There are so many things that I worry about when it concerns Ex. Some of it I could and would consider normal. Like the pending termination papers, or wondering now since his bankruptcy is now discharged, will that give him a second wind for him to change his mind, and come back after Doodlebug????????
Then every once in a while, a memory creeps into my mind, and just plays tricks on me. And I have to remind myself that I probably watch too much CourtTV
. But what keeps randomly creeping into my mind, is the very first (Dec. 2004) visit we had at the Attorney General's office, in which our case worker, was kind of going over the rules of what Ex was to provide. At this time, she mentioned something about insurance, and I remember him saying something to the effect of:
"Oh, yeah, I figured that, I'll have to have him added, and I've got a half million life insurace policy..." now this is where my memory fades because I can't remember if he said, "for him" meaning, in case something should happen to Ex, Doodlebug would stand to receive half a million,...or if he said, "on him". I question that because, I know that EX had one out ON ME when we were engaged.
This is one of those explosive thoughts you try to push out of your head, but it comes back all the time.
I keep thinking, what a perfect motive, or alibi for him, should something ever happen to Doodlebug. He could always rely on, "hey I never even saw the kid." "I was in the process of terminating my rights,...I forgot about the policy"....
Like I said, I probably watch too much TV, but when my tires or brakes make a funny noise, I become extremely aware of my environment. I am scared. Which is something I am realizing today.
Do I think EX could be capable? I do.
When he first filed bankruptcy, he file for around $457,000 in debt. He supposedly broke. A $500,000 life insurance policy could come in handy.
I know I shouldn't worry about this. And I have told few enough friends, should anything ever happen, look there first, and why.
But the reason I write about this is because, how do you make your self not worry about such things?
Someone, anyone please write me and tell me I am being irrationale. Please tell me that I really have nothing to worry about. . . .
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Just Breathe
aaahhhh..... just when things look bad....something happens and it looks so good.
I got paid yesterday, and usually my direct deposit hits before our checks get into our hands. So, with check in hand, I called the Daycare and told them it was ok to go ahead and cash the daycare check they were holding.
When I got home last night, I checked my mail. I had a check from my bank for a little over $44!!! I guess we get rapid rewards points, 10 cents on the dollar for what you spend on your debit card. Well, they sent me my check. I was so excited until this morning. My direct deposit didn't go in until last night.....after both checks went through. I got a $60 debit adjustment. That is an entire tank of gas, so there went my $44 of "free" money.
Oh well right? Something like don't sweat the small stuff huh?
Still no child support. Still no termination papers.
Wanna hear how crazy my mind works? Sometimes, when I am overpretending, that "the others" and their constant irresponsibilty aren't bothering me, my mind reminds me that they are, and I end up with some stupid dream.
Last night I dream Ex shut down his company website because I looked at it.
How silly is that right?
Here is what I struggle with every day:
Why do I still care? Someone mentioned in one of my comments, something about a sense of injustice, and maybe that is it.
Now, it looks like the physician I am working for, my be persuing to relocate his practice again, which means, I may need to seek another job. And right now, just isn't the time for that.
Makes me wonder sometimes, when will my plate be less full.
I have another RN test next weekend. I hope I pass it. I should really be studying and reading righ now, but I actually multi-tasking: typing this, catching up on season 3 of Lost since it comes back on tonight, and reading during the breaks. We had surgeries scheduled this morning, and no patients scheduled for the afternoon, which in turn, makes for a very, very long day.
But I did attend some random luncheon about the construction at the hospital, and got a free lunch-chicken salad sandwich, potatoe salad, and fresh fruit. So when I left, I grabbed 2 more, so Doodlebug and I can eat them for dinner. I feel like a cheap, but free yummy food, is free yummy food, right?
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I just stare at Doodlebug. It's one of the most peaceful moments of my day. Watching him sleep, so peacefully, blankie clutched tight, not a worry on his mind. I did that this morning, probably a little too long, but that's ok. He's just an angel, and I treasure these moments.
Like I mentioned earlier, I got paid today, and the funny thing is, I have already paid most of my bills due, and I think once they are all said and over with, I'll have a little over $100 for groceries and gas, until the 15th. Good Lord knows, I am thankful, he has taught me how to make a penny stretch.
I do have some exciting news though, I have been holding it back from here, because it still feels like a dream, and I don't want to risk waking up. But next saturday, should it truly be a reality, I will be singing from the rooftops!
he he he,....how's that for leaving ya hanging ;)
I got paid yesterday, and usually my direct deposit hits before our checks get into our hands. So, with check in hand, I called the Daycare and told them it was ok to go ahead and cash the daycare check they were holding.
When I got home last night, I checked my mail. I had a check from my bank for a little over $44!!! I guess we get rapid rewards points, 10 cents on the dollar for what you spend on your debit card. Well, they sent me my check. I was so excited until this morning. My direct deposit didn't go in until last night.....after both checks went through. I got a $60 debit adjustment. That is an entire tank of gas, so there went my $44 of "free" money.
Oh well right? Something like don't sweat the small stuff huh?
Still no child support. Still no termination papers.
Wanna hear how crazy my mind works? Sometimes, when I am overpretending, that "the others" and their constant irresponsibilty aren't bothering me, my mind reminds me that they are, and I end up with some stupid dream.
Last night I dream Ex shut down his company website because I looked at it.
How silly is that right?
Here is what I struggle with every day:
Why do I still care? Someone mentioned in one of my comments, something about a sense of injustice, and maybe that is it.
Now, it looks like the physician I am working for, my be persuing to relocate his practice again, which means, I may need to seek another job. And right now, just isn't the time for that.
Makes me wonder sometimes, when will my plate be less full.
I have another RN test next weekend. I hope I pass it. I should really be studying and reading righ now, but I actually multi-tasking: typing this, catching up on season 3 of Lost since it comes back on tonight, and reading during the breaks. We had surgeries scheduled this morning, and no patients scheduled for the afternoon, which in turn, makes for a very, very long day.
But I did attend some random luncheon about the construction at the hospital, and got a free lunch-chicken salad sandwich, potatoe salad, and fresh fruit. So when I left, I grabbed 2 more, so Doodlebug and I can eat them for dinner. I feel like a cheap, but free yummy food, is free yummy food, right?
Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I just stare at Doodlebug. It's one of the most peaceful moments of my day. Watching him sleep, so peacefully, blankie clutched tight, not a worry on his mind. I did that this morning, probably a little too long, but that's ok. He's just an angel, and I treasure these moments.
Like I mentioned earlier, I got paid today, and the funny thing is, I have already paid most of my bills due, and I think once they are all said and over with, I'll have a little over $100 for groceries and gas, until the 15th. Good Lord knows, I am thankful, he has taught me how to make a penny stretch.
I do have some exciting news though, I have been holding it back from here, because it still feels like a dream, and I don't want to risk waking up. But next saturday, should it truly be a reality, I will be singing from the rooftops!
he he he,....how's that for leaving ya hanging ;)
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
I feel like crying
I just looked at my Pacer account.
Ex and Dingo, have had their bankruptcy discharged.
So, for the last 4 years, they have been playing, partying, vacationing, running up credit cards, having a ball,....and now, all that debt, gets swept under a table. Given up to our consumer debt. No wonder, our economy is in the state that it is.
I feel like crying, because all the while they have been racking up this debt, I have been struggling to survive.
All this time, they were vacationing in places like Mexico, Vegas, Hondurus, I was crying over figuring out how to pay my bills, how to be a parent, how to raise a child on my own.
I am so angry right now.
Did I mention that they spent $219,900 on a house. Then sank $98,000 in it to remodel it?? Then turned around after he had child support lowered because he couldn't afford it, and bought a second rent house that was over $200,000????
Did I mention, that at the court hearing in November, I agreed to lower child support again, before he decided to terminate?
Did I mention that if he had paid the amount of lowered child support I agreed to until Doodlebug turned 18, that would have been in the ball park of $88,000.
That is less that the amount of money he paid to remodel that sh!thole house of his.
Ok...so now I am crying and I can't finish this, I'm sorry.
Ex and Dingo, have had their bankruptcy discharged.
So, for the last 4 years, they have been playing, partying, vacationing, running up credit cards, having a ball,....and now, all that debt, gets swept under a table. Given up to our consumer debt. No wonder, our economy is in the state that it is.
I feel like crying, because all the while they have been racking up this debt, I have been struggling to survive.
All this time, they were vacationing in places like Mexico, Vegas, Hondurus, I was crying over figuring out how to pay my bills, how to be a parent, how to raise a child on my own.
I am so angry right now.
Did I mention that they spent $219,900 on a house. Then sank $98,000 in it to remodel it?? Then turned around after he had child support lowered because he couldn't afford it, and bought a second rent house that was over $200,000????
Did I mention, that at the court hearing in November, I agreed to lower child support again, before he decided to terminate?
Did I mention that if he had paid the amount of lowered child support I agreed to until Doodlebug turned 18, that would have been in the ball park of $88,000.
That is less that the amount of money he paid to remodel that sh!thole house of his.
Ok...so now I am crying and I can't finish this, I'm sorry.
WHO ARE YOU? ? ? ?
So just out of curoristy, I am curious as to who is reading my blog.
I sent it out to maybe 5 or 6 people. One of them suggested getting a Stat counter. I've been trying to figure it out lately, and WOW! look at all the people from so many different places!
I am humbled that anyone, would be interested in my little blog.
Would you do me a favor??
Would you leave me a comment, and tell me how you found me? I would love love love to know what you guys think about my blog. Have any advice on anything, I'm dying to know!
I sent it out to maybe 5 or 6 people. One of them suggested getting a Stat counter. I've been trying to figure it out lately, and WOW! look at all the people from so many different places!
