So obviously, I went to the movies last night. Boyfriend and I went to see I am Legend, and wow, it was every bit as good as I wanted it to be, and better, made for a decent night out.
I have to say decent because I noticed something that I think can be very important, but for some reason, it was large last night, it made me take notice.
Boyfriend kind of has a negative outlook. I have always shrugged it off as: he doesn't like some of his co-workers (and I can't blame him there), hates being so far away from his family, can't have a "normal" dating life with me, etc. Every time we go out, and something does not go right he always always always makes statements like: "my plans never work, everything falls apart when I plan something, etc." Last night was no different, unfortunately. I was super excited about having my child and fur-child free night. My boss, actually even let me off early at 3 o'clock because we were slow, wait, non-existent at the office.
My evening started with me getting home around 4, taking a small nap, bathing and getting ready for our date. Sometimes, I get the feeling, he gets upset if I don't tell him every finite detail of my life, which really annoys me, but I wave it off. For instance, I didn't tell him I got off early, mostly because I didn't want to be bombarded with text messages or phones calls of "what u doin?" Anyway, we got dressed and headed to the theater for our 7:50 movie, we were about an hour early, so we started to Joe's Crab Shack for appetizers. I thought, "lets just sit at the bar, (somewhere I obviously can't sit with doodlebug) that way it'll be faster. We sit down, I ordered a draft beer, he a coke, and ordered our appetizers, this is where the "feeling" started. I already felt like the negativity's were about to flow....and they did. It started with the folks smoking near us, no, I didn't like it either, but I was OUT and at a bar! Whoo hoo! Then his coke didn't taste right, probably had too much syrup or carbonation, whatever....but he refused to ask for something else, and instead, just keep complaining to me. Then some people arrived and started smoking behind us and ordered their food, not appetizers but food, and got served. Apparently, the lady's order was not even ordered (but forgotten )and our bartender apologized and got her food ordered and brought out, and ours (30+ minutes later) still hadn't been brought. So after all the complaining, and just not pleasant mood, we decided to pay our tab and leave. I, was frankly tired about hearing about the coke anyway.
We got to the theater, and he ordered a popcorn, we walked over to the butter and poured butter on it, and then i shook some ( a very little actually) of that butter salt on it, I've seen him do it before, and thought why not. I'll tell you why. He doesn't like it. It's too salty. So he pouted. As we sat down, he wouldn't even hold the bag. I finally had to clear off the top of the popcorn all the while he was saying stuff like, "everything else has turned to $hit in my hands tonight"...and this is where, I am sick of hearing all of it.
I can't stand his negativity. This my freakin night out!!!! I finally pour popcorn into my hands and he finally says...is it all off? grr... whatever. He complains so much and so often about us not being able to going out, and now, this night, he can't focus on the fact.....that WE ARE OUT.
Then the previews start, and he has drank most of our coke, and I say something about maybe running to the bathroom before the previews start and he wants me to refill the coke. However, the previews start, and I stay seated, I love the previews. Well, the movie breaks, and we are all sitting there, more to complain about. The man gets up to go to the restroom, and doesn't take the coke, whatever. Finally the previews start back up, and i get the urge. Some Batman preview comes on (that i don't care about) and I decide this is my moment to make a mad dash for the restroom and go,....but guess what I get when I get back...."thanks for refiling the coke, butthead" I know this was suppose to be in jest, but they aren't, they never are, or at least that is how they come across, I am pretending to make this a joke, but deep down I mean it.
Anyway, we finally get to watch the movie and it is GREAT! LOVED IT, WANT TO BUY IT.
I guess my point in all of this is.............
I am trying really really hard, to stay in a positive mood of life. Surround myself with things that are, well, positive. I have enough of my own self induce negative or bad days, I don't need anyone else's. So when you have someone next to you, who is negative, and pouting over the wrong things (like salty popcorn)....it just puts you in a bad mood.
I almost forgot to mention that he asked me if I wanted him to spend the night at my house tonight, and I said, "No". You would have thought i just shot his dog by the look I got. I tried to explain, "I haven't had a night alone to myself, with no responsibilities in OVER 3 years, this night is mine"..... So I think I've gotten twice, "so what are you going to do, what are your plans".... he is so worried i am going to "do" something, it drives me insane. So I finally told him, "Pack for New Orleans, clean my house, take a shower, paint my toenails, and maybe even watch something like The Notebook."
let's see how many times he
a) calls
b) txts........
I think I will turn my phone off at 7 or so... just so that it is quite.
I am so excited about tonight, that I just dont know what to do with myself.....
But to the part about me being a Legend:
I have been listening to various self helpish audio books like, The Secret and Become a Better You.
The both have a lot of common things, and that is mainly, to have a better more positive life, you have to be a better more positive person, and I want that desperately.
I want to be someone.
I want to do things.
I want to teach my child(ren) how to find who they are early in life, and learn to love our world and all the precious things in it. How to overcome dissappointment, and not only live through it, but learn from it and use it.
On days like today, my chest feels puffed and full of air, because I feel capable. I feel motivated. I am going to push myself to do the things I still dream of. I am young, and I am still vibrate and I can still dream and I can still do.
Today is a good day. I will enjoy today, and I will thank the Lord for giving it to me to enjoy.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas is over,...whew, we made it
Wow... I made it through the first Christmas my son actually could understand "Santa", and presents, and all the fun stuff.
In my head, I want the 2.2, white picket fence, dog, etc. However, what I have at the moment, does not include the white picket fence, I have one child, a (white) dog, and a boyfriend. Not quite there, but hey, at least I'm closer right?
So, I decided a long time ago, that I wanted so much more for my son, than I had. What I mean by that is: I'm going to hug him, alot, because my mom just never did that. I want him to know, that Mommy is there, and wants to be included in his little life, and I want us to do things together. I also wanted to start 'traditions', because that was also something I didn't have.
So in this grand scheme of ideas, I thought, "let's make cookies for Santa!" Thinking, how much fun it would be to actually cut cookies and decorate them, would be soooo much fun!!! But, we drove back to my mom's for the holiday, and were just super short on time, I thought, we'll just get premade cookie dough, roll it out...and that way, we've short cut lots of steps. This wasn't the best idea. The dough, was too soft, and we had the hardest time! Then to make matters worse, apparently the premade cookie dough super expands in the oven, so all the time you just spent on the cut outs... have just turned into big blobs that do not resemble the shapes we just made. So in a made dash after we took them out of the oven, boyfriend and I recut the shapes, and ended up with 3 bags of excess cookie stuff that we handed out on Christmas Day to my brother, nieces and nephews with a smile. At least we crack ourselves up. I'm not even going to comment on the decorating, because we were awful at that too.... but I think, when we stay at home next year, we will try it again, I just have to definitely have to study up on it. That or resort to something like, just plain chocolate chip or snickerdoodles, no shapes to be cut!
I would be lying if I said, that the 'others' didn't creep into my mind at all in the last 24 hours, because they did. I can't help on some days but to think: "I wonder, if there is any human emotion (self-less of course) that would spur them to send any kind of financial support, this month of Christmas, to help with the child, he(they) are about to write off forever.....
