure would have been a very nice consolation to all this misery, but I'll never know that either.

Enough is enough, Ana this not a game that you are winning because you hate me, this is serious stuff that is ruining multiple lives.

I am going to give the documents to your attorney again next week and you need to get on with making this stop.

I will be available if Doodlebug ever wants to contact me, but I will not ever try to visit or be involved again unless you or he contacts me and asks me to and I'm not promising I'll be able/willing to be involved then either unless it's an emergency or it's just because Doodlebug wants to meet me.

However, once I am able to get back on my fet in a few years, I will be making good money again and you need to keep in mind that it sure would be nice to have me as an ally if something bad ever happens and/or if Doodlebug needs help for college, etc.

I am going to put the rest of my furniture and tools up for sale this week, but I will probably only be able to raise maybe $1500-$3,000 for everything which I will pay to support to try and keep them from revoking my probation, but when you get that money I need you to make good on your previous promise to pay it back into the child support fund. You'll get the money back in 3 days and if you and your attorney can get the termination done, this will be over.

If my contribution and your matching contribution are not enough to pay off the balance of the support, I will make payments or something to pay the rest off, but we have to do something to stop the new payments from coming in because like I said, this is IT. There will never be another chance after this that I'll be able to keep up with those payments.

Please let me know what y'all want to do, I'm sure you can forward this to your attorney, so I won't bother faxing it over and you can tell him not to bother with sending me a letter telling me not to contact you, I already know he doesn't like it. Tell him to save the cost of the postage and buy Doodlebug a granola bar or something useful.

Also, please let me know if you are not willing to do this, because if you are not, then I won't be able to stop the revocation of my probation so I will need to use the money to pay another attorney instead of paying the support.

Also, I'll need the attorney to go ahead and file the transfer motion to Houston

If I don't hear anything back from you in a few days, I'll still send the documents to your attorney, but I'll have to spend the money on an attorney.

Please don't think that's just a threat. I have to do that or I won't have anybody to protect me through the new eviction and the revocation hearings in Hardin county and the only way I'll ever get an actual day in court is if the case is transferred to another county(I hope), which it should be legally anyway.

*sigh*

Then I got this email...to which it is a letter to my attorney:

Dear Ana's Attorney:
I appreciate your concern about my troubles, but the bankruptcy was last year and it’s now been discharged. Remember, that was taking place while you and Ms. Anabiosis were refusing to let anyone believe I was anything less than a millionaire in order to keep my child support payments high. Shortly after that was when my home was foreclosed on.

The impending matter is my 2nd eviction in 6 months, but at least I know the XXXXX County Sheriff’s dept. will have a bed ready for me after you and Ms. Anabiosis get through with me. You know the irony of that is that Doodlebug has not lived even a single day of his life in XXXXXXX County outside of maybe visiting his grandparents. It’s almost funny how you’ve helped Ana cheat the system and break the law. Almost.

Losing Dingo is a real shame, but imagine how much better her life will be without all of this drama! I can only dream…

By the way, I’m glad I still amaze you. I’d hate for you to get bored over there!

OK, back to the matter at hand. As far as the tax stimulus checks are concerned, neither Dingo nor I received our checks and they were reported to have gone to the Child Support office. The other money matters are either not worth discussing because we are in disagreement or are related to the fact that I don’t have money and can’t do much about it right now.

As far as contacting Ana goes, I have not threatened her in any way, unless you think that my desire to hire an attorney is a threat. Additionally, there is no valid reason for her and me not to be in contact. After all, my son lives with her and if I’m not mistaken, I do believe that in Judge ABC’s last ruling he told us to be reasonable and try to work things out on our own without going to court. I can send you a copy of the ruling if you have forgotten. Regardless, I will continue to contact her regarding this matter, at will, as long as she is in possession of my son or until a judge orders me not to.

I am mailing the signed affidavit to you as soon as I’m through writing this letter and my only desire is for this matter to be resolved one way or another. Until then, I am going to

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pay as much as I can towards my support and exercise my visitation rights as outlined in our current set of temporary orders which are now into the standard visitation phase.

You may tell your client that I will be notifying her at least one day in advance of my court scheduled visitation periods if I am not going to be there. Otherwise, I will be there to pick up Doodlebug at every appointed time starting after September 1st. I believe the next, scheduled visit will be on Sunday, September 7th which I thought would be nice because both of our birthdays are that week. I guess the one good thing about being single is that I will be able to focus a lot more of my time on Doodlebug until the termination goes through.

I hope you are doing well and I look forward to speaking with you again soon.
Sincerely,
The Ding-bat loser Ex

But like I said...my attorney now has the termination papers in hand, so we will file asap, and just go step by step from there!!

Steph T!

Call me when you get a chance! Doodlebug's birthday party is this weekend!

Coming Back Soon!

2008-08-08T14:15:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to let everyone know......that I will be back soon!

Maybe be shutting down

2008-04-22T14:16:00.004-05:00

Seems boyfriend has found my blog, so I'll probaby be shutting it down.

I just don't think he'll understand my need to write passionately about the things in my life including him, without him getting mad.

He keeps alluding to the fact that he knows, but just won't come out and say it.

He doesn't seem to understand my need, to not involve him in everything I do. That I need some seperation once in a while.

I knew this the other day...I had that feeling...and I thought about taking it down but I didn't.

I'm not hiding anything...I just need my own space to vent....

But I guess...I just can't have it.

An Off Day from the Start

2008-04-22T08:49:00.002-05:00

I actually went to bed early last night, because, well,...I love sleep. I love the feeling of being well rested, and waking up to a wonderful new day. Except I didn't sleep at all last night. So the morning was filled with continually reaching for the snoozer.

So, I was late-ish, and to me, being late just means not being early. Didn't have time to make coffee, Doodle was exceptionally hard to wake up this morning, and well, even though I had my great bowl of Cheerios, I just wanted more....so I stopped for an everything bagel, and a Dr. Pepper. And I am ok with that.

As a matter of fact, I am becoming, slowly, more and more ok with things in my life, and that is/was the point of this blog.

Even yesterday, after finding out, that the Ex, still hasn't decided to hand over, the already signed and notarized termination papers, that we will once again be headed back to court, there is a certain calm over me.

When we head to court, it will have been 7 months and 4 days, since he initially agreed to terminate his rights. He has paid a total of $50 since then in child support. A writ of wage garnishment was mailed out to his wife (the 100% owner of 'their' company) as well as a filing of child support enforcement. So, all I know about this court date will be: He will be asked to come up with around $6933 (if he doesn't make any more $50 payments) at that time, and will have a number of things that could possibly happen. He could be sentenced to jail time, probation, or possibly/hopefully, just hand over the papers.

Do I have a feeling he/they are going to pull some of their common strings, i.e.; we need more time, we don't have a lawyer; show how their house is up for foreclosure supposedly again, they have hocked their wedding rings again, and any other number of pitiful song and dances, probably. Do I expect it? Of course.

The problem here, is that my child (I feel) from his standpoint, has become nothing other than trying to "beat me", or "win" at some weird pissing contest. After 3 and a half years, it is easy to see it isn't about Doodlebug, because if it were, he would be around. He doesn't care about him, he cares about me. Not in the romantic loving way of course, but about putting in my some sort of place and winning at something I haven't figured out yet. And I use the term "winning" because it is one that not only he, but his crazy wife has used, " You Win." Well, you're damn right I win, I won years ago, by creating and having a beautiful child, that I love every single second of every single day.

So today just feel like a weird day for me. Because I am eating junk, and I don't care.

Because I have yet another inevitably ugly court day looming in my future, and I am not freaked out about it...yet. Even my mother told me yesterday, not to worry, and I said "I'm not.....you know I am."

I worry because there is a possibility that he will ask for and get some sort of visitation set up. That is the unfortunate right of DNA. He hasn't been available to my son for 3+ years, but when it is convenient for him, he'll have that right. Any parent who truly loved and cared for their child, would move mountains to be with them, and use the time they have with them. All I was asking for was for him to fulfill his supervised visits in a fashion so that Doodles would become familiar with him, bond with him, and not see him as a stranger who showed up so sporadically he wouldn't know the difference between him and the UPS guy. I really don't think that is too much to ask, especially after watching him and the Dingo, wrestle a 9-10 month old together, and finally put the diaper on backwards.

I want to take Friday off, for a day to myself before my new job starts. My boss is leaving thursday at noon to go to North Dakota to look for a place to live. I think he wants me here to wait for lab results if they get faxed in.....so I don't know how to ask for the day off....

I just want a little time to myself.

A sweet and sad weekend

2008-04-21T10:48:00.002-05:00

So the doodle's and I tracked all the way to Austin this weekend to visit our friends, "T her daughter, and son, and "Z" and her 2 sons. It was a fun drive, although alot longer than I thought. It was such a great time, so get to see my friends, and their children, and watch them all play together.

A sweet sadness rushes over me each and every time I leave Austin, because, Austin, is the one place that feels like "home" to me, but this time was even worse.

It was a weird feeling, because I was watching, and listening to my friends, who I thought I had everything in common with, and realized, that we might not have that much in common at all anymore, than the ages of our children.

They are both stay at home moms, except for"Z" who works 16ish hrs a month, which I didn't know, and I am soooooooooo happy for her, and it was then, when I found that out, I realized, I am still and probably always be the odd one out.

They both gushed about things like 'mis-treatments' which I knew nothing about, or tried to explain CVSing to me, which sounds like a great idea, but I just don't think I'll ever have the time to do it.

But it was when, I saw T,....letting her daughter chose a board game that I realized how different we were. I couldn't help but stand there amazed at how relaxed, and unhurried she was, when asking her daughter to choose between games....and I thought....wow, because she isn't trying to hurry an entire day of time with her baby into a few hours like I do everyday. And I think because of that, she is a better mom. I on the other hand, am rushing from the moment I wake him up with, "hurry up baby, Mommy's late, we gotta leave!", to trying to fit an entire day of love into the minutes from when I pick him up at about 5:45pm, to the moment I put him to bed around 9pm.
I say 'better mom' because she was telling me a story about her sister-in-law, who is now a better mom because she got a new vehicle, and it makes her happy, and therefore made her a better mom. I cried so much on the way home, I ended up taking an ativan to sleep, and started taking my lexapro again, just because, I feel like I am running in a rat wheel sometimes.

I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel successful to me. Yes of course I do sometimes, but man it really hit me hard Saturday, mostly because I wish I had the one thing the two of them have, that no matter how hard I work....I'll never get ~ just more time with my child.

And for one of many times I am sure, I will wonder, am I doing good enough for him? What about future children? Are they lacking for me not being able to be home. I don't know, it was just the ease and grace one of my friends had while we all were grazing around her home and I thought, "wow".... what a wonderful world for her and her children. I can't image waking up leisurely, and my children doing to so as well, and off for a day of play in the yard, and snacks, and cartoons, or a trip to the park!!! What an adventure!

So,...if anyone knows a way to cheat and give me the winning lottery ticket numbers,....I'll gladly share with you. :)

On another note, I did just now, at this moment find out that I have court facing the EX, on June 24, at 8:00.......63 days from now.

A Small Thank You

2008-04-18T08:52:00.002-05:00

I just wanted to take some time, to say thank you....

There are just a handful of friends, people in my real world, here who read this blog, and there are a handful of people whom have wandered on my blog from places like Ms.SingleMama's site or other one's that I frequent.....and all the other's that show up on my stat counter....I just don't know, but to everyone...

Thank You All So Much! ! !

I know some people may think it crazy for me to be putting all my 'issues' out on the internet, for strangers to read, but it really is cathartic for me. Then some people say do it in private. And I say, it's other's people's points of view, that sometimes pull me out of my own, and help me put situations more into perspective.

And I know,....that I have mostly been beating a dead horse lately, with my talk about the Ex and Dingo,...but it's just one of those things I have to let out.

I can't wait to have some sort of resolution to this all.

I do want to start the forgiveness process...but I feel like I can't, until it's over, and I know that they aren't going to be throwing anymore punches.

I am super glad that it is Friday, because that means that The Doodle's and I will head out to Austin tomorrow to visit Z & T and I can't wait!!!

T you need to call me today!!!!!

oh...and I am not taking Lexapro anymore... I did for 2 or 3 days...and I couldn't tolerate the headache it gave me. But I feel fine...and I think when the court stuff erupts, the ativan I have will help.....

I should know something next week about a court date....

A Small History Lesson

2008-04-17T11:26:00.002-05:00

I was reading http://singledads.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/one-thing-can-improve-your-co-parenting-life-and-i-have-evidence/#comments

And he said the same thing my pastor said.....which started this blog...that I haven't been able to do...

I know after he reads my comment, he's probably thinking...just do it.

But here are some of the reasons I can't
on my very first proposal of him terminating his parental rights while I was still pregnant:

I have thought over your offer and I accept. Would you like to draw up the papers or shall I take care of it. I guess I must apologize, maybe you are not the money grubbing bitch I thought you were. I will offer a full and very sincere apology to you as soon as you actually go through with your offer.

Excerpts from Emails:

I will be there for sure next visit. I had a garage sale today. I really miss Doodlebug and next time may be the last for a few weeks, so please do not fuck this visit up for me. I'm not even going to respond to everything you said in your email because everytime I try to write back I start being vicious. Just don't screw up my visit, my life is absolutely miserable right now financially and I can't afford a trip down if it's not quality time.

As you'll remember, I am not someone who thinks well of worthless trash like yourself who steals from and defrauds the government for BS reasons so please stop reminding me that that is how you make a large part of your living.

Now why don't you go enjoy the rest of your permanent vacation of life that you've made for yourself and since this letter will probably upset you and because you don't have anything urgent to do like earn a living, then why don't you just go out and buy yourself some more nice things with Doodlebugs's money that I send every month

I'm sure he'd understand. Oh, and I sure he'll understand when you tell him that you chose NOT to use his health insurance to help him just because the insurance company accidentally put his father's last name on his card.

I guess at least I know you're teaching him something even if it is how to live off the backs of other people illegally. nice work mom

Remember that we agreed that you wouldn't allow your criminal friends or family members around Doodlebug. (when in actualality....he is the one with criminal friends, and he himself a multiple offender.)

We aren't coming to the visit. Sorry about the short notice, I forgot it was the 5th Sunday.

The Dingo wrote the following from emails, to Private Messages, to posts on web boards:

Ok, let me first preface this by saying that my SS is very young, so this is not an issue that we expected to be arguing with the BM about so soon. I bought a gift that I addressed To: SS From: Dad and Mama Dingo. Now this was a gift that I unintentionally left at the BMs house during the last visit, but one that SS could have kept for a long time (if she didn't throw it away), so that is why I wrote anything at all on it. My DH and I have briefly discussed what I would want to be called, but as I said, we did not expect it to ba an issue anytime soon. We both feel that children should call all adults by Mr. or Mrs. So and So or Grandma, Granny, etc. We will never allow our children to call an adult by their first name, except in certain situations. So, it was a given that we would not encourage or allow SS to call me Dingo. My DH would honestly love to see that SS cared for me enough to just call me some motherly term, whatever it is. (since I will have bee around him since only a few months old) But in an effort not to force that upon my SS I thought about Mama Dingo, and just wrote it. Like I said, we didn't even intend to leave the gift there, and to us it is a non-issue at this early stage.But all hell broke loose when we got a msg from BM several hours later informing us (in the short version), that SS would never be calling me anything else other than Dingo and that there is only one Mom and one Dad, and no other person would be referred to in a fatherly or motherly matter, period.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but it just boggles my mind that it's that big of a deal. I understand she is hurt, I don't agree with it, but she chose to live a single mom's life and she had to know that one day her ex boyfriend would marry, and she would have to deal with another woman raising her child part time. She has had almost two years to realize the situation she was in, so I think it's time to move on and not fight us on reasonable things.

P.S. I didn't mean to offend any single moms out there. I should elaborate a little more by saying that they were not dating anymore when SS was conceived (shame on both of them). She consistently pushed for some sort of reconciliation with my husband and it was made very clear by my husband, both before and after the conception that it would never happen. It was only a few months later that my husband and I got back together (we had dated several years before), and we decided to get married. So there was no expectation of a nuclear family if she had the baby, and I have been around before he was even born. Thank God she did have him because he is a blessing and we love him very much, but I don't want her now pretending like she is entitled to some cookie cutter family where there is only one mom and one dad. She didn't have it before and she shouldn't expect it now. So I'm not bashing single moms, Lord nows I could have been one. If they were married for awhile and the child was older, then I would not expect to come into the picture after a divorce and be called mama, but that is simply not the case here. I just wanted to clear up why I feel she is being unreasonable, and make sure I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

My excuse is that I am up packing for our cruise we're leaving on tomorrow. Hmmm...a cruise, I guess that makes me a winner not a loser....Ha, Ha ;) Why can't you move your neck???

No offense to anyone, because I understand that the norm is that Mom is an ex-wife. The Mom in my situation is NOT an ex wife, or even an ex fiance (according to everyone besides Mom). They dated for a couple of years and were broken up before DSS was conceived. So is it OK that we refer to her as the only thing she is and ever was and ever will be...Mom?? It plays on my sensitive side to hear her called SW or ex-wife. I can admit that I don't want her being referred to as anything other than what she is, an ex-girlfriend. That's my female bullsh!t coming out. But the reality is, I think it's important to call her an ex-girlfriend or Mom only, because I think it puts this whole thing in perspective. Knowing that they were not as serious as a married couple or even two people who are exclusively dating, I think should make a huge difference in understanding why we believe some of her demands and expectations are unreasonable. So that is why I bring up the title, I just want to be clear on why things are the way they are in our situation.

Doodle's so cute and innocent and he deserves to be around good people like my husband and I. So the more we can see him and influence h
im the better.

i have never acted like ana, and i would have been married to the father, it's very different

but of course i feel EX is better so i don't care if it makes ana feel bad we think that way

Wow, I actually read that whole thing!!! I would be real ticked. Honestly, my DH hates Mom, so events like this in the future...I don't even know if we'll ever all be in the same room at the same time on purpose. But if Mom ever acted like that DH would have definitely put her in her place right there in front of everyone.

Now can anyone understand why I am having a hard time with forgiveness...

If you can read this...and then please explain to me how...and this is just a fraction,...

I am dying to know how... all input is wanted....

I don't even have words....

2008-04-16T14:25:00.004-05:00

to express what I am feeling as I read this link, http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/04/15/fragmented.families.ap/index.html, which I found from http://www.singlemomseeking.com/.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing cost U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion a year, according to a study commissioned by four groups advocating more government action to bolster marriages.

Marriages....really? Out-of-wedlock childbearing cost the U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion....

I read some of Rachel's comments on her page about how, "Well...if any of the mother's have ever been on WIC or any other government funding, well THEY ARE THE ONES COSTING TAXPAYERS...."

Let me try to set that record straight for a moment, please.

I was 26 when Doodlebug was born. And for a decade previous to that, I was a tax payer, myself. Always paying my taxes from my first job in a grocery store, to the job I held as a nurse aide at mother/baby.

After returning home, he was on Medicaid, waiting for his father to decided if he was a dad or not, and putting him on his insurance at the AG's order. Even then, it was, my goodness, months, or even closer to a year or longer before I could use them. Because he put the wrong name on the card, and refused to fix it. With me being a student, Doodle still qualified for Medicaid, and thank God I had it, other wise, I don't have a clue how his medical bills would have been paid. And yes, we even accepted WIC for a very short amount of time.

But my God, if as a Tax-payer myself for a decade, and now, am not someone who qualified and was deserving, to receive financial help from a program that I paid into myself, then who the hell does qualify???

And now, I am a single mom, ohhhh the blasphemy.... and a tax-payer...... so who am I taking money from again...myself?????

"The study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing -- besides being bad for children -- are costing taxpayers a ton of money," said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values.

I just don't know what to say except, that I am not a drain on the U.S. economy...

however people like my EX...who is so 'Holy' married.... a deadbeat dad....and files bankrupcty for nearly half a million.... Which I know for a fact, as written as a private message to my friend, 2 years previous, that they were broke and needing to file bankruptcy...so what did they do?

Thank you, things are great with XXXX(The EX) and I. All it took was a good sit down chat about the things that were bothering both of us. He is really stressed about money, and it is wearing down our souls. We will probably be filing bankruptcy in the next few months, but I guess lots of people have to do that. It will not affect doodlebug's insurance or child support, so no need to let Ana know about it. Please keep that between us. I will try and catch up more soon.

They spent the next two years... racking up their debt...just to be discharged.

What has this hard working, tax paying momma done? Paid off bills, almost paid off all credit bills, bought a house, and raised a child on my own...

Now... please tell me....

who is the drain by $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ on the economy?????????

Hold on to yer Panties

2008-04-16T10:30:00.002-05:00

I got Child Support on the 14th.... you know, the day before my tax deadline, and before my "you pay my arrears or I'll be picking him up the next sunday" deadline....

Guess how much???

A whopping $50 dollars...

I defer back to my previous statement of, Can you feed your pets with that???

How ridiculous.....is this?

Me in Six Words or Less

2008-04-14T08:33:00.009-05:00

One of my every morning reads, is MommyPie , I love her. I love her because she is a single mom, but more than that, she is hilarious. She cracks me up. Everything from her granny panties, to the most recent, Where's Waldo post.

I read one today where I should be summing me up in six words or less.

I am my own Rising Phoenix.

I think back on my 'issues' as MommyPie wrote it....and they are long and painful. From a terrible relationship with my mother that started when I was a child, and lasted until my son was born, to the nasty relationships along the way before the doozy of them all with my son's biological father (I hate that word by the way - but have no clue really how else to refer to him).

My relationship with my Ex was on of dependency, and emotional and mental abuse. There was a time that I felt worthless. That I would never be as in love or happy as I was (I had no idea) then. I was a wreck and a mess. My life was doomed to sadness and emptiness.

Good grief, I would like to go back in time and just whisper to myself back then.

Now, I am a strong woman. I am someone who has carried and given birth to a child without a significant other. I have raised that baby (with the help of my family) by myself. I have found a new partner, that I love very much, although it is a very different, much more mature love. I doubt that I will ever have the same love for anyone that I did for EX, because I am not, nor will I ever been that impressionable, immature, vulnerable girl again. And he was my first love, and I don't think, that the feelings you get when it's the first time you experience something like, are not re~creatable in the same sense. It's like the first time you ever in your life, rode a roller coaster. They are all fun and scary, and give that rush of adrenaline, and completely fulfilling, but they will never feel like that first time you sat in that cart, clicked in and started up that first hill, not knowing what was ahead.

I am still pretty new to the blogger world, and still do not understand some of the lingo, so when MommyPie writes things like:

4. Tag at least five more blogs with links.

I'm not quite sure what that means....so anyway here are the rules:

1. Write your own six word memoir.

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want.

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.

4. Tag at least five more blogs with links.

5. Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play…

I had a pretty good weekend. OH AND BEFORE I FORGET......... I PASSED MY RN TEST WITH THE FLYING COLORS OF A "B" !!!!!!!

Our friends came up from Beaumont with their 2 daughters; and we had a blast! Yesterday was the laziest Sunday ever, which was so nice., but unfortunately, I am still so sleepy.

With my mention in my previous post about, I got it back...

It wasn't a link... it was a picture of the Dingo. Two of them actually. First and foremost, I have to add some history here.

When Ex and I were together, I was anywhere between 110-120lbs tops. I easily wore a size 2 in anything. Tiny thing. However, Ex used to call me cankles, tell me that I looked fat, and then to top it off, after a day of trying on wedding dresses, I made the comment that I found one that I like, and I laughed because it was a size 8. He looked me dead in the eye, and said, "No wife of mine will ever wear a size 8". I replied with, are you kidding me, you have to wear so much crap under those things, everyone wears 2 sizes bigger than their clothes sizes. He again said, "like I said, no wife of mine will ever wear a size 8 in anything..."

The first time I saw Dingo, I thought about once when he told me, that after a few years of marriage (to me) he'd probably be trading me in for younger, smaller version.

We look nothing alike. We're the same height, both had long blonde hair, but similarities ended there. I had just had a baby, and no where near my size 2, she was though. I am willing to be that any of you reading this, are thinking...let it go. And a few other's are probably laughing right there with me.

I'm going to get a better full bodied picture of myself up here, maybe tomorrow...

Again... I know that this blog is suppose to be about therapy for me.

A new life, a new beginning, and for the most part it is.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you get the 'revenge' you want because a picture really does say a thousand words.

I got it back...

2008-04-10T15:01:00.000-05:00

I've been in a funk...about dieting and eating healthy...

and today

I saw something on the internet

it made my day, no week, no probably year or better...

and lets just say...

working out and dieting back ON!

oh yeah...and I am a Cheater

2008-04-10T08:51:00.002-05:00

All I think about is dieting...and losing weight..and all that fun stuff...

but lately all I want to do at work is EAT EAT EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alot of mornings I stop and get kolache's, and donuts..and Dr. Pepper.

Then...lately...i've been eating out for lunch..instead of my Lean Cuisine...

and even now, I'm snacking on nuts....

I think it is the boredom of my job that keeps me eating so much...

ugh...

right now... I just want to binge, binge, binge!

Birth Control Help

2008-04-10T08:20:00.002-05:00

ok...ANY LADIES out there, with any great info pleeeeease help me.

I've been playing around with my BC this year.

Have always been on ortho-trycyclin forever and ever,until I tried the patch and was blessed with my son...but got on ortho-tricyclin lo after having Doodlebug.

I dont know if it was the pill or the change in my body but I felt like it made me a nutscase.

So, I switched to Lybrel. The no-period pill. My mood swings are non-existent, however you have break through bleeding that I can not handle anymore. It's just enough to annoy the hell out of you, and can last for up to 2 weeks at a time. (Dr's office says, ...yeah that can happen for the first year or so)- done.

So then, I called and got them to call me something in to my pharmacy, and they did and called in LoEstrin 24. And the nurse said that it has a generic, but it doesn't because I went to pick it up last night and it was $55 with insurance.

