I lost my best friend

I will write more. But I have been absent because my dog, became gravely ill.

After an emergency surgery, and tons of care from me, he passed in his sleep monday morning on a palet I had been laying on next to his kennel.

Steph T..... send me a text message, and I will call you.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken.

And I have alot to write about. But just not yet.

I'm here,...I promise

Ok...

Well... most important thing is first.

TERMINATION OF PARENTAL RIGHTS.

After 2 snarky emails from the EX,...and one 'mystery email' from janedoe12345676@yahoo.com ......

I talked to my attorney today, and he told me that in the mail today, were the signed and notarized papers from the Ex.

Yea!!!

Now all I have to do is file them.

I'm not sure what the next steps are, because he is a few thousand dollars behind in the arrears, (which is what first snarky email was about)

Ana,
I have done everything I can do and begged everyone I know to help me catch up on the money situation to no avail.

I have sold and/or pawned everything I own to try to keep up with my own bills and it is not enough, I'm too far behind.

My house was foreclosed on, I was evicted from my last rent house for not paying the rent and I'm 17 days late on the rent at my current rent house with no idea of how I'm going to catch that up either.

Dingo left the company to get another job a few weeks ago so the business is even worse off than before and she is moving out and leaving me next week.

I am doing side jobs for extra money, but it is still not going to be enough for me to catch up or to EVER afford the amount of child support and much less ever have the money to get another attorney to help me get it lowered to a reasonable amount.

Can we PLEASE move forward with the termination? I am not happy about it, but that is obviously what you want and I HAVE to do something to stop the accrual of these support bills.

They will be revoking my probation any day now and I will not be able to catch it up or even show up in court which means I will be arrested and there is NO chance of me having any money after that.

I have attached a copy of the summary of all of our company bank balances and a copy of the detail statement of our main construction account so that you can see what I'm talking about. There is NO money to be had from me PERIOD.

Virtually every transaction you see on there is auto debits to keep the web site up(our only decent source of income), gas, or me eating with work crews at 7eleven.

We could have had this deal done 3 months ago if y'all had accepted the termination without forcing me to -pay off all of the support.
We could have had this done 12 months ago if you had agreed to let the support be lowered to a reasonable amount.

Now it's so bad that I don't honestly know if I can even save the business and you need to understand that it is NOT just ME who will suffer if the business fails...
We have real customers who have given us their savings and are waiting for me to build their jobs and they will lose their money if I go to jail and the company has to file bankruptcy.

I have real subcontractors with real families who are waiting to be paid and now THEY are all close to getting evicted/foreclosed on, etc.

Dingo's family and my friends have all given us money over the last year or two to get us through this deal and now THEY are all in danger of wasting their investments in this as well.

This has cost me nearly $100,000.00 in after-tax cash, a home, a marriage and I don't even have the benefit of snuggling up to a laughing and playing with Doodlebug which I'm sure would have been a very nice consolation to all this misery, but I'll never know that either.

Enough is enough, Ana this not a game that you are winning because you hate me, this is serious stuff that is ruining multiple lives.

I am going to give the documents to your attorney again next week and you need to get on with making this stop.

I will be available if Doodlebug ever wants to contact me, but I will not ever try to visit or be involved again unless you or he contacts me and asks me to and I'm not promising I'll be able/willing to be involved then either unless it's an emergency or it's just because Doodlebug wants to meet me.

However, once I am able to get back on my fet in a few years, I will be making good money again and you need to keep in mind that it sure would be nice to have me as an ally if something bad ever happens and/or if Doodlebug needs help for college, etc.

I am going to put the rest of my furniture and tools up for sale this week, but I will probably only be able to raise maybe $1500-$3,000 for everything which I will pay to support to try and keep them from revoking my probation, but when you get that money I need you to make good on your previous promise to pay it back into the child support fund. You'll get the money back in 3 days and if you and your attorney can get the termination done, this will be over.

If my contribution and your matching contribution are not enough to pay off the balance of the support, I will make payments or something to pay the rest off, but we have to do something to stop the new payments from coming in because like I said, this is IT. There will never be another chance after this that I'll be able to keep up with those payments.

Please let me know what y'all want to do, I'm sure you can forward this to your attorney, so I won't bother faxing it over and you can tell him not to bother with sending me a letter telling me not to contact you, I already know he doesn't like it. Tell him to save the cost of the postage and buy Doodlebug a granola bar or something useful.

Also, please let me know if you are not willing to do this, because if you are not, then I won't be able to stop the revocation of my probation so I will need to use the money to pay another attorney instead of paying the support.

Also, I'll need the attorney to go ahead and file the transfer motion to Houston

If I don't hear anything back from you in a few days, I'll still send the documents to your attorney, but I'll have to spend the money on an attorney.

Please don't think that's just a threat. I have to do that or I won't have anybody to protect me through the new eviction and the revocation hearings in Hardin county and the only way I'll ever get an actual day in court is if the case is transferred to another county(I hope), which it should be legally anyway.