I am humbled that anyone, would be interested in my little blog.
Would you do me a favor??
Would you leave me a comment, and tell me how you found me? I would love love love to know what you guys think about my blog. Have any advice on anything, I'm dying to know!
The Never Ending Story
That subject alone, can spur about 10 different "bloggable" subjects in my head, and probably will before the day is over, but I'll start with the one that it is truly meant for.
There are certain movies, that I remember watching as a kid, that I will always think of as "the classics". The Last Unicorn - the cartoon (people always ask if Tom Cruise was in it, and I have no idea what they are talking about), The Dark Crystal, and The Never Ending Story, were the most rememberable for me.
For some reason, The Never Ending Story has been on my mind, and boyfriend bought it for Doodlebug *wink* (and me) this weekend. It was a HUGE success! Doodlebug just loved it! I have seen it I think probably 5 times now, but I'm not com planing because that means, we aren't watching Cars. It's funny, because, when you watch something as a kid, then see it again as an adult, of course it isn't the same. But, when I was watching my son watch it, I could see myself so many years ago, consumed by the Rock Bitter, the racing Snail, the Empress that every little girl wanted to be with the hangy-downy pearl thing on your forehead. Anyway, it has been nothing but fun to watch it with him, and I have so far enjoyed all 5 times. Sometimes, I think that the best thing about having a child, is getting to act like a kid again, except knowing how to really enjoy it this time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, for other things that can relate to the title:
My last court date was November 20, 2007. Seventy days later, I still do not have termination papers. I still have no child support. Last night on the news, there was a story about how apparently alot of deadbeat dads were rounded up and taken to jail. http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=5918568 and I can't help but think:
Why can't anything happen to Doodle' bio.?? He has several websites dedicated to his "oh-so-profitable" business. and boasts of how much money that said business has made, yet is in personal bankruptcy, because he wants to keep his business's name out of the bankruptcy case. Has recently had a civil court case filed against his company, and then changed the company's name.
I have glanced at the new company website from time to time, and can't help but giggle. He is a 34 year old boy, whom when we split, was still attending fraternity parties on a more than "normal" basis. As a matter of fact, when I first googled their address, I found out that he has a non-profit organization set up at his home for his fraternity, as well as noticing that he has the Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission as a creditor on his bankruptcy papers, coincidence?? But what I find funny about his company website is two-fold: the front is a book, with what looks like a crest (for a fraternity), and the last part is even funnier to me. When Larry and I began dating, he had just broken up with cocaine girlfriend, they liked to 'party' together, alot. Anyway, she had made the comment to him once "The 80s called, they want their bomber jacket back." He had told me this, and he just thought it was the funniest thing. I never said anything, as not to spoil what he thought was an original quip. However, on his professional business website, it says, and I am not lying,
I guess I am talking about this, because I feel like until something is done, I just don't have closure. Everyone I know, keeps telling me to stop thinking about it, because all it does is drive me crazy. How do you stop thinking about it?
I worry from time to time, that she or he, will stumble across my blog. I know that they will know, who I am immediately, but I guess that is a risk I take.
There are certain movies, that I remember watching as a kid, that I will always think of as "the classics". The Last Unicorn - the cartoon (people always ask if Tom Cruise was in it, and I have no idea what they are talking about), The Dark Crystal, and The Never Ending Story, were the most rememberable for me.
For some reason, The Never Ending Story has been on my mind, and boyfriend bought it for Doodlebug *wink* (and me) this weekend. It was a HUGE success! Doodlebug just loved it! I have seen it I think probably 5 times now, but I'm not com planing because that means, we aren't watching Cars. It's funny, because, when you watch something as a kid, then see it again as an adult, of course it isn't the same. But, when I was watching my son watch it, I could see myself so many years ago, consumed by the Rock Bitter, the racing Snail, the Empress that every little girl wanted to be with the hangy-downy pearl thing on your forehead. Anyway, it has been nothing but fun to watch it with him, and I have so far enjoyed all 5 times. Sometimes, I think that the best thing about having a child, is getting to act like a kid again, except knowing how to really enjoy it this time!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, for other things that can relate to the title:
My last court date was November 20, 2007. Seventy days later, I still do not have termination papers. I still have no child support. Last night on the news, there was a story about how apparently alot of deadbeat dads were rounded up and taken to jail. http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=news/local&id=5918568 and I can't help but think:
Why can't anything happen to Doodle' bio.?? He has several websites dedicated to his "oh-so-profitable" business. and boasts of how much money that said business has made, yet is in personal bankruptcy, because he wants to keep his business's name out of the bankruptcy case. Has recently had a civil court case filed against his company, and then changed the company's name.
I have glanced at the new company website from time to time, and can't help but giggle. He is a 34 year old boy, whom when we split, was still attending fraternity parties on a more than "normal" basis. As a matter of fact, when I first googled their address, I found out that he has a non-profit organization set up at his home for his fraternity, as well as noticing that he has the Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission as a creditor on his bankruptcy papers, coincidence?? But what I find funny about his company website is two-fold: the front is a book, with what looks like a crest (for a fraternity), and the last part is even funnier to me. When Larry and I began dating, he had just broken up with cocaine girlfriend, they liked to 'party' together, alot. Anyway, she had made the comment to him once "The 80s called, they want their bomber jacket back." He had told me this, and he just thought it was the funniest thing. I never said anything, as not to spoil what he thought was an original quip. However, on his professional business website, it says, and I am not lying,
"The 70s called, they want their aluminum siding back!"I just about died when I saw that. Who in the world would write something like that? My ex and his dingo wife. So for reasons like that I laugh. But for people who boast to the world how fabulous their company is, why not pay child support? Why not sign the papers? If need be, I'll drive there with black pen in hand, and pay for the notary.
I guess I am talking about this, because I feel like until something is done, I just don't have closure. Everyone I know, keeps telling me to stop thinking about it, because all it does is drive me crazy. How do you stop thinking about it?
I worry from time to time, that she or he, will stumble across my blog. I know that they will know, who I am immediately, but I guess that is a risk I take.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Quote from a Good Friend
I love great quotes. As a matter of fact, some of my favorites are on my myspace page.
But today, a great friend of mine, one whom I met on the internet, via singlemomz, one who knows my story from the day I was scared to death looking for answers when I found them, to my ex coming back into the picture, dragging his new fiance, to all the court battles, to this very day.
As we were speaking of various things, she said:
She is from the New Jersey area....and the word "wack" cracks me up, but so does the whole idea of this quote...
which is why I put here for all of you to enjoy as well....
Lord I love her, I needed this smile and laugh today!
But today, a great friend of mine, one whom I met on the internet, via singlemomz, one who knows my story from the day I was scared to death looking for answers when I found them, to my ex coming back into the picture, dragging his new fiance, to all the court battles, to this very day.
As we were speaking of various things, she said:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, and the strength to wack the people that piss me off."
She is from the New Jersey area....and the word "wack" cracks me up, but so does the whole idea of this quote...
which is why I put here for all of you to enjoy as well....
Lord I love her, I needed this smile and laugh today!
The Most Mature Relationship I've Ever Had
Is with the wife/widow of a man I dated while he was married to her. Bet that caught your attention. But it's true. She and I had a lunch date yesterday, and every time I am around her, I can't help but think, "Man, for once, two women did it right."
After having doodlebug, I moved back to Southeast Texas to be close to my parents and siblings, from Austin. I loved the city, everything about that one in particular, and hometown was somewhere I vowed to leave at 18 and never return, and so far, hadn't.
The dating pool at home, was shallow, not much to catch. So, my cousin, who is more like a sister to me, started out on a set-me-up-with-someone rampage.
I got a call from a man whom I will call Billy. billy was a divorcee, with a daughter, and twin boys. He was also out of a fresh annulment. Seems marriage number two was doomed from the honeymoon, and they decided to get out quick. My cousin's friend did the sale article for his company, gave him my number, story, and he called.
At this point, I knew my ex was already married to psycho-wife, and they had been giving me hell, and I couldn't help but think, why not? Besides, he said, he and the children's mother and stepfather had an amicable situation, and I thought, could if not anything, be a great tool for lesson to be learned.
We went on a few dates, and I like him. He didn't fall into my normal category of physical attributes, that I normally go for, but I thought, my "normal" hasn't worked out in the past. The more we dated, and, the more we liked each other.
Then it happened.
Wife #2, the one he had gotten an annulment from, went through his online cell phone history and found my number. He warned me about her. That she was just a mean, vindictive person, and would probably do or say something to hurt me.
Well, late one night, once I was already in bed, I got a phone call, and I knew immediately it was "her". No one in this area code knew my phone number, and I didn't recognize who was calling me, it had to be her. And it was. And I answered it.
Here's is how the opening of the conversation went:
"hello"
"Is this Anabiosis?"
"yes"
"Hi, this is Sass-a-frass, Billy's wife"
"wife? May be news to some folks, he told me you two had had an annulment."
"He... a WHAT?!?!?"
Well the conversation didn't last long, I wasn't in the mood for some hell bent ex to try to attempt to "put me in my place." So, I just told her to take whatever up with Billy.
The next morning, she even emailed me, a few times. I called Billy, asked to remind ex, to leave me out of their spats. She then text messaged me, and I had had enough. After all, been there and done that with Larry's cocaine addicted ex-girlfriend. Sassafrass had no idea, if she wanted to play a game, she'd better have her big girl panties on. So I emailed her back, a snotty little email, and just requested her to no longer, call me, text message me, nor email me. Forget my name, numbers and email address. I also attached a tag on the email so that I would know when she read it.