Nope. Not a penny. But her myspace tag reads: "I got pink and brown golf clubs for Christmas!!!! Thanks baby:):):)"
awww...isn't that sweet. This is ANOTHER prime moment when I have to take deep breaths and tell myself, I have the PRICELESS gift. I have the baby. WE HAVE EACH OTHER. And we have a love far greater than that of anything that can be bought.
And yes,... I know I shouldn't look at things like that. And I do less and less. Recovering from a habit is a step by step thing. I won't be able to stop just like that. But I am getting better at it.
I have a grand total of $0.52 in my checking account, and $2.69 in my savings. Gotta make it through until the 31st, which is payday. I can do this.
My daddy is watching the furchild for the remainder of the week for me, and my mother is watching my son for me. And thank goodness for that. Obviously I can't afford day care this week at $175. And, well, I might get some me time. I say might, because my boyfriend wants to do stuff...and i want to do stuff too. I spent the night with him last night, and will tonight, after we go see a movie. yea! But I have already claimed thursday night as MINE! He is taking me to New Orleans, for New Year's to meet up with one of his friends, his sister and her husband, so I need to pack thursday for the weekend, ...and just have some time to myself.
He dropped me off at home last night so I could get things together to spend the night with him and pick up my truck, and my house was so eerie without the noise of my son, and my dog. I bolted out of there not long after he backed out of my driveway. I hope I dont' freak out thursday! It's weird, because I daydream of having quite alone time, and I had about 3 mintues of it last night, and was so weirded out, I ran out the door.
This morning on my way to work, I thought alot. I do that alot on my way to work. I listened to my Joel Osteen audio book, disc 4 to be exact, and keep thinking, how do you stop from letting bad thoughts enter your mind. I know that they are what is poisonous to you, but how do you just shut them out?
Augh....
ok.......It's not a bad day, it's just not a great day, if you know what I mean.
Ok...shaking it off.
Can't walk today, it's raining :(
I need to read for awhile. Do something productive.
In my head, I want the 2.2, white picket fence, dog, etc. However, what I have at the moment, does not include the white picket fence, I have one child, a (white) dog, and a boyfriend. Not quite there, but hey, at least I'm closer right?
So, I decided a long time ago, that I wanted so much more for my son, than I had. What I mean by that is: I'm going to hug him, alot, because my mom just never did that. I want him to know, that Mommy is there, and wants to be included in his little life, and I want us to do things together. I also wanted to start 'traditions', because that was also something I didn't have.
So in this grand scheme of ideas, I thought, "let's make cookies for Santa!" Thinking, how much fun it would be to actually cut cookies and decorate them, would be soooo much fun!!! But, we drove back to my mom's for the holiday, and were just super short on time, I thought, we'll just get premade cookie dough, roll it out...and that way, we've short cut lots of steps. This wasn't the best idea. The dough, was too soft, and we had the hardest time! Then to make matters worse, apparently the premade cookie dough super expands in the oven, so all the time you just spent on the cut outs... have just turned into big blobs that do not resemble the shapes we just made. So in a made dash after we took them out of the oven, boyfriend and I recut the shapes, and ended up with 3 bags of excess cookie stuff that we handed out on Christmas Day to my brother, nieces and nephews with a smile. At least we crack ourselves up. I'm not even going to comment on the decorating, because we were awful at that too.... but I think, when we stay at home next year, we will try it again, I just have to definitely have to study up on it. That or resort to something like, just plain chocolate chip or snickerdoodles, no shapes to be cut!
I would be lying if I said, that the 'others' didn't creep into my mind at all in the last 24 hours, because they did. I can't help on some days but to think: "I wonder, if there is any human emotion (self-less of course) that would spur them to send any kind of financial support, this month of Christmas, to help with the child, he(they) are about to write off forever.....
Nope. Not a penny. But her myspace tag reads: "I got pink and brown golf clubs for Christmas!!!! Thanks baby:):):)"
awww...isn't that sweet. This is ANOTHER prime moment when I have to take deep breaths and tell myself, I have the PRICELESS gift. I have the baby. WE HAVE EACH OTHER. And we have a love far greater than that of anything that can be bought.
And yes,... I know I shouldn't look at things like that. And I do less and less. Recovering from a habit is a step by step thing. I won't be able to stop just like that. But I am getting better at it.
I have a grand total of $0.52 in my checking account, and $2.69 in my savings. Gotta make it through until the 31st, which is payday. I can do this.
My daddy is watching the furchild for the remainder of the week for me, and my mother is watching my son for me. And thank goodness for that. Obviously I can't afford day care this week at $175. And, well, I might get some me time. I say might, because my boyfriend wants to do stuff...and i want to do stuff too. I spent the night with him last night, and will tonight, after we go see a movie. yea! But I have already claimed thursday night as MINE! He is taking me to New Orleans, for New Year's to meet up with one of his friends, his sister and her husband, so I need to pack thursday for the weekend, ...and just have some time to myself.
He dropped me off at home last night so I could get things together to spend the night with him and pick up my truck, and my house was so eerie without the noise of my son, and my dog. I bolted out of there not long after he backed out of my driveway. I hope I dont' freak out thursday! It's weird, because I daydream of having quite alone time, and I had about 3 mintues of it last night, and was so weirded out, I ran out the door.
This morning on my way to work, I thought alot. I do that alot on my way to work. I listened to my Joel Osteen audio book, disc 4 to be exact, and keep thinking, how do you stop from letting bad thoughts enter your mind. I know that they are what is poisonous to you, but how do you just shut them out?
Augh....
ok.......It's not a bad day, it's just not a great day, if you know what I mean.
Ok...shaking it off.
Can't walk today, it's raining :(
I need to read for awhile. Do something productive.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
A Walk In the Sun
My dad, called me just ten minutes before my lunch break.
He knew how upset I was last night, about the whole "fatherless child" statement.
He went to my attorney's office this morning, and called me to give me what I consider, GREAT NEWS.
He said, the my judge has decided to grant the termination of parental rights, in my case, as an exception to the law. All we need now is for 'him' to sign the legal documents, and my attorney will present them in court, and be done with it.
So with this information, I took a 45 minute walk around the upscale neighborhood, that surrounds my office. The sun is shinning in real life, and in my heart. Now I realize, that yes, I will be a little more financially strapped, since I will be carrying my son on my insurance, and we have one of those bulk plans, where it doesn't matter if you carry 1 child or 6, but so be it. It is a small price to pay for my happiness, and my child never suffering the pain of a sometimes parent.
I like the walk I have around this neighborhood. Like I said earlier, it's upsale, but the homes are older, which I just love. It gives them character, and I can't help me think of how much motivation it has the possibility of being for me. I look at the yards, and grade them on their "lay-ability", (yes I made that word up). In my perfect dream, I would have a nice house, with great grass outside, that if I wanted to , we could just lay in it, and enjoy the weather, pick shapes out of the clouds, whatever, so that is how I judge the yards ;).
I am in a much much better mood.
And thank goodness, it couldn't have come at a better time.
He knew how upset I was last night, about the whole "fatherless child" statement.
He went to my attorney's office this morning, and called me to give me what I consider, GREAT NEWS.