Now I realize that $55 is nothing to pay in place of having a baby, but was wondering if there is anything else out there, that anyone else would suggest.

Thanks!

My goal in life in the next oh 10 years...

2008-04-09T13:18:00.003-05:00

First of all....I still wanna lose 10-15 lbs.

Then I want to get married....and have 2 more babies.

Yeppers, I want a total of 3, I do.

I want to finish my RN, and eventually, by the Grace of God, I want to find a nearby job where I can be a school nurse at a local junior high or high school.

I know that there will be a major pay cut, but I figure if I can't be lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, (especially like my friend -T) then being a school nurse is the closest I can get to that.

Speaking of T. Looooove her. She is an amazing friend, she was also a nurse on the mother-baby unit I worked on in Austin. She was recently married, and we used to complain about our very testosterony counterparts and laugh.

Once time, Z and I even got her to go to , oh what the heck is the name of that place?? Trudy's??? something like that to have AMAZING margarita's....and she smoked a cigarette and I about died.

Cause she seems to have this perfect life. Well, almost perfect, she went to Texas Tech. hahahaahah.

She was a nurse, married the cutest, scratch that, a very tall, dark and handsome man. They bought the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood, near my Perfect Austin. All the while, she is sooooooo sweet, and charming, and thoughtful too. She got pregnant about 3 months before me. She was actually the first person I told I was pregnant. I didn't really tell her either, she guessed. We were sitting at work, and I kept asking her questions about how she felt and how she knew she was pregnant and stuff like that, when she looked at me with her big gossip smile and said, "oh my god...are you pregnant???"

I made her promise not to tell anyone, but knowing her the way I know her now, I'm pretty sure she told someone. Between me, her, and Z, we're not the best at keeping pregnant secrets between each other.

Anyway, so go on, she had a perfectly beautiful daughter, and brought my a bag of those spirally Cheetos to eat after I had Doodlebug, and her amazingly talented mother made me the cutest burp rags.

Anyway, T was always someone I called for, "hey did A do this? Or how do you handle this..." advice when our babies were still tiny.

Anyway, when I think of how I would like my life to be in the future, I can't help but think, I want hers. She is a stay at home mom with her 2 cute kiddos, one boy, one girl, and the dog. Yes, she has the beautiful house, great husband, 2.2 kids and a dog..... ahh the picture perfect set up - i hate her. Just kidding.

I love her, she cracks me up, lets me know I am not the bingeing nutcase who constantly worries about my weight, although she's too skinny (I think lately).

I miss her.

I miss that my son, can't play with her kids either.

But to that....I am venturing back to Austin on the 19th for play time with T & Z and I am soooooooooooooo freakin excited I can't wait!!!

Yuk food...

2008-04-08T12:34:00.002-05:00

I've been craving pizza. My faaaav is Papa John's, pepperoni, extra sauce, no cheese. YUUUUUUUUUMY!!!!!

So today we ordered in at the office, but we got Pizza Hut. It was gross. I got it with cheese, cause last time I ordered there, they burnt my cheeseless pizza. Anyway, totally didn't hit the spot...but it did get me to remembering good ol, www.katheats.com

I bought a ton of fruits and veggies last night...so, I am snacking on cold red and green seedless grapes. And trying to figure out how she makes her healthy food look so darn good.....

I am from Venus and he is from Mars

2008-04-08T07:48:00.010-05:00

Men say that "they just don't understand women", right?

Well I think that is bullshat.

Last night, the boyfriend came home, as I was starting to cook bacon for our BLT'S for dinner. I had also splurged on a bunch of fruit for the sides.

Anyway, he came in everything was fine and normal, I finished washing all the left over dishes from the weekend, as he took over the bacon duty.

I will repeat, everything was fine. Everything seemed normal.

But while the 3 of us sat down to dinner, he went stone cold. Not a word to say. This coming from a man, who every 5 minutes asks me, "What are you thinking about?", and my honest to goodness answer most of the time is , "nothing." His reply is always, "yes you are, what are you thinking about?"

Anyway, I asked him what was wrong, and he gave the "nothing".... he just sat there and very slowly ate. I did get the feeling that he was annoyed by my 3 year old lack luster in table manners although I am teaching him and it is slow going, it is a work in progress. So , I finally say, "why are you so quite then, you aren't saying anything." He says, "I have nothing to say."

Now every woman KNOWS that those words especially in the way that they are said, means...THERE IS ALOT TO SAY.

I asked him a few more times, but never got anything out of him, and therefore got annoyed. After I finished, I got up to start dinner's dishes. At some point, he got up and went outside to move the 20 bags of leaves from the backyard we racked Sunday to the front for the garbage man to pick up. I didn't help. I didn't feel the need to. I assumed, #1 he was letting off some steam, and #2, I cleaned the house from top to bottom Friday, including all the dirty dishes, that I washed...that were never put up, with a ton more added this weekend. So I figure, if I am doing all the inside work, he can haul the bags 20 yards by himself. Got Doodle in the tub and dressed and put to bed.

He went about the house last night still not talking, acting piffed about something. So I gathered my notes, and made a cushy place in bed to study. Bad news. I got sleepy. Went to sleep early.

Oh well, sleep is good for you.

He came to bed sometime later. I didn't' budge.

But I did dream he was trying to kill me. Funny, right? I had a dream that we were closing the doctor's practice, and the new people who were taking the space were moving in. It was a woman who ran an office for women with, crap I can't think of how it was phrased: something about an addiction to dressing up like a cross between Lucille ball and Carol Bernett.

Yeah, I know weird right? And the new workers were so mean to me. I asked them what kind of clinic this was, and the one girl, snuffed at me and said as she looked around at the color weird art, and said, "this isn't a clinic." So as snarky as I could, I said, "What kind of office is this?" Which is where I found out about the weird whatever it was called. Anyway, the owner offered me a job as a nurse there in the "not-clinic" until my new job started at $25.80 an hour. Yeah I know weird number. Whatever.

Anyway, Boyfriend was there in my car at the end of the day, and said he had taken some NyQuil liquid gels, and was kinda acting off his rocker. Anyway, He was "driving me home" when he turned the car in the middle of the road, and was about to let an 18 wheeler hit me. Then somehow we ended up behind a dairy queen, when an employee saws us fighting and got me away from him, and somewhere in all that I found that my seat belt had been tampered with, well almost sawed in half. Then I remember calling my brothers to help me find him so we could get him put in jail and I could feel safe at home.

Weird dream right? And no, before anyone asks, Boyfriend is harmless, so I do not somewhere subconsciously think he would hurt me.

I was more pissed last night because, I was trying to study for my upcoming test, and instead, I was trying to figure out why the hell he was upset. And the phrase that someone left here once that kept popping up in my head was "emotional blackmail."

I didn't wake him up this morning, nor did I do the usual "bye baby have a good day" either.

We left while he was in the shower.

I just don't understand.

And men say that women are impossible.

Oprah's Big Give

2008-04-07T13:55:00.002-05:00

Makes me cry like a baby.

I'm not that big of an Oprah fan. However...somehow, I started watching the Big Give. And I cry like a baby every single episode.

It is that good.

It's about Oprah and other kazillionaires who have gathered some other folks, to compete on who can 'give the biggest!'

Hello?!?!? Where were the applications for this?

This is something could have done without blinking an eye, and never fear 'being sent home.'

Weekends are never long enough...

2008-04-07T11:40:00.002-05:00

And I even took Friday off, so I had a 3 day weekend.

I went to finish some stuff for my new job this morning, like getting my TB test read, and signing paperwork... when I realized that I have lost $40 in cash somewhere. Baaaaaaaad start to my morning.

Then as I am just clearing Houston traffic, and getting to my intended destination, I realize I left my nursing license and my CPR card at home....so now I'll have to make a mad dash trek over there on my lunch break tomorrow.

Let's see. Friday...however, was AMAZING!

I took the day off, and I originally planned to take Doodlebug to school, but just never got around to it, and decided to have my only day off, to be our day. I am glad I did. He went with me to get my TB skin test where I learned that I wasn't suppose to bring him, (thanks for telling me ahead of time), but he was a perfect gentleman while listening to mommy's MP3 player while I did my urine drug screen ( Was I gonna try to get my 3 year old to pee for me??) and my TB shot. Afterwards, we picked up some monogrammed onsie's for one of my BFF's baby shower this weekend, and then to BabiesRUs for some booby pads and other little things for her.

After that, I C-L-E-A-N-E-D my house. I'm talking sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, I did it all.

It was so nice. I loved it. I realized that I kinda miss having the/a house to myself like that. So... there will be uno mas "sick" day taken this Friday,...or maybe I'll just tell the truth and use a vacation day to study and just be home alone. Still trying to figure this one out.

Saturday day was a great time spent at the baby shower. And Doodlebug played Daddy with her Little 3 year old doll, and her. It was the most adorable thing ever... of course I took pictures and recorded some video.

Sunday, was start cleaning the backyard day. We racked 20, count them TWENTY bags of leaves out of the backyard...and we're not finished. I am not quite sure the previous owners owned racks.

My wrists are sore. I wish I was at my clean house. And I forgot my material to study, but I do have my flash cards...so I am going to study for awhile.

Oh...

and I haven't looked in a few days, which is good for me, but the EX's myspace profile is not private today.

There is no mention of him being a "proud parent"....and the picture of him and Doodlebug is no longer on his pics page either.

So for me,...that is a silent victory. Because, it lets me know that he has taken him out of his public life.

I hope that makes sense.

I Told him..

2008-04-03T14:27:00.002-05:00

And the doctor, my boss, took it just fine. Whew!

He asked when I was starting, and I told him the end of the month. (So,...I'm sure this blog will be updated a little less often, not sure how I am going to pull it off doing it when the boyfriend lives with me. Unless I can type it out at night and upload it in the morning or something since I wake up way before he does.....)

He then told me that he had been thinking of closing up here at the end of May!

So,...I feel better about all that. That is for sure a weight lifted off of me.

I've taken my Lexapro for 2 nights now, and I have to stay, I have had the worst headache for 2 days now, not to mention just wanting to eat the whole time. Except today when I first started eating lunch,....I felt super weird...and stopped...and finished later.

No news front on the issue with the Ex. No mail giving me a court date either.

And for me...today is just one of those days of blah....

I want to be at home really bad laying in the dark.

I have a feeling that I will be calling in tomorrow if this headache doesn't go away.

I'm taking the Job

2008-04-02T14:08:00.000-05:00

I'm a little nervous.

I haven't told my boss yet.

I am taking what I feel like is going to be a major pay cut, but I think I may be happier...

not so bored with lack of things to do from 8-5, be saving money on gas, as well as wear and tear on my vehicles.

I'll be closer to Doodlebug's school.

Please pray this goes well.....I need it.

I'll start April 29th.

The little things that make you fall in love, again

2008-04-02T10:10:00.003-05:00

On my way home from work yesterday, my boyfriend called me to tell me he would meet me at the gym, and had already picked up a rotisserie chicken (cause I need the protein for low iron), as well as a bottle of fish oil supplements...and a bottle of prenatal vitamins.

For some reason, that alone made my heart swell. I thought it was extremely kind, of him. I could just see the check out person looking at a man buying prenatals...I found the mental picture funny.

We begun saying grace every night at dinner. Doodle just loves this. He says it, all the while Boyfriend is teaching it to him. We all hold hands and pray over our dinner.

As we were trying to convince Doodle to eat more chicken, (there isn't' a vegetable this boy won't stick in him mouth, and sometimes the only thing he wants to eat), he always counters with "cause it will make me strong like boyfriend."

Last night, The Boyfriend was being silly with Doodle, and doing this weird thing were he would pretend to be blowing in his thumb, and that was blowing his bicep up. Doodle thought this was the funniest thing ever, and gave some of the deepest bellied laughs I have heard in a while.

This went on and on, until most everything was eaten and we cleared the table and went off for baths and bedtime stories.

These are the things that make me the happiest.....

These are the moments I want back everyday without the interruptions of my mind whirling around, when is that piece of mail going to come with my next court date, or if the EX does somehow show up at my door step in two weeks.....

The Report Is In

2008-04-01T10:09:00.003-05:00

Well, I just got back from the follow up Doctor's appointment, and I have GERD. I also have very low HDL'S "good" cholesterol, which can/will predisopse me to heart disease, but my "bad" cholesterol level is great, but I need to start supplementing my diet with fish oil as well start a cardio exercise routine. I have super low Iron, so I have to start taking prenatal vitamins. I am also going to start taking Nexium daily, as well as Lexapro, and ativan(prn) until the Lexapro kicks in.

So, inheritly,....I'm a walking stress bomb,...trying to laugh some of it off.

It makes me sad, because NO ONE in my family has heart disease....

It makes me sad, because Ativan is what I used to give my hysterical patients in the hospital to calm them down... and here I am ... with a perscription for it.

I cried all day yesterday.

Would just be walking out of Ikea (on my lunch break) and started crying.

Was sitting at my desk...and starting crying, on my drive home...while cooking dinner,....and then while taking a bath.

The boyfriend came in to check on me when I was taking a bath,...and I guess saw the miserable state I was in...and basically just jumped in behind me and sat there rubbing my back and shoulders...telling me I was going to be ok.

As for emotions involving the Ex.

I am now to a point where I have been able to pick the words apart in enough (from his email) to not be so 'scared',...as I have been feeling. And yes, I am OCD about doing things like that. I feel like if I can pick things apart and analyze each, piece, I can understand them better, and let go of some of the stress and anxiety that they initially fill me with.

so I'm sending this directly to you instead of your attorney. I hope that you will continue to communicate with me a little longer so we can get this worked out.

This means to me...that he still doesn't want to shell out for a 3rd attorney, therefore doesn't want to involve my attoryney...although it is too late for that.

My first choice would of course be for you to begin obeying the law and stop being, in my opinion, selfish at my and doodlebug's expense which would mean I could exercise my court ordered visitation and have a nice relationship with him.

I have never, and I mean never, told him he couldnt' come and see Doodlebug, he just quite showing up. But then again, he only made 4 visits that were from an hour-hour and half before out last BIG battle in court May 2005, 3 random ones after that, last one Oct. 2005.

The A.G's office is breathing down my neck again pretty fiercely about the back child support.

This of course is his BIGGEST concern. They have previously put liens on his multiple bank accounts, and tax returns... April 16th is just around the corner.

it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I'm paying for it at all.

Oh that's right...because you just discharged 1000's of dollars in your bankruptcy suite, and therefore, think you have the right to not pay this debt either.

The giving up of rights is actually not as difficult as I had imagined

Does this scream to anyone else? Because it does to me. If Doodlebug weren't the spitting image of me, I wouldn't bet that the EX could pick him out of a crowd of 3.

If you do not have the resources to take of the stipulations I set forth above within a couple of weeks, then I will pay the back support in full and continue my attempts to develop my relationship with Doodlebug.

This statement alone, lets me that,...when the Enforcement hearing is set....that I can be assure, that either I will get back child support paid in full, to keep Ex from going to jail, or Ex will go to jail. At this point... I dont' know where the termination will go with all of this.

I would think that since he said:

the thought of getting you out of my life and re-gaining some control so that I can go back to being happy and successful is extremely attractive.

It seems that actually handing over the papers at that time...would be a sure fire way to get me out of his life.

along with the fact that the AG's office said they would have no problem recommending a transfer and finally because it is the law... there should be no problem getting an immediate transfer.

Transfers happen if it is a child custody case.... not child support. Secondly, I am aware that the OAG doesn't like the Ex right now, and not sure how cooperative that they would be for him.

I have family and friends who are successful family law attorneys in that area

The only family who are attorney's live in Dallas, and Harlingen.... unless Dingo has family here that I am unaware of. Therefor a statement to scare me.

I have also contacted several of my contacts in local law enforcement agencies in your area and they have told me there will be no problem enforcing our current orders which state that standard visitation went into effect on Noah's 3rd birthday. That actually means that I am going to begin my regular visitations as often as possible starting next month if this is the option that I/we decide on.

Again, he hasn't done his homework. Not only does Boyfriend's brother (who is a police officer) live about...um..... 2 miles from us, but I am aware that local law enforement does NOT step in, in these types of situations. They will show up, and they will tell you this is a civil matter and to take it to court. I also know this because at 2 of the first 4 visits he had with Doodle, I had to have an officer present, as he tried to take him, in the middle of a south Texas summer, with heat in the upper 90s, humidity at 100%, and keep him outside in a tent in my front yard for 4 hours during his supervised visitation...long story.

If your answer is that neither is acceptable, then be on notice that I will proceed with option 2 and I will be picking doodle up for the first possible visitation period after April 15th.

Funny... cause that is right before his taxes are due on the 16th. And, I am not in the business of not following my court order which states he is still on supervised visits.

my goal is to come to quickest possible conclusion so that we can all move on with our lives.

Here's to hoping those papers come sooner than later.

I know that you are all sick of hearing this.

But for own sanity (therapy) I have to split hairs to make it comfortable for me.

Another Monday

2008-03-31T15:21:00.002-05:00

OK ok...ok....

I know...I haven't written anything today...

but just not in the mood........

Trust there is ALOT I have to say...but I slept in my contacts last night, so there are about dried to my eyeballs now...and there is just alot going on...

I promise I will try to update tomorrow after my follow up with the Doctor to get my test results.

Did Ya'll know I went to Fiji Last Night??

2008-03-28T08:18:00.003-05:00

I couldn't help but think of MommyPie, when I took this picture, although hers are much better with the Photoshop action. One day,...I'm going to buy photoshop and play too :) But this will do for now.

Anyway, Last night, as I was sitting my last class (which was from 5-11:30) of my American Red Cross, CPR/FIRSTAID/AED Instructor class, my mind kept drifting, all over the place,....hmmm I wonder why??

I couldn't help but keep looking at my bottle and thinking: Could I really just sell everything and move there???? Could I be happy doing something like that?? And do you know, what the only two objections I could come up with were? 1) I've never been there, so I really don't know if I would like it, and 2) I think I would have to quarantine my dog, and I can't stand the thought of him being in "prison" for any length of time.

Then I phone started vibrating, it was my friend "Z". My friend "Z" is one of the most charming, sweetest, most sincere people I have ever met. We worked together when I lived in Austin. It's like we became best of friends almost instantaneously. One of the first things I remember her saying to me was, "It's like you never worked here, and then you showed up one day, and it feels like you've just always been here." Simple statement right. But it made me feel good, and cared for, which was pretty important, because at that time, The EX and I were still engaged and living together. Z and I usually worked the same shifts, which was pretty convenient since she was in charge of the schedule, and we always had Wednesday's off so we could for sure lay out on those days...and usually any other day we had off. She quickly became my best friend. I always felt like I could tell her anything. She was just quite simple an amazing friend. She even had dinner and met the Ex once, and I remember thinking, "oh God, please let him be on his best behavior and polite" ( I knew then...this can't be right), but he came, ate, and left....I was so embarrassed. But she never acted like it bothered her, and I was grateful. ( How sad is it that I am crying right even thinking about what a smuck I was back then to let him treat me or my friends like that?)

So, anyway, best friend that she was, she was the one, I asked to be there with me, for me, for my unborn baby during birth. I was so embarrassed to be 'alone', that I never took a Lamaze class, but I got a DVD from the hospital education classes, and she came over and watched them with me. She planned the most amazing baby shower I could have asked for. She would go off her Atkins diet to go to the Olive Garden with me when I had a doctor's appointment to get a sonogram, and we just would say, "Diet? What diet? it's sonogram day!" As a matter of fact, as my due date was approaching, so was the end of my lease on my apartment. With still a week to go, and not a labor pain in sight, she let me come stay in her home, in her spare room, until Doodlebug was born. She even ganged up with the other nurses and forced me to take that Monday off, as I had already worked something like 54 hours that pay check, and had Tuesday off for my doctor's appointment, and scheduled myself to work on my due date. Lucky for me, she was the charge nurse for post partum the day I had that appointment, so when they made me go from the office to L&D, she was either right there at my side, or in front of the monitor watching me and the baby. Who could ask for more right? Well, it still gets better. They decided to keep me over night to induce me, and she stayed with me. Heck, she even "called in", had another nurse take her place on the floor before the shift was over so that she could be with me.

The next she never left me. She held my hand. She watched and monitored my contractions, gave me a warm "it's gonna be ok just relax smile" whenever they would tell me, I am still not dilating, or my water if full of meconium, or any of the other worst case scenario's came my way. She was the one holding my hand and rubbing my hair when the doctor told me I had to have a c-section, and started crying. Then I'll never forget, I whispered to my other friend "S" who knew the Ex very well, "he should have been here." Minutes came by, shift changed, and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Things were wrong, very wrong. But Z stayed the course. Another (newer) friend, "E" came to see me after her shift, she was transfer from L&D and very comforting to have here there as well. What I remember the most, is my nurse, running in and out, "E" checking my monitors, glancing at me, whispering to Z, but both always smiling and telling me we were going to be ok. Then there was the screaming, to call the doctor, that I needed and emergency c-section, being whisked down the hall, and taken to an operating room. And guess who was by my side? Z. She was excited, and nervous, I could see it in her eyes, but she still held on, and smiled for me, and got sooo excited when they were opening me and staying, "ooohh Ana...Here he comes!!" E was directly behind her, and the next thing I remember is saying, "take a picture what does he look like." She said, No. But when I finally looked at her, my heart stopped. The heartbreak I saw in her eyes, made my own heart stop beating. Then a nurse calmly came over to me and, "Ana, I know you know what everything means, I need you to remain calm for what you are about to hear. . "and as she trailed off, I heard it, They had called a Code Blue, on my baby. My hand never left hers. She held on for dear life, mine, and his. As the NICU resuscitation came running in, she gave me the best play by play with the least information she should. It made me feel better. Except for when I would ask things like, "why can't I hear him crying, why can't I hear my baby. What's wrong with him?" She would glance down at me quickly, so I couldn't see the standing tears in her eyes, and would just whisper, "I don't' know, I can't really see."

Doodle was taken to NICU and stayed for a week. Z, stayed with me as often as possible, and visited as much as should could when she was working. After I moved home, she even came all the way out to BFE to see me and Doodlebug. This is someone who didn't know me from Adam, but has been one of the most important people in my life, she helped me bring Doodlebug into this world.

I guess I am writing because I feel a little ashamed. I haven't spent much time with her in way too long. She herself has now had two amazingly beautiful sons of her own, and I wasn't there for either of them. That alone kills me. I have been so wrapped up in myself, that I haven't taken the time I should have been taking, to call her, visit her, anything.

I know that because in her voicemail last night, I heard that same, sweet, caring, voice I had once knew so well. She had read my blog, and had said, "I had no idea what you have been going through." And I couldn't help but think:....When was the last time I called her, to see what she is doing, what she is going through. I feel sorrow because I feel that I haven't been the friend to Z, that she has always been to me.

And Z, if you read this, please know, I am sorry. I promise, I am going to start making more time for the important people in my life. Even if it means, brown bagging it for 3 weeks straight to get there, I'm coming home to see you and the boys.

OH MY GOD AT THE EMAIL I JUST GOT!

2008-03-27T10:30:00.005-05:00

Ana,

I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. The papers have been signed and sitting on my desk for 2 months now, but I'm still pretty hesitant to send them.

I will try to keep this letter as non-confrontational as I can, but unfortunately I need address some concerns so we can come to some kind of final conclusion in this matter.

You told me you wanted to try to work this out on our own, which is fantastic, so I'm sending this directly to you instead of your attorney. I hope that you will continue to communicate with me a little longer so we can get this worked out.

Obviously it is not an easy or pleasant decision for me to give up my rights to Doodlebug.

My first choice would of course be for you to begin obeying the law and stop being, in my opinion, selfish at my and Doodle's expense which would mean I could exercise my court ordered visitation and have a nice relationship with him.

That sounds a little harsh because this is a harsh situation you have created and I hope it is as unpleasant for you to hear as it is for the rest of us to have to live with.

The A.G's office is breathing down my neck again pretty fiercely about the back child support.

As you know, Dingo and I have have had serious financial troubles over the last couple of years.

Those troubles were in no small part caused by the time, stress and nearly $84,000.00 we have paid over the last 3 years in child support, legal and travel related expenses in our failed attempts to convince you to allow and the courts to enforce my visitation rights w/ Doodlebug. When I actually figure the costs of lost time the figure quickly raises to well over $125,000.00. This staggering, horrible and has to stop.

Dingo and I were trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I'm paying for it at all.

We were in court 5 months ago in October after nearly a year of requesting a legitimate and reasonable decrease in child support. In October when the AG's office finally made time for us, they thoroughly investigated and examined our financial records and recommended that the support amount be decreased to $350.00 plus health insurance and that the final order be entered reflecting the appropriate standard visitation schedule as it was previously ordered by the judge when Doodlebug turned 3 ( which he did in September).

True to form, you and your attorney fought, delayed and manipulated proceedings so that, yet again, no decision, agreement or any other type of positive progress could be made and my trip and expenses were, yet again, wasted.

I don't really want to rehash this any further except to say that the only acceptable option I'm willing to consider in terminating my rights is that I no longer have to pay any support. The giving up of rights is actually not as difficult as I had imagined because I have NEVER actually had any rights to Doodlebug since day one save the $40,000.00 I've paid in support and health insurance.

If you had allowed the support to be lowered to a reasonable amount, there would be no back support owed.

We have 2 options:

This first is not my preference, but to be honest, the thought of getting you out of my life and re-gaining some control so that I can go back to being happy and successful is extremely attractive. This is only an option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time.