About two weeks later, after Billy and I decided we fell in love. I got the email, where she had read my email. I called Billy at work to let him know, that a big storm may be brewing, and to hunker down. All was fine the rest of the day. Until that evening. This was 2 days before New Year's Eve. We had spent the Christmas together, where we first said , "I think I love you".
We usually would IM each other during the evening, while his kids were running around the house, and mine was toddling and crawling around. What was surprisingly different was, he was super short, non-chalent, and just very un-attached.
Well, guess who's gut kicked into HIGH GEAR??
So, I called, and his manner on the phone immediately let me know, SHE was THERE. So, I boldly said, "billy? is she there" His answer was brimming around who, and no, when she boldly said, "you better tell her I am here!"
Oh What a Night.
It was the usual, have you told her the truth about us, him lieing to her, in my ear, and finally me saying, "PUT HER ON THE PHONE NOW!" Being that she was shoulder to shoulder to him, she grabbed the phone.
This was a turning point for us.
We were both mad, angry and fuming, but this is where this story has a twist. We were mad, angry and fuming.... AT THE RIGHT PERSON,. . . . . HIM.
Needless to say, Larry taught me something, always have proof. Seems Billy and Sassafrass, were still married, there was NEVER an annulment, they had separated because he hit her (well head-butted to be exact) one night, and she left. That was about a week and a half before I met him. And, he had been trying to woo her back ever since. So, he had told her we were only friends. My rebuttal to this was of course, well darling, I do have your email address, be sure to check it first thing in the morning, because I have an IM archive of messages, and I will send you every-single-one. And I did. Her response, and you could actually hear the smile in her voice as well as the evil smirk, "Billy, I believe you just F*cked up with this one. She's pretty damn smart".
The next day, I was sick to my stomach. He tried to IM me several times apologising at her ruthless plots to ruin his life. Me, I took 3 showers that day to wash what I felt like filth off of me. I had to be at work at 6 pm. I received a call from Sassafrass oh around 5. She thanked me for the IM's, there was some small talk, and then she said,:
"Do you think you can find a babysitter tonight, and meet me for a drink?"
my reply:
"I thought you would never ask."
I walked into work, told them I was leaving, had some personal issues to tend to, called my niece, and got ready for my date with my boyfriend's wife.
Some of my friends warned me not to go, that this was a set-up for her and her friends to beat me up...but there was something about her voice that night and next day, I knew she wasn't like that.
I couldn't decide what to wear, I didn't want to look like the hooch, that any women feels like when she realizes she's been dating another woman's husband. So I decided on cute jeans, heals, and a fitted white shirt. Not too much, not too little. We met in the parking lot of one our more trendy bars, and when I saw her, my jaw literally dropped. She wasn't the frumpy, mean, hometown girl I was expecting at all. She was small, blonde, gorgeous blue eyes, and big boobs, I know that because she dressed to impress me, just like I dressed to unimpress her. We met with a big smile, a huge hug, and glad to finally met you!!!
We went into the bar, got a table, ordered food neither of us really touched, and a bucket of beer. She pulled out emails, pictures, etc (she had already seen everything I had). We sat, drank, laughed, and thought it would be funny to start sending Billy text messages, with the same little phrases he so often sent to the both of us, "Miss you", "Can't stop thinking about you", "can't get you off my mind", ect,....the funny thing was, he had NO IDEA that although we were both randomly sending these text messages, that we were sending them from the same table. He had no idea that we had planned to meet.
As the beer rolled on, many a man, came up to our table and would often say something like, "Why are two such beautiful women, sitting here by themselves in such a deep conversation?? It's happy our ladies". Finally, I looked at her, after this tirade, and an introduction from one gentlemen who had just came from a table of men, and I smirked looked at her and said, "Should I, or shall you?" She said, "oh no, you go ahead, be my guest."
I said, "HI, my name is Anabiosis, and this pretty lady in front of me, seems to be my boyfriends wife."
I think he forgot to breathe as he glanced from her to me, and back, and he finally said, "No way." She then said, "Yes, she is my husband's girlfriend". At this point, I felt the need to correct her, "Mistress, sounds so much cooler though dont you think?"
The man stumbled back to his table in utter disbelief, as we clicked yet another beer bottle and laughed our way through more conversation. That bit of information, flew through the bar like a wild fire. Needless to say, our food, our beer tab, shots, everything was paid for by the all the confused people in the bar, either in a congratulations for doing the impossible, or waiting for one hell of a cat fight.
After a few rounds of what we thought were funny text messages, and a few rounds of beer, we thought, to top the night off, how hilarious would it be, to send him, a picture text of the two of us hanging out at the bar together, and we did, it read, "We can't seem to stop talking about you."
New Year's Eve, we were both dateless, and she came over to hang out for a little while. I had made new plans with friends of mine, she with hers, except hers were all happy couples. I knew she would regret that, and invited her out with us, which she politely declined. I reminded her to call me when she couldn't stand it any longer, and by 1030, she met me and my friends downtown. Funny thing was we ran into some of the guys from the bar, who shouted, "Holy $hit, they are still hanging out together, what an unfortunate $@#@#$$#" She and I, stayed out until 5 am that morning. We had a blast. I had found a friend, someone I really connected with, and was so excited, until about a week and a half later.
Billy IM'd me to see how I was doing, and eventually let me know, that he and Sassafrass were going to work it out. I immediately called her. She said, "I took vows, I feel strongly about that, I have to try at least once. And honestly after meeting you and getting to you know you, I can't blame him for dating and loving you, I would & do too."
I told her that I would always be her friend, and that of course I was even more mad at Billy now for taking my new best friend away, and that if she ever needed ANYTHING to call me. We kept in touch with text messages or IM's here or there. I finally told her, I think for you and Billy to really give it a fighting chance, I have to go. She said ok, and we didn't talk for a few months.
Not long after I met boyfriend, I was going to go visit him, when I got a call from my mother. It was a friday, and I was getting ready to leave for Houston. I answered the phone, and she said, "Billy?" I said, .... "yes". She said, "Billy Highhorse?" I said, "yes, mother". "three kids,.." "yes mother! What?", so annoyed. She finally said, Ana, he died on tuesday, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I don't even know if I had the respect to say anything to her before I hung up on her and immediately called Sassafrass.
She answered the phone, obviously crying and said, "I've picked up the phone and dialed your number so many times now, I just didn't know if you would come."
I asked her where she was, and told her I would be right there.
I called boyfriend, told him the story, and that I would be late, I had to drive two towns over, out of my way to go see her.
I don't do funerals, but I went to the funeral home to see her. She met me out in the lobby, we hugged and cried, and hugged some more. Her best friend, walked out and said, "It's always amazing how that asshole always brings the two of you together."
Then we all laughed and sat down and just talked for awhile. She asked me if I wanted to come in and see him, which I didn't. The last memory I had of him was leaving my house for work, the day everything went down.
Since then, she and I are the greatest of friends. We hang out, we talk, she'll be a bridesmaid in my wedding (should I ever have one), I would trust her with doodlebugs life. And we've already plotted that if boyfriend and I break up, she and I are gonna move to Austin together, and man hunt.
She was in town for a concert night before last, and she came to my job, and we had lunch together.
She's fun. We were brought together by a not too unusual circumstance, but for the first time that I know of in history, we were both on the same team: Team Woman. We placed blame where blame was due. We didn't hold grudges against each other for having the same taste in things, or falling for the same guy. I did nothing wrong, nor did she, and because we were both mature enough to handle that, we found something better, a real true, mature, friendship.
After having doodlebug, I moved back to Southeast Texas to be close to my parents and siblings, from Austin. I loved the city, everything about that one in particular, and hometown was somewhere I vowed to leave at 18 and never return, and so far, hadn't.
The dating pool at home, was shallow, not much to catch. So, my cousin, who is more like a sister to me, started out on a set-me-up-with-someone rampage.
I got a call from a man whom I will call Billy. billy was a divorcee, with a daughter, and twin boys. He was also out of a fresh annulment. Seems marriage number two was doomed from the honeymoon, and they decided to get out quick. My cousin's friend did the sale article for his company, gave him my number, story, and he called.
At this point, I knew my ex was already married to psycho-wife, and they had been giving me hell, and I couldn't help but think, why not? Besides, he said, he and the children's mother and stepfather had an amicable situation, and I thought, could if not anything, be a great tool for lesson to be learned.
We went on a few dates, and I like him. He didn't fall into my normal category of physical attributes, that I normally go for, but I thought, my "normal" hasn't worked out in the past. The more we dated, and, the more we liked each other.
Then it happened.
Wife #2, the one he had gotten an annulment from, went through his online cell phone history and found my number. He warned me about her. That she was just a mean, vindictive person, and would probably do or say something to hurt me.
Well, late one night, once I was already in bed, I got a phone call, and I knew immediately it was "her". No one in this area code knew my phone number, and I didn't recognize who was calling me, it had to be her. And it was. And I answered it.
Here's is how the opening of the conversation went:
"hello"
"Is this Anabiosis?"
"yes"
"Hi, this is Sass-a-frass, Billy's wife"
"wife? May be news to some folks, he told me you two had had an annulment."
"He... a WHAT?!?!?"
Well the conversation didn't last long, I wasn't in the mood for some hell bent ex to try to attempt to "put me in my place." So, I just told her to take whatever up with Billy.
The next morning, she even emailed me, a few times. I called Billy, asked to remind ex, to leave me out of their spats. She then text messaged me, and I had had enough. After all, been there and done that with Larry's cocaine addicted ex-girlfriend. Sassafrass had no idea, if she wanted to play a game, she'd better have her big girl panties on. So I emailed her back, a snotty little email, and just requested her to no longer, call me, text message me, nor email me. Forget my name, numbers and email address. I also attached a tag on the email so that I would know when she read it.