*sigh*

Then I got this email...to which it is a letter to my attorney:

Dear Ana's Attorney:
I appreciate your concern about my troubles, but the bankruptcy was last year and it’s now been discharged. Remember, that was taking place while you and Ms. Anabiosis were refusing to let anyone believe I was anything less than a millionaire in order to keep my child support payments high. Shortly after that was when my home was foreclosed on.

The impending matter is my 2nd eviction in 6 months, but at least I know the XXXXX County Sheriff’s dept. will have a bed ready for me after you and Ms. Anabiosis get through with me. You know the irony of that is that Doodlebug has not lived even a single day of his life in XXXXXXX County outside of maybe visiting his grandparents. It’s almost funny how you’ve helped Ana cheat the system and break the law. Almost.

Losing Dingo is a real shame, but imagine how much better her life will be without all of this drama! I can only dream…

By the way, I’m glad I still amaze you. I’d hate for you to get bored over there!

OK, back to the matter at hand. As far as the tax stimulus checks are concerned, neither Dingo nor I received our checks and they were reported to have gone to the Child Support office. The other money matters are either not worth discussing because we are in disagreement or are related to the fact that I don’t have money and can’t do much about it right now.

As far as contacting Ana goes, I have not threatened her in any way, unless you think that my desire to hire an attorney is a threat. Additionally, there is no valid reason for her and me not to be in contact. After all, my son lives with her and if I’m not mistaken, I do believe that in Judge ABC’s last ruling he told us to be reasonable and try to work things out on our own without going to court. I can send you a copy of the ruling if you have forgotten. Regardless, I will continue to contact her regarding this matter, at will, as long as she is in possession of my son or until a judge orders me not to.

I am mailing the signed affidavit to you as soon as I’m through writing this letter and my only desire is for this matter to be resolved one way or another. Until then, I am going to

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pay as much as I can towards my support and exercise my visitation rights as outlined in our current set of temporary orders which are now into the standard visitation phase.

You may tell your client that I will be notifying her at least one day in advance of my court scheduled visitation periods if I am not going to be there. Otherwise, I will be there to pick up Doodlebug at every appointed time starting after September 1st. I believe the next, scheduled visit will be on Sunday, September 7th which I thought would be nice because both of our birthdays are that week. I guess the one good thing about being single is that I will be able to focus a lot more of my time on Doodlebug until the termination goes through.

I hope you are doing well and I look forward to speaking with you again soon.
Sincerely,
The Ding-bat loser Ex

But like I said...my attorney now has the termination papers in hand, so we will file asap, and just go step by step from there!!

Steph T!

Call me when you get a chance! Doodlebug's birthday party is this weekend!

Coming Back Soon!

Just wanted to let everyone know......that I will be back soon!

Maybe be shutting down

Seems boyfriend has found my blog, so I'll probaby be shutting it down.

I just don't think he'll understand my need to write passionately about the things in my life including him, without him getting mad.

He keeps alluding to the fact that he knows, but just won't come out and say it.

He doesn't seem to understand my need, to not involve him in everything I do. That I need some seperation once in a while.

I knew this the other day...I had that feeling...and I thought about taking it down but I didn't.

I'm not hiding anything...I just need my own space to vent....

But I guess...I just can't have it.

An Off Day from the Start

I actually went to bed early last night, because, well,...I love sleep. I love the feeling of being well rested, and waking up to a wonderful new day. Except I didn't sleep at all last night. So the morning was filled with continually reaching for the snoozer.

So, I was late-ish, and to me, being late just means not being early. Didn't have time to make coffee, Doodle was exceptionally hard to wake up this morning, and well, even though I had my great bowl of Cheerios, I just wanted more....so I stopped for an everything bagel, and a Dr. Pepper. And I am ok with that.

As a matter of fact, I am becoming, slowly, more and more ok with things in my life, and that is/was the point of this blog.

Even yesterday, after finding out, that the Ex, still hasn't decided to hand over, the already signed and notarized termination papers, that we will once again be headed back to court, there is a certain calm over me.

When we head to court, it will have been 7 months and 4 days, since he initially agreed to terminate his rights. He has paid a total of $50 since then in child support. A writ of wage garnishment was mailed out to his wife (the 100% owner of 'their' company) as well as a filing of child support enforcement. So, all I know about this court date will be: He will be asked to come up with around $6933 (if he doesn't make any more $50 payments) at that time, and will have a number of things that could possibly happen. He could be sentenced to jail time, probation, or possibly/hopefully, just hand over the papers.

Do I have a feeling he/they are going to pull some of their common strings, i.e.; we need more time, we don't have a lawyer; show how their house is up for foreclosure supposedly again, they have hocked their wedding rings again, and any other number of pitiful song and dances, probably. Do I expect it? Of course.

The problem here, is that my child (I feel) from his standpoint, has become nothing other than trying to "beat me", or "win" at some weird pissing contest. After 3 and a half years, it is easy to see it isn't about Doodlebug, because if it were, he would be around. He doesn't care about him, he cares about me. Not in the romantic loving way of course, but about putting in my some sort of place and winning at something I haven't figured out yet. And I use the term "winning" because it is one that not only he, but his crazy wife has used, " You Win." Well, you're damn right I win, I won years ago, by creating and having a beautiful child, that I love every single second of every single day.