He said, the my judge has decided to grant the termination of parental rights, in my case, as an exception to the law. All we need now is for 'him' to sign the legal documents, and my attorney will present them in court, and be done with it.
So with this information, I took a 45 minute walk around the upscale neighborhood, that surrounds my office. The sun is shinning in real life, and in my heart. Now I realize, that yes, I will be a little more financially strapped, since I will be carrying my son on my insurance, and we have one of those bulk plans, where it doesn't matter if you carry 1 child or 6, but so be it. It is a small price to pay for my happiness, and my child never suffering the pain of a sometimes parent.
I like the walk I have around this neighborhood. Like I said earlier, it's upsale, but the homes are older, which I just love. It gives them character, and I can't help me think of how much motivation it has the possibility of being for me. I look at the yards, and grade them on their "lay-ability", (yes I made that word up). In my perfect dream, I would have a nice house, with great grass outside, that if I wanted to , we could just lay in it, and enjoy the weather, pick shapes out of the clouds, whatever, so that is how I judge the yards ;).
I am in a much much better mood.
And thank goodness, it couldn't have come at a better time.
A bad day already, woke up this way
So yesterday, is actually when it started.
I talk about forgiving 'someone', but on some days like yesterday, and today still, it is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, well not really, but you get the idea.
This 'someone' is the person, my son actually as some point has to call his biological father. This someone, doesn't pay child support, and hasn't seen my son in well over 2 years, and he's 3 years old. That part doesn't bother me. What bothers me, is looking at my bank account. Today, I have $140.31 in my checking, and $115.69 in savings. Friday, $106 of that will automatically come out, for repayment of the loan I took out for my RN nursing manuels. I need groceries. Soon, I'll need gas for my car to get to work and back. I also need $175 for the last week of Daycare this month. Hmmm, can you see where I am frustrated???
Do you know what his 'wife's' myspace comment says??? She is soooooooooooooo ready for Christmas!!!!! yeah, cause I am sure, she has the luxury of buying Christmas presents. She herself has stated on myspace before that her and her best friend, "go out alot".....
So she's kind of sitting pretty, having a great time, and I am worrying about how I am going to keep my son in daycare, and even feed him.
I am frustrated because at our last court date, after fighting with me all day over the amount of child support he wanted to pay versus what the state says he should pay, he went to my attorney's office, and decided he would rather terminate his parental rights, rather than pay child support. Coming from a man who just hours before made this statement, "well some months, my company makes $200,00 a month".....and yet, zero of that makes its way to pay child support. Sad world isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think termination is the best thing for us. As of right now, the judge is leaning toward, not allowing it because they don't want to create a "father-less child"....
What a joke right? What do you call him at this very moment? No child support. The "father" doesn't exercise any kind of visitation. He is in fact, a "father-less" child.... who has a daddy.
My boyfriend, has played 'daddy' just about since the day he met him over a year and a half ago.
So no. When will the court, and the states start standing up for our children, rather than make up a silly statement like "we dont' want to create a father-less child", news break,....the court isn't creating one, the man who donated, and the wife who literally takes food out of this baby's mouth to pay her bar tab, and tips her manicurist creates the father-less child in this scenario.
Then I start think about so many things, and my mind becomes a cloud of sadness, and feeling like a failure.
I feel like I have failed myself, because I am a struggling single mom.
I feel like I have failed my son, because people make statements about him being a father-less child.
I feel like I have failed 'my family' because we live in a garage apartment, with no yard for him to really play in, because that is all I can afford.
I feel like I am a failure, because my son is wearing clothes that are acutally just a little bit too small *but still work* because I can't afford to buy him new ones.
I feel like I am a failure because, I dont' have time or the energy to be a great girlfriend. I don't have anyone (or the money) to watch my son, so my boyfriend and I can acutally "date".
I guess over all, I am just having a bad day.
So now it's 9:33
and I just went and looked at my own myspace page, which is something I rarely do.
And I am smiling.
I have slideshows of me, and my son. And what I see is a happy baby. One with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. A baby who knows that he is loved. A baby who knows his mommy is and has always been there for him. I may feel like a failure in so many ways, but when I think about the sound of his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes, and that smile on his face, or the adorable way he says, "Mommy, you are my friend." or "I wuv you Mommy", then I know, I have done something right.
This is where I need to take a deep breath, stop trying to rush through my days, and start enjoying the wonderful things I DO have.
I talk about forgiving 'someone', but on some days like yesterday, and today still, it is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, well not really, but you get the idea.
This 'someone' is the person, my son actually as some point has to call his biological father. This someone, doesn't pay child support, and hasn't seen my son in well over 2 years, and he's 3 years old. That part doesn't bother me. What bothers me, is looking at my bank account. Today, I have $140.31 in my checking, and $115.69 in savings. Friday, $106 of that will automatically come out, for repayment of the loan I took out for my RN nursing manuels. I need groceries. Soon, I'll need gas for my car to get to work and back. I also need $175 for the last week of Daycare this month. Hmmm, can you see where I am frustrated???
Do you know what his 'wife's' myspace comment says??? She is soooooooooooooo ready for Christmas!!!!! yeah, cause I am sure, she has the luxury of buying Christmas presents. She herself has stated on myspace before that her and her best friend, "go out alot".....
So she's kind of sitting pretty, having a great time, and I am worrying about how I am going to keep my son in daycare, and even feed him.
I am frustrated because at our last court date, after fighting with me all day over the amount of child support he wanted to pay versus what the state says he should pay, he went to my attorney's office, and decided he would rather terminate his parental rights, rather than pay child support. Coming from a man who just hours before made this statement, "well some months, my company makes $200,00 a month".....and yet, zero of that makes its way to pay child support. Sad world isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think termination is the best thing for us. As of right now, the judge is leaning toward, not allowing it because they don't want to create a "father-less child"....
What a joke right? What do you call him at this very moment? No child support. The "father" doesn't exercise any kind of visitation. He is in fact, a "father-less" child.... who has a daddy.
My boyfriend, has played 'daddy' just about since the day he met him over a year and a half ago.
So no. When will the court, and the states start standing up for our children, rather than make up a silly statement like "we dont' want to create a father-less child", news break,....the court isn't creating one, the man who donated, and the wife who literally takes food out of this baby's mouth to pay her bar tab, and tips her manicurist creates the father-less child in this scenario.
Then I start think about so many things, and my mind becomes a cloud of sadness, and feeling like a failure.
I feel like I have failed myself, because I am a struggling single mom.
I feel like I have failed my son, because people make statements about him being a father-less child.
I feel like I have failed 'my family' because we live in a garage apartment, with no yard for him to really play in, because that is all I can afford.
I feel like I am a failure, because my son is wearing clothes that are acutally just a little bit too small *but still work* because I can't afford to buy him new ones.
I feel like I am a failure because, I dont' have time or the energy to be a great girlfriend. I don't have anyone (or the money) to watch my son, so my boyfriend and I can acutally "date".
I guess over all, I am just having a bad day.
So now it's 9:33
and I just went and looked at my own myspace page, which is something I rarely do.
And I am smiling.