About two weeks later, after Billy and I decided we fell in love. I got the email, where she had read my email. I called Billy at work to let him know, that a big storm may be brewing, and to hunker down. All was fine the rest of the day. Until that evening. This was 2 days before New Year's Eve. We had spent the Christmas together, where we first said , "I think I love you".
We usually would IM each other during the evening, while his kids were running around the house, and mine was toddling and crawling around. What was surprisingly different was, he was super short, non-chalent, and just very un-attached.
Well, guess who's gut kicked into HIGH GEAR??
So, I called, and his manner on the phone immediately let me know, SHE was THERE. So, I boldly said, "billy? is she there" His answer was brimming around who, and no, when she boldly said, "you better tell her I am here!"
Oh What a Night.
It was the usual, have you told her the truth about us, him lieing to her, in my ear, and finally me saying, "PUT HER ON THE PHONE NOW!" Being that she was shoulder to shoulder to him, she grabbed the phone.
This was a turning point for us.
We were both mad, angry and fuming, but this is where this story has a twist. We were mad, angry and fuming.... AT THE RIGHT PERSON,. . . . . HIM.
Needless to say, Larry taught me something, always have proof. Seems Billy and Sassafrass, were still married, there was NEVER an annulment, they had separated because he hit her (well head-butted to be exact) one night, and she left. That was about a week and a half before I met him. And, he had been trying to woo her back ever since. So, he had told her we were only friends. My rebuttal to this was of course, well darling, I do have your email address, be sure to check it first thing in the morning, because I have an IM archive of messages, and I will send you every-single-one. And I did. Her response, and you could actually hear the smile in her voice as well as the evil smirk, "Billy, I believe you just F*cked up with this one. She's pretty damn smart".
The next day, I was sick to my stomach. He tried to IM me several times apologising at her ruthless plots to ruin his life. Me, I took 3 showers that day to wash what I felt like filth off of me. I had to be at work at 6 pm. I received a call from Sassafrass oh around 5. She thanked me for the IM's, there was some small talk, and then she said,:
"Do you think you can find a babysitter tonight, and meet me for a drink?"
my reply:
"I thought you would never ask."
I walked into work, told them I was leaving, had some personal issues to tend to, called my niece, and got ready for my date with my boyfriend's wife.
Some of my friends warned me not to go, that this was a set-up for her and her friends to beat me up...but there was something about her voice that night and next day, I knew she wasn't like that.
I couldn't decide what to wear, I didn't want to look like the hooch, that any women feels like when she realizes she's been dating another woman's husband. So I decided on cute jeans, heals, and a fitted white shirt. Not too much, not too little. We met in the parking lot of one our more trendy bars, and when I saw her, my jaw literally dropped. She wasn't the frumpy, mean, hometown girl I was expecting at all. She was small, blonde, gorgeous blue eyes, and big boobs, I know that because she dressed to impress me, just like I dressed to unimpress her. We met with a big smile, a huge hug, and glad to finally met you!!!
We went into the bar, got a table, ordered food neither of us really touched, and a bucket of beer. She pulled out emails, pictures, etc (she had already seen everything I had). We sat, drank, laughed, and thought it would be funny to start sending Billy text messages, with the same little phrases he so often sent to the both of us, "Miss you", "Can't stop thinking about you", "can't get you off my mind", ect,....the funny thing was, he had NO IDEA that although we were both randomly sending these text messages, that we were sending them from the same table. He had no idea that we had planned to meet.
As the beer rolled on, many a man, came up to our table and would often say something like, "Why are two such beautiful women, sitting here by themselves in such a deep conversation?? It's happy our ladies". Finally, I looked at her, after this tirade, and an introduction from one gentlemen who had just came from a table of men, and I smirked looked at her and said, "Should I, or shall you?" She said, "oh no, you go ahead, be my guest."
I said, "HI, my name is Anabiosis, and this pretty lady in front of me, seems to be my boyfriends wife."
I think he forgot to breathe as he glanced from her to me, and back, and he finally said, "No way." She then said, "Yes, she is my husband's girlfriend". At this point, I felt the need to correct her, "Mistress, sounds so much cooler though dont you think?"
The man stumbled back to his table in utter disbelief, as we clicked yet another beer bottle and laughed our way through more conversation. That bit of information, flew through the bar like a wild fire. Needless to say, our food, our beer tab, shots, everything was paid for by the all the confused people in the bar, either in a congratulations for doing the impossible, or waiting for one hell of a cat fight.
After a few rounds of what we thought were funny text messages, and a few rounds of beer, we thought, to top the night off, how hilarious would it be, to send him, a picture text of the two of us hanging out at the bar together, and we did, it read, "We can't seem to stop talking about you."
New Year's Eve, we were both dateless, and she came over to hang out for a little while. I had made new plans with friends of mine, she with hers, except hers were all happy couples. I knew she would regret that, and invited her out with us, which she politely declined. I reminded her to call me when she couldn't stand it any longer, and by 1030, she met me and my friends downtown. Funny thing was we ran into some of the guys from the bar, who shouted, "Holy $hit, they are still hanging out together, what an unfortunate $@#@#$$#" She and I, stayed out until 5 am that morning. We had a blast. I had found a friend, someone I really connected with, and was so excited, until about a week and a half later.
Billy IM'd me to see how I was doing, and eventually let me know, that he and Sassafrass were going to work it out. I immediately called her. She said, "I took vows, I feel strongly about that, I have to try at least once. And honestly after meeting you and getting to you know you, I can't blame him for dating and loving you, I would & do too."
I told her that I would always be her friend, and that of course I was even more mad at Billy now for taking my new best friend away, and that if she ever needed ANYTHING to call me. We kept in touch with text messages or IM's here or there. I finally told her, I think for you and Billy to really give it a fighting chance, I have to go. She said ok, and we didn't talk for a few months.
Not long after I met boyfriend, I was going to go visit him, when I got a call from my mother. It was a friday, and I was getting ready to leave for Houston. I answered the phone, and she said, "Billy?" I said, .... "yes". She said, "Billy Highhorse?" I said, "yes, mother". "three kids,.." "yes mother! What?", so annoyed. She finally said, Ana, he died on tuesday, he was killed in a motorcycle accident. I don't even know if I had the respect to say anything to her before I hung up on her and immediately called Sassafrass.
She answered the phone, obviously crying and said, "I've picked up the phone and dialed your number so many times now, I just didn't know if you would come."
I asked her where she was, and told her I would be right there.
I called boyfriend, told him the story, and that I would be late, I had to drive two towns over, out of my way to go see her.
I don't do funerals, but I went to the funeral home to see her. She met me out in the lobby, we hugged and cried, and hugged some more. Her best friend, walked out and said, "It's always amazing how that asshole always brings the two of you together."
Then we all laughed and sat down and just talked for awhile. She asked me if I wanted to come in and see him, which I didn't. The last memory I had of him was leaving my house for work, the day everything went down.
Since then, she and I are the greatest of friends. We hang out, we talk, she'll be a bridesmaid in my wedding (should I ever have one), I would trust her with doodlebugs life. And we've already plotted that if boyfriend and I break up, she and I are gonna move to Austin together, and man hunt.
She was in town for a concert night before last, and she came to my job, and we had lunch together.
She's fun. We were brought together by a not too unusual circumstance, but for the first time that I know of in history, we were both on the same team: Team Woman. We placed blame where blame was due. We didn't hold grudges against each other for having the same taste in things, or falling for the same guy. I did nothing wrong, nor did she, and because we were both mature enough to handle that, we found something better, a real true, mature, friendship.
What a Messy Day, but I have to laugh still
Let's Play a game. Game is called, What could YOU do with $0.65 ????
Yeppers, that is exactly why I was laughing. I checked my online banking activity this morning, one of my habits, and this is what I found:
Savings: $0.00
Checking: $0.65
Why am I laughing? Why not? I don't get paid again until the 31st of this month, I have a full tank of gas, I have bought groceries, my bills are paid for the month, and that is what is left over. . . . .
I have survived another month, without the $750 a month child support I am suppose to be getting. I have survived another month, waiting on termination papers, that have apparently taken the Pony Express to get returned to my attorney's mailbox.
Good news is, I have a super secret savings account, that is not connected to my checking, that I have stashed money away in, for JustInCase/Doodlebug college.
ahhhh.... God I have to love my life, or I would be miserable every single day.
But I am constantly wheeling, and dealing with the ordeals in my life.
I getting good at being embarrassed, and feeling pathetic. I am actually getting better (not good) but better at swallowing my pride, and asking for help.
Doodlebug's daycare is $175 a week. I love his daycare. I do. He loves it. He talks about one of his teachers ALL-THE-TIME. It broke my heart when I went to put his name on a waiting list for another cheaper school, but I just couldn't afford his school anymore. Out of what I thought was appropriate, I wrote the owner of his current school, to let them know, as soon as there was an availability, Doodlebug would be attending somewhere else. Well, the owner wanted to have a chat. So with a ball of emotion in my throat, I told her what had happened. At the beginning of when Doodlebug got into this school, Monies were actually being seized from bio. and I was getting enough child support to pay his tuition (I had actually taken 3k I got and put it all toward the sememster of school), and I figured after our upcoming court hearing, something would be done to make it regular again. But as you all know, he decided to terminate instead. So, I just couldn't afford his school on my own anymore. Well, the owner asked me if I knew CPR, and being a nurse, of course I did. So we have instead worked out a plan. I will take a CPR instructor course ($98), and teach her 42 teachers, and keep their CPR license current. In return, she is charging me $100 a week in day care, saving me tons of money, and at about $50 a teacher, I'm saving her too.