So today just feel like a weird day for me. Because I am eating junk, and I don't care.

Because I have yet another inevitably ugly court day looming in my future, and I am not freaked out about it...yet. Even my mother told me yesterday, not to worry, and I said "I'm not.....you know I am."

I worry because there is a possibility that he will ask for and get some sort of visitation set up. That is the unfortunate right of DNA. He hasn't been available to my son for 3+ years, but when it is convenient for him, he'll have that right. Any parent who truly loved and cared for their child, would move mountains to be with them, and use the time they have with them. All I was asking for was for him to fulfill his supervised visits in a fashion so that Doodles would become familiar with him, bond with him, and not see him as a stranger who showed up so sporadically he wouldn't know the difference between him and the UPS guy. I really don't think that is too much to ask, especially after watching him and the Dingo, wrestle a 9-10 month old together, and finally put the diaper on backwards.

I want to take Friday off, for a day to myself before my new job starts. My boss is leaving thursday at noon to go to North Dakota to look for a place to live. I think he wants me here to wait for lab results if they get faxed in.....so I don't know how to ask for the day off....

I just want a little time to myself.

A sweet and sad weekend

So the doodle's and I tracked all the way to Austin this weekend to visit our friends, "T her daughter, and son, and "Z" and her 2 sons. It was a fun drive, although alot longer than I thought. It was such a great time, so get to see my friends, and their children, and watch them all play together.

A sweet sadness rushes over me each and every time I leave Austin, because, Austin, is the one place that feels like "home" to me, but this time was even worse.

It was a weird feeling, because I was watching, and listening to my friends, who I thought I had everything in common with, and realized, that we might not have that much in common at all anymore, than the ages of our children.

They are both stay at home moms, except for"Z" who works 16ish hrs a month, which I didn't know, and I am soooooooooo happy for her, and it was then, when I found that out, I realized, I am still and probably always be the odd one out.

They both gushed about things like 'mis-treatments' which I knew nothing about, or tried to explain CVSing to me, which sounds like a great idea, but I just don't think I'll ever have the time to do it.

But it was when, I saw T,....letting her daughter chose a board game that I realized how different we were. I couldn't help but stand there amazed at how relaxed, and unhurried she was, when asking her daughter to choose between games....and I thought....wow, because she isn't trying to hurry an entire day of time with her baby into a few hours like I do everyday. And I think because of that, she is a better mom. I on the other hand, am rushing from the moment I wake him up with, "hurry up baby, Mommy's late, we gotta leave!", to trying to fit an entire day of love into the minutes from when I pick him up at about 5:45pm, to the moment I put him to bed around 9pm.
I say 'better mom' because she was telling me a story about her sister-in-law, who is now a better mom because she got a new vehicle, and it makes her happy, and therefore made her a better mom. I cried so much on the way home, I ended up taking an ativan to sleep, and started taking my lexapro again, just because, I feel like I am running in a rat wheel sometimes.

I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel successful to me. Yes of course I do sometimes, but man it really hit me hard Saturday, mostly because I wish I had the one thing the two of them have, that no matter how hard I work....I'll never get ~ just more time with my child.

And for one of many times I am sure, I will wonder, am I doing good enough for him? What about future children? Are they lacking for me not being able to be home. I don't know, it was just the ease and grace one of my friends had while we all were grazing around her home and I thought, "wow".... what a wonderful world for her and her children. I can't image waking up leisurely, and my children doing to so as well, and off for a day of play in the yard, and snacks, and cartoons, or a trip to the park!!! What an adventure!

So,...if anyone knows a way to cheat and give me the winning lottery ticket numbers,....I'll gladly share with you. :)

On another note, I did just now, at this moment find out that I have court facing the EX, on June 24, at 8:00.......63 days from now.

A Small Thank You

I just wanted to take some time, to say thank you....

There are just a handful of friends, people in my real world, here who read this blog, and there are a handful of people whom have wandered on my blog from places like Ms.SingleMama's site or other one's that I frequent.....and all the other's that show up on my stat counter....I just don't know, but to everyone...

Thank You All So Much! ! !

I know some people may think it crazy for me to be putting all my 'issues' out on the internet, for strangers to read, but it really is cathartic for me. Then some people say do it in private. And I say, it's other's people's points of view, that sometimes pull me out of my own, and help me put situations more into perspective.

And I know,....that I have mostly been beating a dead horse lately, with my talk about the Ex and Dingo,...but it's just one of those things I have to let out.

I can't wait to have some sort of resolution to this all.

I do want to start the forgiveness process...but I feel like I can't, until it's over, and I know that they aren't going to be throwing anymore punches.

I am super glad that it is Friday, because that means that The Doodle's and I will head out to Austin tomorrow to visit Z & T and I can't wait!!!

T you need to call me today!!!!!

oh...and I am not taking Lexapro anymore... I did for 2 or 3 days...and I couldn't tolerate the headache it gave me. But I feel fine...and I think when the court stuff erupts, the ativan I have will help.....

I should know something next week about a court date....