OPTION 1) You will temporarily pay the total of all delinquent and current child support payments which will, of course be immediately sent straight back to you after 3 days. If the 2 of you intend to adopt and care for Doodlebug and you truly have no need for me in a financial respect, there should be no issue in you coming up w/ the approx. $5,000 that will require for less than 1 week. If you can't then I suggest you start re-thinking your position that you don't need any more financial support from me and that Doodleubg doesn't need me. I have just come out of bankruptcy and near financial ruin and I still managed to come up with over $80,000.00 over the last 3 years in an attempt to support and visit Doodlebug. You can set up any legitimate conditions you or your attorney would like to insure that the funds are secure and that I will go through with my part. As I said, this is not my first choice, but there does not seem to be any positive relationship in our future so as long as you can take care of Doodlebug, I'm willing to back off and let you do so. As I told you before on the phone, if Doodlebug ever needs anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Depending on what you ask for, I may not be willing or able to give it, but I will try and I will never make you or Doodlebug feel bad for asking.

OPTION 2) If you do not have the resources to take of the stipulations I set forth above within a couple of weeks, then I will pay the back support in full and continue my attempts to develop my relationship with Doodlebug. You have now lived in Brazoria county for 6+ months so it will be no problem to get the case transferred there at this point. Especially in light of the terrible stalemate that has been going on in Hardin County (and the fact that you never lived in that county in the first place) along with the fact that the AG's office said they would have no problem recommending a transfer and finally because it is the law... there should be no problem getting an immediate transfer. I have family and friends who are successful family law attorneys in that area so it will be inexpensive or even free for me to stay there and to continue my legal efforts in gaining appropriate visitation and reasonable support. I have also contacted several of my contacts in local law enforcement agencies in your area and they have told me there will be no problem
enforcing our current orders which state that standard visitation went into effect on Doodlebug's 3rd birthday. That actually means that I am going to begin my regular visitations as often as possible starting next month if this is the option that I/we decide on.

Please let me know which option you would most like to pursue. If your answer is that neither is acceptable, then be on notice that I will proceed with option 2 and I will be picking Doodlebug up for the first possible visitation period after April 15th.

I know this is upsetting because it is is horribly upsetting and stressful for me, but please keep in mind that this has gone on long enough and my goal is to come to quickest possible conclusion so that we can all move on with our lives. Doodlebug is getting too old for this to not begin affecting him negatively pretty soon.

Thanks,

The EX

This is my reply...which hasn't been sent, because at this moment, my attorney is reading it, and he's say's he will reply to The Ex...but wants to read my email first....

Let's hope I get to send this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop-for-Brains with a tiny Penis,
The funny thing about your delays, is the simple fact that if you would have gotten back to me in a timely matter, you wouldn't have had to stress yourself out in writing this snarky "non-confrontational" email in the first place, which is amusing to me since you have a history of "non-testy”, “non-confrontational", "non-harsh" prose.
As a matter of fact, I have been trying to communicate with you for several weeks now, (without my attorney) and yet you haven't responded to a single phone call. In addition to that, your wife also refused to give me a contact number (being that calling the 1800 number isn't working for this, the publicly listed home phone number is disconnected) so that I could contact you outside of a time, when we are
both not busy, me at my job, and you at your conferences or whatever it is that you do these days.
First and foremost, do not dare blame any 'situation' on me as a situation that I have created. You are an adult, well into his mid 30s, stop pointing fingers for your own short comings.
I am not at all sorry that you owe back child support for a child that you helped to create, as evidenced by the paternity test you made Doodlebug and I take. As I have been supporting him for three years with virtually no help from you, especially recently- with $50 here and there, or when monies were seized from you, I don't feel that I have anything to prove to you regarding my ability to support Doodlebug. In case you don’t have a correct figure, you currently owe $4733 and will rise on the 1st of April.
As for the Texas Office of the Attorney General, "breathing down your neck" as you so eloquently put it, that has nothing to do with me. You are a person, who has not done what you were ordered to do; you must in your own age and maturity realize that is your fault alone and not mine.
As far as yours and Dingo’s “financial troubles”, I could care less. That as well, has nothing to do with me. You have made the decisions that have lead to your “financial troubles”, please do not pretend, I have had anything to do with that. And to be quite honest, you don’t truly appear to be living the life of paupers, so again, I don’t really care, nor do I care about hearing about it.
These troubles you speak of: are a funny thing too because for a FACT, you have paid EXACTLY $24, 966.55 in child support. As yes you can quote me on that, because as of today, March 27, 2008 at 8:36 a.m. that was the number I just got from the Texas OAG hotline when I called to make sure I quoted true and correct information. As well if you want to quote a number for money spent to raise Doodlebug, in addition to “Stress”, I am certain, my estimated figure could well out-range yours; so again, to make these numbers out of thin air is silly, and quite frankly a waste of time to write, as well as read. The extra money you spent was a direct result of your refusal to continue to pay the support obligation, and has absolutely nothing to do with me. Had you done what you were legally bound to do, you most certainly would not have incurred “the extra debt.” I am well aware that you were fired from certain legal services for non-payment of services, so please, I am asking you at this point, to stop throwing around random financial figures, as they are useless.

As for this statement: “Dingo and I are trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I am paying for it all.” I agree that it IS ridiculous that you owe back child support. I am still not quite sure why you refused to pay it in the first place. A budget sounds like a wonderful idea; I could help you with that should you need it, as I have been living on one for the past 3+ years.

And once again, you are citing incorrect information. We were supposed to be in court in October of 2007, but you were “unable” to attend, and we actually did go to court, November 20, 2007. As well as, there was no “recommendations” or order for lowered child support by the AG’s behalf, I am aware there were outrageous requests on your behalf, but they were not agreed upon, nor were they the thoughts of the Texas OAG, so I don’t think it wise to put “facts” here on their behalf.
As for your statement on me and my attorney manipulating proceedings, my attorney and I are only acting in Doodlebug's best interests. Apparently, the legal
system agrees with us. Further than that, I will not go on in this subject area, I concede, as you know more about manipulation that I do.

As for your only acceptable option to willingly consider terminating your rights is that you no longer have to pay any support, by definition, you would no longer have to pay child support. The court order, would allow for that. As for- if I would have let the child support be lowered to a reasonable amount (which I am assuming is about $50, what you were almost regularly paying) there would be no back child support~ well to that I must say, you can’t really raise a child on $50 a month, I feel sure that pets you may have or had eat more than that. How can you expect that to support a human on that?
As for your “Options”

“This is the only option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time”,~ not that owe you any explanation, but Doodlebug has had a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food to eat, and toys to play with, not to mention unconditional love and adornment from
everyone in his life since the beginning of it. He has been provided for, never with any lack of desire to do so by me, The Boyfriend, or either of our families. As a matter of fact, we haven’t even had to filled bankruptcy in the last, well, ever.
OPTION1)
For the first time, since I have known you, I can say you might be correct about something. But there will be a “condition” on my part. The one thing I know truly about you, is that I can not trust you. So, as soon as the papers are in the hands of my attorney, and the judge, that you agree to terminate all your rights to Doodlebug,
and that you, nor anyone in your family, nor future children ever contact him, I will take care of every single penny you owe in back child support. With me writing this, it is enough proof that you will be obligated to nothing. AGAIN, I cannot stress enough, I- DO-NOT-CARE about your financial status or supposed lack there of. You knew, 24 hours after I did, that you were a father-to-be. On that note, as I did, you should have been planning to take care of that obligation, instead of pretending that it might not exist. I assure you, Doodlebug will NEVER need you for anything, so please do not worry or stress anymore that I, or he may ever ask you for anything. You are so kind, to assure me that you would not make either of us “feel bad” for asking, I am just flushed with the feeling of warm fuzzies over that statement.
OPTION2
Well, since I have already agreed to Option 1, there really is no need for me to go into this, however I will say: That for someone who says they have no money, are in financial ruins, and cannot pay child support or arrears, for you to be able to come up with money to “pay the back support in full” sounds quite magical. And yes I am aware that you know where I live, as well as contact phone numbers that I have, because I have abided by our court order, and given these to you, so that I may never be found “in contempt”. Please do not kid yourself on a fantasy that even if our court hearings were changed, that you hold any power of me, I have been a great, upstanding parent, and abided by the law given to me, even with all our circumstances, can you say the same? Your days of bullying me, and now trying to blackmail me with my son, are over. As for you trying to pinpoint court ordered allowances of visitation, our last, effective, COURT ORDER , states that you have to follow through will all phases of visitation before the next starts, so again, stop your bullying, and manipulation, they may serve a greater purpose in other areas of your life, because they are of no use here.

Upsetting for you, sure, why not, looks good on paper. As for Doodlebug, he is a healthy happy child, who knows none the less.

To summarize my reply to everything you said, in short form:

I will make sure, and I have confirmed this with Mr. XXXAG attorney, that once you have signed AND RETURNED the Parental Termination papers of Doodlebug, to my attorney, XXXXXX, and a court date is set, so that I may present it to the judge, at that time, you will be forgiven all future child support, as well as any arrears owed.

.

So...I have spoken with my attorney. He says not to send :(

He says... wait... let the Ex sweat it out....and pay. That I am to have no further contact with him. That the AG is pretty fed up with his antics...

This makes me a tad nervous.

Again... I just want it all to be over with.

Back To Court We Go. . . .

2008-03-26T14:11:00.002-05:00

I just got off of the phone with my case worker from the Texas Office of the Attorney General. . .

It seems now... that I should be awaiting another letter from them... one for a court date.

Seems EX and the Dingo continue to be non-compliant, therefore they have now presently file legal actions against him, and we will have a court date in our future.

The date isn't set as of yet, but should be soon.

This will either mean one of two things:

Those termination papers will finally be sent, or

We will duke it out in court,..... again....

I don't know if I can handle the later, emotionally, mentally, and now physically.

I am at work ... and in silent tears because I just don't know what to do or think

I got offered the job

2008-03-25T14:06:00.004-05:00

For the place that I interviewed.

They want to hire me at $15.57 an hour.

The Houston average is $16.01.

I make $18.00 an hour.

I just added up my gas purchases this year alone, at $700, and that is not including the tollway fees.

New job is just a couple ( and I mean less than 10) miles from my house. It is approximately 2 miles from Doodlebugs school.

Current job is 33 miles from my house, which is at least an hour both directions in traffic. . .

This is a hard decision...

If anyone out there is reading this with sound advice, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME!!!!!

The lady said she would pitch it again to her people.....

And that I should crunch some numbers, so I did.

Currently at $18.....is $37,440.

at $17...... would be $35,360

at $16.50...would be $34,320

at $16.00...would be $33,280

at $15.57....would be $32,385

if gas continued the way it is....I would be paying approximately $3000 a year in gas. And I have already paid almost $200 this year in toll fees....

WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR????

Well I got a call back the a.m. and now she is offering me a $1500.00 sign on bonus that would be available to me 90 days after employment.

I think I am going to call her back, and say $16 per hr...plus the sign on bonus.

No Diagnosis ... Yet

2008-03-25T12:16:00.002-05:00

I went to the Doctor today, and I have to say...so sweet, I loved her. She listed to everything, all of my non-matching symptoms.

First thing is first, tomorrow, I will go get a fasting blood test for her 'diagnosis' or in the medical field ICD-9 code for "other malaise and fatigue which includes: Asthenia NOS, lethargy, postviral (asthenic syndrome) and tiredness.

She is also a bit worried about my throid. And is suggesting the possibility of doing an EGD.

So for blood work tomorrow, I'll be getting a Complete Metabolic Panel, a lipid panel, a CBC with differentials, Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, and a Total Thyroxine, and last but not least a urine analysis.

So maybe there will be some answers... or maybe it is just stress....

Wanna see what I found perusing the internet yesterday...a job ad for Ex's company( I blocked out words that can be telling, sorry ;) ):

Learn to XXXXXXXX!

Learn one of the fastest growing and highest paying
trades in the XXXXXX industry.

If you want to work, are honest and
reliable, we will take care of you!

Bonuses for completed jobs,
referrals, loyalty.

We guarantee we will pay 10% to 20% higher than any
other company for comparable work.

Opportunity to become production
manager and/or run your own crews. Call for details

Special Benefits
Include:

Relocation Reimbursement by
Company

casual dress code

flexible work hours

health insurance

employee profit sharing

special hours
for summer months

Sign-on bonus

Four or more weeks time-off 1st year

Four-day
work week (10 hour days)

Will sponsor visa
if not US citizen

Will consider applicants on a
part-time basis

Independent contractors may respond

Entry level
applicants may respond

Restrictions:
No Telecommuting - must work
all hours on-site
Only considering applicants who currently live in the USA

Pay:
40K-90K

So I am curious...Does anyone else think that this is crazy for a man who can not pay his child support, or has blackmailed me to pay his arrears?!?!?!?!?!

I found these too.... on different advertising internet sites for his company:

Description:
XXXXX is a Dallas-based, XXXXXXXXX. The EX created
& manages the company with his wife, Dingo, who is their Office and Events
Coordinator. They have recently expanded their Dallas & Austin offices and
are in the process of opening their 2nd branch office in San Antonio,
TX. The EX has extensive experience in residential construction with a
special interest in unique, well-engineered designs, cutting-edge technologies,
energy-efficient materials and installation techniques as well as producing the
highest possible return on investment for Texas homeowners.

XXXX is one of the fastest growing XXXXX Companies in Texas and is
projected to be one of the Top 500 XXXXX in the nation in 2008.

--We are having a Great Year so far, so we are keeping the specials
going... Thanks for your Business!,

So how do you deal with all of this information....

I am starting to feel as though I am the only one trying to figure this all out....

It's like a contraction....but worse

2008-03-24T09:04:00.006-05:00

I am miserable today....for many reasons.

I haven't been feeling well for awhile. But lately I've been having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I mean these things make me double over in pain so bad, that I wonder,....did my contractions even hurt this bad???

Well, Friday Boyfriend and I got to go out on a date yea! It was a decent night, a pitcher of sangraia wine and two tattoo's are the results of that night:)

Yes...I did say tattoo's. In Reality world, my name isn't Anabiosis, or even close. As a matter of fact, I am often referred to by my last name. I love my last name. I like that people call me Last name instead of first name, it's cool. Boyfriend's last name begins with the same letter, that mine does, "P". We've both talked about getting a tattoo that was just a P...so we did.

Saturday, I went back home to Beaumont, and had a dinner date with my best friend who I have known for 27 years, and the girl who I talked about in my blog "The most mature relationship", as well as my 39 year old brother who had a cancerous kidney removed just barely 2 weeks ago.

Anyway, I proceed to get hammered. I mean d-r-u-n-k, but a fun drunk. It was good times with good friends, and good food, ...and about 1 and a half Georgia Teas too many.

1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz light
rum
1 oz peach
schnapps
fill with fruit
juice
yummy drink... obviously. And I was just happy to out, pretending to be a normal person. That was all about to change a few hours later.

I woke up around 9, got in the shower, felt fine, but hungover, then death started rattling on my door. I started throwing up, and never stopped. I missed church. I could barely get from the bed to the bathroom. I had the backdoor issues as well. My mother finally forced me to get in the truck so we could all go to my cousins house for Easter. I threw up twice along the way. I started to call Boyfriend, but started throwing up, so I asked my brother to leave a message for him.

I did nothing all except violently throw up, and lay down. And I will admit that I am not only embarrassed, but ashamed that I missed watching Doodle have the best day ever. He got to play with all the little cousins, jump on the trampoline, ride a small moterized bike, he had a blast. I felt like I was dying. I was even toying with going to the E.R. During all of this, once when my mom came to check on me, I asked her to call boyfriend for me, to let him know what was going on, because I didnt' want him worrying about me. She got his voice mail, and left him a message that I was terribly sick. He called back later and told her in a snarky tone, that he would rather I called him, and IF I really was THAT sick, I should see a doctor. She came and told me, and then I thew up some more. About 45 mintues later, I called him from the home phone at my cousins house ( my cell was in my truck ) and left a message, saying I was about to ask my mom to take me to the ER. It was at this time, my cousin asked me if I wanted a phenergan suppository, and I said yes. I know, a little too much info, but it worked. When we climbed back in the truck I called boyfriend who was being mean. I told him I was sick, and his comment was that's what happens when you get drunk. The words aren't that mean themselves...it was the tone. Then he asked me what time I got home last night, and I said, "I don't have a clue."

Then...

He said, "Did you even come home??"

This started a fight.

He didn't believed I was as sick as I was.

Last ngiht.....he assures me that his drunk and coming home comments were jokes, (just ask his brother)...and I got defensive about it. My fault.

I disrespected him by not calling him.

My family disrepected him by not forcing me to call him. By leaving him messages for me.

When I got home, he had packed several bags...and was leaving.

.

I put Doodle in the tub...and sat there with him, while he played with the bubbles left in his Easter Basket.

I still felt miserable. The phenergan was wearing off. He wanted to talk. Which resulted in his normal...if you want, I will leave and you'll never see me again. Not good. I said, bye. He then continued....and continued to tell me what I did was wrong. I needed to apoligize for me and my family disrespecting him....and our relationship. Seems he thinks they were covering up something, "pulling the wool over his eyes."

The whole fight is a blur. I can't remember all of as most of the time I was fighting off the knife like feeilng in my lower abdomen,...and the waves of nausea that were filtering back in. I do remember he made the comment, that I deserved men like The Ex. It was at that point, that I got up, went to the bathroom, and started my bath. Went to our room, got my pj's...and back in. He followed. He asked me what was going on and I replied with, "that was it. That was the comment that ends it all here."

yeah... he left.

I let him...

After my bath...I closed and lock the front door, and went to bed.

He came back. Because he wanted to hug me.

We continued to fight.

My whole thing is this: I became clear to me, that no matter what decision I make (like asking my mom to call him so he would know what was going on) that it isn't right, nor one that makes him happy.

I can't win for losing.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

But in he came. Wondering why I don't care. My answer was simple enough to me.

I am not that girl anymore.

I'm just not. Thanks to Ex. I used to cry. I used to fret. I used to literally worry myself sick.

I am cold. I am broken. All he keep saying was, " I need you to make me stay", and yet all I did was sit there and stare at the wall.

Is it possible? That I am still........carrying that much hate, not to mention that much hurt, that I can't swallow my pride enough to tell Boyfriend that I love him and need him in mine and Doodlebug's life??? The old me, would have groveled. The old me would have cried and begged him to stay. The me post Ex... just sits there and says NOTHING. Not one word.

I am still sick today. My stomach is killing me. I sit here and I wonder, it is stress that is doing this to me? Is it the worry, and the constant "what if" , and "when is he's"??? that is pulling me down so far, that my body is finally starting to react negatively?

Naturally there is so much more to all of this. But I can't even fathom the energy to write. But I was going to let him walk out of our house last night...just let him go. He may still go.

Do I fight?

Do I grovel?

Or do I continue to be the stone of person that I have been???

Got a Doctor's Appointment Tuesday

2008-03-20T15:09:00.002-05:00

Health Care Professionals make the worst patients!!!

We think we can diagnose ourselves...or just keep waiting it out.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a victim of stress. I am the person that over thinks EVERYTHING and lets it get to me.

I have once been on Paxil, didn't seem to do much, as well as Ambien (which I loved) and Dysrel (knocked me out - can't do with a child in the house now).

Anyway, I finally did it.

I made a doctor's appointment to see if there is anything I can do for my fatigue.

Last September-ish, when I went for my yearly OB/GYN visit, I discuss my lack of desire, and my inability to sleep well. Her suggestion was to "get some of the stress out of my life."

I smiled patiently, and thought, "Wonder if next time I fill out a patient history form, if I should give her a copy of the notebook I have filled full of 4 years of hateful emails, posts written on websites, text messages, and court documents. . . "and then she is she can seriously ask me to see if I can reduce some of the stress in my life.

Although I am no longer receiving the hateful emails, or posts that Dingo used to write, I am still under the stressors of waiting for the termination papers.

Anyway....here's to hoping this Doc can help me with the fatigue, and everything else....

An Update of Sorts

2008-03-20T10:13:00.002-05:00

I didn't' get home from my CPR Instructor class until after 11 the other night, and by the time we (doodlebug and I-he was at my brother's house) got home, in our PJ's etc, we were both exhausted. And he, was showing signs of being "over-tired". Not to mention, Uncle forgot to grab his backpack from school, which I had packed his blankie in, so there we were, without it and in bed, not a good thing.

Anyway, he kept crying out, so I finally got in bed with him (thank goodness I opted for the full over twin bunk) and just slept with him that night.

Boyfriend and I made a little small talk on my way out of the house, and a short phone conversation about how it must have rained mud that night by how our clean automobiles looked that morning.

Yesterday was ok too, except, I decided to take one of those terrible tasting 5 hour energy shot things, and was nauseated for the rest of the day. I finally threw up after dinner, which was terrible. We got Barrilla pasta sauce with a wine flavor and it was disgusting. Anyway, I finally dug out my phenergan, and took one, which always makes me sleepy, so I went to bed by myself.

Boyfriend is upset though because, #1, my dog chewed through our new law mower pull string thing. #2, He can't find his favorite hat, thinks it somehow (via doodlebug) got tossed into one of the leave bags. No one's fault but his own, he should have put it up.

Anyway, I think he was upset that I went to bed, but he was in the man-cave when I was yaking, so I am not sure if he knew how sick I really was.

To add, I am starting to wonder if I need to go find a family doctor. I am so fatigued all the time, I am wondering if maybe I am becoming anemic, or have low hemoglobin counts or something. I am way to tired all the time. And no, I am not pregnant, I already took a test to make sure.

On an up note, boyfriend added me to his 24 hour fitness membership, so I can go workout and maybe that will help.

As for the Doodle!!!

Joyous news! He has been on green all week!!! The kids have a thing that resembles a red light. Red is obviously bad, yellow, not great, and Green is Good!!!

I think by us, turning off his TV last week, and really really having "family" and "Doodle-attention" time worked for him. He's been alot better, and I just hope we can keep it up.

I am sorry this post stinks...but I am just too tired to get too deep into anything right now.

I'll be cleaning house all day tomorrow. It's a holiday at work, and my mother is coming to help, thank God... so cheers for now, hope you have a great weekend and a Happy and Safe Easter!

She let the Mascara Run. . . .

2008-03-18T16:27:00.003-05:00

When I lived in Beaumont, I had a friend, who introduced me to a guy who was the lead singer in a local band, called Knuckle Deep. His name is Lee Pelly.

He used to sing at karoke night at a bar called Madison's, and I fell in loooove with his voice.

He even sang a song to me,....on my birthday....

ahhhh

Anyway, one night, he sang this song...and it touched me personally.

I love this song, and always search it out when I am feeling blue, because I always seem to think he is singing about me.

Anyway, click on his band's myspace page, and click on Mascara and tell me what you think!

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=72704386

Not a word was spoken, all through the house

2008-03-18T08:05:00.012-05:00

last night.
I didn't hear from boyfriend all day yesterday.
He wasn't home yesterday when I got home. I cooked dinner, he never showed up, so Doodlebug and I ate, I put left overs for him in a container and left it out for him. He came home as I was getting out of the tub. Not a word was said. Finally after getting dressed, I told him I had cooked dinner and it was on the stove. "Thank you."
I then overheard him talking to his mom (in Florida) about apartments there that were for rent.
After he hung up, he walked out and told me to call my brother's kids and tell them he was on his way over so they wouldn't be freaked out.
I called my brother, apparently he had asked him to do a favor for him.
I went to bed later, still nothing from boyfriend. I am not even sure when he came home.
No words this morning.
On my way out the door, I said bye, and he ignored me and said nothing.

I slammed the door.
I emailed him and sent him a text message to let him know that he need not worry about picking up Doodle from school for me today while I am at CPR classes.
I just logged onto myspace, and his message says:

Just going to give up

I am not going to let any man make me feel guilty about the choices I make in my life.
I am sad, I am hurt, I am heartbroken, and I am furious.
.

_________________________________________________________

A case of "the Monday's"

2008-03-17T08:19:00.006-05:00

So, an update on my weekend:

Friday was ok, I got paid, and decided to buy Doodle something for Easter Sunday Church. I bought two outfits, bringing them back to the office so my secretary could help me chose between the two, and I would take the other back. Well, I took the bag into my son's room and boyfriend followed me in there. He asked, "What is that", so I explained it to him. This is a land mine about to explode. He proceeds to tell me I need to start watching where I spend my money, and that I over do it on my son. I looked at him, and the only thing needed to come out of my mouth was, "It's my money." He got angry, and kind of stormed off. The night was horrible. I just went about my business around the house not really talking to him.

He explained later that he saw me bawling about money the day before (about my truck) and he I was spending money. I explained to him, I had already budgeted for his church clothes, a whopping $23 (old navy) and that that was our family holiday, and we always did that, it was a tradition, I wasn't willing to give up. So, Anyway....on to other things.....

Boyfriend ALWAYS complains that we have no friends, life is sooooo boring etc. Well, I joined a group at meetup.com. My new friend Stephanie, was having a crawfish boil this weekend, and I was so excited about going, meeting new friends, letting Doodle play with other kids, and all that jazz. So, I woke up bright and early Saturday morning, resumed cleaning up around the house, and trying to get stuff organized. By the time boyfriend woke up, I had the kitchen in tip top shape. So I mention to him, that I was planning on running by Conn's and just finally getting a lawnmower so we could do a little yard work that day. He gets fired up and decided that he would just get it and I could half it with him that way. He started checking things out on the internet, (while I am still spiffing up the place) and finally says:

"Why don't we get dressed, and go look for one real quick, then we'll have it."

I think real quick, means real quick. It doesn't. It means 3 hours of shopping for a lawn mower. Saturday was a beautiful day, and spending it inside his truck while we go from Wal-mart, to Lowe's, to Sears, was not my cup of sunshine. Then, Doodle decides he is hungry and wants pizza (he saw CiCi's next to Sears) and I deliberately say, let's just order one and pick it up. The wait inside Sears for someone to help us was maddening in itself. Then as soon as we get out, Boyfriend wants to take Doodle to CiCi's. At this point, I am about to die, it's about 2ish, and I just want to be outside. I give in and we ate crappy CiCi's. At some point, he asks me what is wrong, and I say, I just want to hurry up and get home. Then he on the quite sly says, "What is with you and why are you always in a hurry"...I tried to get him to repeat that, which he didn't, so I finally say I just want to go to the party. His remark was "she hasn't even called you back", ( I left her cell number at home, and called her house-which wastn't answered but didn't surprise me thinking she is probably OUTSIDE!!) Anyway we get back, and of course we start racking leaves...14 bags to be exact.