Whew.... one less thing to worry about! Yea! Just another step of stability for Doodlebug. I am proud of that. Boyfriend even said, he would take the course with me, and help at the daycare.
I have learned in my what feels like infinite experience as a single mom, you have to be so thankful and grateful for even the little things in life, and this to me, with my 65cents, is HUGE!
Boyfriend and I, had a breakthrough last night, and I finally got a glimpse of reasoning for why he has been acting the way he has for awhile, and I had assumed if for awhile, but I got the confirmation last night. <~ I will explain all later, in due time, but time is not right, just yet.
It is raining, and dreary here, as it has been for days..... it feels like the weather has no end in sight. This weather, adds to my state of perpetual melancholy lately for sure. I so desperately want to be outside walking on my lunch break. I am miserable sitting here all day. My body is screaming for exercise, but I can't actually get a gym membership for 65 cents. And I most definitely can't afford another bout of the sickness I've just gotten over. So here I am, thinking of all the things I want to write, but wonder if anyone is really interested in reading.
So, I am going to go fix some hot tea. I have found, being a "Southerner" that I just prefer sweet iced tea, to any. However, I recently discovered Mandarin Orange Spice tea, and I love it! So off for now, Tea time!
Yeppers, that is exactly why I was laughing. I checked my online banking activity this morning, one of my habits, and this is what I found:
Savings: $0.00
Checking: $0.65
Why am I laughing? Why not? I don't get paid again until the 31st of this month, I have a full tank of gas, I have bought groceries, my bills are paid for the month, and that is what is left over. . . . .
I have survived another month, without the $750 a month child support I am suppose to be getting. I have survived another month, waiting on termination papers, that have apparently taken the Pony Express to get returned to my attorney's mailbox.
Good news is, I have a super secret savings account, that is not connected to my checking, that I have stashed money away in, for JustInCase/Doodlebug college.
ahhhh.... God I have to love my life, or I would be miserable every single day.
But I am constantly wheeling, and dealing with the ordeals in my life.
I getting good at being embarrassed, and feeling pathetic. I am actually getting better (not good) but better at swallowing my pride, and asking for help.
Doodlebug's daycare is $175 a week. I love his daycare. I do. He loves it. He talks about one of his teachers ALL-THE-TIME. It broke my heart when I went to put his name on a waiting list for another cheaper school, but I just couldn't afford his school anymore. Out of what I thought was appropriate, I wrote the owner of his current school, to let them know, as soon as there was an availability, Doodlebug would be attending somewhere else. Well, the owner wanted to have a chat. So with a ball of emotion in my throat, I told her what had happened. At the beginning of when Doodlebug got into this school, Monies were actually being seized from bio. and I was getting enough child support to pay his tuition (I had actually taken 3k I got and put it all toward the sememster of school), and I figured after our upcoming court hearing, something would be done to make it regular again. But as you all know, he decided to terminate instead. So, I just couldn't afford his school on my own anymore. Well, the owner asked me if I knew CPR, and being a nurse, of course I did. So we have instead worked out a plan. I will take a CPR instructor course ($98), and teach her 42 teachers, and keep their CPR license current. In return, she is charging me $100 a week in day care, saving me tons of money, and at about $50 a teacher, I'm saving her too.
Whew.... one less thing to worry about! Yea! Just another step of stability for Doodlebug. I am proud of that. Boyfriend even said, he would take the course with me, and help at the daycare.
I have learned in my what feels like infinite experience as a single mom, you have to be so thankful and grateful for even the little things in life, and this to me, with my 65cents, is HUGE!
Boyfriend and I, had a breakthrough last night, and I finally got a glimpse of reasoning for why he has been acting the way he has for awhile, and I had assumed if for awhile, but I got the confirmation last night. <~ I will explain all later, in due time, but time is not right, just yet.
It is raining, and dreary here, as it has been for days..... it feels like the weather has no end in sight. This weather, adds to my state of perpetual melancholy lately for sure. I so desperately want to be outside walking on my lunch break. I am miserable sitting here all day. My body is screaming for exercise, but I can't actually get a gym membership for 65 cents. And I most definitely can't afford another bout of the sickness I've just gotten over. So here I am, thinking of all the things I want to write, but wonder if anyone is really interested in reading.
So, I am going to go fix some hot tea. I have found, being a "Southerner" that I just prefer sweet iced tea, to any. However, I recently discovered Mandarin Orange Spice tea, and I love it! So off for now, Tea time!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Betrayal, it's a funny thing.
Once upon a time, I was a member of a online parenting group. It started out as a group for single mothers, however, there was a dad in the group, and I found his point of view enlightening most days. He and I actually became "friends".
However, like the saying goes, "all good things come to an end"....and it did. The single mothers website shut down, and "dad" started another one, and we all followed. This online community was a 'family' of sorts. They helped me through my pregnancy. They were there when I got the first letter from Doodlebugs dad, and started to see the Texas OAG. It was at this time, that "dad" turned against me. He thought what the Attorney General handed out as a ruling in our case was unfair to bio. Anyway, to make a long story short, he used me to get real names, and tracked bio down, along with psycho-fiance at the time, and had them come to his website to stalk me, what I was doing, and what I was saying. The original single moms website went back up, and he even lead them there to view my emotional posts during my pregnancy.
Anyway, to make a long story short this "dad" was hellbent to be our "moderator" and be the peace maker. What happened instead was: Everyone left his sight. The betrayal to me was unbearable. The moms made another site, and included a very "private" room for me. Psycho-wife soon followed, and assumed multiple personalities to try to get in on what I was posting, talking about, pictures of doodlebug, stealing anything she could get her hands on, including pictures of doodlebug from my myspace page, which caused me to make it private, and it still is. She harassed women globally. She finally on prompting, became a member of a website for stepmothers and blended family's, and I was quite happy for her. However, she started posting the most absurd and insane things there, causing members who were members of both sights, to show me how crazy she was. Which normally concerned me for not only myself, but for the person my son should have to spend time with. I saw that either he was lying to her and she believed every word of it, or she was as bad if not worse than him. It was useful, and heartaching at the same time. I got to see women who didn't know me, or the truth of our situation giving out bad advice because they were not told the truth. I got to see women rip me apart because of the way I was painted. It was very hurtful. More than I ever let on.
In the process of this, a "moderator" befriend her, and started getting personal messages from her, and she in turn, shared them with us. Which was great for me, in some ways, because sometimes, I actually felt for her. I felt sorry for her, that she was in a place that I knew too well. But then reality set in, and realized that the two of them, really were meant for each other. She was as bad as him, and honestly sometimes, I think worse.
However, somewhere along the line, I started suspecting another "snitch" in my vent room. Funny little coincidences started popping up. Everyone tried to attribute it to psycho wife playing head games as normal. After awhile, I finally trusted my gut reaction, and most stopped venting in my private room at my support group for mother's online.
Then....they started filing bankruptcy, and I needed some advice from the only people I previously trusted and went back to get it. I started feeling more and more comfortable.
Then I decided to do something. There had been a post from about a year previous when we all suspected that the "others" had separated. Other moms had kept tabs on pyschowife's myspace page. When I say she pissed people off globally I meant it, and they like any other mom, kept tabs. Anyway, among my investigating early this year, I found a link, to a website, that was public, and found interesting pictures, to corroborate our theories of the separation. I kept the pictures for months.
Well, not too long ago, I decided to start getting rid of everything, assuming that the termination papers were well on their way, and after much thought, there wasn't anything I needed or could prove with the pictures other than, bio was still a cad, and psycho wife really did party....ALOT. Big deal, I already knew that.
So...I decided to update the post from so long ago with the pictures...and guess what happened. My snitch came out, obviously told psycho-wife, who must have told friend, who was the 'owner' of the link where I found the pictures (which has never been private) and now is private. Along with different tags on her myspace page that talk about Internet stalkers, which is so hypocritical of her.
My point is: someone, again, online, has betrayed me. In a place that was basically created for me. I am angry about it. They whoever they are, know what the first situation did for our ugly mess before. Why keep it going? Why feel the need to befriend people who, never do anything to see or take care of his child? Why do a favor for someone who would rather pay bar tabs, or buy pink and brown golf clubs, than insure that their child has warm clothes to wear or food to eat?
What I wish more than anything, is for this coward to creep out of the shadows from which they have been lurking, and fess up. It's over. I know you are there. I will no longer post anything that has to do with my personal life, or if I do, it will be something I would like to be taken to the other's since that is what you do best.
I hope that this person feels as though they have done something that is positive in the life of my child, otherwise, why bother?
I ask myself, what have I done so wrong, to betrayed like this over and over? What is your problem with me? I think you know, after the years of emotional turmoil, what I have been through, why do you feel the need to add to the pot?
However, like the saying goes, "all good things come to an end"....and it did. The single mothers website shut down, and "dad" started another one, and we all followed. This online community was a 'family' of sorts. They helped me through my pregnancy. They were there when I got the first letter from Doodlebugs dad, and started to see the Texas OAG. It was at this time, that "dad" turned against me. He thought what the Attorney General handed out as a ruling in our case was unfair to bio. Anyway, to make a long story short, he used me to get real names, and tracked bio down, along with psycho-fiance at the time, and had them come to his website to stalk me, what I was doing, and what I was saying. The original single moms website went back up, and he even lead them there to view my emotional posts during my pregnancy.