I have slideshows of me, and my son. And what I see is a happy baby. One with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. A baby who knows that he is loved. A baby who knows his mommy is and has always been there for him. I may feel like a failure in so many ways, but when I think about the sound of his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes, and that smile on his face, or the adorable way he says, "Mommy, you are my friend." or "I wuv you Mommy", then I know, I have done something right.
This is where I need to take a deep breath, stop trying to rush through my days, and start enjoying the wonderful things I DO have.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
A new day, again
ok... so wow, it's almost been 2 weeks since i started this? Really? I had a super rough week last week, and i just never found the time or want to, to write about it.
But things are looking better after an emotional blow-up on sunday. But I am human, and we all deserve bad days.
With that being said, I am happy(ier) on most days, but the funny thing is, I found myself gettting angry this morning in traffic with one of those "I just wish I could tell them off" moods. How these things creep into my brain at the moments they do will always amaze me. Then I remind myself, I am having a good day, don't ruin it by thinking of those two selfish a$$holes.
I didn't have too much of a problem getting out of bed this morning like I did yesterday, but it wasnt' below freezing either. So I got up, put my scrubs on, I work for a doctor, a surgeon. And he said, I could wear business casual to work, which that idea seemed so fun, until I started doing it. And now, I am slowly transforming back into my scrubs, because well they are more comfortable, easy and cheap upkeep, and well, as a nurse, I personally just feel more professional in scrubs that I do in "street clothes". Anyway, I got out of bed, and I made my coffee, turned on the news, stetched, and then took the dog out for a walk.
I've decided that since I can't afford a gym membership right now, to try to start setting my clock back by about 10 mintues, which would start my alarms at 4:50. That way my son can still sleep, and I can get the chubby dog out for a small wake-us jog in the morning, down to the end of the street and back twice. Also, I have mapped out a 2 mile walk at work, which will be my lunch break. Good excercise, and good from keeping me from going to the Mall across the street and trying to buy things I can't afford.
This morning, I had a piece of whole wheat toast with some strawberry jam when I woke up with my coffee at around 5:15.
When I got to work 3 hours later i made some Quaker oatmeal which exploded in the work microwave. Didn't know it would do that. So I remade my oatmeal, and squished a small bananna up in it. yummy. Not as good as the Quaker Bananna's and cream instant...but I got more, and it wasnt' bad.
Doc has left to go do rounds at the hospital, my secretary has called in, her daughter is sick. I am trying to study some of my nursing material, so I can take my next test in January. I am an LVN, who is studying to get my RN through Excelsior. I was hoping to be done by this month, December 2006. Sadly, LVN's do the same work as RN's (except supposedly we can't do assessments, however I can't tell you how many I have done, so my "superbusy" charge could sit at the computer, and then come tag her name to it, by finishing the last few questions) and make waaaaaaaay less. As a single mom, who wasn't getting child support, unless it was literally being taken by the attorney general by ways of liens, garnishment, of raiding bank accounts, making our every day life needs financially was overpowering, and I just haven't had the extra $232 it takes to take an exam. I am smart enough for sure. I could have zipped right through, but I can't afford it, and pay all my bills, and feed my child at the same time. It is a vicious circle for sure. Working as an LVN, I can barely make ends meet , if at all. However, I can't afford to do the things I need to do to get my RN, where I can make more money. But my mom, is going to pay for my next test, and I am planning on asking for a 6 month forbearance on paying my student loans back, which are $205.11 a month. That way, I can take my tests, and get that over with.
Here is where my choice to be in a good mood and thinking positively HAS to come into play. And I am choosing to be more optimistic and know that I will get there, I will get my RN, and i will make more money to support me, and my child. Because he deserves it, and so do I.
Anyway, I am back to reading about blood disorders, and cardio disorders, fun fun fun!
But things are looking better after an emotional blow-up on sunday. But I am human, and we all deserve bad days.
With that being said, I am happy(ier) on most days, but the funny thing is, I found myself gettting angry this morning in traffic with one of those "I just wish I could tell them off" moods. How these things creep into my brain at the moments they do will always amaze me. Then I remind myself, I am having a good day, don't ruin it by thinking of those two selfish a$$holes.
I didn't have too much of a problem getting out of bed this morning like I did yesterday, but it wasnt' below freezing either. So I got up, put my scrubs on, I work for a doctor, a surgeon. And he said, I could wear business casual to work, which that idea seemed so fun, until I started doing it. And now, I am slowly transforming back into my scrubs, because well they are more comfortable, easy and cheap upkeep, and well, as a nurse, I personally just feel more professional in scrubs that I do in "street clothes". Anyway, I got out of bed, and I made my coffee, turned on the news, stetched, and then took the dog out for a walk.
I've decided that since I can't afford a gym membership right now, to try to start setting my clock back by about 10 mintues, which would start my alarms at 4:50. That way my son can still sleep, and I can get the chubby dog out for a small wake-us jog in the morning, down to the end of the street and back twice. Also, I have mapped out a 2 mile walk at work, which will be my lunch break. Good excercise, and good from keeping me from going to the Mall across the street and trying to buy things I can't afford.
This morning, I had a piece of whole wheat toast with some strawberry jam when I woke up with my coffee at around 5:15.
When I got to work 3 hours later i made some Quaker oatmeal which exploded in the work microwave. Didn't know it would do that. So I remade my oatmeal, and squished a small bananna up in it. yummy. Not as good as the Quaker Bananna's and cream instant...but I got more, and it wasnt' bad.
Doc has left to go do rounds at the hospital, my secretary has called in, her daughter is sick. I am trying to study some of my nursing material, so I can take my next test in January. I am an LVN, who is studying to get my RN through Excelsior. I was hoping to be done by this month, December 2006. Sadly, LVN's do the same work as RN's (except supposedly we can't do assessments, however I can't tell you how many I have done, so my "superbusy" charge could sit at the computer, and then come tag her name to it, by finishing the last few questions) and make waaaaaaaay less. As a single mom, who wasn't getting child support, unless it was literally being taken by the attorney general by ways of liens, garnishment, of raiding bank accounts, making our every day life needs financially was overpowering, and I just haven't had the extra $232 it takes to take an exam. I am smart enough for sure. I could have zipped right through, but I can't afford it, and pay all my bills, and feed my child at the same time. It is a vicious circle for sure. Working as an LVN, I can barely make ends meet , if at all. However, I can't afford to do the things I need to do to get my RN, where I can make more money. But my mom, is going to pay for my next test, and I am planning on asking for a 6 month forbearance on paying my student loans back, which are $205.11 a month. That way, I can take my tests, and get that over with.
Here is where my choice to be in a good mood and thinking positively HAS to come into play. And I am choosing to be more optimistic and know that I will get there, I will get my RN, and i will make more money to support me, and my child. Because he deserves it, and so do I.
Anyway, I am back to reading about blood disorders, and cardio disorders, fun fun fun!
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Yeah! I stuck to the plan, mostly!!
Ok....
So, my boyfriend, asked if I would rather him just come to my house, and trying not to sound too excited, reluctantly said, yeah, I guess so.
So he met me, and doodlebug as we drove up, we went inside and changed clothes and grabbed the pooch! The park was nice, not too much of a crowd, the only thing is one whole side is not lit up at all, so I am not sure if it is somewhere I would like to be in the dark by myself, but boyfriend really enjoyed and suggested we do it tonight too, Yea!!!