We got the leaves up, he mowed, and when it came to to talk about at least going by my new friends house, I get, "You can go I'll probably just stay here." #$@%#$%@#$^@#$%#$%@#$%

I made a huge attempt to meet people who were like us, young, with kids, who did stuff....and what do I get from him... not so interested in meeting them, or at least that is what I felt like.

So, I finally, and sadly let my friend know that we wouldn't be coming. I was tired, physically and mentally.

Sunday was spent, getting stuff for the flower beds, and working more on our front yard. Last night was the big blow up.

After working ALL DAY.... he got in the shower first, while I heated up mine, and Doodlebug's dinner, and was trying to come up with something for his (we were munching on leftovers). He got out, helped himself to his left over IHOP, we ate, I took a quickish bath, got Doodle bathed, and anyone who has a 3 year old, knows this can be a chore (all while he is lounging on his chair watching ESPN), getting Doodle dressed in his pj's, and off to his room for bedtime....

I finally get to the living room to ****ahhhhh****lay down and rest, where I make the most sincere comment, "I-am-exhausted- every- muscle- in- my -body-aches."

FRICK AND FRACK

2008-03-13T16:50:00.003-05:00

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY TODAY...I AM SHAKING.

JUST SPENT THE LAST OF MY SAVINGS ON MY TRUCK, AND DINGO AND I GOT INTO IT *sort of* on the phone....

GOING HOME NOW TO DRINK LOTS OF SHINER BLONDE.....

WILL BE CONTINUED IN DEPTH TOMORROW......

ok,.... today is a new day, and I am in a much better mood, letting the events of yesterday soak away.

My serptine belt broke as well, as a tensioner and pulley in my Montero. $600 later, I am just so mad because I had so many plans for that money, that I was crying and so upset yesterday. Today though, I am grateful that I had the extra money, and I am with a vehicle that is safe to drive. Yes, it sucks to spend that much money on your vehicle, but at least I had it to spend right?

My father called me yesterday from my attorney's office (they are buddies) to ask about the status of my truck. My attorney in the background, asked if I had heard from Ex, and I said, no I will call him today. This was around 9:30 in the morning. I called, and seems Mr. and Mrs. We are so busy at our thriving business, where not in yet, as well as not answering phone calls from their answering service. Couple of phone calls later, and I finally got, "Ex said he isn't in the office right now and he can't take your phone call."

What the hell difference does it make if he is in his "office" or not to take a personal phone call concerning me helping him with his child support arrears?????

One last phone call around 4:30, and Dingo gets on the phone superiorly huffy tone, and said, "Ex is in a conference with a woman and has been all day....he's gotten all your messages."

I say, "ok, well I need some info. 1st of all, did you get the fax of that page that my attorney sent that you requested?"

Dingo: "yes I did."

Me: "Ok, well you said that Ex would email, let me know what is going on and when he planned to send the papers, and I haven't gotten anything."

Dingo: " Well, Ex has gotten all your messages, and when he isn't busy, he'll get back to you."

grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... internal temperature rising.........

Me: "ok. well how about this, do you guys have a home phone number or cell? I'll call him back around 9 tonight, when we are both not busy." {I called their listed home number today, and it has been disconnected}

Dingo: "No! well, ...I mean , yes we have numbers but I am NOT giving them to you" in the snarkiest tone......

LAST FREAKING STRAW: BLOW UP IMMINENT

Me:" you do realize that he is court ordered, and it is a law, that I am provided with his current phone numbers???" ~~Me calling the 1800 number listed on their web site, only talking to the "answering service" is not working, since he isn't able to ever receive his calls.

Dingo: "Well, he's got your messages, if he wants you to know his numbers, he'll call you or email you whatever."

Me: "Ok...just a reminder, IT IS LAW."

AND I HUNG UP THE PHONE.

I was considering telling EX, that I would waive all arreages, yesterday, but after that little stunt. Option dropped. If Dingo thinks that she is big enough, and bad enough, and somewhat important enough to refuse to tell me a way to talk to the other parent of my child, then she can take time from her busy playing with her new puppy, and do the rest of everything, while the arrearages add right up.

As of this moment in time, I am done. I am done doing what should be their work.

As a matter of fact, a great friend of mine, went as far as to drive by their house yesterday (she lives 2 miles away), and as I suspected, it does NOT have a foreclosure sign out front.

So...if he has the ability to come up with quite a few thousand dollars to save the dump from foreclosure....he can come up with his back child support.

Last night, my father called again, to check on me and doodle, and the truck. He then told me he had been by the court house today, to pick up some paperwork, and found out the child support office had filed a "writ" against ex yesterday. I had no idea what that meant. So, I looked up the definition online today:

In law, a writ is a formal written order issued by a body with administrative or judicial jurisdiction. In modern usage, this public body is normally a court. Warrants, prerogative writs, and subpoenas are types of writs, but there are many others.

HOLY COW... HAHAHAHAHAH look at this one I just found!!!!

Writ of Execution
When a paying parent fails to make court-ordered support payments a writ of execution can be issued. A levying officer, usually the sheriff's office, serves the writ on the parent or person or company that is holding an asset of the parent - such as a bank account, retirement fund, inheritance, boat, rental property, etc. -- and takes control of the property. The paying parent has a short period of time after the property is seized to go to court to request the writ be quashed. The writ will only be quashed if the property seized is exempt from xecution, if the seizure was improper, or the debt was already paid. If the writ is not quashed and the property seized is cash or money in an account it will be turned over to the child support agency. If the property seized is not cash, it will be sold at auction and the money from the sale will be turned over to the child support agency.

To be fair... there are also writ's of with holding from paycheck etc, however, has many times declared that he doesn't receive income from the business that his wife owns. Yes, last April, the business went from:

80% EX
20% Wife

0% EX
100% Wife

So, technically, I have no idea what is going on...but it most certaintly can not be good on their part.

*sigh*

just wanting this to all be over.....

Prostitution As a Career

2008-03-12T10:48:00.010-05:00

So , I never talk about anything in the news,but I am going to today. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer got caught as client #9 in a prostitution ring. He isn't the first, he isn't going to be the last. They say it is sinful. They say is spreads diseases. So is causal sex you aren't getting paid for. . . .

First and foremost, I would like to say, that I do not condone prostitution, I personally think it is a vial and filthy way for a woman to live her life. With that said, I think that is a woman so chooses to sell her intimate body parts and services as a career, shouldn't have any other person have the right to tell her to stop , it's her body.

Prostitution is actually one of the oldest professions in the world. At times, it has been celebrated, such as women in Asian cultures who are Geisha's, who were NOT originally or technically prostitutes, but they did have their client #9 or danna. Then there were the ever infamous courtesan's of the 16th century, and they were the lucky ones. Beautiful, taught to be intelligent, and be able to "carry on educated conversations with men" hmmm... is it really that hard? I guess what I am getting at, is at some point in time, prostitution became completely sinful. And I agree to a point. I think intimacy should be about love and passion, and commitment, but who of us haven't had a crazy romp in our lives???

This morning while driving to work, and listening to the radio, I couldn't help but think, "why not let these women, earn a living this way?"

Is is because, this is a career that men could truly not excel at? Yes, yes, I know that there are men prostitutes, but I don't know if they could hold their own in this particular market.

Is is because of women, who fear for their husbands paying to go astray??? I say if your husband is going to be vile enough to sleep with a hooker, divorce his ass, because he doesn't deserve you, your commitment, and loyalty to your marriage anyway.

Hustler and Playboy models make boocoos of money off of showing every crease and cranny they have to the public, why isn't that against the law? Porn is one the biggest industry's alive today, if selling your body for sex, should be illegal, well there is plenty of visual evidence to start throwing all these horrific offenders in the jail house along with all the other murderers, rapists, and other despicable outlaws.

I guess, what I am trying to get at is this: If someone wants to sell you her va-jay-jay for a career, (sooo many of them do behind closed doors in offices, government, anywhere you can excel anyway), I say let them.

If you are old enough to make enough money to pay to have sex with a woman who has seen more penis's than your local urologist, then your old enough to know to wear a condom, and do what is appropriate to prevent the possible spread of diseases.

I know that this is a weird and unusual post, but I can't help but think it.

What do you think?

(oh and by the way....for anyone who is keeping track --- still no cokes and 134.5 lbs this morning!)

My New Office "Chair"

2008-03-11T15:29:00.003-05:00

So...I caught an article ( http://www.gearfire.net/10-reasons-to-use-an-exercise-ball-as-your-chair/ )that peeked my interest, Here is the basis of it:

1. Forces proper spine alignment. Because an exercise ball is not stable, your body needs to try to balance itself on it. The perfect spinal posture is coincidently the easiest to balance with. Thus, your body will automatically try to align itself into the proper posture. This helps improve your spinal health, and decrease back pains.

2. Causes you to frequently change positions. An exercise ball causes to you to change your position often to balance. For example, if you turn 45 degrees to face the phone, your body will assume a new position. This helps reduce damage caused by prolonged sitting in the same position.

3. Fitness is at your fingertips. Another great thing about using this alternative to a chair, is that you can do stretches or mini-workouts whenever you want, without getting up. If you’ve ever stuck waiting for a minute or two, you can make productive use of that time with a quick workout or stretch. Because it’s much more convenient, you will probably do it more, thus resulting in better health.

4. Improve your balance. This one is very understandable. Sitting on an unstable surface all day will improve your sense of balance, as well as the reactions of your muscles. The result? An overall better balance, that can be observed out of the office.
5. Get that 6-pack you’ve been wanting. Your body primarily uses your core (abdominal) muscles to help compensate for changes in balance. Thus, your essentially getting a low-key abdominal workout. This may not sound like a lot, but consider the amount of time you spend on your computer at the office, or at home. Those hours can build up, and result in a strengthening of ab muscles.

6. Improves your circulation. Using an exercise ball will keep the blood flowing to all parts of your body, throughout the day. A desk chair on the other hand, reduces circulation to some parts of the body after prolonged use.

7. You’ll feel more energetic. It has been proven that staying in one position, will make you more tired, while moving around and being active with give you more energy. With an exercise ball as a chair, you will feel much more energized after you finish your work.

8. Burn up to 350 calories per day. More movement during the day = more calories burnt. Burning 350 calories per day = losing one pound of fat every 10 days. You may not burn quite 350, but nonetheless, it will help you stay it.

9. Really cheap. Specialized exercise balls designed for sitting usage can range from $15 to $80. Much cheaper than buying an ergonomic chair, which can range anywhere from $100 to $400 and up.

10. C’mon, its fun! Who doesn’t like the idea of bouncing around on an exercise ball all day. Exercise balls are an exciting alternative to chairs, and may just give that spark of fun to your day.

Now you should know that since being a nurse, I have suffered from back pain, but since I have taken this office nurse job, it is sometimes completely intorlerable. I attribute it from sitting at this desk all of most days.

So, I went to Marshall's on my lunch break and found this for $9.99. I am sitting on it as we speak, and I can feel my stomach muscles hard at work. Plus its fun to roll back and forth so far.

It isn't easy for someone who slouches as much as I do, but I am looking forward to working through the initial pain, to see if it really is worth the effort.

My secretary is laughing at me......

Intervention

2008-03-11T08:16:00.004-05:00

ok, so I am kind of "addicted" to Intervention on A&E. http://www.aetv.com/intervention/ Which is kind of ironic, since the show is about addicts. Anyway, last night was about a sorority girl who was bulimic. She got kicked out of her sorority house because of a binge where she ate 70 girls month of food in 2 weeks, and naturally threw it all up.

Boyfriend and I was watching, he because I think it just baffled him, me because I was bulimic for about 5 1/2 years. I was never as bad as this girl. Just watching everything she ate made me feel physically ill. I never binged. I would just eat, feel full, cause I was a member of the "clean plate club" growing up, and then throw it up. Boyfriend was amazed when this girl's brother said, they had once taken 30lbs of vomit out of her room. Now I find that disgusting, but I had to explain to boyfriend, when I was still at home in highschool, my mom had pretty much quit cooking dinner, and we ate McDonald's or Sonic everynight. So, I would grab a plastic Wal-Mart bag, be in my room, throw it up, and when I could, take it outside to our trash can. I hide my bulimia from everyone. No one knew it. And thankfully, I guess it wasn't that bad, because I was still always a tad overweight, and never got super skinny from it. But last night I understood the girl, what she was feeling, when she said, "I may never be cool with food."

I still have issues with food and eating, and my body. There was a small period of time, that I liked my weight, but unfortunately, I was there because I was doing other things, that I shouldn't have been doing. They were at first, like any other college kid, an experimentation. But my reward was, I was finally losing weight that I had fought a battle my whole life to lose. I went from my normal 145+lbs, down to 120 in about a month. I was STOKED! I was never 'hungry', and my goodness, I went from a size 7/8 or 9 down to a 4, then later down to a 2.

At rock bottom, was when Ex and I broke up. I had always vowed never to do certain things. But he broke up with me for an ex-girlfriend whose name rhymed with Coke Slut, and so that is what we called her "Her Name-The Coke Slut".

Andy (remember him) came to my apartment one day and saw me in shambles, and ushered me to go somewhere for spring break. Just so happened that my best friend from High School and some of her friends were going to New Orleans, so I tagges along. It was there I decided to give a certain something a try..... we did it all week.

I moved to Houston the next week, where for a few months, our experimentation lead us to something more expensive, and definitely more productive in the weight loss department. I'll never say I was addicted. But I did "it" damn near everyday for months. I never had to pay for it. Andy always gave me plenty, so there it always was. When it ran out, we got more. At the height of this affair, I was playing with about 110, 109 lbs. I loved it. THAT, was what I was addicted to, the weight loss. The size 0-2 clothes. After Larry and I got back together, we 'partied' a little, but since we got engaged and were getting married, I didn't want that life, it didn't fit me, before it was a way to null my heartbreak, and my fear of being overweight. So I stopped, for me it wasn't hard to do really. There were 2 times I wanted to and did, because, well, I 'm not going to lie, it's fun. But then, I finally grew tired and didn't want to do those things at all, however, he always pushed me into it at the end of our 'relationship' a few more than a couple of times, then I found out I was pregnant (I hadn't done anything in over a month), and stopped, cold turkey without looking back. Not to mention, he 'partied' alot while I thought we were both not doing anything like that, which is how I realized all his money was gone, thanks to stippers, and drugs.

I guess watching this girl on tv last night just brought up alot of old memories, and truths. I am freaked out about gaining anymore weight. And before anyone asks, no, I don't nor will I ever use drugs anymore, but I would be lying, if I said I am never trying to figure anything else out that would work. I would be lying if I didn't think about throwing up sometimes. If someone were to show me a pill that wasn't a narcotic, that wouldn't destroy my heart, kidneys, or liver, that would make me lose weight have that kind of energy again, I'd buy it bulk.

This is me, today, my God, you can tell I am a slouch at the computer by the wrinkles on my scrubs. Am I fat? Not really. My scrub shirt that is way old, could be a little bigger. I think my shoulders are too broad, my arms are flabby and could use some super duper toning. My belly, could use alot, as well as my back. These are just the things that go through someone heads that has an "overcritical image of themselves." I am not going to say I have a disorder, but I think way too much, and thankfully I am intelligent, and educated enough to know better than do something stupid, like throwing up again, or anything else that will harm my body.

By the way , this was the haircut I was going for, not exactly what I got. But it can grow out right?

I don't even know why I am blogging about this, I guess, I just feel bad for the girl. I understood her addiction. Hell, I am still addicted to the scales. I weighed 136lbs today, so I guess I got rid of that extra pound, but am I any happier? No. In my head, I will keep saying the same thing I have said to myself for as long as I can remember, "Not good enough."

I guess it is this type of addiction, you can't really get over, you just deal with it. I am absolutely terrified of having another baby, because I am afraid of gaining weight. I am now 16lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Doodlebug. In my head, it is a MUST, a prerequisite if you will for me to drop at least 10lbs and maintain before I ever entertain the idea of getting pregnant. *The mad ramblings of woman fixated on her weight right?* But those are the little thoughts that run wild through my head.

Right now, I am depressed because I can't seem to lose weight. Boyfriend is adding me to his gym membership so that will help, but I can't help but wonder, will I really feel better about my appearance, or will be just something else to hide the fear I have of gaining weight?????

How can 1 lb irritate you so badly?

2008-03-10T09:06:00.022-05:00

OK, so I am on a mission....to lose 10 lbs by may 2008. Last week, I stopped drinking sodas. It's officially been 4 days now, (with the exception for a few sips on a diet coke yesterday, and I literally mean like 4). I would have thought there would have been at least a pound, one little single pound shed by that! Nope, I gained one. And I worked like a mad women this weekend.

Friday night was "Date Night" for boyfriend and I. There is a really neat art studio in town that was having a parent's night out from 5:30-9, for $15.00 + bring a meal, so I signed Doodlebug up . I even drove him by there that morning to look at it and things of that nature so it wouldn't be that big of a shock to him. I never just drop him off with anyone, and I was a little apprehensive about it, but a mom I met through a meet up group I joined at meetups.com suggested it, so I thought I would give it a whirl. As soon as I picked him up from school, he was ready to go to Picasso's Place. I drove him through McDonald's for nuggest, apple slices and chocolate milk. I observed 2 other vehicles in front of me singlely getting happy meals as well, as we all pulled out, going to the same place :). I thought he might hug my leg, until he warmed up, but like a duck in water, he was off, rolling play-dough into snakes with other children.

Boyfriend and I spent the entire rest of our night at Outback, mostly at the bar waiting for a table, while drinking 22oz beer, and another on the way to our table...(ah ha....that is probably where that lb came from !). Anyway, then we got into a stupid fight, which I may detail later. I just sent an email to a friend from high school, to see if she can back up my part of the fight, and if she has the right answer, I'll write more about it. But needless to say, that twin over full bunk came in handy , because that was were I slept friday night....I showed him....whatever, that thing was so uncomfortable, I put a feather bed on it yesterday. How many 3 year olds do you know that own two beds? One with a goose down featherbed, and the upper twin that has egg crates??? He's rotten.

Then we spent saturday, diving into our boxes of messes. Throwing some stuff to the trash, some stuff the garage sale pile, others to the put back in the plastic totes (as my mother calls them) and up in the attic. Which was another huge fiasco. We had to make another trip to lowes because boyfriend who has searched the attic when we first moved in for critters, said we needed ply wood, to put across the rafters so we could make solid places for our boxes. Ok, I felt it ok to spend the money on that, so I bought two huge pieces of plywood at $34. We got home, and guess what is up in the attic?

Enough ply wood, that we make a few places to place our storage containers.

A little furry rat, whom I now call Ralphy, who made my boyfriend jump and almost squeal too cute.

So, I am not sure what he and his brother did for like an hour and a half that night in the attic, but there is a critter....and there is plywood. I'm taking what we bought back, one sheet of it anyway, boyfriend wants to make a sturdier door from the other sheet for the shed outside, I can't wait to see how this turns out *rolling eyes, with a massive inspiration*.

.

Then, yesterday, we got rid of my beast of a king size mattress, FINALLY. My parents gave it to me, when I got my first apartment, that was mine alone, back in 2001. They had first gotten it back when my niece was a baby, and she will be 20 this year. So, ick... it was in need of being chunked! Then we (I) took some stuff to my brother's for our combo garage sale. And last, I started tackling some of the decorations for doodle's room. I am still not finished, and I have to say that the bunk takes up sooooooooo much room!!! But we turned it around, and put cork board up behind the headboards, and are planning to add some tiki-skirting under the cork boards to make little curtains, so just imagine along with me.

The moon light that you see, it really cool! I got it at Ikea, but is just darling when it's lit up in a dark room. I also got him a second one that is a blue star just to the left of his bed. He loves to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", whenever he turns them on at night. I have the matching twin quilt now in the mail too. I had too. So much for my savings account, right??

He came home with two paintings from Picasso's Place, so I tacked them onto his top twin board.

Here is a sort of different angle. Yes, he is 3, still loves his blankie and still sucks his thumb when we are not reminding him not to. I wish I would have closed the blinds sooner, or at least before taking the pictures! I am thinking that I want to make a red and white stripped curtain for his window, but can't decided for sure. What do you think? Leave the blinds? make a curtain? Any suggestions about the room at all are definitely appreciated! And I have to say , I love his bed. I think I made a great purchase here! It's much sturdier than the metal one for sure! Little monkeys...jump on the bed.....

This is actually a neat picture, you can see my little starfish now that are painted and not just wood anymore! They were suppose to be Texas stars, but I painted the outside white, the inside yellow, and left the star the natural wood color so it would look more like a starfish.

I also found 2 really cool posters from www. allposters.com for his room! Boyfriend, donated a pretty shirt from a Ron Jon Surf shop for me to do something creative with, it's on his red oversized anywhere chair.

For right now, I have his TV on a plastic set of drawers, it works, for now at least. When I was a teen (and now too I guess) I have always been a hopeless beach lover. I even went through my surfer (if you can call it that on Texas waves) phase. To commerate all things Holy in the land of Surf and Turf, I found this super cool, tin Endless Summer Poster, as well as beachy wall stickers from Target, and I stole boyfriend Tiki Torches, that used to be on his apartment balcony.

Ok, so I messed up on my pictures here, but that's ok :) This was the other picture poster I got. It is just really pretty and colorful, but there is a big glare on it, but I think you can somewhat make it out. The palm tress and the surf boards are complementary of a kit I got at Target for about $15.00.

I also got the live to surf board at Target, and the cutie hula girl and hut picture is one that boyfriend had at his apartment, I think in his kitchen, but I can't remember. And last but not least, I still haven't tackled the monster of the nook where his bookshelf currently resides piled with toys, boys, those cute to be put up toy holders I bought at Ikea too.... There will be toys to be sold at the garage sale.....I can't wait.

So that was the majority of my weekend.

This week is going to be a monster. Already work has been tough. I started this at about 8:30 this morning, and right now I am eating my lean cuisine pizza and drinking water....dying for a coke though!

I really want to get back into shape. Yesterday while Doodle was sleeping and I was tying myself into knots to get the featherbed on his bunk, I was watchign bulging brides, and kept wondering about the fact, that if THEY can do it in 6 weeks, I should be able to as well....

Let the count down begin.

Weighed today: 137lbs. Not happy about that at all......
36 inches at bust (with padded bra...sad I know)
30 inches at waist, although boyfriend and I argue about where that is. I say it's where I curve in between my ribs and my hips. He says that is my ribs. He think my waist is where the "waistband of your jeans or underwear sit"...I think he doesn't understand the term "hip-huggers". . . .
37 big ol inches at my butt.....

ok...I'm super sad now...........

What to Think About When....

2008-03-06T12:49:00.003-06:00

When you have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to think about???

For one, I am restudying my Nursing 4 exam (yawn) <~ but I guess I shouldn't be yawning if I failed it with a D last time right? I am thinking about all the boxes that still need unpacking......and all the stuff that needs to be done around the house..... I am trying really really hard not to think about the EX, and why those damed papers haven't made it to my attorney yet. And yes... I have done it again, which means her myspace reads:

Dingo is hoping my baby gets me a new puppy this week!!!

Really? Last time I knew, having a new puppy isn't cheap, and they already have a dog, that can't be more than 3-4 years old. Ugh.

I am looking for a new job, and interviewed for one I fell in love with yesterday and hoping it goes well.

I'm actually on the phone with the AG and they are soooooo ridiculous and won't tell me anything, because I have an attorney, then...they won't even transfer me to my case worker who knows it's ok to talk to me since my attorney gave them permission! This is so frustrating.

I just want to know if EX or Dingo have spoken with them at all about our 'arrangement'.

oh wait some has got on the line!

Oh yeah baby, and now she's transferring me to the attorney for the AG who handles my case!!

****** holding ******

Ok, so, I do believe in the best interest of ridding myself of everything. I am going to agree to release everything. The attorney said, all my attorney needs to do, is to set a court date, I am going to ask for either March 21 (Good Friday & I am off of work that day!) or March 24th. Show up to court, finalize the termination, me sign the judgment and release, and it will all be over with!!!

I know that actually have a little extra money in hand could have been nice. But what can be nicer, starting where I can finally stop worrying about all of this. I know it won't happen over night. But I have all the faith in the world that it will happen.

Do I just bucked it up and called Ex....Dingo got on the phone, HEAVEN FORBID EX TALK TO ME DIRECTLY :)) Lord help the two of them, because I dare not believe that they can help themselves.

She said, he hasn't sent them yet, because she notarized them for him, and well his father (who is an attorney) didn't think that was ok. So she needs my attorney to resend them. Seems Ex is asking his father for help drawing up the agreement we had. Great if it works, if not, I'll still release it.

So I just faxed a little note to my attorney...hoping he is out of court soon so we can talk.

I believe I need a reboost

2008-03-04T13:17:00.009-06:00

I have come to realize, that I am zapped of any energy all the time.

I sat waiting at the hospital with my dad yesterday for him to be called in for a colonoscopy, and right there, in public, something I have never done, I feel asleep. Not to mention, went to bed at a decent hour, slept in, but man....I felt so tired and sleepy, layed my head back...and jumped up 10 maybe 15 minutes later when they opened the door to call a patient back.

Boyfriend is entirely 'frustrated' with me because, I never, and I mean never, have the interest in anything at night, other than sleeping. I used to like mornings, but not even that anymore. I feel exhausted all the time. I feel sleepy all the time.

I feel bad for Boyfriend, because although we've had a few arguments here and there over my lack luster zeal for passion on the sheets, he's been extremly patient with me. I want to have more energy for these things, but don't have a clue where to find it. I read all these other single mom's blogs, about dating and their sex life, and I can't help but wonder where, and how do they find the energy and 'want-to' for it?