Anyway, to make a long story short this "dad" was hellbent to be our "moderator" and be the peace maker. What happened instead was: Everyone left his sight. The betrayal to me was unbearable. The moms made another site, and included a very "private" room for me. Psycho-wife soon followed, and assumed multiple personalities to try to get in on what I was posting, talking about, pictures of doodlebug, stealing anything she could get her hands on, including pictures of doodlebug from my myspace page, which caused me to make it private, and it still is. She harassed women globally. She finally on prompting, became a member of a website for stepmothers and blended family's, and I was quite happy for her. However, she started posting the most absurd and insane things there, causing members who were members of both sights, to show me how crazy she was. Which normally concerned me for not only myself, but for the person my son should have to spend time with. I saw that either he was lying to her and she believed every word of it, or she was as bad if not worse than him. It was useful, and heartaching at the same time. I got to see women who didn't know me, or the truth of our situation giving out bad advice because they were not told the truth. I got to see women rip me apart because of the way I was painted. It was very hurtful. More than I ever let on.
In the process of this, a "moderator" befriend her, and started getting personal messages from her, and she in turn, shared them with us. Which was great for me, in some ways, because sometimes, I actually felt for her. I felt sorry for her, that she was in a place that I knew too well. But then reality set in, and realized that the two of them, really were meant for each other. She was as bad as him, and honestly sometimes, I think worse.
However, somewhere along the line, I started suspecting another "snitch" in my vent room. Funny little coincidences started popping up. Everyone tried to attribute it to psycho wife playing head games as normal. After awhile, I finally trusted my gut reaction, and most stopped venting in my private room at my support group for mother's online.
Then....they started filing bankruptcy, and I needed some advice from the only people I previously trusted and went back to get it. I started feeling more and more comfortable.
Then I decided to do something. There had been a post from about a year previous when we all suspected that the "others" had separated. Other moms had kept tabs on pyschowife's myspace page. When I say she pissed people off globally I meant it, and they like any other mom, kept tabs. Anyway, among my investigating early this year, I found a link, to a website, that was public, and found interesting pictures, to corroborate our theories of the separation. I kept the pictures for months.
Well, not too long ago, I decided to start getting rid of everything, assuming that the termination papers were well on their way, and after much thought, there wasn't anything I needed or could prove with the pictures other than, bio was still a cad, and psycho wife really did party....ALOT. Big deal, I already knew that.
So...I decided to update the post from so long ago with the pictures...and guess what happened. My snitch came out, obviously told psycho-wife, who must have told friend, who was the 'owner' of the link where I found the pictures (which has never been private) and now is private. Along with different tags on her myspace page that talk about Internet stalkers, which is so hypocritical of her.
My point is: someone, again, online, has betrayed me. In a place that was basically created for me. I am angry about it. They whoever they are, know what the first situation did for our ugly mess before. Why keep it going? Why feel the need to befriend people who, never do anything to see or take care of his child? Why do a favor for someone who would rather pay bar tabs, or buy pink and brown golf clubs, than insure that their child has warm clothes to wear or food to eat?
What I wish more than anything, is for this coward to creep out of the shadows from which they have been lurking, and fess up. It's over. I know you are there. I will no longer post anything that has to do with my personal life, or if I do, it will be something I would like to be taken to the other's since that is what you do best.
I hope that this person feels as though they have done something that is positive in the life of my child, otherwise, why bother?
I ask myself, what have I done so wrong, to betrayed like this over and over? What is your problem with me? I think you know, after the years of emotional turmoil, what I have been through, why do you feel the need to add to the pot?
Monday, January 21, 2008
It Catches Up on You
The funny thing about sleep. I love it. I don't get enough of it. When I do sleep, I have either a 3 year old doodlebug, or 6.5 year old pup climbing in and out of my bed, waking me through the night, or I just have too much on my mind, that wakes me up.
So sleep isn't something I get alot of "great" of.
Funny thing about it is though, if you don't catch up on your sleep, it will catch up on you.
Saturday I had a fun filled day, of looking at a house for Doodlebug, boyfriend and I. We then had a massive Chinese/sushi buffet lunch, and I had a large nap. Something I do don't . I can't sleep at night much less the day time.
Saturday night was the most fun I have had in a loooong time. Doodlebug loves monster trucks, so with my first pay-check of 2008, I decided to buy us all tickets to the Monster Jam Thrill Show. Holy cow, we had such a good time. We definitely found our inner red-necks!
These were our two favorites: The Grave Digger, who wound up in the crowd! And Doodlebug's fav. the teenage mutant ninja turtle
Anyway, we had such a great time!
I came home, we spent the night at boyfriends house, and everyone passed out from our night of excitement. And then the weirdest thing happened. I slept until 9:30 in the morning, with only minimal interruption *wink*.....
Sunday was a fun day of eating like fat hill-billy's at Golden Corral, where to my major embarrassment I dropped my entire plate of food everywhere. It is hard to balance your plate and your childs, especially when your hands are shaking.
As for that I have no idea why they have been shaking all weekend. They were shaking really bad saturday also when we sat down to eat. Boyfriend thinks it has something to do with my blood sugar. I have had small issues in the past with low blood sugars. I think it all boils down to nerves. I am worried about getting a new house for me and the doodlebug, the termination papers, etc.
Anyway, we came back to boyfriends house after lunch and shoe shopping for the boys, and there I went again...down for the count, slept until a little after 4. Felt like I could have stayed asleep.
Aahhh, sleep. What a divine invention. Should get more of it!
So sleep isn't something I get alot of "great" of.
Funny thing about it is though, if you don't catch up on your sleep, it will catch up on you.
Saturday I had a fun filled day, of looking at a house for Doodlebug, boyfriend and I. We then had a massive Chinese/sushi buffet lunch, and I had a large nap. Something I do don't . I can't sleep at night much less the day time.
Saturday night was the most fun I have had in a loooong time. Doodlebug loves monster trucks, so with my first pay-check of 2008, I decided to buy us all tickets to the Monster Jam Thrill Show. Holy cow, we had such a good time. We definitely found our inner red-necks!
These were our two favorites: The Grave Digger, who wound up in the crowd! And Doodlebug's fav. the teenage mutant ninja turtle
Anyway, we had such a great time!
I came home, we spent the night at boyfriends house, and everyone passed out from our night of excitement. And then the weirdest thing happened. I slept until 9:30 in the morning, with only minimal interruption *wink*.....
Sunday was a fun day of eating like fat hill-billy's at Golden Corral, where to my major embarrassment I dropped my entire plate of food everywhere. It is hard to balance your plate and your childs, especially when your hands are shaking.
As for that I have no idea why they have been shaking all weekend. They were shaking really bad saturday also when we sat down to eat. Boyfriend thinks it has something to do with my blood sugar. I have had small issues in the past with low blood sugars. I think it all boils down to nerves. I am worried about getting a new house for me and the doodlebug, the termination papers, etc.
Anyway, we came back to boyfriends house after lunch and shoe shopping for the boys, and there I went again...down for the count, slept until a little after 4. Felt like I could have stayed asleep.
Aahhh, sleep. What a divine invention. Should get more of it!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Red Velvet Cake
Ok, so like since what feels like the beginning of time, I have felt a little over weight. Not obese, but just a little chubby.
This is going to be one of those kind of go-no-where posts because, I just don't have much to say today except, I am so tired or worrying about what I am eating, or how I look, but I'll keep doing it because, well by now, it's just habit, and society keeps telling us to be skinny.
The funny thing I kept thinking today was...man, the Greeks must have had it right. All I can remember is statues and pictures of art where the women, were WOMEN. They had hips, and thighs, and normal boobs, and bellys even, and they were still beautiful.
So I started looking for pictures on the internet to day and found this one:
and I can't help but think: Now THAT is what I am talking about! She looks healthy, like your everyday woman. Some 'soft-stuff' in all the places we all have it, and super-strong sexy guy, looks like he's all over himself looking at her.
As I keep looking, I found one of a single mom fighting her everyday battles:
With the exception of course that we aren't playing with our boobs when we are doing it, nor are we naked but, that isn't the point of my pondering today.
My point is this:
When do we get to start just being happy with ourselves and our bodies?
When do we start viewing ourselves like this? We are pieces of art. Granted some of us no longer feel like porcelain dolls, but more like the She-ra we have grown into, but when does it start???
I weigh myself every single day. I do. Today I weighed 135.5lbs. I am 5'3". Yesterday I weighed 136. So what did I do with my 5 oz victory? I went over to the hospital cafeteria to look for desert! I found the most beautiful red velvet cake, and was so excited, I practically skipped back to the office in anticipation of eating it! As soon as I got here, I thought, hmmm I'm going to go head and even drink a real coke too. I had eat a 200+ cal tuna package, and felt like I deserved all of this, Yea!!!
And like most things in life, I was let down. Not only was the cake the biggest disappointment, I knew I could at least turn to my bubbly tasty beverage to pick me up where I needed it, and you would so know it. . . . It was flat.
So it is days like this when I have to just laugh.
Laugh because, no matter, how much my body has changed in the last decade (I'm also 29 years old), it is never, going to be what I picture as ideal.
It was just a few years ago, we were ALL salivating of Ms. Britney Spears body:
To have known then, to have that body, I would have to have the life she has now.... give me my pudgy ANY day, EVERY DAY!
This is me, of course I cut my head of for identity reasons, but this will give you an idea of me.
Not so bad I know, but it's enough to make ya wanna scream. How they have shows like "The Biggest Loser"...but nothing called, "Those last 10 pounds", because which is really harder to lose??
I know I shouldn't be complaining, giving the fact that I sit on my rump most days, but where can I find MORE time in my day to really do something about it???
How can I find the energy to do somthing about it?
Just random thoughts for the day...back to work!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
I ALMOST got excited this morning
Last year, in August I believe, my ex FINALLY had to file taxes, since he and wifey filed bankruptcy. I had had the feeling for a long time, that he didn't, to keep me from getting it, and was pretty much right.