As for dinner.... didn't go as well as I would have liked. I had a box of Balsalmic vinegarette pasta,....and didn't realize I actually needed vinegar to cook it, so I used pasta classic in a box, and it as actually decent. I grilled some chicken that I cut into pieces and then added it to the pasta. Boyfriend decided to cook the eggplant, but after re-reading the instructions online today, I realized that we used waaaay too much olive oil. The meal still ended up ok, and felt alot healthier than hamburgers and fries...or cookies and milk ;)
As for tonight, I have no idea what to make...going to puruse the internet some see if I can find any good ideas. Going to the park again tonight!
ahhh....
so today has been one of those days at the office.
I'm bored.
So I keep eating, but not too bad.
Mostly everything today has been healthy: toast with peanut butter, oatmeal, yogurt, turkey sandwich, that type of stuff....but I've spread it out through the day so I guess it feels like I have been eating literally all day long......
That and I am trying to keep my mind off of certain things. Things to which I hope with come and go, signed sealed and delivered. Which will also go hand in hand with all that forgiveness I keep talking about.
But,...it keeps me thinking, what's going on today? What new news is there? I can't help but think today, "It must be really inexpensive to go out and drink and stuff in (well I just say somewhere more North than here)....because I know a certain someone who claims to be broke.........but has the money to go out all the freaking time!" Amazes me.
See this is the point where I should be doing some forgiving...........
Instead, I am going to put my nose back into my books and wait for the next thing I have to do at work today :)
4:47
I'm tired. The thought of being outside in the dark and cold.....not sounding appealing right now. Think Boyfriend is staying at his house tonight......which means....I will probably cook dinner and be lazy on the couch.........hmmmmmmmmmm
So, my boyfriend, asked if I would rather him just come to my house, and trying not to sound too excited, reluctantly said, yeah, I guess so.
So he met me, and doodlebug as we drove up, we went inside and changed clothes and grabbed the pooch! The park was nice, not too much of a crowd, the only thing is one whole side is not lit up at all, so I am not sure if it is somewhere I would like to be in the dark by myself, but boyfriend really enjoyed and suggested we do it tonight too, Yea!!!
As for dinner.... didn't go as well as I would have liked. I had a box of Balsalmic vinegarette pasta,....and didn't realize I actually needed vinegar to cook it, so I used pasta classic in a box, and it as actually decent. I grilled some chicken that I cut into pieces and then added it to the pasta. Boyfriend decided to cook the eggplant, but after re-reading the instructions online today, I realized that we used waaaay too much olive oil. The meal still ended up ok, and felt alot healthier than hamburgers and fries...or cookies and milk ;)
As for tonight, I have no idea what to make...going to puruse the internet some see if I can find any good ideas. Going to the park again tonight!
ahhh....
so today has been one of those days at the office.
I'm bored.
So I keep eating, but not too bad.
Mostly everything today has been healthy: toast with peanut butter, oatmeal, yogurt, turkey sandwich, that type of stuff....but I've spread it out through the day so I guess it feels like I have been eating literally all day long......
That and I am trying to keep my mind off of certain things. Things to which I hope with come and go, signed sealed and delivered. Which will also go hand in hand with all that forgiveness I keep talking about.
But,...it keeps me thinking, what's going on today? What new news is there? I can't help but think today, "It must be really inexpensive to go out and drink and stuff in (well I just say somewhere more North than here)....because I know a certain someone who claims to be broke.........but has the money to go out all the freaking time!" Amazes me.
See this is the point where I should be doing some forgiving...........
Instead, I am going to put my nose back into my books and wait for the next thing I have to do at work today :)
4:47
I'm tired. The thought of being outside in the dark and cold.....not sounding appealing right now. Think Boyfriend is staying at his house tonight......which means....I will probably cook dinner and be lazy on the couch.........hmmmmmmmmmm
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Ideas of a new life (past and present)
ok, so I am not the healthiest person, actually I'm not even in the ballpark of healthy.
I have sparking ideas of being healthy but as a single mom, sometimes healthy doesnt' fit into the budget, the time, or the energy plan for the day.
I am 5'3" and as of today, I weigh 134.0 lbs at 29 years old. Am I over weight? No. Could I be better, yes, but then again, what real people couldn't ( I don't count celebrities who talk about how easy it was to lose the baby weight, when they have the time and money to exercise all day or have trainers and cooks, blah blah blah).
Anyway, I have a friend, who since having children, has become a little nutsy in the dieting department, (God bless her I love her, but she can do this because she is a stay at home mom-so she does lots of research on trends) but she recently sent me a link to http://www.katheats.blogspot.com/ and I have actually found it interesting.
Mostly because she and I are about the same size. I don't have as much weight to lose as she did in the beginning, but I like the pictures of her food, except for the cheesy stuff. I don't like cheese, not even on my pizza. No, before you ask, I am NOT lactose intolerant, I am cheese intolerant, I don't like the way it tastes, it smells, yuk, i guess it is genetic, my grandmother didn't eat cheese either. My son isn't the biggest fan, but at least he eats it on pizza.
Anyway, I have been checking out this lady's blog. I started yesterday. And thought, I'll keep it in mind. Lunch yesterday, was way too much cheeseless pepperoni Papa John's pizza with that devilish garlic butter sauce. So needless to say..........I was full for the rest of the day. I picked doodlebug ( my son, sometimes I will call him my cuppycake or booger-bear) from school, and asked my 3 year old what he wanted for dinner. His reply? "Chips, and a poptart." Ok, I am not healthy, but I am not THAT unhealthy. After fighting my long commute on the tollway in Houston, TX home, being too full from lunch, I didn't feel like cooking. So, he halfway got his wish. As I let him watch The Polar Express while I took sugar-bear (my dog...not his real name) out to use the bathroom, he got to munch on a sandwich , and chips, and very watered down hot chocolate (like that makes it "better" for him?????). When we got back in , I had..... ChipsAhoy chocolate chip cookies and milk. I know. But just not in the mood. Doodlebug ended up having 2 cookies and milk for dessert.
So after that whole life changing (you know what I mean) meeting with my pastor this weekend, I've been making mental notes on all the way's I want to change my life.
I've started waking up at 5 a.m. to start my day. If I actually get out of bed at 5 (which I didnt' do today) I have time to wake up and start my day slowly, being able to breath along the way. I get up, turn the coffee maker on, turn the news on, sit on the floor and stretch, take the pooch out for his morning business, figure out our breakfasts, and what to take to work for lunch, and get mostly dressed before I wake booger-bear up around 6:20. We have to be out of the door, in the car, and backing up out of the drive way at 6:40. However, I am trying to back this up even 10 more mintues. Its funny how 5-10 minutes can make or break your commute in Houston. I learned last Friday, that if I leave 10 minutes earlier, I can drive the beltway the entire way to work and save $3.00 a day in tolls. I know $3.00 a day doesn't sound like much, but round-trip that is $6.00 a day, plus gas, and as a single mom, doing it all by myself, you save money wherever you can. So, 10 minutes earlier will continue to be the goal. And I like the little bit of "me time" in the morning.