I love boyfriend, I am very attracted to boyfriend, but I just want to sleep all the time. As soon as a few things die down some, I really want to start exercising again. I know everyone says, exercising, helps boost energy. As I was perusing the web today, I found this article:

http://http//health.discovery.com/centers/sex/articles/romancetips.html

I really liked what it said here:

"Take time for yourself every day. While this can be tough with hectic schedules, jobs and kids, even 10 to 15 minutes a day can help reduce your stress and give you more energy for your partner. What's more, says Laura, "it's really hard to go out and go bungee jumping if you've neglected your own life. It's important to keep your own energy going. The more connected to who you are, the less you get lost in the daily grind, which pulls you away from your partner. And the more sensual and the more connected to yourself you are, the more available you are for your partner. I think it's really tough when one partner stays really connected with themselves and the other is still lost. Both partners really need to make a commitment to do that."

There is where my biggest fault is. I don't really ever have time to myself. I have tried like a bazillion times, to tell boyfriend, I don't like talking on the phone on my way to work or on the way home (the only alone time I really have). He takes it personally, thinking I don't want to talk to him, which isn't necessarily always true. Yes sometimes I call people I haven't talked to in a while or something like that, but with them, I am talking, not just sitting on the phone in silence with nothing to really talk about. His defense, he just wants to be on the phone with me, doesn't matter if we have anything to talk about, I however, find that annoying.

I don't really know where to start compromising with him.

If anyone is reading this, and you have any tips, suggestions, comments, PLEASE SHARE!

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

2008-02-25T09:55:00.008-06:00

TODAY... I looked....

My myspace "mood" has been, "someone thinks I am an idiot."

Today's her's says, "Anabiosis!!! nobody thinks you're an idiot, take the freaking deal so this can all be over, we're not trying to trick you!!! "

Right now...

I just don't know what to say...I am shaking, and about to start crying I am so mad!

This is a fax I sent today:

February 25, 2008

Poop for Morals,

As you know, I received a copy of your fax. I talked to my attorney this morning, and he told me that someone from your 800 number called Friday, but he was unable to return your call. I then volunteered to return your phone call, assuming that anything we have to say in our legal matter can be handled in a mature, rational, and reasonable way. Your answering service told me you were not answering your phone call, and I told them I would call you back, as I am busy at my job, and can not always take phone calls.

While I had a few minutes to spare between patients, I thought I would go ahead and ask you the nature of your phone call. As you well know, there are some kinks to be ironed out in this delicate situation that faces us. I think between the two of us, we can do that in business like, and unemotional way, so that the only attorney between the two of us, can go on about his business, earning his living, with as little interference between the two of us as possible.

As for your suggestion as to me paying your arrears, that isn’t a viable option, and we should start discussing other alternatives. Please think about this so when I am able to get in touch with you, we can talk briefly, and quickly.

I am happy to move forward with our legal matter, as I know you are. The more compromising the two of us can be towards one another, the better for all involved. I willing to listen to any other suggestions, and I hope you are as willing to listen to mine.

As always, if nothing can be negotiated between the two of us, we can resort to past methods.

Anabiosis

I have now called his office twice. Once at 10:41, he wasn't answering his phone says his female answering service. And again at 1:12, where he was unavailable says his male answering service, who was very willing to try to connect me to Dingo, where I promptly said, "No thank you, I am not interested in talking to her."

My next plan of action is to return phone call one more time, and if not... I'm not going to worry about it further. (for today anyway)

So I changed my mood to "Deal???"

Now her's says....

YES...deal, as in you get what you want finally.

So i am changing mine to,"r-e-s-p-o-n-s-i-b-i-l-i-t-y"

and hers...is now blank

I called again, she got on the phone and asked me to call back in 20 minutes, which is now...because he just had an installer come into the show room and he's *busy* and can't really talk about this right now. grrr......

I'll call back.....

We've made an agreement.

He'll send the termination papers overnight to my attorney, as well as pay $2722 towards arrears. I, in turn, will release $2000, that I would never get anyway. And before anyone thinks so, I am not dishing out a single dime. I am forgiving that much. What he is paying, is what he owed, when he agreed to terminate. What I am basically forgiving, is since then.

Could I have fought it and drug it out. Of course. But this way, I get some piece of mind.

What a Day, What a Day

2008-02-22T14:01:00.003-06:00

The attorney for the Attorney General called me this morning. I sent my case worker a copy of the fax, as well as some other things I have gathered from the internet in the last, oh...year I think. Anway, the attorney called me to answer my questions as to "where are we on collecting the child support?"

His answer was, He knew from the last court hearing that Ex wanted to terminate rights, so they just haven't done anything to collect. He was surprised it has taken this long for Ex to move forward with the paperwork. Anyway we talked pretty casually about what a putzy Ex was, and how he could see that day, that Ex wasn't exactly "Father of the Year" material. He also went on to tell me the whole time (at the last court hearing, when EX was demanding all sorts of stuff), Dingo was actually being super passive and saying things like, "what's the big deal, and why are you making such big deal out of this." Basically how Ex was walking all over her, and that she was someone who was taking everything he was giving her. I got a laugh out of that.

Anyway, the point of the phone call was to ask me what I wanted.

He told me that there is actually a paper where I can forgive the arrears, and he will terminate without having to pay them.

So there it is.

We can be done with all of this shortly.

I can release him for the money he owes . . . . and he can be free of being a father to my son.

I keep having mixed emotions about this.

A big huge part of me is doing cartwheels so excited at how easy it can be.

Part of me thinks it is so unfair that he just discharged thousands of dollars in bankruptcy, and now he's even getting to "discharge" his back child support.

And on top of everything else, he told me, that he "thought" my lawyer told him, that Ex told my lawyer back in Nov. that Dingo was pregnant.

I am going to suck it up and admit something that I don't want to admit.

That kind of hurts if it's true.

Because that seems mean, that he was willing to fight me, until he found out they were having a baby. And now, he is going to give another baby, everything he should have been giving to Doodle.

it's always mixed emotions I guess, I hope you all understand where I am coming from.

Facsimile

2008-02-21T13:48:00.004-06:00

Mr. Attorney:

I have received the papers to terminate my rights to Doodlebug. They
are signed and ready to be delivered to you. I have one concern that needs
to be addressed before we move forward.

As we discussed, the past due child support obligation needs to be
forgiven, whatever the amount is at the time of the termination. I have
been advised by other legal professionals that there is no way for you to
include that in this process since the AGs office is ultimately responsible for
collecting the money, and they do not waive past due obligations upon
termination. If my understanding of this is incorrect and you have made
arrangements for the amount to be forgiven directly with the AGs office, please
send me documentation to that effect that confirms their cooperation.

Otherwise, we need to make a side arrangement with Ms. Anabiosis regarding
this matter. My suggestion is for her to pay the past due support amount and of
course it will quickly be forwarded to her from the AGs office and she is out
the money only temporarily, but my account will be current and then after
terminated.

I am ready to move forward as long as the issue is resolved and I have
documentation from the AGs office attesting to the current account or their
cooperation in forgiving the amount.

Please let me know what else you may need from me.

Loser Ex

So, what do you think. After crying for a minute, I am ok. Granted I do not have the $4000+ to pay off his arrears, and wouldn't. Being that Ex is a underbellied snake in the grass, the moment I did, he would change his mind and come after doodlebug.

So as always, he won't do something unless it's his way. It isn't my fault that he owes the State of Texas. It isn't my fault, that they hold him responsible for his arrears. Nothing I can do about that. All I can do now is either wait for him to send the papers....or keep letting the arrears add up.

Right??

Gray Moods are not fun

2008-02-20T08:40:00.004-06:00

I guess my post yesterday put me in a gray mood. And then that just makes me angry, because I have every right to be elated and excited, and nothing but happy right now. And instead, creeping into my thoughts are still the mad wonderings of my thoughts..... Wondering what the hell is going on?

I feel like, Ex is doing some sort of "Pay Back is Hell" thing. During the summer of 2005, his emails (as well as one of hers, written so obviously by her from his email account) just got plain abusive, and on advice from my attorney, I stopped responding to them, so that Ex could go through my lawyer, and I would no longer have to keep up the emotional warfare.

Now here I am, with this door of what the hell is going on standing wide open. They say that Karma is a bus, and well, I feel as though it has made it's stop at my house too often.

Why is it that single moms(and some dads) get so much of the torture?

We get to raise children on our own. Which we all take on and proudly say, "Yes I am a single mom, I am doing it on my own." But privately (or on places like our blogs) talk about how hard it really is. We are the ones, who cry over our circumstances. We are the ones, whose lives change dramatically, we are the real every-single-day parents. We are the ones who get early wrinkles, and baggy eyes. We are the ones who struggling the dating pools of life. We are the ones who are weathered by single parenthood. We are the ones who also wear those badges of honor proudly (most of the time).

And yes I know, I am super guilty of causing alot of my pain by scoping her myspace page. I know I need to stop. But how do you stop thinking about what are they doing? When are they going to end all of this?

Am I really that stir crazy?!?!?!?

Or am I hanging onto something that has been a dominating force in my life for 4 years now, because without it I would be lost. Who I am, if I am not the single mom fighting for her child? Who am I, if I am not the mother promising to make sure that they know the rules? Who am I, If I am not the single mom, who has to take a stand and lay down the law, because I know Doodle, and I know what is right for him, so if you want to be part of his life, you have to go through me???

Does that make sense?

I am starting to wonder, if this bothers me, because I am feeling a loss of part of my identity. Now I am just sinking into a mundane life of normalness. Because I have been a lion for the last 4 years battling for the health of my unborn child, battling for the life of my child during a traumatic delivery. Battling for the rights of my baby, and toddler for a sense of security and comfort ever since.

And yes, I do realize that I am still that brave, strong mom, who will always fight for what I believe is best for my child, and I am just stating a fact:

That part of who I have been for the last few years is gone, and that is a great thing, and will be the best thing, once the papers have been signed.....but it is kind of a loss of identity, and maybe that is why I am having what I feel like, too much of a crisis over it.

I need to let go. I HAVE TO LET GO. How long does it really take? I guess there is no time limit. An emotional, mental, and pyschological healing has to happen, and I know that is different for everyone. I am wrong to speed it along. I guess somewhere, somehow, I need to learn to breathe, and take each moment, each day as it comes. And know that I will still have my gray days, but hopefully those will come less and less.

And today is one of those days. I am trying to avoid my boyfriend as much as possible, because I am just in a foul mood, and everything and everyone is pretty much getting to me. I know that this is about me, and no one else, so I am trying to keep the peace.

What do you do, to find your smile on days like this???

Long Weekend, but worth it.

2008-02-19T13:40:00.004-06:00

I finally got into my house! Yea! But then spent the whole weekend painting Doodlebugs room. I like to refer to the "Before" picture as "the green monster", as you can see.

This was previously a little boy's room, and for the life of me, after even seeing his room before I made my offer, I don't have a clue as to what they were thinking with this color.

Right after I had already made my registery for Doodlebug, I was walking in the mall one day, and stopped dead in my tracks. I had just found the perfect crib bedding (too late). Too late, and not to mention, it was from Pottery Barn, too expensive. But from Doodle's first Christmas, until now, I have been e-baying things from the set, and just finished last week. So with the new (full size) bedding, I went to work with the green monster, so that it would go well with the Aloha Little Surfer Boy bedding I bought him. This isn't a finished picture, but you'll get the idea. (The blocks are now painted white, with yellow inside, and I left the star brown so that it looks like a starfish)

We've now started in on the guest room, and there's a ton of work to be done, but I am so excited to start doing it.

My attorney faxed EX a letter, now 2 weeks ago, to remind him of his obligation to child support, as well as his agreement to terminate his paternal rights. No response. With my usual perusal of myspace however, I noticed Dingo's comment as,

"Dingo is still trying to take it all in...best Valentine's Day ever!!!"

I can't help but think for people who just filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, don't pay child support, nor sign papers.....she sure is happy. Grrr..... *stop looking - I know*

I can't help but think (and know) that she still looks at mine, and I look at her's and his. Does anyone else do this? Or am I the only one?

Stolen Thunder (This is long)

2008-02-13T08:49:00.009-06:00

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the biggest days of my life. Yesterday, I became a home owner, I closed on the house I purchased. I soley indebted myself to a mortage, and a home. I will finally get to move out of strangers garage. I will finally give my son his own room again. I will finally have a backyard again.

How exciting is all of that for anyone, much less a single mom, who has been through the throes of emotinoal and financial hell in the last few years?

But ya know, what my boyfriend did? He stole my thunder.

I have understood all along, that he has felt akward about me buying the house, but in my defense, he's know, at the very since this summer, that I was dead set on buying a house, instead of throwing what little money I have away on rent.

His position all along has been renting an apartment, as well as giving my dog to someone (family or friend) to take care of and keep until we bought a house in a year or more.

Well, I buffed up, found the house that we both fell in love with, and bought it. After he knew that I was seriously about to buy a house, he said, "If you need it to get the house, you can put me on the loan." Well, I didn't need it. Therefore, I did it myself. Plus, my history has taught me a valuable lesson. Make sure that Doodle and I are #1, and taken care of, that we have a place to lay our head at night. And #2, do NOT combine checking accounts, until you have legally changed your last name to his (which I have strong feeling about always keeping my maiden now, since Doodle shares it, another argument for another time - but you get what I am saying.)

All the people that are congratulating me are: His Dad, His Mom, His sister, His brother. They all knew I was buying the house. I was applying for the loan. I was committing myself to a mortage. I borrowed money from my family for the downpayment, and apprasial fee.

He makes the comment that bothers the hell out of me: "no not jealous @ all but would like to think i am contributing"

Well other than daydreaming/planning what all we want to do to the house, he hasn't. I take that back. He transferred his electricity to our new house. We are debating on wheter to use my dishnetwork ( I have tons of Doodle's cartoons recorded on my DVR-- hence my real reluctance, or his cable.

Ok, he finally sent me an instant message this morning, and I am torn between being upset, and firey mad.

<

Seriously,.....Is it THAT Fun.....

2008-02-11T13:18:00.000-06:00

To Torment me????

First of all, I didn't get to close on my house friday. My underwriter, was being "persnickety" as my loan officer says, and didn't get the paperwork over to the title company in time. Now, I should be closing tomorrow at lunch, they are meeting me here at my office.

Saturday, I failed my RN Test. Actually I made a "D", which is "failing"...and honestly I wouldn't want an RN who made D's taking care of me or my friends or family. So I am going to be busting hiney re-studying.....

And to top things off:

My attorney sent Ex a fax last week, to remind him of the termination papers, as well as the $4000 in arrears that he owes. He hasn't responded. My mind is reeling with the Why's.....

Why haven't you signed them yet?

Why haven't you paid Child Support?

Why are you doing this to me? Why do you still get pleasure from my pain?

UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I am so freaking frustrated I don't know what to do.

It is so hard to concentrate on whatever I'm doing, (or need to be doing) because I am daydreaming of the big "What If".

What If he(she) have changed their minds, and they are prepping to come back after my son?

How do YOU calm yourself down in these situations? What do you do to make yourself put topics to the back part of your brain, when other things really need to be at the forefront?!?!?!?

Exercise Challenged

2008-02-06T08:37:00.000-06:00

Ok. So, I have all the ambitions of working out again.

Before I moved here, I worked out often. That has been 6 months ago.

I am such a mid-morning person, my ideal work out time, but guess where I am? Work. I so desperately want to get back into a gym. I am trying to figure out where I can save money and afford a gym membership. I paid off my digital camera this weekend, so maybe in it's place, I can slide a gym membership. I just imagine how great I'll feel up on an eliptical machine, sweating, listening to the MP3 player I got for Christmas, and knowing I am doing something I love doing, exercising.

Lately, I've been terrible about eating. Before the tax return, we were literally just eating, everything I had left in the house. This week (and last) has been so busy, that I have developed a McDonalds sausage biscuit and hasbrown breakfast ($1.08 for each) for Doodlebug and I. I know I have to stop. But it's so easy. But I Have to stop. ahhhh.... I know I can do this.

Why is it, when You get out of the habit of eating right and exercising, that it feels like such a chore to get back on track??? I have to go grocery shopping today. I need a game plan before I go. My to do list today is study, and making a food list. I actually want to try to plan a menu of sorts. I am really good at keeping a schedule. What I am not so good at, is haphazardly doing things. I fiure if I plan each meal for Monday - Friday, I'll do much better.

Now, I just need to do some research on fun, tasty easy meals, that Doodle and I will both enjoy.

Ok, off to work for a bit, and study.

I'm sure I'll be back today.

Who I am, as of today

2008-02-05T08:21:00.000-06:00

I know that most bloggers, start their blogs, and tell who they are. I haven't done that yet. There is a reason, and for anyone who has read my blog in detail it's because I am waiting on Ex to sign termination of parental rights before I ever open my mouth again, explaining our history.

But for a quick synaposis:

We dated, we broke up. We got back together, we moved in together, we got engaged. He was a louse at taking care of "our" bills, and wasted money on strippers, alcohol, and things that shouldn't be snorted up your nose. We broke off the engagement, moved into seperate apartments. We dated and broke up again (several times), he moved to Dallas, and a few days later I found out I was pregnant.

I can't help but always think about one very strong statement, that always sticks in my head. The weekend, I went to stay with him (the first weekend of 2004)and tell him I was pregnant,he said something to break the final rose colored glass I was peeping through. The moment I was leaving that sunday, he said, "call me when you get home,.......so I can tell you what to do with the rest of your life." The rest of our 'relationship' was downhill from there.

By April, he agreed to terminate rights (when he met new girlfriend who would become his finace a month later, and his wife a year later on my birthday). We've battled in court numerous times. She stalked, and harrasssed me and my friends for months on end. He stopped paying child support and sporatically kept up with insurance.

We went back to court again November of 2007 and he has once again agreed to terminate his rights. I still haven't seen the papers.

As of today, I am still sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering, waiting, wishing he would hurry up and sign them, so I can have some closure. Praying, now that since all of his debts as filed in bankruptcy has been discharged, that he hasn't changed his mind about terminating.

I do however find joy in the fact that his wife is packing on puddly pounds, as seen on myspace, hehehe. It gave me great enjoyment to see her the last time we were in court. She looked as if she hadn't showered in 2 days. The dress she wore looked like it came out of RAVE, the store when I doubt anything is over $15. He used to call me cankles, (mind you I was a gymnast, a cheerleader from junior high-college), and when I saw how much weight she had put on, wide hips, and legs that were inseperable from her feet, I laughed. My 72 year old father even said, "Didn't she used to be a little bitty thing? God lord, look at the weight she's put on." And yes, on that one, I actually did LAUGH OUT LOUD.

Back in September of 2007, He (I assumed) was forced through the proceedings to file the last 2 years of income tax. I always figured he didn't, so it wouldn't come to me. The government, stepped in and seized the $2671 return, and put it into my child support account since he was over $7000 in arrears. The bad part was however, since he filed jointly with Dingo, it had to sit in that account for 120 days. Yesterday, it was deposited into my bank account. $2671 is a lot of money for me. I'm thinking day care, pay for 2 more RN tests,..... and you should see the Chesire Cat smile on my face.

Today is also working on toward a really big day. It is T minus (counting today) 4 days until Friday. Friday is the dream I haven't told you guys about. Friday, I am closing on my first house.

I bought a house.

Can you believe that????

I have worked hard to keep up with my bills for the last few years, and raise my credit score. I borrowed $500 from my dad, and $500 from my brother (to be paid back from my tax return this year:) )and put $1000 down for a house that was listed at $89,9000. Built in 1953, remodeled from the studs up, leaving on the original hard wood floors. Come Friday, I will be the proud owner of a 3 bedroom, 1 bath home. A home that belongs to me, and Doodlebug, and dog. Boyfriend is moving in with us, and I am excited about that.

But all of this always leads me back to EX. After Friday, once all the craziness has died down, I will be calling my attorney to ask him to do something about the termination stuff. Call Ex, do something.

Am I wrong to be wanting to be proactive in this. Half my mind is telling me don't put my hand in the ant hill. The other part of me is saying get this over with. Get the final touches of closure in your life.

If you are reading this, what would you do if you were in my situation?????

And Sometimes It just SLAMS you. . . .

2008-01-31T16:06:00.000-06:00

There are so many things that I worry about when it concerns Ex. Some of it I could and would consider normal. Like the pending termination papers, or wondering now since his bankruptcy is now discharged, will that give him a second wind for him to change his mind, and come back after Doodlebug????????

Then every once in a while, a memory creeps into my mind, and just plays tricks on me. And I have to remind myself that I probably watch too much CourtTV
. But what keeps randomly creeping into my mind, is the very first (Dec. 2004) visit we had at the Attorney General's office, in which our case worker, was kind of going over the rules of what Ex was to provide. At this time, she mentioned something about insurance, and I remember him saying something to the effect of:

"Oh, yeah, I figured that, I'll have to have him added, and I've got a half million life insurace policy..." now this is where my memory fades because I can't remember if he said, "for him" meaning, in case something should happen to Ex, Doodlebug would stand to receive half a million,...or if he said, "on him". I question that because, I know that EX had one out ON ME when we were engaged.

This is one of those explosive thoughts you try to push out of your head, but it comes back all the time.

I keep thinking, what a perfect motive, or alibi for him, should something ever happen to Doodlebug. He could always rely on, "hey I never even saw the kid." "I was in the process of terminating my rights,...I forgot about the policy"....

Like I said, I probably watch too much TV, but when my tires or brakes make a funny noise, I become extremely aware of my environment. I am scared. Which is something I am realizing today.

Do I think EX could be capable? I do.

When he first filed bankruptcy, he file for around $457,000 in debt. He supposedly broke. A $500,000 life insurance policy could come in handy.

I know I shouldn't worry about this. And I have told few enough friends, should anything ever happen, look there first, and why.

But the reason I write about this is because, how do you make your self not worry about such things?

Someone, anyone please write me and tell me I am being irrationale. Please tell me that I really have nothing to worry about. . . .

Just Breathe

2008-01-31T13:43:00.000-06:00

aaahhhh..... just when things look bad....something happens and it looks so good.

I got paid yesterday, and usually my direct deposit hits before our checks get into our hands. So, with check in hand, I called the Daycare and told them it was ok to go ahead and cash the daycare check they were holding.

When I got home last night, I checked my mail. I had a check from my bank for a little over $44!!! I guess we get rapid rewards points, 10 cents on the dollar for what you spend on your debit card. Well, they sent me my check. I was so excited until this morning. My direct deposit didn't go in until last night.....after both checks went through. I got a $60 debit adjustment. That is an entire tank of gas, so there went my $44 of "free" money.

Oh well right? Something like don't sweat the small stuff huh?

Still no child support. Still no termination papers.

Wanna hear how crazy my mind works? Sometimes, when I am overpretending, that "the others" and their constant irresponsibilty aren't bothering me, my mind reminds me that they are, and I end up with some stupid dream.

Last night I dream Ex shut down his company website because I looked at it.

How silly is that right?

Here is what I struggle with every day:

Why do I still care? Someone mentioned in one of my comments, something about a sense of injustice, and maybe that is it.

Now, it looks like the physician I am working for, my be persuing to relocate his practice again, which means, I may need to seek another job. And right now, just isn't the time for that.

Makes me wonder sometimes, when will my plate be less full.

I have another RN test next weekend. I hope I pass it. I should really be studying and reading righ now, but I actually multi-tasking: typing this, catching up on season 3 of Lost since it comes back on tonight, and reading during the breaks. We had surgeries scheduled this morning, and no patients scheduled for the afternoon, which in turn, makes for a very, very long day.

But I did attend some random luncheon about the construction at the hospital, and got a free lunch-chicken salad sandwich, potatoe salad, and fresh fruit. So when I left, I grabbed 2 more, so Doodlebug and I can eat them for dinner. I feel like a cheap, but free yummy food, is free yummy food, right?

Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I just stare at Doodlebug. It's one of the most peaceful moments of my day. Watching him sleep, so peacefully, blankie clutched tight, not a worry on his mind. I did that this morning, probably a little too long, but that's ok. He's just an angel, and I treasure these moments.

Like I mentioned earlier, I got paid today, and the funny thing is, I have already paid most of my bills due, and I think once they are all said and over with, I'll have a little over $100 for groceries and gas, until the 15th. Good Lord knows, I am thankful, he has taught me how to make a penny stretch.

I do have some exciting news though, I have been holding it back from here, because it still feels like a dream, and I don't want to risk waking up. But next saturday, should it truly be a reality, I will be singing from the rooftops!

he he he,....how's that for leaving ya hanging ;)

I feel like crying

2008-01-29T16:38:00.000-06:00

I just looked at my Pacer account.

Ex and Dingo, have had their bankruptcy discharged.

So, for the last 4 years, they have been playing, partying, vacationing, running up credit cards, having a ball,....and now, all that debt, gets swept under a table. Given up to our consumer debt. No wonder, our economy is in the state that it is.

I feel like crying, because all the while they have been racking up this debt, I have been struggling to survive.

All this time, they were vacationing in places like Mexico, Vegas, Hondurus, I was crying over figuring out how to pay my bills, how to be a parent, how to raise a child on my own.

I am so angry right now.

Did I mention that they spent $219,900 on a house. Then sank $98,000 in it to remodel it?? Then turned around after he had child support lowered because he couldn't afford it, and bought a second rent house that was over $200,000????

Did I mention, that at the court hearing in November, I agreed to lower child support again, before he decided to terminate?

Did I mention that if he had paid the amount of lowered child support I agreed to until Doodlebug turned 18, that would have been in the ball park of $88,000.

That is less that the amount of money he paid to remodel that sh!thole house of his.

Ok...so now I am crying and I can't finish this, I'm sorry.

WHO ARE YOU? ? ? ?