Anyway, he finally did, and of course the attorney general, snatched it up. Bad news is, since it was filed with crazy girl, you have to wait something like 120 days in order to get it. Well that time is almost up, and I am waiting with open arms to receive the over $2000 for much needed things in my and Doodlebugs immediate future.
This morning, the thought hit me, wait a minute, he's going to have to file again, surely bankruptcy trustee's will enforce a quick filing to help with their indebtedness. I got so excited thinking, "Wow, hopefully we'll see a little more, since he is still behind thousands of dollars in arrears, and he hasn't signed the termination papers yet, so YEA!"
But then, it took the level-head of boyfriend to remind me, "You know he has until April 15, then knowing him, he will ask for an extension..." And he was right, I am sure the thought of sending me anymore of "his' precious money, will hurry up the John Hancock process.
But then I will just smile because, if I really think about it, it is a win-win situation for me right?
Anyway, he finally did, and of course the attorney general, snatched it up. Bad news is, since it was filed with crazy girl, you have to wait something like 120 days in order to get it. Well that time is almost up, and I am waiting with open arms to receive the over $2000 for much needed things in my and Doodlebugs immediate future.
This morning, the thought hit me, wait a minute, he's going to have to file again, surely bankruptcy trustee's will enforce a quick filing to help with their indebtedness. I got so excited thinking, "Wow, hopefully we'll see a little more, since he is still behind thousands of dollars in arrears, and he hasn't signed the termination papers yet, so YEA!"
But then, it took the level-head of boyfriend to remind me, "You know he has until April 15, then knowing him, he will ask for an extension..." And he was right, I am sure the thought of sending me anymore of "his' precious money, will hurry up the John Hancock process.
But then I will just smile because, if I really think about it, it is a win-win situation for me right?
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Like A Pumpkin At Midnight. . . .
I saw my toddler turn into a little boy yesterday evening.
It was the strangest moment for me, he was laughing at his own joke, and I was smiling and laughing too, I glanced down and in an instant, poof, there it was, the smallest of transformations. But on second thought, and after looking at photos saved on my computer, I guess it wasn't so quick and small afterall.....
(I didn't even take a picture last night...but I will later to add.)
I looked at him, just to enjoy the sight of him, the sound of his laughter that so often brightens up my day, and I noticed it. Standing before me was a little boy. A little boy with an angular jaw line and chin. Gone were the little fat pads, that so delicately form the face of toddlers with chubby cheeks that you want to pinch.
Not long after that I found myself crying in the shower, as the thought passed my mind:
Babies aren't forever.
My baby, my son, my little boy. One day he'll be a man. I can't even process that thought right now.
As a single pregnant woman, everything that consumes you is raising a baby, on your own. Babies are alot of work. Babies need you all the time, toddlers need to be protected from falls and tumbles, children need to be taught and cared for, all the while you never really think: the beginning of one phase is the end of the last, never to be seen again with that child. Kind of sad when you think about it huh?
Doodlebug no longer has that new Johnson & Johnson baby scent, no longer has smooth baby skin. It's gone, replaced by little sweaty boy, with bumps, and bruised and scrathes of a little Huck Fin, who always on his own new adventure. Don't get me wrong, I love that smell too, but when faced with the reality that my baby is gone, it makes me sentimental and sad.
So what did I do. Dug out the Johnson & Johnson baby wash for his bath last night, and snuggled up as tight as I could when we cuddled on the couch before bedtime.
You know, you are thinking about doing it too ;)
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Sins of Our Fathers (&Mothers)
Started this last night on paper at home... will have to come back to it and edit because of some things that happened this morning....
OK, let's start over.
It's happened more than once, this psycho-babble thought has crept into my head:
Are we really made from the experience of the relationship between our mother and our father??
If so,.... for lack of better words, "I'm screwed"
What I remember, the only memory I really have of them is a lifetime of fighting.
OK, let's start over.
It's happened more than once, this psycho-babble thought has crept into my head:
Are we really made from the experience of the relationship between our mother and our father??
If so,.... for lack of better words, "I'm screwed"
What I remember, the only memory I really have of them is a lifetime of fighting.
- Fighting over me
- Fighting over the house
- Fighting over my mother's infidelity
- Fighting, Fighting, Fighting
As a matter of fact, I can only remember ONE time ever seeing them "intimate". They had been divorced (one of many times) and gotten remarried, and when they told me, I remember thinking and telling them the only way I would believe it was if they kissed (you know like in cartoons, because that meant people were married ;) )
I never remember seeing them actually love each other, feel compassionate for each other. I feel like my dad was always catering to my mother's wants or threats. I think he loved her very much. I think for her, he was someone who could support her and her children, to be honest, I am not sure if my mother ever truly loved my father. I know my daddy loved me so much, that he would endure a lifetime of unhappiness, just so that I would grow up in an "unbroken" home. Little did they know, that the home I did grow up in, most times, I think, was actually more toxic to me, than growing up in a real broken home would have been.
My mother always spat toxic remarks about my dad, when they were fighting. My dad never said anything bad about my mom that I can remember, unless they were playing tug-of-war with me. Even then while she was trying to hurt him, by keeping me from him....the person she hurt the most, was me.
My dad didn't start talking negatively about my mother until recently. And it drives me crazy. And it always boils down to one topic: How she always used him. *sigh* daddy ... you knew it then, griping about it everyday now, isn't going to make it better.
To this day, I remember every single moment of the evening my mom was busted, cheating on my dad, after all, I was the one who answered the phone call from "him", and he asked to speak to daddy. I remember the cursing, and yelling, me running to my room to hide under my blanket and cry, sob actually. My mother bursting into the room asking, "what the hell are you crying about." Yes, I remember every vivid detail of that night.
That was the night, my idea of my mother, and my relationship with her changed forever. I no longer respected her. I talked back to her, I stood up to her, I became defiant to her. Who was she to tell me to obey rules and morals? That is also when ( noticed) I became less important to her, after all, I had a daddy who was always there.
I think it is things, and experiences like these, that form who we are emotionally. I never had a serious boyfriend in junior high, or high school. My reason was simple: I didn't want to end up like her. I didn't want to end up young, married to someone from my hometown, living the same life I grew up in. That wasn't how she met my dad, but it was a fear all the same.
Naturally, somehow, my first "real" relationship was with Andy, who was as emotionally, and physically committed to me, as my mom was to my dad.
And because of what I had grown up with, what I knew of relationships: was to be suspicious, jealous, be heartbroken, but give my daddy's all, and damn it keep trying.
Larry was really no different.
Boyfriend now is. He is emotionally committed to me. He wants to marry me. I don't in a million years believe he would ever cheat on me.
And maybe that is why I don't know how to handle him.
Sometimes, I think, I am like a walking grenade. That any little bump, pushes my pin out, and I over explode. I tried to explain to a friend, that I truly, because of all the experiences in my life, feel as though I am walking around with every single nerve fiber in my body is exposed, all the time. That any confrontation, and emotional upset, any comment, touches me, rakes me in every way, but unlike most other people, it isn't a soft touch. Everything hurts. Everything is painful. Because I have learned to expect the end product to hurt.
I am the woman Venus.
Something can be said to me in one fashion, and I hear it through my overstimulated, over experienced ears, and my mind races to the quickest route of knowledge, which is:
- things are only said in a negative manner
- things are only said to hurt you, or prepare you for something that is going to hurt you
- when people give you advice, or concerns, it is to criticize you, in a negative way, not constructive way.
- Can you see where I am going with this????
As the good Dr. Phil would say, you can not change something, if you can not acknowledge it.
I am well aware, of my insane hard wiring.
I see my friends who grew up with a loving family, and they themselves have a beautiful, wonderful, loving family, .... and I can't help but relate it to, of course...it is what THEY know.
I grew up in a yelling, screaming, tumultuous family, and that is what I KNOW.
Friday, January 11, 2008
A Cold Medicine Epiphany
It is 8:32 in the morning on Friday, and I think I slept maybe 2-2.5 hours last night.
Well, let me back up for a minute because I can't remember at this very moment if I have blogged about Doodlebug being so sick this weekend or not. Needless to say, we have been playing pass and catch this sucker of a little virus back and forth to each other since Saturday.
Well, He missed school on Monday ($35 down the drain-spent the day at the office with me), went to school successfully on Tuesday, and I got a phone call on Wednesday that he again had a fever of 100.6. So, I packed up at work at 11:30, and headed off to get him, and just took the rest of the day off, will use my sick days. When I get to school, all the children are outside, it is a BEAUTIFUL day, and they are finally getting to play on the big playground,....except Doodlebug, who is sitting in a chair next to the teacher *ALARMS GOING OFF*. He ran up to me and just hugged me and I could feel the heat radiating from his little 3 year old body.
At this point, I say enough to myself, about not splurging on anything. He's been wanting to watch Cars, (we lost his DVD somewhere) and I headed immediately to the nearest Target, and got it, along with Pedialyte, Kleenex, etc. The poor baby put his blankie across the bars on the buggy, and actually laid down and went to sleep. That alone broke my heart. I brought him home, fixed him a super comfy place on the love seat, and just sat with him for a little over an hour, when he woke up enough for me to give him some Tylenol, and back to sleep he went.
He reminds me so much of myself in the weirdest moments, like this one. When I was a child and got sick, I would crawl into my parents bed, and sleep until I was over it. He was pretty much doing the same thing.
The fever came and went, and yesterday a cough grabbed him up so bad, that he would cough himself into throwing up.....alot. We stayed home yesterday, unfortunately, yes I think, ugh another $35 gone.