"Me time" what a funny concept. Of all the unsolicited advice and comments you get as a pregnant woman, I have one that sticks out in my memory all the time. I worked with a single mom named Bernadette. She was actually the first and only single mom I knew. She said something to me one day that I laughed at, but think about all the time now. Don't ask me why, because I can't remember, but we were somehow talking about baths. Yes, I am a bath girl. I love my baths. Showers are fine when you are in a hurry, or really dirty or for whatever reason, but baths are for me anyway, a delicious pleasure. Well she said, "You better enjoy your baths now, because you'll never have another alone, will never be the same." I said, "you are crazy, that is my me time, and I may have to give alot up, but not that!!!" Each and ever time I had doodlebug sitting in his swing while I took a bath, hating to hear Pop-Goes-The-Weasel one more time, I thought about what she said. Every time I thought, I'll just put him in here with me, a 2-for-1 special to hurry up and get it done with, I though what she said. Everytime I locked one door, and he came bolting through the other to see what I was doing, I thought about what she said. Everytime he comes in to say, "Whatcha doin? Holds two cars and ask me, "pick one, the silver one? the red one?" "Mommy what's that?" "It's Doodlebugs turn!" and starts stripping.... I think about her. Even now, my boyfriend has to play the ultimate defensive for me. I take a bath, and the door knob is shaking, or little knuckles are knocking on the door, and I hear, "leave your momma alone, she's taking a bath." Nope, has never been the same, I truly never get my long hot baths alone.....havent' had one in 3 years.
But that is the punch-line to being a single mom. So many of us begin it devestated because we are alone. The funny thing is, a single mom, is never alone, never. Sometimes I day dream what it would be like (again) to take a long bath, and turn the T.V. on to something non-"educational" like Lifetime Movie Network, and sit on my living room floor,.....and just paint my toe nails.
So where was I anyway before I drifted down memory lane?
Oh, getting and living healthier.
So, now I am waking up earlier, so I don't start my day in a hurry and stressed out. (AWwww, Doodlebug and mine's song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on my launchcast right now) I am saving $3.00 a day by taking the beltway instead of the toll way. And my goal for the latter part of my evening is this:
Come home, get the Furchild, go to a very well lit, park down the road from my house, let the booger-bear ride his bike, while the sugar-bear and I jog around the cement sidewalk around the tennis courts. At 6.5 human years, my about 46 doggie year pooch has definitely gained his middle age weight. I also have a super guilty conscience. I am such an outdoor person. But at this time of year, it is dark when I get home. And when you have a 3 year old, you don't go parading around in the dark with your son, no matter how big your dog is, (which at 105 lbs, heard a neighbor's screen door close this morning, and jumped, like a scared person, they way he jumped from being startled, startled me, how silly is that???) so we don't get out after work anymore, but hopefully that will change. I have to make that change. I can't afford a gym. And furchild deserves family time and exercise too, so hopefully this park idea will work. My dog, sleeps all day, on my king size bed, on top of the down feather bed, and comforter, with plently of food and water, and multiple chew toys. Guilty?? you ask. Yes, because each and everytime I walk out the door, he looks at me, ears back, head lowered, super sad puppy eyes, and makes me feel like the scum of the earth. So when I drive down the road, and see the same breed of dog, chained to a pine tree in someone's front yard with nothing other than a plastic doghouse, I tell him through thought...boy you've got it good, and just don't know it. But, I left him at 6:30 this morning, will pick doodlebug up from school, drop him off at boyfriends, go home walk sad eyed puppy, pick up clothes and stuff for dinner, movies and a sleep over at boyfriends house, while leaving sugar-bear at home....alone. I'll see him in the morning, and tomorrow night. But I still feel guilty. So...........Saturday.........I have to take him either to a dog park...or to the beach or somewhere where he can run free, and tire himself to another week, while I work. He's a pampered big dog. I can't shouldn't feel guilty about that right?
So about dinner tonight, because of that blogspot, on my lunch break, I bought chicken, and eggplant for dinner tonight. I am not sure how we are going to cook it, but I'll let you know tomorrow. I am going to jog some tonight.
And most importantly, I am going to love on the two men in my life, my little one, and my big one. Because of the "big" changes occuring in my life, which I will elaborate on more at some time, my romantic self has suffered. The stress caused by the two people I am in the process of learning how to forgive, has wrecked havoc in my life, and I am on the road to repair that too.
Thankfully, my boyfriend is a good, kind, strong, loving, wonderful man, and he has stood by my side through all of this............and it's his turn to held.
I have sparking ideas of being healthy but as a single mom, sometimes healthy doesnt' fit into the budget, the time, or the energy plan for the day.
I am 5'3" and as of today, I weigh 134.0 lbs at 29 years old. Am I over weight? No. Could I be better, yes, but then again, what real people couldn't ( I don't count celebrities who talk about how easy it was to lose the baby weight, when they have the time and money to exercise all day or have trainers and cooks, blah blah blah).
Anyway, I have a friend, who since having children, has become a little nutsy in the dieting department, (God bless her I love her, but she can do this because she is a stay at home mom-so she does lots of research on trends) but she recently sent me a link to http://www.katheats.blogspot.com/ and I have actually found it interesting.
Mostly because she and I are about the same size. I don't have as much weight to lose as she did in the beginning, but I like the pictures of her food, except for the cheesy stuff. I don't like cheese, not even on my pizza. No, before you ask, I am NOT lactose intolerant, I am cheese intolerant, I don't like the way it tastes, it smells, yuk, i guess it is genetic, my grandmother didn't eat cheese either. My son isn't the biggest fan, but at least he eats it on pizza.
Anyway, I have been checking out this lady's blog. I started yesterday. And thought, I'll keep it in mind. Lunch yesterday, was way too much cheeseless pepperoni Papa John's pizza with that devilish garlic butter sauce. So needless to say..........I was full for the rest of the day. I picked doodlebug ( my son, sometimes I will call him my cuppycake or booger-bear) from school, and asked my 3 year old what he wanted for dinner. His reply? "Chips, and a poptart." Ok, I am not healthy, but I am not THAT unhealthy. After fighting my long commute on the tollway in Houston, TX home, being too full from lunch, I didn't feel like cooking. So, he halfway got his wish. As I let him watch The Polar Express while I took sugar-bear (my dog...not his real name) out to use the bathroom, he got to munch on a sandwich , and chips, and very watered down hot chocolate (like that makes it "better" for him?????). When we got back in , I had..... ChipsAhoy chocolate chip cookies and milk. I know. But just not in the mood. Doodlebug ended up having 2 cookies and milk for dessert.
So after that whole life changing (you know what I mean) meeting with my pastor this weekend, I've been making mental notes on all the way's I want to change my life.