2008-01-29T11:48:00.000-06:00

So just out of curoristy, I am curious as to who is reading my blog.

I sent it out to maybe 5 or 6 people. One of them suggested getting a Stat counter. I've been trying to figure it out lately, and WOW! look at all the people from so many different places!

I am humbled that anyone, would be interested in my little blog.

Would you do me a favor??

Would you leave me a comment, and tell me how you found me? I would love love love to know what you guys think about my blog. Have any advice on anything, I'm dying to know!

The Never Ending Story

2008-01-29T09:16:00.000-06:00

That subject alone, can spur about 10 different "bloggable" subjects in my head, and probably will before the day is over, but I'll start with the one that it is truly meant for.

There are certain movies, that I remember watching as a kid, that I will always think of as "the classics". The Last Unicorn - the cartoon (people always ask if Tom Cruise was in it, and I have no idea what they are talking about), The Dark Crystal, and The Never Ending Story, were the most rememberable for me.

For some reason, The Never Ending Story has been on my mind, and boyfriend bought it for Doodlebug *wink* (and me) this weekend. It was a HUGE success! Doodlebug just loved it! I have seen it I think probably 5 times now, but I'm not com planing because that means, we aren't watching Cars. It's funny, because, when you watch something as a kid, then see it again as an adult, of course it isn't the same. But, when I was watching my son watch it, I could see myself so many years ago, consumed by the Rock Bitter, the racing Snail, the Empress that every little girl wanted to be with the hangy-downy pearl thing on your forehead. Anyway, it has been nothing but fun to watch it with him, and I have so far enjoyed all 5 times. Sometimes, I think that the best thing about having a child, is getting to act like a kid again, except knowing how to really enjoy it this time!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now, for other things that can relate to the title:

My last court date was November 20, 2007. Seventy days later, I still do not have termination papers. I still have no child support. Last night on the news, there was a story about how apparently alot of deadbeat dads were rounded up and taken to jail. http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=5918568 and I can't help but think:

Why can't anything happen to Doodle' bio.?? He has several websites dedicated to his "oh-so-profitable" business. and boasts of how much money that said business has made, yet is in personal bankruptcy, because he wants to keep his business's name out of the bankruptcy case. Has recently had a civil court case filed against his company, and then changed the company's name.

I have glanced at the new company website from time to time, and can't help but giggle. He is a 34 year old boy, whom when we split, was still attending fraternity parties on a more than "normal" basis. As a matter of fact, when I first googled their address, I found out that he has a non-profit organization set up at his home for his fraternity, as well as noticing that he has the Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission as a creditor on his bankruptcy papers, coincidence?? But what I find funny about his company website is two-fold: the front is a book, with what looks like a crest (for a fraternity), and the last part is even funnier to me. When Larry and I began dating, he had just broken up with cocaine girlfriend, they liked to 'party' together, alot. Anyway, she had made the comment to him once "The 80s called, they want their bomber jacket back." He had told me this, and he just thought it was the funniest thing. I never said anything, as not to spoil what he thought was an original quip. However, on his professional business website, it says, and I am not lying,

"The 70s called, they want their aluminum siding back!"

I just about died when I saw that. Who in the world would write something like that? My ex and his dingo wife. So for reasons like that I laugh. But for people who boast to the world how fabulous their company is, why not pay child support? Why not sign the papers? If need be, I'll drive there with black pen in hand, and pay for the notary.

I guess I am talking about this, because I feel like until something is done, I just don't have closure. Everyone I know, keeps telling me to stop thinking about it, because all it does is drive me crazy. How do you stop thinking about it?

I worry from time to time, that she or he, will stumble across my blog. I know that they will know, who I am immediately, but I guess that is a risk I take.

Quote from a Good Friend

2008-01-24T14:23:00.000-06:00

I love great quotes. As a matter of fact, some of my favorites are on my myspace page.

But today, a great friend of mine, one whom I met on the internet, via singlemomz, one who knows my story from the day I was scared to death looking for answers when I found them, to my ex coming back into the picture, dragging his new fiance, to all the court battles, to this very day.

As we were speaking of various things, she said:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, and the strength to wack the people that piss me off."

She is from the New Jersey area....and the word "wack" cracks me up, but so does the whole idea of this quote...

which is why I put here for all of you to enjoy as well....

Lord I love her, I needed this smile and laugh today!

The Most Mature Relationship I've Ever Had

2008-01-24T11:32:00.000-06:00

Is with the wife/widow of a man I dated while he was married to her. Bet that caught your attention. But it's true. She and I had a lunch date yesterday, and every time I am around her, I can't help but think, "Man, for once, two women did it right."

After having doodlebug, I moved back to Southeast Texas to be close to my parents and siblings, from Austin. I loved the city, everything about that one in particular, and hometown was somewhere I vowed to leave at 18 and never return, and so far, hadn't.

The dating pool at home, was shallow, not much to catch. So, my cousin, who is more like a sister to me, started out on a set-me-up-with-someone rampage.

I got a call from a man whom I will call Billy. billy was a divorcee, with a daughter, and twin boys. He was also out of a fresh annulment. Seems marriage number two was doomed from the honeymoon, and they decided to get out quick. My cousin's friend did the sale article for his company, gave him my number, story, and he called.

At this point, I knew my ex was already married to psycho-wife, and they had been giving me hell, and I couldn't help but think, why not? Besides, he said, he and the children's mother and stepfather had an amicable situation, and I thought, could if not anything, be a great tool for lesson to be learned.

We went on a few dates, and I like him. He didn't fall into my normal category of physical attributes, that I normally go for, but I thought, my "normal" hasn't worked out in the past. The more we dated, and, the more we liked each other.

Then it happened.

Wife #2, the one he had gotten an annulment from, went through his online cell phone history and found my number. He warned me about her. That she was just a mean, vindictive person, and would probably do or say something to hurt me.

Well, late one night, once I was already in bed, I got a phone call, and I knew immediately it was "her". No one in this area code knew my phone number, and I didn't recognize who was calling me, it had to be her. And it was. And I answered it.

Here's is how the opening of the conversation went:

"hello"

"Is this Anabiosis?"

"yes"

"Hi, this is Sass-a-frass, Billy's wife"

"wife? May be news to some folks, he told me you two had had an annulment."

"He... a WHAT?!?!?"

Well the conversation didn't last long, I wasn't in the mood for some hell bent ex to try to attempt to "put me in my place." So, I just told her to take whatever up with Billy.

The next morning, she even emailed me, a few times. I called Billy, asked to remind ex, to leave me out of their spats. She then text messaged me, and I had had enough. After all, been there and done that with Larry's cocaine addicted ex-girlfriend. Sassafrass had no idea, if she wanted to play a game, she'd better have her big girl panties on. So I emailed her back, a snotty little email, and just requested her to no longer, call me, text message me, nor email me. Forget my name, numbers and email address. I also attached a tag on the email so that I would know when she read it.

About two weeks later, after Billy and I decided we fell in love. I got the email, where she had read my email. I called Billy at work to let him know, that a big storm may be brewing, and to hunker down. All was fine the rest of the day. Until that evening. This was 2 days before New Year's Eve. We had spent the Christmas together, where we first said , "I think I love you".

We usually would IM each other during the evening, while his kids were running around the house, and mine was toddling and crawling around. What was surprisingly different was, he was super short, non-chalent, and just very un-attached.

Well, guess who's gut kicked into HIGH GEAR??

So, I called, and his manner on the phone immediately let me know, SHE was THERE. So, I boldly said, "billy? is she there" His answer was brimming around who, and no, when she boldly said, "you better tell her I am here!"

Oh What a Night.

It was the usual, have you told her the truth about us, him lieing to her, in my ear, and finally me saying, "PUT HER ON THE PHONE NOW!" Being that she was shoulder to shoulder to him, she grabbed the phone.

This was a turning point for us.

We were both mad, angry and fuming, but this is where this story has a twist. We were mad, angry and fuming.... AT THE RIGHT PERSON,. . . . . HIM.

Needless to say, Larry taught me something, always have proof. Seems Billy and Sassafrass, were still married, there was NEVER an annulment, they had separated because he hit her (well head-butted to be exact) one night, and she left. That was about a week and a half before I met him. And, he had been trying to woo her back ever since. So, he had told her we were only friends. My rebuttal to this was of course, well darling, I do have your email address, be sure to check it first thing in the morning, because I have an IM archive of messages, and I will send you every-single-one. And I did. Her response, and you could actually hear the smile in her voice as well as the evil smirk, "Billy, I believe you just F*cked up with this one. She's pretty damn smart".

The next day, I was sick to my stomach. He tried to IM me several times apologising at her ruthless plots to ruin his life. Me, I took 3 showers that day to wash what I felt like filth off of me. I had to be at work at 6 pm. I received a call from Sassafrass oh around 5. She thanked me for the IM's, there was some small talk, and then she said,:

"Do you think you can find a babysitter tonight, and meet me for a drink?"

my reply:

"I thought you would never ask."

I walked into work, told them I was leaving, had some personal issues to tend to, called my niece, and got ready for my date with my boyfriend's wife.

Some of my friends warned me not to go, that this was a set-up for her and her friends to beat me up...but there was something about her voice that night and next day, I knew she wasn't like that.

I couldn't decide what to wear, I didn't want to look like the hooch, that any women feels like when she realizes she's been dating another woman's husband. So I decided on cute jeans, heals, and a fitted white shirt. Not too much, not too little. We met in the parking lot of one our more trendy bars, and when I saw her, my jaw literally dropped. She wasn't the frumpy, mean, hometown girl I was expecting at all. She was small, blonde, gorgeous blue eyes, and big boobs, I know that because she dressed to impress me, just like I dressed to unimpress her. We met with a big smile, a huge hug, and glad to finally met you!!!

We went into the bar, got a table, ordered food neither of us really touched, and a bucket of beer. She pulled out emails, pictures, etc (she had already seen everything I had). We sat, drank, laughed, and thought it would be funny to start sending Billy text messages, with the same little phrases he so often sent to the both of us, "Miss you", "Can't stop thinking about you", "can't get you off my mind", ect,....the funny thing was, he had NO IDEA that although we were both randomly sending these text messages, that we were sending them from the same table. He had no idea that we had planned to meet.

As the beer rolled on, many a man, came up to our table and would often say something like, "Why are two such beautiful women, sitting here by themselves in such a deep conversation?? It's happy our ladies". Finally, I looked at her, after this tirade, and an introduction from one gentlemen who had just came from a table of men, and I smirked looked at her and said, "Should I, or shall you?" She said, "oh no, you go ahead, be my guest."

I said, "HI, my name is Anabiosis, and this pretty lady in front of me, seems to be my boyfriends wife."

I think he forgot to breathe as he glanced from her to me, and back, and he finally said, "No way." She then said, "Yes, she is my husband's girlfriend". At this point, I felt the need to correct her, "Mistress, sounds so much cooler though dont you think?"

The man stumbled back to his table in utter disbelief, as we clicked yet another beer bottle and laughed our way through more conversation. That bit of information, flew through the bar like a wild fire. Needless to say, our food, our beer tab, shots, everything was paid for by the all the confused people in the bar, either in a congratulations for doing the impossible, or waiting for one hell of a cat fight.

After a few rounds of what we thought were funny text messages, and a few rounds of beer, we thought, to top the night off, how hilarious would it be, to send him, a picture text of the two of us hanging out at the bar together, and we did, it read, "We can't seem to stop talking about you."

New Year's Eve, we were both dateless, and she came over to hang out for a little while. I had made new plans with friends of mine, she with hers, except hers were all happy couples. I knew she would regret that, and invited her out with us, which she politely declined. I reminded her to call me when she couldn't stand it any longer, and by 1030, she met me and my friends downtown. Funny thing was we ran into some of the guys from the bar, who shouted, "Holy $hit, they are still hanging out together, what an unfortunate $@#@#$$#" She and I, stayed out until 5 am that morning. We had a blast. I had found a friend, someone I really connected with, and was so excited, until about a week and a half later.

Billy IM'd me to see how I was doing, and eventually let me know, that he and Sassafrass were going to work it out. I immediately called her. She said, "I took vows, I feel strongly about that, I have to try at least once. And honestly after meeting you and getting to you know you, I can't blame him for dating and loving you, I would & do too."

I told her that I would always be her friend, and that of course I was even more mad at Billy now for taking my new best friend away, and that if she ever needed ANYTHING to call me. We kept in touch with text messages or IM's here or there. I finally told her, I think for you and Billy to really give it a fighting chance, I have to go. She said ok, and we didn't talk for a few months.

Not long after I met boyfriend, I was going to go visit him, when I got a call from my mother. It was a friday, and I was getting ready to leave for Houston. I answered the phone, and she said, "Billy?" I said, .... "yes". She said, "Billy Highhorse?" I said, "yes, mother". "three kids,.." "yes mother! What?", so annoyed. She finally said, Ana, he died on tuesday, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I don't even know if I had the respect to say anything to her before I hung up on her and immediately called Sassafrass.

She answered the phone, obviously crying and said, "I've picked up the phone and dialed your number so many times now, I just didn't know if you would come."

I asked her where she was, and told her I would be right there.

I called boyfriend, told him the story, and that I would be late, I had to drive two towns over, out of my way to go see her.

I don't do funerals, but I went to the funeral home to see her. She met me out in the lobby, we hugged and cried, and hugged some more. Her best friend, walked out and said, "It's always amazing how that asshole always brings the two of you together."

Then we all laughed and sat down and just talked for awhile. She asked me if I wanted to come in and see him, which I didn't. The last memory I had of him was leaving my house for work, the day everything went down.

Since then, she and I are the greatest of friends. We hang out, we talk, she'll be a bridesmaid in my wedding (should I ever have one), I would trust her with doodlebugs life. And we've already plotted that if boyfriend and I break up, she and I are gonna move to Austin together, and man hunt.

She was in town for a concert night before last, and she came to my job, and we had lunch together.

She's fun. We were brought together by a not too unusual circumstance, but for the first time that I know of in history, we were both on the same team: Team Woman. We placed blame where blame was due. We didn't hold grudges against each other for having the same taste in things, or falling for the same guy. I did nothing wrong, nor did she, and because we were both mature enough to handle that, we found something better, a real true, mature, friendship.

What a Messy Day, but I have to laugh still

2008-01-24T08:06:00.000-06:00

Let's Play a game. Game is called, What could YOU do with $0.65 ????

Yeppers, that is exactly why I was laughing. I checked my online banking activity this morning, one of my habits, and this is what I found:

Savings: $0.00
Checking: $0.65

Why am I laughing? Why not? I don't get paid again until the 31st of this month, I have a full tank of gas, I have bought groceries, my bills are paid for the month, and that is what is left over. . . . .

I have survived another month, without the $750 a month child support I am suppose to be getting. I have survived another month, waiting on termination papers, that have apparently taken the Pony Express to get returned to my attorney's mailbox.

Good news is, I have a super secret savings account, that is not connected to my checking, that I have stashed money away in, for JustInCase/Doodlebug college.

ahhhh.... God I have to love my life, or I would be miserable every single day.

But I am constantly wheeling, and dealing with the ordeals in my life.

I getting good at being embarrassed, and feeling pathetic. I am actually getting better (not good) but better at swallowing my pride, and asking for help.

Doodlebug's daycare is $175 a week. I love his daycare. I do. He loves it. He talks about one of his teachers ALL-THE-TIME. It broke my heart when I went to put his name on a waiting list for another cheaper school, but I just couldn't afford his school anymore. Out of what I thought was appropriate, I wrote the owner of his current school, to let them know, as soon as there was an availability, Doodlebug would be attending somewhere else. Well, the owner wanted to have a chat. So with a ball of emotion in my throat, I told her what had happened. At the beginning of when Doodlebug got into this school, Monies were actually being seized from bio. and I was getting enough child support to pay his tuition (I had actually taken 3k I got and put it all toward the sememster of school), and I figured after our upcoming court hearing, something would be done to make it regular again. But as you all know, he decided to terminate instead. So, I just couldn't afford his school on my own anymore. Well, the owner asked me if I knew CPR, and being a nurse, of course I did. So we have instead worked out a plan. I will take a CPR instructor course ($98), and teach her 42 teachers, and keep their CPR license current. In return, she is charging me $100 a week in day care, saving me tons of money, and at about $50 a teacher, I'm saving her too.

Whew.... one less thing to worry about! Yea! Just another step of stability for Doodlebug. I am proud of that. Boyfriend even said, he would take the course with me, and help at the daycare.

I have learned in my what feels like infinite experience as a single mom, you have to be so thankful and grateful for even the little things in life, and this to me, with my 65cents, is HUGE!

Boyfriend and I, had a breakthrough last night, and I finally got a glimpse of reasoning for why he has been acting the way he has for awhile, and I had assumed if for awhile, but I got the confirmation last night. <~ I will explain all later, in due time, but time is not right, just yet.

It is raining, and dreary here, as it has been for days..... it feels like the weather has no end in sight. This weather, adds to my state of perpetual melancholy lately for sure. I so desperately want to be outside walking on my lunch break. I am miserable sitting here all day. My body is screaming for exercise, but I can't actually get a gym membership for 65 cents. And I most definitely can't afford another bout of the sickness I've just gotten over. So here I am, thinking of all the things I want to write, but wonder if anyone is really interested in reading.

So, I am going to go fix some hot tea. I have found, being a "Southerner" that I just prefer sweet iced tea, to any. However, I recently discovered Mandarin Orange Spice tea, and I love it! So off for now, Tea time!

Betrayal, it's a funny thing.

2008-01-23T08:17:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time, I was a member of a online parenting group. It started out as a group for single mothers, however, there was a dad in the group, and I found his point of view enlightening most days. He and I actually became "friends".

However, like the saying goes, "all good things come to an end"....and it did. The single mothers website shut down, and "dad" started another one, and we all followed. This online community was a 'family' of sorts. They helped me through my pregnancy. They were there when I got the first letter from Doodlebugs dad, and started to see the Texas OAG. It was at this time, that "dad" turned against me. He thought what the Attorney General handed out as a ruling in our case was unfair to bio. Anyway, to make a long story short, he used me to get real names, and tracked bio down, along with psycho-fiance at the time, and had them come to his website to stalk me, what I was doing, and what I was saying. The original single moms website went back up, and he even lead them there to view my emotional posts during my pregnancy.

Anyway, to make a long story short this "dad" was hellbent to be our "moderator" and be the peace maker. What happened instead was: Everyone left his sight. The betrayal to me was unbearable. The moms made another site, and included a very "private" room for me. Psycho-wife soon followed, and assumed multiple personalities to try to get in on what I was posting, talking about, pictures of doodlebug, stealing anything she could get her hands on, including pictures of doodlebug from my myspace page, which caused me to make it private, and it still is. She harassed women globally. She finally on prompting, became a member of a website for stepmothers and blended family's, and I was quite happy for her. However, she started posting the most absurd and insane things there, causing members who were members of both sights, to show me how crazy she was. Which normally concerned me for not only myself, but for the person my son should have to spend time with. I saw that either he was lying to her and she believed every word of it, or she was as bad if not worse than him. It was useful, and heartaching at the same time. I got to see women who didn't know me, or the truth of our situation giving out bad advice because they were not told the truth. I got to see women rip me apart because of the way I was painted. It was very hurtful. More than I ever let on.

In the process of this, a "moderator" befriend her, and started getting personal messages from her, and she in turn, shared them with us. Which was great for me, in some ways, because sometimes, I actually felt for her. I felt sorry for her, that she was in a place that I knew too well. But then reality set in, and realized that the two of them, really were meant for each other. She was as bad as him, and honestly sometimes, I think worse.

However, somewhere along the line, I started suspecting another "snitch" in my vent room. Funny little coincidences started popping up. Everyone tried to attribute it to psycho wife playing head games as normal. After awhile, I finally trusted my gut reaction, and most stopped venting in my private room at my support group for mother's online.

Then....they started filing bankruptcy, and I needed some advice from the only people I previously trusted and went back to get it. I started feeling more and more comfortable.

Then I decided to do something. There had been a post from about a year previous when we all suspected that the "others" had separated. Other moms had kept tabs on pyschowife's myspace page. When I say she pissed people off globally I meant it, and they like any other mom, kept tabs. Anyway, among my investigating early this year, I found a link, to a website, that was public, and found interesting pictures, to corroborate our theories of the separation. I kept the pictures for months.

Well, not too long ago, I decided to start getting rid of everything, assuming that the termination papers were well on their way, and after much thought, there wasn't anything I needed or could prove with the pictures other than, bio was still a cad, and psycho wife really did party....ALOT. Big deal, I already knew that.

So...I decided to update the post from so long ago with the pictures...and guess what happened. My snitch came out, obviously told psycho-wife, who must have told friend, who was the 'owner' of the link where I found the pictures (which has never been private) and now is private. Along with different tags on her myspace page that talk about Internet stalkers, which is so hypocritical of her.

My point is: someone, again, online, has betrayed me. In a place that was basically created for me. I am angry about it. They whoever they are, know what the first situation did for our ugly mess before. Why keep it going? Why feel the need to befriend people who, never do anything to see or take care of his child? Why do a favor for someone who would rather pay bar tabs, or buy pink and brown golf clubs, than insure that their child has warm clothes to wear or food to eat?

What I wish more than anything, is for this coward to creep out of the shadows from which they have been lurking, and fess up. It's over. I know you are there. I will no longer post anything that has to do with my personal life, or if I do, it will be something I would like to be taken to the other's since that is what you do best.

I hope that this person feels as though they have done something that is positive in the life of my child, otherwise, why bother?

I ask myself, what have I done so wrong, to betrayed like this over and over? What is your problem with me? I think you know, after the years of emotional turmoil, what I have been through, why do you feel the need to add to the pot?

It Catches Up on You

2008-01-21T15:34:00.000-06:00

The funny thing about sleep. I love it. I don't get enough of it. When I do sleep, I have either a 3 year old doodlebug, or 6.5 year old pup climbing in and out of my bed, waking me through the night, or I just have too much on my mind, that wakes me up.

So sleep isn't something I get alot of "great" of.

Funny thing about it is though, if you don't catch up on your sleep, it will catch up on you.

Saturday I had a fun filled day, of looking at a house for Doodlebug, boyfriend and I. We then had a massive Chinese/sushi buffet lunch, and I had a large nap. Something I do don't . I can't sleep at night much less the day time.

Saturday night was the most fun I have had in a loooong time. Doodlebug loves monster trucks, so with my first pay-check of 2008, I decided to buy us all tickets to the Monster Jam Thrill Show. Holy cow, we had such a good time. We definitely found our inner red-necks!

These were our two favorites: The Grave Digger, who wound up in the crowd! And Doodlebug's fav. the teenage mutant ninja turtle

Anyway, we had such a great time!

I came home, we spent the night at boyfriends house, and everyone passed out from our night of excitement. And then the weirdest thing happened. I slept until 9:30 in the morning, with only minimal interruption *wink*.....

Sunday was a fun day of eating like fat hill-billy's at Golden Corral, where to my major embarrassment I dropped my entire plate of food everywhere. It is hard to balance your plate and your childs, especially when your hands are shaking.

As for that I have no idea why they have been shaking all weekend. They were shaking really bad saturday also when we sat down to eat. Boyfriend thinks it has something to do with my blood sugar. I have had small issues in the past with low blood sugars. I think it all boils down to nerves. I am worried about getting a new house for me and the doodlebug, the termination papers, etc.

Anyway, we came back to boyfriends house after lunch and shoe shopping for the boys, and there I went again...down for the count, slept until a little after 4. Felt like I could have stayed asleep.

Aahhh, sleep. What a divine invention. Should get more of it!

Red Velvet Cake

2008-01-17T13:59:00.000-06:00

Ok, so like since what feels like the beginning of time, I have felt a little over weight. Not obese, but just a little chubby.

This is going to be one of those kind of go-no-where posts because, I just don't have much to say today except, I am so tired or worrying about what I am eating, or how I look, but I'll keep doing it because, well by now, it's just habit, and society keeps telling us to be skinny.

The funny thing I kept thinking today was...man, the Greeks must have had it right. All I can remember is statues and pictures of art where the women, were WOMEN. They had hips, and thighs, and normal boobs, and bellys even, and they were still beautiful.

So I started looking for pictures on the internet to day and found this one:

and I can't help but think: Now THAT is what I am talking about! She looks healthy, like your everyday woman. Some 'soft-stuff' in all the places we all have it, and super-strong sexy guy, looks like he's all over himself looking at her.

As I keep looking, I found one of a single mom fighting her everyday battles:

With the exception of course that we aren't playing with our boobs when we are doing it, nor are we naked but, that isn't the point of my pondering today.

My point is this:

When do we get to start just being happy with ourselves and our bodies?

When do we start viewing ourselves like this? We are pieces of art. Granted some of us no longer feel like porcelain dolls, but more like the She-ra we have grown into, but when does it start???

I weigh myself every single day. I do. Today I weighed 135.5lbs. I am 5'3". Yesterday I weighed 136. So what did I do with my 5 oz victory? I went over to the hospital cafeteria to look for desert! I found the most beautiful red velvet cake, and was so excited, I practically skipped back to the office in anticipation of eating it! As soon as I got here, I thought, hmmm I'm going to go head and even drink a real coke too. I had eat a 200+ cal tuna package, and felt like I deserved all of this, Yea!!!

And like most things in life, I was let down. Not only was the cake the biggest disappointment, I knew I could at least turn to my bubbly tasty beverage to pick me up where I needed it, and you would so know it. . . . It was flat.

So it is days like this when I have to just laugh.

Laugh because, no matter, how much my body has changed in the last decade (I'm also 29 years old), it is never, going to be what I picture as ideal.

It was just a few years ago, we were ALL salivating of Ms. Britney Spears body:

To have known then, to have that body, I would have to have the life she has now.... give me my pudgy ANY day, EVERY DAY!

This is me, of course I cut my head of for identity reasons, but this will give you an idea of me.