I've started waking up at 5 a.m. to start my day. If I actually get out of bed at 5 (which I didnt' do today) I have time to wake up and start my day slowly, being able to breath along the way. I get up, turn the coffee maker on, turn the news on, sit on the floor and stretch, take the pooch out for his morning business, figure out our breakfasts, and what to take to work for lunch, and get mostly dressed before I wake booger-bear up around 6:20. We have to be out of the door, in the car, and backing up out of the drive way at 6:40. However, I am trying to back this up even 10 more mintues. Its funny how 5-10 minutes can make or break your commute in Houston. I learned last Friday, that if I leave 10 minutes earlier, I can drive the beltway the entire way to work and save $3.00 a day in tolls. I know $3.00 a day doesn't sound like much, but round-trip that is $6.00 a day, plus gas, and as a single mom, doing it all by myself, you save money wherever you can. So, 10 minutes earlier will continue to be the goal. And I like the little bit of "me time" in the morning.
"Me time" what a funny concept. Of all the unsolicited advice and comments you get as a pregnant woman, I have one that sticks out in my memory all the time. I worked with a single mom named Bernadette. She was actually the first and only single mom I knew. She said something to me one day that I laughed at, but think about all the time now. Don't ask me why, because I can't remember, but we were somehow talking about baths. Yes, I am a bath girl. I love my baths. Showers are fine when you are in a hurry, or really dirty or for whatever reason, but baths are for me anyway, a delicious pleasure. Well she said, "You better enjoy your baths now, because you'll never have another alone, will never be the same." I said, "you are crazy, that is my me time, and I may have to give alot up, but not that!!!" Each and ever time I had doodlebug sitting in his swing while I took a bath, hating to hear Pop-Goes-The-Weasel one more time, I thought about what she said. Every time I thought, I'll just put him in here with me, a 2-for-1 special to hurry up and get it done with, I though what she said. Everytime I locked one door, and he came bolting through the other to see what I was doing, I thought about what she said. Everytime he comes in to say, "Whatcha doin? Holds two cars and ask me, "pick one, the silver one? the red one?" "Mommy what's that?" "It's Doodlebugs turn!" and starts stripping.... I think about her. Even now, my boyfriend has to play the ultimate defensive for me. I take a bath, and the door knob is shaking, or little knuckles are knocking on the door, and I hear, "leave your momma alone, she's taking a bath." Nope, has never been the same, I truly never get my long hot baths alone.....havent' had one in 3 years.
But that is the punch-line to being a single mom. So many of us begin it devestated because we are alone. The funny thing is, a single mom, is never alone, never. Sometimes I day dream what it would be like (again) to take a long bath, and turn the T.V. on to something non-"educational" like Lifetime Movie Network, and sit on my living room floor,.....and just paint my toe nails.
So where was I anyway before I drifted down memory lane?
Oh, getting and living healthier.
So, now I am waking up earlier, so I don't start my day in a hurry and stressed out. (AWwww, Doodlebug and mine's song "What a Wonderful World" is playing on my launchcast right now) I am saving $3.00 a day by taking the beltway instead of the toll way. And my goal for the latter part of my evening is this:
Come home, get the Furchild, go to a very well lit, park down the road from my house, let the booger-bear ride his bike, while the sugar-bear and I jog around the cement sidewalk around the tennis courts. At 6.5 human years, my about 46 doggie year pooch has definitely gained his middle age weight. I also have a super guilty conscience. I am such an outdoor person. But at this time of year, it is dark when I get home. And when you have a 3 year old, you don't go parading around in the dark with your son, no matter how big your dog is, (which at 105 lbs, heard a neighbor's screen door close this morning, and jumped, like a scared person, they way he jumped from being startled, startled me, how silly is that???) so we don't get out after work anymore, but hopefully that will change. I have to make that change. I can't afford a gym. And furchild deserves family time and exercise too, so hopefully this park idea will work. My dog, sleeps all day, on my king size bed, on top of the down feather bed, and comforter, with plently of food and water, and multiple chew toys. Guilty?? you ask. Yes, because each and everytime I walk out the door, he looks at me, ears back, head lowered, super sad puppy eyes, and makes me feel like the scum of the earth. So when I drive down the road, and see the same breed of dog, chained to a pine tree in someone's front yard with nothing other than a plastic doghouse, I tell him through thought...boy you've got it good, and just don't know it. But, I left him at 6:30 this morning, will pick doodlebug up from school, drop him off at boyfriends, go home walk sad eyed puppy, pick up clothes and stuff for dinner, movies and a sleep over at boyfriends house, while leaving sugar-bear at home....alone. I'll see him in the morning, and tomorrow night. But I still feel guilty. So...........Saturday.........I have to take him either to a dog park...or to the beach or somewhere where he can run free, and tire himself to another week, while I work. He's a pampered big dog. I can't shouldn't feel guilty about that right?
So about dinner tonight, because of that blogspot, on my lunch break, I bought chicken, and eggplant for dinner tonight. I am not sure how we are going to cook it, but I'll let you know tomorrow. I am going to jog some tonight.
And most importantly, I am going to love on the two men in my life, my little one, and my big one. Because of the "big" changes occuring in my life, which I will elaborate on more at some time, my romantic self has suffered. The stress caused by the two people I am in the process of learning how to forgive, has wrecked havoc in my life, and I am on the road to repair that too.
Thankfully, my boyfriend is a good, kind, strong, loving, wonderful man, and he has stood by my side through all of this............and it's his turn to held.
The Lesson from a Meeting. . .
Like I said originally. There are some huge new changes in my life.
Changes so huge, it has inspired me to seek help from above.
To learn forgiveness.
I had to go to my pastor, to get a better idea, and what it really was about. And I am not an every sunday church goer. I go when I can, which isn't often, especially since I have moved to Houston, but the hurt has been enough for me to go home, and find someone who can listen without being partial to the entire story. I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, I am looking for someone to listen.
I have had the hardest time trying to understand the concept of forgiveness. I keep thinking, If I forgive this person(s) then that lets them off the hook. But it doesn't. The forgiveness that I am reaching out for first and foremost, is to forgive myself.
For so long, I have held onto so much bitterness, and anger, that it has finally started affecting other really important parts of my life. I held on because somehow, you think, if I let it go, then that means that it makes what this person, or these people have done to me ok, and they aren't being punished for these things. The sad reality is though, that I am and have been the only one is has been punished. I am the only one who has held on to ALL of these hurts and remember each and every one of them. I am the only one, who is letting them interfere with my life. They aren't. They are having a jolly old good time, but really, some people just don't get it. Some people do not have a conscience, or if they do, it is overruled by their selfishness.
I was told sunday, that forgiveness is like a pyramid, it has 3 sides: Forgiveness from God, forgivess from or for yourself, and forgiveness has to be given that forgiveness has to be a maintence process.
(oh ........... my ................god..................... I have been typing for the last HOUR! AND IT DIDNT' SAVE! IT WAS DELETED AND I HAD TO SIGN BACK IN ...........................)
OK....
Just had to walk around the office and breath. Ate and afternoon snack, and decided I will type it all over, but in multiple blogs, probably safer that way.
Ok, so I was on forgiveness right?
On the maintence process, my pastor told me (which I had for some reason never thought of on my own) when you decide to forgive yourself, or someone else, it's not just a one time job. It's something that you have to do frequently. Something you have to do everytime you think of the injustice or the hurt done upon you. He said, you can finally build the courage to forgive someone (and yes, it does take alot of courage) but then you have to do it everytime there is a memory of that hurt. And at first, that hurt may be recalled daily, and in my case, sometimes multiple times daily,....but eventually, one day you will wake up, and you will have realized that you havn't thought of that in a month. I haven't even reached a week yet. So I am sure it will be awhile.
He also told me, there will be days, that are just bad days. I had one a week ago. I literally just woke up in a bad mood. I knew it the moment I woke up. I made sure to also tell everyone around me about it too. I did that because I didnt' want my boyfriend, or my secretary to take it as anything other that what it was - a bad mood. And I can lie all I want, and just say it was for no reason, but it would be that, a lie. I have bottled up hurt, hatered, anger, jealousy, and bitterness for so long, that on that morning, it just started seeping out.
So, after this long talk with my pastor. I have started the process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not really knowing better for loving someone I shouldn't have, even though I say all the "I sooooooooo knew better." Forgive myself for feeling pitty for me. Forgive myself for sometimes missing my young fun life. Forgive myself for lots of things. Past mistakes. My past in general.
In doing this, I entertain the idea of forgiving the person who turned into 2 people to have to forgive. And although I haven't done it yet, I suppose thinking about it is at the very least a step into the right direction, right? Because the mere thought of it, has made my soul feel lighter already, and that has to be a good thing. It's a work in progress for sure, but like all my new plans and ideas, it will just have to be one day at a time.
Changes so huge, it has inspired me to seek help from above.
To learn forgiveness.
I had to go to my pastor, to get a better idea, and what it really was about. And I am not an every sunday church goer. I go when I can, which isn't often, especially since I have moved to Houston, but the hurt has been enough for me to go home, and find someone who can listen without being partial to the entire story. I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, I am looking for someone to listen.
I have had the hardest time trying to understand the concept of forgiveness. I keep thinking, If I forgive this person(s) then that lets them off the hook. But it doesn't. The forgiveness that I am reaching out for first and foremost, is to forgive myself.
For so long, I have held onto so much bitterness, and anger, that it has finally started affecting other really important parts of my life. I held on because somehow, you think, if I let it go, then that means that it makes what this person, or these people have done to me ok, and they aren't being punished for these things. The sad reality is though, that I am and have been the only one is has been punished. I am the only one who has held on to ALL of these hurts and remember each and every one of them. I am the only one, who is letting them interfere with my life. They aren't. They are having a jolly old good time, but really, some people just don't get it. Some people do not have a conscience, or if they do, it is overruled by their selfishness.
I was told sunday, that forgiveness is like a pyramid, it has 3 sides: Forgiveness from God, forgivess from or for yourself, and forgiveness has to be given that forgiveness has to be a maintence process.
(oh ........... my ................god..................... I have been typing for the last HOUR! AND IT DIDNT' SAVE! IT WAS DELETED AND I HAD TO SIGN BACK IN ...........................)
OK....
Just had to walk around the office and breath. Ate and afternoon snack, and decided I will type it all over, but in multiple blogs, probably safer that way.
Ok, so I was on forgiveness right?
On the maintence process, my pastor told me (which I had for some reason never thought of on my own) when you decide to forgive yourself, or someone else, it's not just a one time job. It's something that you have to do frequently. Something you have to do everytime you think of the injustice or the hurt done upon you. He said, you can finally build the courage to forgive someone (and yes, it does take alot of courage) but then you have to do it everytime there is a memory of that hurt. And at first, that hurt may be recalled daily, and in my case, sometimes multiple times daily,....but eventually, one day you will wake up, and you will have realized that you havn't thought of that in a month. I haven't even reached a week yet. So I am sure it will be awhile.
He also told me, there will be days, that are just bad days. I had one a week ago. I literally just woke up in a bad mood. I knew it the moment I woke up. I made sure to also tell everyone around me about it too. I did that because I didnt' want my boyfriend, or my secretary to take it as anything other that what it was - a bad mood. And I can lie all I want, and just say it was for no reason, but it would be that, a lie. I have bottled up hurt, hatered, anger, jealousy, and bitterness for so long, that on that morning, it just started seeping out.
So, after this long talk with my pastor. I have started the process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not really knowing better for loving someone I shouldn't have, even though I say all the "I sooooooooo knew better." Forgive myself for feeling pitty for me. Forgive myself for sometimes missing my young fun life. Forgive myself for lots of things. Past mistakes. My past in general.
In doing this, I entertain the idea of forgiving the person who turned into 2 people to have to forgive. And although I haven't done it yet, I suppose thinking about it is at the very least a step into the right direction, right? Because the mere thought of it, has made my soul feel lighter already, and that has to be a good thing. It's a work in progress for sure, but like all my new plans and ideas, it will just have to be one day at a time.
My First Day
The last 4 years, well actually lets see, I could acutally say the last 7+ years of my life have been quite a ride. Lots of wrong turns, dips and inclines along the way. However, some major things have been happening lately that are just so huge, that for the first time, I can in the moment, realize the vastness of them as they are taking place, and I want to be able to adjust to them in stride, and look back and say wow, I did that.
So with that said, I have this new idea that I want and/or need to change alot of things in my life. I need to change my attitude towards lots of things,...most importantly this morning, about getting out of bed. I need to change the not so healthy way I eat, or I let my son eat. I need to change my views of the and my world in general. How I focus on my religion of Christianity, and how I would like to see myself be a better Christian, not the crazy extreme kind, just the kind that feels a connection to a higher power. Something to defer my problems, my hurts, my pains, my dreams and desires to.
So here I am. I figure this could possibly be a great way to start.
I can plan out each day, my expectations either for that day or the next, or whatever comes to the forefront of my brain, and see how well, I can follow what my dreams or instincts tell me. I have had a reckless past to say a little, but not so bad that it can't be mended. I like anyone else have hurt, and been hurt. I am a single mother, with the gift of a child that I hold dear to my heart, my identity, the one thing, that helped me realize who the person was that I so desperately wanted to become.
This is my journey into a better life. Forgiving my past. Drifting toward my future. And being happy so that I can start using my present for what it is: a gift of today, because like so many before me have said - There is no promise of tomorrow.
So with that said, I have this new idea that I want and/or need to change alot of things in my life. I need to change my attitude towards lots of things,...most importantly this morning, about getting out of bed. I need to change the not so healthy way I eat, or I let my son eat. I need to change my views of the and my world in general. How I focus on my religion of Christianity, and how I would like to see myself be a better Christian, not the crazy extreme kind, just the kind that feels a connection to a higher power. Something to defer my problems, my hurts, my pains, my dreams and desires to.
So here I am. I figure this could possibly be a great way to start.
I can plan out each day, my expectations either for that day or the next, or whatever comes to the forefront of my brain, and see how well, I can follow what my dreams or instincts tell me. I have had a reckless past to say a little, but not so bad that it can't be mended. I like anyone else have hurt, and been hurt. I am a single mother, with the gift of a child that I hold dear to my heart, my identity, the one thing, that helped me realize who the person was that I so desperately wanted to become.
This is my journey into a better life. Forgiving my past. Drifting toward my future. And being happy so that I can start using my present for what it is: a gift of today, because like so many before me have said - There is no promise of tomorrow.
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