Not so bad I know, but it's enough to make ya wanna scream. How they have shows like "The Biggest Loser"...but nothing called, "Those last 10 pounds", because which is really harder to lose??

I know I shouldn't be complaining, giving the fact that I sit on my rump most days, but where can I find MORE time in my day to really do something about it???

How can I find the energy to do somthing about it?

Just random thoughts for the day...back to work!

I ALMOST got excited this morning

2008-01-16T08:24:00.000-06:00

Last year, in August I believe, my ex FINALLY had to file taxes, since he and wifey filed bankruptcy. I had had the feeling for a long time, that he didn't, to keep me from getting it, and was pretty much right.

Anyway, he finally did, and of course the attorney general, snatched it up. Bad news is, since it was filed with crazy girl, you have to wait something like 120 days in order to get it. Well that time is almost up, and I am waiting with open arms to receive the over $2000 for much needed things in my and Doodlebugs immediate future.

This morning, the thought hit me, wait a minute, he's going to have to file again, surely bankruptcy trustee's will enforce a quick filing to help with their indebtedness. I got so excited thinking, "Wow, hopefully we'll see a little more, since he is still behind thousands of dollars in arrears, and he hasn't signed the termination papers yet, so YEA!"

But then, it took the level-head of boyfriend to remind me, "You know he has until April 15, then knowing him, he will ask for an extension..." And he was right, I am sure the thought of sending me anymore of "his' precious money, will hurry up the John Hancock process.

But then I will just smile because, if I really think about it, it is a win-win situation for me right?

Like A Pumpkin At Midnight. . . .

2008-01-15T08:58:00.000-06:00

I saw my toddler turn into a little boy yesterday evening.

It was the strangest moment for me, he was laughing at his own joke, and I was smiling and laughing too, I glanced down and in an instant, poof, there it was, the smallest of transformations. But on second thought, and after looking at photos saved on my computer, I guess it wasn't so quick and small afterall.....

(I didn't even take a picture last night...but I will later to add.)

I looked at him, just to enjoy the sight of him, the sound of his laughter that so often brightens up my day, and I noticed it. Standing before me was a little boy. A little boy with an angular jaw line and chin. Gone were the little fat pads, that so delicately form the face of toddlers with chubby cheeks that you want to pinch.

Not long after that I found myself crying in the shower, as the thought passed my mind:

Babies aren't forever.

My baby, my son, my little boy. One day he'll be a man. I can't even process that thought right now.

As a single pregnant woman, everything that consumes you is raising a baby, on your own. Babies are alot of work. Babies need you all the time, toddlers need to be protected from falls and tumbles, children need to be taught and cared for, all the while you never really think: the beginning of one phase is the end of the last, never to be seen again with that child. Kind of sad when you think about it huh?

Doodlebug no longer has that new Johnson & Johnson baby scent, no longer has smooth baby skin. It's gone, replaced by little sweaty boy, with bumps, and bruised and scrathes of a little Huck Fin, who always on his own new adventure. Don't get me wrong, I love that smell too, but when faced with the reality that my baby is gone, it makes me sentimental and sad.

So what did I do. Dug out the Johnson & Johnson baby wash for his bath last night, and snuggled up as tight as I could when we cuddled on the couch before bedtime.

You know, you are thinking about doing it too ;)

The Sins of Our Fathers (&Mothers)

2008-01-14T08:40:00.000-06:00

Started this last night on paper at home... will have to come back to it and edit because of some things that happened this morning....

OK, let's start over.

It's happened more than once, this psycho-babble thought has crept into my head:

Are we really made from the experience of the relationship between our mother and our father??

If so,.... for lack of better words, "I'm screwed"

What I remember, the only memory I really have of them is a lifetime of fighting.

Fighting over me
Fighting over the house
Fighting over my mother's infidelity
Fighting, Fighting, Fighting

As a matter of fact, I can only remember ONE time ever seeing them "intimate". They had been divorced (one of many times) and gotten remarried, and when they told me, I remember thinking and telling them the only way I would believe it was if they kissed (you know like in cartoons, because that meant people were married ;) )

I never remember seeing them actually love each other, feel compassionate for each other. I feel like my dad was always catering to my mother's wants or threats. I think he loved her very much. I think for her, he was someone who could support her and her children, to be honest, I am not sure if my mother ever truly loved my father. I know my daddy loved me so much, that he would endure a lifetime of unhappiness, just so that I would grow up in an "unbroken" home. Little did they know, that the home I did grow up in, most times, I think, was actually more toxic to me, than growing up in a real broken home would have been.

My mother always spat toxic remarks about my dad, when they were fighting. My dad never said anything bad about my mom that I can remember, unless they were playing tug-of-war with me. Even then while she was trying to hurt him, by keeping me from him....the person she hurt the most, was me.

My dad didn't start talking negatively about my mother until recently. And it drives me crazy. And it always boils down to one topic: How she always used him. *sigh* daddy ... you knew it then, griping about it everyday now, isn't going to make it better.

To this day, I remember every single moment of the evening my mom was busted, cheating on my dad, after all, I was the one who answered the phone call from "him", and he asked to speak to daddy. I remember the cursing, and yelling, me running to my room to hide under my blanket and cry, sob actually. My mother bursting into the room asking, "what the hell are you crying about." Yes, I remember every vivid detail of that night.

That was the night, my idea of my mother, and my relationship with her changed forever. I no longer respected her. I talked back to her, I stood up to her, I became defiant to her. Who was she to tell me to obey rules and morals? That is also when ( noticed) I became less important to her, after all, I had a daddy who was always there.

I think it is things, and experiences like these, that form who we are emotionally. I never had a serious boyfriend in junior high, or high school. My reason was simple: I didn't want to end up like her. I didn't want to end up young, married to someone from my hometown, living the same life I grew up in. That wasn't how she met my dad, but it was a fear all the same.

Naturally, somehow, my first "real" relationship was with Andy, who was as emotionally, and physically committed to me, as my mom was to my dad.

And because of what I had grown up with, what I knew of relationships: was to be suspicious, jealous, be heartbroken, but give my daddy's all, and damn it keep trying.

Larry was really no different.

Boyfriend now is. He is emotionally committed to me. He wants to marry me. I don't in a million years believe he would ever cheat on me.

And maybe that is why I don't know how to handle him.

Sometimes, I think, I am like a walking grenade. That any little bump, pushes my pin out, and I over explode. I tried to explain to a friend, that I truly, because of all the experiences in my life, feel as though I am walking around with every single nerve fiber in my body is exposed, all the time. That any confrontation, and emotional upset, any comment, touches me, rakes me in every way, but unlike most other people, it isn't a soft touch. Everything hurts. Everything is painful. Because I have learned to expect the end product to hurt.

I am the woman Venus.

Something can be said to me in one fashion, and I hear it through my overstimulated, over experienced ears, and my mind races to the quickest route of knowledge, which is:

things are only said in a negative manner
things are only said to hurt you, or prepare you for something that is going to hurt you
when people give you advice, or concerns, it is to criticize you, in a negative way, not constructive way.
Can you see where I am going with this????

As the good Dr. Phil would say, you can not change something, if you can not acknowledge it.

I am well aware, of my insane hard wiring.

I see my friends who grew up with a loving family, and they themselves have a beautiful, wonderful, loving family, .... and I can't help but relate it to, of course...it is what THEY know.

I grew up in a yelling, screaming, tumultuous family, and that is what I KNOW.

A Cold Medicine Epiphany

2008-01-11T08:29:00.004-06:00

It is 8:32 in the morning on Friday, and I think I slept maybe 2-2.5 hours last night.

Well, let me back up for a minute because I can't remember at this very moment if I have blogged about Doodlebug being so sick this weekend or not. Needless to say, we have been playing pass and catch this sucker of a little virus back and forth to each other since Saturday.

Well, He missed school on Monday ($35 down the drain-spent the day at the office with me), went to school successfully on Tuesday, and I got a phone call on Wednesday that he again had a fever of 100.6. So, I packed up at work at 11:30, and headed off to get him, and just took the rest of the day off, will use my sick days. When I get to school, all the children are outside, it is a BEAUTIFUL day, and they are finally getting to play on the big playground,....except Doodlebug, who is sitting in a chair next to the teacher *ALARMS GOING OFF*. He ran up to me and just hugged me and I could feel the heat radiating from his little 3 year old body.

At this point, I say enough to myself, about not splurging on anything. He's been wanting to watch Cars, (we lost his DVD somewhere) and I headed immediately to the nearest Target, and got it, along with Pedialyte, Kleenex, etc. The poor baby put his blankie across the bars on the buggy, and actually laid down and went to sleep. That alone broke my heart. I brought him home, fixed him a super comfy place on the love seat, and just sat with him for a little over an hour, when he woke up enough for me to give him some Tylenol, and back to sleep he went.

He reminds me so much of myself in the weirdest moments, like this one. When I was a child and got sick, I would crawl into my parents bed, and sleep until I was over it. He was pretty much doing the same thing.

The fever came and went, and yesterday a cough grabbed him up so bad, that he would cough himself into throwing up.....alot. We stayed home yesterday, unfortunately, yes I think, ugh another $35 gone.

Mid-day, he was passing whatever back to me, and my head felt like it was in a vice. I went to look under my bathroom sink because I was sure at some point, I saw some cold/allergy medicine in there.

I found some alright.

Now, I knew it was old, I rarely get sick, and I believe that this particular allergy/cold medicine was purchased while I was still living in my old college town, oh ... around 2001. And if memory serves me correctly, I think back then, they still had stuff like ephedrine in the medicine, but memory wasn't serving me at all when I took the medicine. Not much later, my congested sinus's were clearing, the vice around my face and head was letting go and I was feeling, almost new again.

Then..........I started feeling funny.

Then it hit me. . . they pulled that stuff off the shelf and reformulated their products for a reason. Isn't the stuff that people were making drugs like speed and meth with????

Yep.... I was wide awake. Bouncy even. And instead of freaking out about it, I thought, Doodlebug is asleep, I can watch t.v. all on my own (We'd watched Cars 432.5 times by now). I watched Grey's, Friends, The 48, and it was in the middle of a rerun of Sex and the City (you know the one where Carrie and Adian broke up, and she had to either buy her apartment back from him or move? She finally went to Big for some help/advice) when my Epiphany hit me. It was so clear.

I was so excited about it, I would have given anything to have had my computer at home, and started writing this last night, lord knows I was awake long enough to do so.

I have dated, seriously, 3 guys in my life, and one of the really doesn't count-as we never committed to a committed relationship, but he is so important in this epiphany. (I can't help but giggle everything I write or say that word, it just sounds silly, epiphany)

Way back when, (2000) I met Andy (names have been changed to keep my identity a secret and not to give them the chance to gloat that someone is actually blogging about them). Andy was super good looking, youngish (26-27 I think) I was 21, he had graduated from our college, owned his own business, and Mr. Can't Noooooooo-one pin his tail feathers to the floor. *Challenge* I am apparently a sucker for a challenging guy. There was instant attraction, and I was a very popular girl in college, lots of friends, sorority girl, fraternity sweetheart, cheerleader, so in a way, I was sort of another trophy for him, yeah yeah, whatever, I had fun. He was definitely a playboy, and broke my heart more times then I would like to count. The thing about Andy though (that I realized last night) was he took care of me. Meaning: he always bought dinner, drinks, covers into bars if anyone *gasp* actually charged us a cover, took me on little excursions to little places, took me to Vegas for the first time, took me to the East Coast, etc. This might even help crystallize the picture, my sorority sisters use to laugh and call him "Mr. Big". <~~ See where the moment caught me in the episode last night? Once even, we were all visiting another sorority sister, and watching 9 1/2 weeks, when Natalie looked over at me and said, "He sooo reminds me of Andy with you."

Even after I met Larry (Sept. 2001-and finally broke things off with Andy), he even bought/gave me a plane ticket so that I could fly out to Vegas with Larry that New Year's. Larry by the way is Doodlebug's "father". Larry broke my heart that March, and bad. Well, Andy swooped in, packed up my apartment, moved me to Houston after he sent me to New Orleans with my girlfriends for spring break. The next few months with Andy, were my absolute favorite ever. Because we were friends. We actually became best friends. I think it really hit him, how he had hurt me so many times in the past, so actually seeing me hurting over Larry, really upset him. Anyway, it started out that he would come visit me from Friday night after work-Sunday evening.....which quickly turned into Thursday afternoon -Tuesday morning. Nothing happened, really. It was really an awesome time, no stress about anyone expecting anything from the other person, and I was able to actually hide from my broken heart, and not get back into the dating world. How could I date with Andy there all the time? Andy being the guy he was, so often helped out with rent, or the electric bill, because he was there, 4-6 days a week. He helped. He did not just offer, he just did it. <~~~~*Impact*

Now, I would love to say unfortunately, but I can't, because if we didn't, I wouldn't have Doodlebug. Larry and I did get back together, and Andy got mad, and quite being my friend. Larry and I got engaged. Larry and I had a roller coaster of and engagement and relationship all together. Broke off the engagement. He pretended to still love me, and kept seeing each other, and we have a child together. Larry split completely out of our lives when I was 3 months pregnant when he met ku-ku-ma-new-koo, proposed to her, and married her a year later on my birthday.

Larry and I didn't work for several reasons:

(the biggest of all) he was a cheat, and I didn't trust him
once he moved in with me, he mooched. He couldn't find a job, and I hated the fact that I worked all day, and would come home to my apartment in a disgusting mess.
We moved to another city, where I again supported us financially. I paid our rent, storage bill more times than not, gave him cash, other bills regularly, because his bills took most of his money. Ya know, my money was our money, his money was his money.

Anyway, lets super fast forward to current boyfriend. He makes good money. I have know him since Doodlebug was 1. At the time we met, Larry was no where. He stopped visitation ( I have to laugh that I am calling 7 very short visits "visitation") and was beginning to stop paying child support. I was right smack in the middle of nursing school at the time, and struggling as much as I had ever known up to that point. One day, a fellow classmate, gave me a roll of quarters so I could buy Doodlebug diapers. (Larry was according to his myspace page in Vegas, with not his wife-they had split up already ).

Anyway, my point is this: new boyfriend has seen me struggle. More so now than ever. He has seen me cry my eyes out, trying to figure out how I am going to pay day care, pay bills, buy clothes for growing baby, etc.

After being together a year, he begged me to move here, and when I did, he balked about moving in together, hence me living in a stupid garage apartment that I despise. He has seen me miserable about my living arrangement (his answer is get rid of my dog--and I can live anywhere I want--not going to happen). He has seen me trying like mad to figure out how I am going to pay daycare. He has seen my broken hearted, and broken spirited about my finances. Now let me mention, I do get my bills paid, I may have NOTHING left afterwards, but damn it, it gets taken care of.

What struck me last night was, not one time has he ever said to me, "Let me pay/help you with daycare this week. Can I help you with anything?" Nothing. Of course he is always upset, that we can't go out , or we're always stuck at home, but he has never offered to help.

Once, I gave him my credit card to pick up my dog food for me, and he didn't' feel comfortable using it, so he bought it,....I wrote him a $25 check to pay him back. When I finally broke down, and asked him to help me, asked him to pay half of my $55 birth control, his answer was, "well how about I just don't cash this check?"

What I realized last night.......

I am that traditionalist, that conservative person, I have tried my whole life to run away from.

My dad took care of my mom. He didn't earn much, but he was the breadwinner. I want that. I am not a "gold-digger" so please do not take my love of how Andy took care of me as that, because it wasn't. But I want someone to take care of me, my children. I want someone who wants me to be home raising our children more than I am at work. I don't think I could handle being a stay at home mom, but I would definitely would give just about anything to be home more.

I couldn't help but wonder, is this where all my angst for boyfriend is coming from? Is it the fact that he hasn't really done anything, to make my struggle lighter, what bothers me so much. He is needy in an emotional way, but I have pretty much been refusing to give, and I think this is why. Why give him what he needs, he has yet to give me even an inkling of what I need: support, strength, stability, the feeling of security, the feeling that I am someone he wants to take care of, in every way, not just physically, which I haven't been to keen on in a long time either. . . .

And it did bother me a little,that he has known how sick Doodlebug and I have been, that I have gotten no sleep, minus last night hiatus. I just wish one of the times I invited him over, he would have came and snuggled up to Doodlebug for a hour or two...so I could sleep.

Don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of things he does right.

But I can't help but wonder:

Did I jump into this relationship too soon, meaning, I was still new to parenting, and hadn't figured it all out yet, (still haven't)
Was I ready for a relationship? Or did I just want to even the score with ex and psycho-wife?
Was I looking for a partner for me?
Or a dad for my son?
Is this normal? Do people always question their relationships this way?

Can I have my cake and eat it too?

Or because I am a single parent, do I have to give up on my dreams of a knight and shinning armour? Which he is in sooooooo many ways, but......

I can't help but wonder about my married with children friends. . . do they go through the same emotional and mental torture I put myself through? Or because they were married first does it make it so different, that single parents just feel like they are living on a planet all on our own. Team HardKnocks.

I just love when my married with children friends tell me, how strong I am, how courageous I am, how they could never do what I have done. . . . Of course I thank them politely, and tell them in my head: "Of course you could. I am no different that you. You are a mother, and you love your baby(s) as much as I love mine, and you too would do anything you had to do, for them."

I just got off the phone with a pregnant (married) friend, and got that spill, which is why I wrote about it.

And I told her, you have two choices:

You can wake up, realize that have this amazing thing in your life, and you can decide to enjoy every minute of it, and experience every minute of good or bad, and be proud of it..... or
You can let it drag you down. You can let yourself be miserable, and pity yourself (which I do alot on my own--for sanity's sake)and feel sorry for yourself, and spend wasted time wondering "what-if" when in reality...not a bit of that is going to do you, or your child(ren) any single bit of good.

An Unfortunate Reality

2008-01-09T09:24:00.002-06:00

It's been a long week for me.

The doodlebug, unexpectedly got sick this weekend. You KNOW your child is sick, when they are playing with the neighbor kids outside "at the farm" in their battery operated monster truck around all the new mud, and they walk in on their own, because they want to take a nap. Then they wake up about an hour and a half later with a temperature of 102.6, and starts vomiting. Needless to say, a very long, exhausting weekend of taking care of a sick toddler. Then to add to the magic, I started feeling sick. But a few days of laying around, not really doing anything, other than trying to lay quietly on the couch when I got home from work, & bed at 8 pm last night, and today I actually feel tons better.

A moment of sad reality hit me this morning though. And I thought: How sad of a romantic reality, it is, that is thrust upon single moms. From the beginning of 'being single', we daydream and romanticize about being back in a loving, romantic wistful relationship, and how great someone is going to be when we fall in love again, and they with us and our little one(s). And for some of us it does happen, and we are lucky. And in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life. For example, as I glanced at the clock in my truck this morning, it was 6:32, and I couldn't help but think, my boyfriend's alarm hasn't even gone off yet. He, is still sleeping. I, have gotten up, showered, fixed coffee, my breakfast, packed Doodlebug's breakfast, made his hot chocolate, walked the dog, dressed, dressed my son, packed my stuff for the day, in the car and headed out of the driveway.

As I started my drive this morning, the sad thought entered my head, if he ever asked me (which he has in some ways but not directly) if I could live without him, I would have to answer: Of course. Which isn't something someone in love wants to hear or even think about. But that is the sad, unfortunate reality of single moms. We can live without them. We have lived without them. We have survived, and need be, of course we still could. And that's sad to me, because I can remember being in love, and feeling like I just couldn't live without that person, and that, I feel has somewhat been robbed from me, and in the same breathe, on the flip side, is incredibly liberating too. Yes of course I would like have that special someone in my life, but I have learned to do it on my own, so that sense of "I'll do whatever it takes, to make this relationship work," is just lost on me. I don't have that feeling. That part of me is pretty much dead.

I say that because we had another fight on New Year's Day. And I didn't cry. I didn't care. If we broke up , yes I would have been sad, but I would have moved on much easier than he, and that actually broke my heart. Have I learned to be that heartless? Has being a single mom, roughing it, made me cynical? Closed off to "fighting for what I want?"

I almost hate to say it, but the thing is....I am mostly satisfied and content to come home every day, fix dinner, be lazy on the couch and go to bed, not worry about romance.

Grr, enough about all of that.

What else to talk about now, I guess my dieting which just isn't going. I've gained 2+lbs. Not happy.

I would give anything to lose about 10 lbs, but that would take going to the gym, and um,... where to find the time right?

Ok, going to study now.

I will be Legend

2007-12-27T09:59:00.000-06:00

So obviously, I went to the movies last night. Boyfriend and I went to see I am Legend, and wow, it was every bit as good as I wanted it to be, and better, made for a decent night out.

I have to say decent because I noticed something that I think can be very important, but for some reason, it was large last night, it made me take notice.

Boyfriend kind of has a negative outlook. I have always shrugged it off as: he doesn't like some of his co-workers (and I can't blame him there), hates being so far away from his family, can't have a "normal" dating life with me, etc. Every time we go out, and something does not go right he always always always makes statements like: "my plans never work, everything falls apart when I plan something, etc." Last night was no different, unfortunately. I was super excited about having my child and fur-child free night. My boss, actually even let me off early at 3 o'clock because we were slow, wait, non-existent at the office.

My evening started with me getting home around 4, taking a small nap, bathing and getting ready for our date. Sometimes, I get the feeling, he gets upset if I don't tell him every finite detail of my life, which really annoys me, but I wave it off. For instance, I didn't tell him I got off early, mostly because I didn't want to be bombarded with text messages or phones calls of "what u doin?" Anyway, we got dressed and headed to the theater for our 7:50 movie, we were about an hour early, so we started to Joe's Crab Shack for appetizers. I thought, "lets just sit at the bar, (somewhere I obviously can't sit with doodlebug) that way it'll be faster. We sit down, I ordered a draft beer, he a coke, and ordered our appetizers, this is where the "feeling" started. I already felt like the negativity's were about to flow....and they did. It started with the folks smoking near us, no, I didn't like it either, but I was OUT and at a bar! Whoo hoo! Then his coke didn't taste right, probably had too much syrup or carbonation, whatever....but he refused to ask for something else, and instead, just keep complaining to me. Then some people arrived and started smoking behind us and ordered their food, not appetizers but food, and got served. Apparently, the lady's order was not even ordered (but forgotten )and our bartender apologized and got her food ordered and brought out, and ours (30+ minutes later) still hadn't been brought. So after all the complaining, and just not pleasant mood, we decided to pay our tab and leave. I, was frankly tired about hearing about the coke anyway.

We got to the theater, and he ordered a popcorn, we walked over to the butter and poured butter on it, and then i shook some ( a very little actually) of that butter salt on it, I've seen him do it before, and thought why not. I'll tell you why. He doesn't like it. It's too salty. So he pouted. As we sat down, he wouldn't even hold the bag. I finally had to clear off the top of the popcorn all the while he was saying stuff like, "everything else has turned to $hit in my hands tonight"...and this is where, I am sick of hearing all of it.

I can't stand his negativity. This my freakin night out!!!! I finally pour popcorn into my hands and he finally says...is it all off? grr... whatever. He complains so much and so often about us not being able to going out, and now, this night, he can't focus on the fact.....that WE ARE OUT.

Then the previews start, and he has drank most of our coke, and I say something about maybe running to the bathroom before the previews start and he wants me to refill the coke. However, the previews start, and I stay seated, I love the previews. Well, the movie breaks, and we are all sitting there, more to complain about. The man gets up to go to the restroom, and doesn't take the coke, whatever. Finally the previews start back up, and i get the urge. Some Batman preview comes on (that i don't care about) and I decide this is my moment to make a mad dash for the restroom and go,....but guess what I get when I get back...."thanks for refiling the coke, butthead" I know this was suppose to be in jest, but they aren't, they never are, or at least that is how they come across, I am pretending to make this a joke, but deep down I mean it.

Anyway, we finally get to watch the movie and it is GREAT! LOVED IT, WANT TO BUY IT.

I guess my point in all of this is.............

I am trying really really hard, to stay in a positive mood of life. Surround myself with things that are, well, positive. I have enough of my own self induce negative or bad days, I don't need anyone else's. So when you have someone next to you, who is negative, and pouting over the wrong things (like salty popcorn)....it just puts you in a bad mood.

I almost forgot to mention that he asked me if I wanted him to spend the night at my house tonight, and I said, "No". You would have thought i just shot his dog by the look I got. I tried to explain, "I haven't had a night alone to myself, with no responsibilities in OVER 3 years, this night is mine"..... So I think I've gotten twice, "so what are you going to do, what are your plans".... he is so worried i am going to "do" something, it drives me insane. So I finally told him, "Pack for New Orleans, clean my house, take a shower, paint my toenails, and maybe even watch something like The Notebook."

let's see how many times he
a) calls
b) txts........

I think I will turn my phone off at 7 or so... just so that it is quite.

I am so excited about tonight, that I just dont know what to do with myself.....

But to the part about me being a Legend:

I have been listening to various self helpish audio books like, The Secret and Become a Better You.

The both have a lot of common things, and that is mainly, to have a better more positive life, you have to be a better more positive person, and I want that desperately.

I want to be someone.

I want to do things.

I want to teach my child(ren) how to find who they are early in life, and learn to love our world and all the precious things in it. How to overcome dissappointment, and not only live through it, but learn from it and use it.

On days like today, my chest feels puffed and full of air, because I feel capable. I feel motivated. I am going to push myself to do the things I still dream of. I am young, and I am still vibrate and I can still dream and I can still do.

Today is a good day. I will enjoy today, and I will thank the Lord for giving it to me to enjoy.

Christmas is over,...whew, we made it

2007-12-26T09:50:00.000-06:00

Wow... I made it through the first Christmas my son actually could understand "Santa", and presents, and all the fun stuff.

In my head, I want the 2.2, white picket fence, dog, etc. However, what I have at the moment, does not include the white picket fence, I have one child, a (white) dog, and a boyfriend. Not quite there, but hey, at least I'm closer right?

So, I decided a long time ago, that I wanted so much more for my son, than I had. What I mean by that is: I'm going to hug him, alot, because my mom just never did that. I want him to know, that Mommy is there, and wants to be included in his little life, and I want us to do things together. I also wanted to start 'traditions', because that was also something I didn't have.

So in this grand scheme of ideas, I thought, "let's make cookies for Santa!" Thinking, how much fun it would be to actually cut cookies and decorate them, would be soooo much fun!!! But, we drove back to my mom's for the holiday, and were just super short on time, I thought, we'll just get premade cookie dough, roll it out...and that way, we've short cut lots of steps. This wasn't the best idea. The dough, was too soft, and we had the hardest time! Then to make matters worse, apparently the premade cookie dough super expands in the oven, so all the time you just spent on the cut outs... have just turned into big blobs that do not resemble the shapes we just made. So in a made dash after we took them out of the oven, boyfriend and I recut the shapes, and ended up with 3 bags of excess cookie stuff that we handed out on Christmas Day to my brother, nieces and nephews with a smile. At least we crack ourselves up. I'm not even going to comment on the decorating, because we were awful at that too.... but I think, when we stay at home next year, we will try it again, I just have to definitely have to study up on it. That or resort to something like, just plain chocolate chip or snickerdoodles, no shapes to be cut!

I would be lying if I said, that the 'others' didn't creep into my mind at all in the last 24 hours, because they did. I can't help on some days but to think: "I wonder, if there is any human emotion (self-less of course) that would spur them to send any kind of financial support, this month of Christmas, to help with the child, he(they) are about to write off forever.....

Nope. Not a penny. But her myspace tag reads: "I got pink and brown golf clubs for Christmas!!!! Thanks baby:):):)"

awww...isn't that sweet. This is ANOTHER prime moment when I have to take deep breaths and tell myself, I have the PRICELESS gift. I have the baby. WE HAVE EACH OTHER. And we have a love far greater than that of anything that can be bought.

And yes,... I know I shouldn't look at things like that. And I do less and less. Recovering from a habit is a step by step thing. I won't be able to stop just like that. But I am getting better at it.

I have a grand total of $0.52 in my checking account, and $2.69 in my savings. Gotta make it through until the 31st, which is payday. I can do this.

My daddy is watching the furchild for the remainder of the week for me, and my mother is watching my son for me. And thank goodness for that. Obviously I can't afford day care this week at $175. And, well, I might get some me time. I say might, because my boyfriend wants to do stuff...and i want to do stuff too. I spent the night with him last night, and will tonight, after we go see a movie. yea! But I have already claimed thursday night as MINE! He is taking me to New Orleans, for New Year's to meet up with one of his friends, his sister and her husband, so I need to pack thursday for the weekend, ...and just have some time to myself.

He dropped me off at home last night so I could get things together to spend the night with him and pick up my truck, and my house was so eerie without the noise of my son, and my dog. I bolted out of there not long after he backed out of my driveway. I hope I dont' freak out thursday! It's weird, because I daydream of having quite alone time, and I had about 3 mintues of it last night, and was so weirded out, I ran out the door.

This morning on my way to work, I thought alot. I do that alot on my way to work. I listened to my Joel Osteen audio book, disc 4 to be exact, and keep thinking, how do you stop from letting bad thoughts enter your mind. I know that they are what is poisonous to you, but how do you just shut them out?

Augh....

ok.......It's not a bad day, it's just not a great day, if you know what I mean.

Ok...shaking it off.

Can't walk today, it's raining :(

I need to read for awhile. Do something productive.

A Walk In the Sun

2007-12-20T13:09:00.000-06:00

My dad, called me just ten minutes before my lunch break.

He knew how upset I was last night, about the whole "fatherless child" statement.

He went to my attorney's office this morning, and called me to give me what I consider, GREAT NEWS.

He said, the my judge has decided to grant the termination of parental rights, in my case, as an exception to the law. All we need now is for 'him' to sign the legal documents, and my attorney will present them in court, and be done with it.

So with this information, I took a 45 minute walk around the upscale neighborhood, that surrounds my office. The sun is shinning in real life, and in my heart. Now I realize, that yes, I will be a little more financially strapped, since I will be carrying my son on my insurance, and we have one of those bulk plans, where it doesn't matter if you carry 1 child or 6, but so be it. It is a small price to pay for my happiness, and my child never suffering the pain of a sometimes parent.

I like the walk I have around this neighborhood. Like I said earlier, it's upsale, but the homes are older, which I just love. It gives them character, and I can't help me think of how much motivation it has the possibility of being for me. I look at the yards, and grade them on their "lay-ability", (yes I made that word up). In my perfect dream, I would have a nice house, with great grass outside, that if I wanted to , we could just lay in it, and enjoy the weather, pick shapes out of the clouds, whatever, so that is how I judge the yards ;).

I am in a much much better mood.

And thank goodness, it couldn't have come at a better time.

A bad day already, woke up this way

2007-12-20T08:41:00.000-06:00

So yesterday, is actually when it started.

I talk about forgiving 'someone', but on some days like yesterday, and today still, it is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, well not really, but you get the idea.

This 'someone' is the person, my son actually as some point has to call his biological father. This someone, doesn't pay child support, and hasn't seen my son in well over 2 years, and he's 3 years old. That part doesn't bother me. What bothers me, is looking at my bank account. Today, I have $140.31 in my checking, and $115.69 in savings. Friday, $106 of that will automatically come out, for repayment of the loan I took out for my RN nursing manuels. I need groceries. Soon, I'll need gas for my car to get to work and back. I also need $175 for the last week of Daycare this month. Hmmm, can you see where I am frustrated???

Do you know what his 'wife's' myspace comment says??? She is soooooooooooooo ready for Christmas!!!!! yeah, cause I am sure, she has the luxury of buying Christmas presents. She herself has stated on myspace before that her and her best friend, "go out alot".....

So she's kind of sitting pretty, having a great time, and I am worrying about how I am going to keep my son in daycare, and even feed him.

I am frustrated because at our last court date, after fighting with me all day over the amount of child support he wanted to pay versus what the state says he should pay, he went to my attorney's office, and decided he would rather terminate his parental rights, rather than pay child support. Coming from a man who just hours before made this statement, "well some months, my company makes $200,00 a month".....and yet, zero of that makes its way to pay child support. Sad world isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think termination is the best thing for us. As of right now, the judge is leaning toward, not allowing it because they don't want to create a "father-less child"....

What a joke right? What do you call him at this very moment? No child support. The "father" doesn't exercise any kind of visitation. He is in fact, a "father-less" child.... who has a daddy.

My boyfriend, has played 'daddy' just about since the day he met him over a year and a half ago.

So no. When will the court, and the states start standing up for our children, rather than make up a silly statement like "we dont' want to create a father-less child", news break,....the court isn't creating one, the man who donated, and the wife who literally takes food out of this baby's mouth to pay her bar tab, and tips her manicurist creates the father-less child in this scenario.

Then I start think about so many things, and my mind becomes a cloud of sadness, and feeling like a failure.

I feel like I have failed myself, because I am a struggling single mom.

I feel like I have failed my son, because people make statements about him being a father-less child.

I feel like I have failed 'my family' because we live in a garage apartment, with no yard for him to really play in, because that is all I can afford.

I feel like I am a failure, because my son is wearing clothes that are acutally just a little bit too small *but still work* because I can't afford to buy him new ones.

I feel like I am a failure because, I dont' have time or the energy to be a great girlfriend. I don't have anyone (or the money) to watch my son, so my boyfriend and I can acutally "date".

I guess over all, I am just having a bad day.

So now it's 9:33

and I just went and looked at my own myspace page, which is something I rarely do.

And I am smiling.

I have slideshows of me, and my son. And what I see is a happy baby. One with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. A baby who knows that he is loved. A baby who knows his mommy is and has always been there for him. I may feel like a failure in so many ways, but when I think about the sound of his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes, and that smile on his face, or the adorable way he says, "Mommy, you are my friend." or "I wuv you Mommy", then I know, I have done something right.

This is where I need to take a deep breath, stop trying to rush through my days, and start enjoying the wonderful things I DO have.

A new day, again

2007-12-18T10:11:00.000-06:00

ok... so wow, it's almost been 2 weeks since i started this? Really? I had a super rough week last week, and i just never found the time or want to, to write about it.

But things are looking better after an emotional blow-up on sunday. But I am human, and we all deserve bad days.

With that being said, I am happy(ier) on most days, but the funny thing is, I found myself gettting angry this morning in traffic with one of those "I just wish I could tell them off" moods. How these things creep into my brain at the moments they do will always amaze me. Then I remind myself, I am having a good day, don't ruin it by thinking of those two selfish a$$holes.

I didn't have too much of a problem getting out of bed this morning like I did yesterday, but it wasnt' below freezing either. So I got up, put my scrubs on, I work for a doctor, a surgeon. And he said, I could wear business casual to work, which that idea seemed so fun, until I started doing it. And now, I am slowly transforming back into my scrubs, because well they are more comfortable, easy and cheap upkeep, and well, as a nurse, I personally just feel more professional in scrubs that I do in "street clothes". Anyway, I got out of bed, and I made my coffee, turned on the news, stetched, and then took the dog out for a walk.

I've decided that since I can't afford a gym membership right now, to try to start setting my clock back by about 10 mintues, which would start my alarms at 4:50. That way my son can still sleep, and I can get the chubby dog out for a small wake-us jog in the morning, down to the end of the street and back twice. Also, I have mapped out a 2 mile walk at work, which will be my lunch break. Good excercise, and good from keeping me from going to the Mall across the street and trying to buy things I can't afford.

This morning, I had a piece of whole wheat toast with some strawberry jam when I woke up with my coffee at around 5:15.

When I got to work 3 hours later i made some Quaker oatmeal which exploded in the work microwave. Didn't know it would do that. So I remade my oatmeal, and squished a small bananna up in it. yummy. Not as good as the Quaker Bananna's and cream instant...but I got more, and it wasnt' bad.

Doc has left to go do rounds at the hospital, my secretary has called in, her daughter is sick. I am trying to study some of my nursing material, so I can take my next test in January. I am an LVN, who is studying to get my RN through Excelsior. I was hoping to be done by this month, December 2006. Sadly, LVN's do the same work as RN's (except supposedly we can't do assessments, however I can't tell you how many I have done, so my "superbusy" charge could sit at the computer, and then come tag her name to it, by finishing the last few questions) and make waaaaaaaay less. As a single mom, who wasn't getting child support, unless it was literally being taken by the attorney general by ways of liens, garnishment, of raiding bank accounts, making our every day life needs financially was overpowering, and I just haven't had the extra $232 it takes to take an exam. I am smart enough for sure. I could have zipped right through, but I can't afford it, and pay all my bills, and feed my child at the same time. It is a vicious circle for sure. Working as an LVN, I can barely make ends meet , if at all. However, I can't afford to do the things I need to do to get my RN, where I can make more money. But my mom, is going to pay for my next test, and I am planning on asking for a 6 month forbearance on paying my student loans back, which are $205.11 a month. That way, I can take my tests, and get that over with.

Here is where my choice to be in a good mood and thinking positively HAS to come into play. And I am choosing to be more optimistic and know that I will get there, I will get my RN, and i will make more money to support me, and my child. Because he deserves it, and so do I.

Anyway, I am back to reading about blood disorders, and cardio disorders, fun fun fun!

Yeah! I stuck to the plan, mostly!!

2007-12-05T09:30:00.000-06:00

Ok....

So, my boyfriend, asked if I would rather him just come to my house, and trying not to sound too excited, reluctantly said, yeah, I guess so.

So he met me, and doodlebug as we drove up, we went inside and changed clothes and grabbed the pooch! The park was nice, not too much of a crowd, the only thing is one whole side is not lit up at all, so I am not sure if it is somewhere I would like to be in the dark by myself, but boyfriend really enjoyed and suggested we do it tonight too, Yea!!!

As for dinner.... didn't go as well as I would have liked. I had a box of Balsalmic vinegarette pasta,....and didn't realize I actually needed vinegar to cook it, so I used pasta classic in a box, and it as actually decent. I grilled some chicken that I cut into pieces and then added it to the pasta. Boyfriend decided to cook the eggplant, but after re-reading the instructions online today, I realized that we used waaaay too much olive oil. The meal still ended up ok, and felt alot healthier than hamburgers and fries...or cookies and milk ;)

As for tonight, I have no idea what to make...going to puruse the internet some see if I can find any good ideas. Going to the park again tonight!

ahhh....

so today has been one of those days at the office.

I'm bored.

So I keep eating, but not too bad.

Mostly everything today has been healthy: toast with peanut butter, oatmeal, yogurt, turkey sandwich, that type of stuff....but I've spread it out through the day so I guess it feels like I have been eating literally all day long......

That and I am trying to keep my mind off of certain things. Things to which I hope with come and go, signed sealed and delivered. Which will also go hand in hand with all that forgiveness I keep talking about.

But,...it keeps me thinking, what's going on today? What new news is there? I can't help but think today, "It must be really inexpensive to go out and drink and stuff in (well I just say somewhere more North than here)....because I know a certain someone who claims to be broke.........but has the money to go out all the freaking time!" Amazes me.

See this is the point where I should be doing some forgiving...........

Instead, I am going to put my nose back into my books and wait for the next thing I have to do at work today :)

4:47

I'm tired. The thought of being outside in the dark and cold.....not sounding appealing right now. Think Boyfriend is staying at his house tonight......which means....I will probably cook dinner and be lazy on the couch.........hmmmmmmmmmm

Ideas of a new life (past and present)

2007-12-04T14:40:00.000-06:00

ok, so I am not the healthiest person, actually I'm not even in the ballpark of healthy.

I have sparking ideas of being healthy but as a single mom, sometimes healthy doesnt' fit into the budget, the time, or the energy plan for the day.

I am 5'3" and as of today, I weigh 134.0 lbs at 29 years old. Am I over weight? No. Could I be better, yes, but then again, what real people couldn't ( I don't count celebrities who talk about how easy it was to lose the baby weight, when they have the time and money to exercise all day or have trainers and cooks, blah blah blah).

Anyway, I have a friend, who since having children, has become a little nutsy in the dieting department, (God bless her I love her, but she can do this because she is a stay at home mom-so she does lots of research on trends) but she recently sent me a link to http://www.katheats.blogspot.com/ and I have actually found it interesting.

Mostly because she and I are about the same size. I don't have as much weight to lose as she did in the beginning, but I like the pictures of her food, except for the cheesy stuff. I don't like cheese, not even on my pizza. No, before you ask, I am NOT lactose intolerant, I am cheese intolerant, I don't like the way it tastes, it smells, yuk, i guess it is genetic, my grandmother didn't eat cheese either. My son isn't the biggest fan, but at least he eats it on pizza.

Anyway, I have been checking out this lady's blog. I started yesterday. And thought, I'll keep it in mind. Lunch yesterday, was way too much cheeseless pepperoni Papa John's pizza with that devilish garlic butter sauce. So needless to say..........I was full for the rest of the day. I picked doodlebug ( my son, sometimes I will call him my cuppycake or booger-bear) from school, and asked my 3 year old what he wanted for dinner. His reply? "Chips, and a poptart." Ok, I am not healthy, but I am not THAT unhealthy. After fighting my long commute on the tollway in Houston, TX home, being too full from lunch, I didn't feel like cooking. So, he halfway got his wish. As I let him watch The Polar Express while I took sugar-bear (my dog...not his real name) out to use the bathroom, he got to munch on a sandwich , and chips, and very watered down hot chocolate (like that makes it "better" for him?????). When we got back in , I had..... ChipsAhoy chocolate chip cookies and milk. I know. But just not in the mood. Doodlebug ended up having 2 cookies and milk for dessert.

So after that whole life changing (you know what I mean) meeting with my pastor this weekend, I've been making mental notes on all the way's I want to change my life.

I've started waking up at 5 a.m. to start my day. If I actually get out of bed at 5 (which I didnt' do today) I have time to wake up and start my day slowly, being able to breath along the way. I get up, turn the coffee maker on, turn the news on, sit on the floor and stretch, take the pooch out for his morning business, figure out our breakfasts, and what to take to work for lunch, and get mostly dressed before I wake booger-bear up around 6:20. We have to be out of the door, in the car, and backing up out of the drive way at 6:40. However, I am trying to back this up even 10 more mintues. Its funny how 5-10 minutes can make or break your commute in Houston. I learned last Friday, that if I leave 10 minutes earlier, I can drive the beltway the entire way to work and save $3.00 a day in tolls. I know $3.00 a day doesn't sound like much, but round-trip that is $6.00 a day, plus gas, and as a single mom, doing it all by myself, you save money wherever you can. So, 10 minutes earlier will continue to be the goal. And I like the little bit of "me time" in the morning.

"Me time" what a funny concept. Of all the unsolicited advice and comments you get as a pregnant woman, I have one that sticks out in my memory all the time. I worked with a single mom named Bernadette. She was actually the first and only single mom I knew. She said something to me one day that I laughed at, but think about all the time now. Don't ask me why, because I can't remember, but we were somehow talking about baths. Yes, I am a bath girl. I love my baths. Showers are fine when you are in a hurry, or really dirty or for whatever reason, but baths are for me anyway, a delicious pleasure. Well she said, "You better enjoy your baths now, because you'll never have another alone, will never be the same." I said, "you are crazy, that is my me time, and I may have to give alot up, but not that!!!" Each and ever time I had doodlebug sitting in his swing while I took a bath, hating to hear Pop-Goes-The-Weasel one more time, I thought about what she said. Every time I thought, I'll just put him in here with me, a 2-for-1 special to hurry up and get it done with, I though what she said. Everytime I locked one door, and he came bolting through the other to see what I was doing, I thought about what she said. Everytime he comes in to say, "Whatcha doin? Holds two cars and ask me, "pick one, the silver one? the red one?" "Mommy what's that?" "It's Doodlebugs turn!" and starts stripping.... I think about her. Even now, my boyfriend has to play the ultimate defensive for me. I take a bath, and the door knob is shaking, or little knuckles are knocking on the door, and I hear, "leave your momma alone, she's taking a bath." Nope, has never been the same, I truly never get my long hot baths alone.....havent' had one in 3 years.

But that is the punch-line to being a single mom. So many of us begin it devestated because we are alone. The funny thing is, a single mom, is never alone, never. Sometimes I day dream what it would be like (again) to take a long bath, and turn the T.V. on to something non-"educational" like Lifetime Movie Network, and sit on my living room floor,.....and just paint my toe nails.

So where was I anyway before I drifted down memory lane?

Oh, getting and living healthier.

So, now I am waking up earlier, so I don't start my day in a hurry and stressed out. (AWwww, Doodlebug and mine's song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on my launchcast right now) I am saving $3.00 a day by taking the beltway instead of the toll way. And my goal for the latter part of my evening is this:

Come home, get the Furchild, go to a very well lit, park down the road from my house, let the booger-bear ride his bike, while the sugar-bear and I jog around the cement sidewalk around the tennis courts. At 6.5 human years, my about 46 doggie year pooch has definitely gained his middle age weight. I also have a super guilty conscience. I am such an outdoor person. But at this time of year, it is dark when I get home. And when you have a 3 year old, you don't go parading around in the dark with your son, no matter how big your dog is, (which at 105 lbs, heard a neighbor's screen door close this morning, and jumped, like a scared person, they way he jumped from being startled, startled me, how silly is that???) so we don't get out after work anymore, but hopefully that will change. I have to make that change. I can't afford a gym. And furchild deserves family time and exercise too, so hopefully this park idea will work. My dog, sleeps all day, on my king size bed, on top of the down feather bed, and comforter, with plently of food and water, and multiple chew toys. Guilty?? you ask. Yes, because each and everytime I walk out the door, he looks at me, ears back, head lowered, super sad puppy eyes, and makes me feel like the scum of the earth. So when I drive down the road, and see the same breed of dog, chained to a pine tree in someone's front yard with nothing other than a plastic doghouse, I tell him through thought...boy you've got it good, and just don't know it. But, I left him at 6:30 this morning, will pick doodlebug up from school, drop him off at boyfriends, go home walk sad eyed puppy, pick up clothes and stuff for dinner, movies and a sleep over at boyfriends house, while leaving sugar-bear at home....alone. I'll see him in the morning, and tomorrow night. But I still feel guilty. So...........Saturday.........I have to take him either to a dog park...or to the beach or somewhere where he can run free, and tire himself to another week, while I work. He's a pampered big dog. I can't shouldn't feel guilty about that right?

So about dinner tonight, because of that blogspot, on my lunch break, I bought chicken, and eggplant for dinner tonight. I am not sure how we are going to cook it, but I'll let you know tomorrow. I am going to jog some tonight.

And most importantly, I am going to love on the two men in my life, my little one, and my big one. Because of the "big" changes occuring in my life, which I will elaborate on more at some time, my romantic self has suffered. The stress caused by the two people I am in the process of learning how to forgive, has wrecked havoc in my life, and I am on the road to repair that too.

Thankfully, my boyfriend is a good, kind, strong, loving, wonderful man, and he has stood by my side through all of this............and it's his turn to held.

The Lesson from a Meeting. . .

2007-12-04T09:51:00.001-06:00

Like I said originally. There are some huge new changes in my life.

Changes so huge, it has inspired me to seek help from above.

To learn forgiveness.

I had to go to my pastor, to get a better idea, and what it really was about. And I am not an every sunday church goer. I go when I can, which isn't often, especially since I have moved to Houston, but the hurt has been enough for me to go home, and find someone who can listen without being partial to the entire story. I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, I am looking for someone to listen.

I have had the hardest time trying to understand the concept of forgiveness. I keep thinking, If I forgive this person(s) then that lets them off the hook. But it doesn't. The forgiveness that I am reaching out for first and foremost, is to forgive myself.

For so long, I have held onto so much bitterness, and anger, that it has finally started affecting other really important parts of my life. I held on because somehow, you think, if I let it go, then that means that it makes what this person, or these people have done to me ok, and they aren't being punished for these things. The sad reality is though, that I am and have been the only one is has been punished. I am the only one who has held on to ALL of these hurts and remember each and every one of them. I am the only one, who is letting them interfere with my life. They aren't. They are having a jolly old good time, but really, some people just don't get it. Some people do not have a conscience, or if they do, it is overruled by their selfishness.

I was told sunday, that forgiveness is like a pyramid, it has 3 sides: Forgiveness from God, forgivess from or for yourself, and forgiveness has to be given that forgiveness has to be a maintence process.

(oh ........... my ................god..................... I have been typing for the last HOUR! AND IT DIDNT' SAVE! IT WAS DELETED AND I HAD TO SIGN BACK IN ...........................)

OK....

Just had to walk around the office and breath. Ate and afternoon snack, and decided I will type it all over, but in multiple blogs, probably safer that way.

Ok, so I was on forgiveness right?

On the maintence process, my pastor told me (which I had for some reason never thought of on my own) when you decide to forgive yourself, or someone else, it's not just a one time job. It's something that you have to do frequently. Something you have to do everytime you think of the injustice or the hurt done upon you. He said, you can finally build the courage to forgive someone (and yes, it does take alot of courage) but then you have to do it everytime there is a memory of that hurt. And at first, that hurt may be recalled daily, and in my case, sometimes multiple times daily,....but eventually, one day you will wake up, and you will have realized that you havn't thought of that in a month. I haven't even reached a week yet. So I am sure it will be awhile.

He also told me, there will be days, that are just bad days. I had one a week ago. I literally just woke up in a bad mood. I knew it the moment I woke up. I made sure to also tell everyone around me about it too. I did that because I didnt' want my boyfriend, or my secretary to take it as anything other that what it was - a bad mood. And I can lie all I want, and just say it was for no reason, but it would be that, a lie. I have bottled up hurt, hatered, anger, jealousy, and bitterness for so long, that on that morning, it just started seeping out.

So, after this long talk with my pastor. I have started the process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not really knowing better for loving someone I shouldn't have, even though I say all the "I sooooooooo knew better." Forgive myself for feeling pitty for me. Forgive myself for sometimes missing my young fun life. Forgive myself for lots of things. Past mistakes. My past in general.

In doing this, I entertain the idea of forgiving the person who turned into 2 people to have to forgive. And although I haven't done it yet, I suppose thinking about it is at the very least a step into the right direction, right? Because the mere thought of it, has made my soul feel lighter already, and that has to be a good thing. It's a work in progress for sure, but like all my new plans and ideas, it will just have to be one day at a time.

My First Day

2007-12-04T09:36:00.000-06:00

The last 4 years, well actually lets see, I could acutally say the last 7+ years of my life have been quite a ride. Lots of wrong turns, dips and inclines along the way. However, some major things have been happening lately that are just so huge, that for the first time, I can in the moment, realize the vastness of them as they are taking place, and I want to be able to adjust to them in stride, and look back and say wow, I did that.

So with that said, I have this new idea that I want and/or need to change alot of things in my life. I need to change my attitude towards lots of things,...most importantly this morning, about getting out of bed. I need to change the not so healthy way I eat, or I let my son eat. I need to change my views of the and my world in general. How I focus on my religion of Christianity, and how I would like to see myself be a better Christian, not the crazy extreme kind, just the kind that feels a connection to a higher power. Something to defer my problems, my hurts, my pains, my dreams and desires to.

So here I am. I figure this could possibly be a great way to start.

I can plan out each day, my expectations either for that day or the next, or whatever comes to the forefront of my brain, and see how well, I can follow what my dreams or instincts tell me. I have had a reckless past to say a little, but not so bad that it can't be mended. I like anyone else have hurt, and been hurt. I am a single mother, with the gift of a child that I hold dear to my heart, my identity, the one thing, that helped me realize who the person was that I so desperately wanted to become.

This is my journey into a better life. Forgiving my past. Drifting toward my future. And being happy so that I can start using my present for what it is: a gift of today, because like so many before me have said - There is no promise of tomorrow.