Mid-day, he was passing whatever back to me, and my head felt like it was in a vice. I went to look under my bathroom sink because I was sure at some point, I saw some cold/allergy medicine in there.
I found some alright.
Now, I knew it was old, I rarely get sick, and I believe that this particular allergy/cold medicine was purchased while I was still living in my old college town, oh ... around 2001. And if memory serves me correctly, I think back then, they still had stuff like ephedrine in the medicine, but memory wasn't serving me at all when I took the medicine. Not much later, my congested sinus's were clearing, the vice around my face and head was letting go and I was feeling, almost new again.
Then..........I started feeling funny.
Then it hit me. . . they pulled that stuff off the shelf and reformulated their products for a reason. Isn't the stuff that people were making drugs like speed and meth with????
Yep.... I was wide awake. Bouncy even. And instead of freaking out about it, I thought, Doodlebug is asleep, I can watch t.v. all on my own (We'd watched Cars 432.5 times by now). I watched Grey's, Friends, The 48, and it was in the middle of a rerun of Sex and the City (you know the one where Carrie and Adian broke up, and she had to either buy her apartment back from him or move? She finally went to Big for some help/advice) when my Epiphany hit me. It was so clear.
I was so excited about it, I would have given anything to have had my computer at home, and started writing this last night, lord knows I was awake long enough to do so.
I have dated, seriously, 3 guys in my life, and one of the really doesn't count-as we never committed to a committed relationship, but he is so important in this epiphany. (I can't help but giggle everything I write or say that word, it just sounds silly, epiphany)
Way back when, (2000) I met Andy (names have been changed to keep my identity a secret and not to give them the chance to gloat that someone is actually blogging about them). Andy was super good looking, youngish (26-27 I think) I was 21, he had graduated from our college, owned his own business, and Mr. Can't Noooooooo-one pin his tail feathers to the floor. *Challenge* I am apparently a sucker for a challenging guy. There was instant attraction, and I was a very popular girl in college, lots of friends, sorority girl, fraternity sweetheart, cheerleader, so in a way, I was sort of another trophy for him, yeah yeah, whatever, I had fun. He was definitely a playboy, and broke my heart more times then I would like to count. The thing about Andy though (that I realized last night) was he took care of me. Meaning: he always bought dinner, drinks, covers into bars if anyone *gasp* actually charged us a cover, took me on little excursions to little places, took me to Vegas for the first time, took me to the East Coast, etc. This might even help crystallize the picture, my sorority sisters use to laugh and call him "Mr. Big". <~~ See where the moment caught me in the episode last night? Once even, we were all visiting another sorority sister, and watching 9 1/2 weeks, when Natalie looked over at me and said, "He sooo reminds me of Andy with you."
Even after I met Larry (Sept. 2001-and finally broke things off with Andy), he even bought/gave me a plane ticket so that I could fly out to Vegas with Larry that New Year's. Larry by the way is Doodlebug's "father". Larry broke my heart that March, and bad. Well, Andy swooped in, packed up my apartment, moved me to Houston after he sent me to New Orleans with my girlfriends for spring break. The next few months with Andy, were my absolute favorite ever. Because we were friends. We actually became best friends. I think it really hit him, how he had hurt me so many times in the past, so actually seeing me hurting over Larry, really upset him. Anyway, it started out that he would come visit me from Friday night after work-Sunday evening.....which quickly turned into Thursday afternoon -Tuesday morning. Nothing happened, really. It was really an awesome time, no stress about anyone expecting anything from the other person, and I was able to actually hide from my broken heart, and not get back into the dating world. How could I date with Andy there all the time? Andy being the guy he was, so often helped out with rent, or the electric bill, because he was there, 4-6 days a week. He helped. He did not just offer, he just did it. <~~~~*Impact*
Now, I would love to say unfortunately, but I can't, because if we didn't, I wouldn't have Doodlebug. Larry and I did get back together, and Andy got mad, and quite being my friend. Larry and I got engaged. Larry and I had a roller coaster of and engagement and relationship all together. Broke off the engagement. He pretended to still love me, and kept seeing each other, and we have a child together. Larry split completely out of our lives when I was 3 months pregnant when he met ku-ku-ma-new-koo, proposed to her, and married her a year later on my birthday.
Larry and I didn't work for several reasons:
Well, let me back up for a minute because I can't remember at this very moment if I have blogged about Doodlebug being so sick this weekend or not. Needless to say, we have been playing pass and catch this sucker of a little virus back and forth to each other since Saturday.
Well, He missed school on Monday ($35 down the drain-spent the day at the office with me), went to school successfully on Tuesday, and I got a phone call on Wednesday that he again had a fever of 100.6. So, I packed up at work at 11:30, and headed off to get him, and just took the rest of the day off, will use my sick days. When I get to school, all the children are outside, it is a BEAUTIFUL day, and they are finally getting to play on the big playground,....except Doodlebug, who is sitting in a chair next to the teacher *ALARMS GOING OFF*. He ran up to me and just hugged me and I could feel the heat radiating from his little 3 year old body.
At this point, I say enough to myself, about not splurging on anything. He's been wanting to watch Cars, (we lost his DVD somewhere) and I headed immediately to the nearest Target, and got it, along with Pedialyte, Kleenex, etc. The poor baby put his blankie across the bars on the buggy, and actually laid down and went to sleep. That alone broke my heart. I brought him home, fixed him a super comfy place on the love seat, and just sat with him for a little over an hour, when he woke up enough for me to give him some Tylenol, and back to sleep he went.
He reminds me so much of myself in the weirdest moments, like this one. When I was a child and got sick, I would crawl into my parents bed, and sleep until I was over it. He was pretty much doing the same thing.
The fever came and went, and yesterday a cough grabbed him up so bad, that he would cough himself into throwing up.....alot. We stayed home yesterday, unfortunately, yes I think, ugh another $35 gone.
Mid-day, he was passing whatever back to me, and my head felt like it was in a vice. I went to look under my bathroom sink because I was sure at some point, I saw some cold/allergy medicine in there.
I found some alright.
Now, I knew it was old, I rarely get sick, and I believe that this particular allergy/cold medicine was purchased while I was still living in my old college town, oh ... around 2001. And if memory serves me correctly, I think back then, they still had stuff like ephedrine in the medicine, but memory wasn't serving me at all when I took the medicine. Not much later, my congested sinus's were clearing, the vice around my face and head was letting go and I was feeling, almost new again.
Then..........I started feeling funny.
Then it hit me. . . they pulled that stuff off the shelf and reformulated their products for a reason. Isn't the stuff that people were making drugs like speed and meth with????
Yep.... I was wide awake. Bouncy even. And instead of freaking out about it, I thought, Doodlebug is asleep, I can watch t.v. all on my own (We'd watched Cars 432.5 times by now). I watched Grey's, Friends, The 48, and it was in the middle of a rerun of Sex and the City (you know the one where Carrie and Adian broke up, and she had to either buy her apartment back from him or move? She finally went to Big for some help/advice) when my Epiphany hit me. It was so clear.
I was so excited about it, I would have given anything to have had my computer at home, and started writing this last night, lord knows I was awake long enough to do so.
I have dated, seriously, 3 guys in my life, and one of the really doesn't count-as we never committed to a committed relationship, but he is so important in this epiphany. (I can't help but giggle everything I write or say that word, it just sounds silly, epiphany)
Way back when, (2000) I met Andy (names have been changed to keep my identity a secret and not to give them the chance to gloat that someone is actually blogging about them). Andy was super good looking, youngish (26-27 I think) I was 21, he had graduated from our college, owned his own business, and Mr. Can't Noooooooo-one pin his tail feathers to the floor. *Challenge* I am apparently a sucker for a challenging guy. There was instant attraction, and I was a very popular girl in college, lots of friends, sorority girl, fraternity sweetheart, cheerleader, so in a way, I was sort of another trophy for him, yeah yeah, whatever, I had fun. He was definitely a playboy, and broke my heart more times then I would like to count. The thing about Andy though (that I realized last night) was he took care of me. Meaning: he always bought dinner, drinks, covers into bars if anyone *gasp* actually charged us a cover, took me on little excursions to little places, took me to Vegas for the first time, took me to the East Coast, etc. This might even help crystallize the picture, my sorority sisters use to laugh and call him "Mr. Big". <~~ See where the moment caught me in the episode last night? Once even, we were all visiting another sorority sister, and watching 9 1/2 weeks, when Natalie looked over at me and said, "He sooo reminds me of Andy with you."
Even after I met Larry (Sept. 2001-and finally broke things off with Andy), he even bought/gave me a plane ticket so that I could fly out to Vegas with Larry that New Year's. Larry by the way is Doodlebug's "father". Larry broke my heart that March, and bad. Well, Andy swooped in, packed up my apartment, moved me to Houston after he sent me to New Orleans with my girlfriends for spring break. The next few months with Andy, were my absolute favorite ever. Because we were friends. We actually became best friends. I think it really hit him, how he had hurt me so many times in the past, so actually seeing me hurting over Larry, really upset him. Anyway, it started out that he would come visit me from Friday night after work-Sunday evening.....which quickly turned into Thursday afternoon -Tuesday morning. Nothing happened, really. It was really an awesome time, no stress about anyone expecting anything from the other person, and I was able to actually hide from my broken heart, and not get back into the dating world. How could I date with Andy there all the time? Andy being the guy he was, so often helped out with rent, or the electric bill, because he was there, 4-6 days a week. He helped. He did not just offer, he just did it. <~~~~*Impact*
Now, I would love to say unfortunately, but I can't, because if we didn't, I wouldn't have Doodlebug. Larry and I did get back together, and Andy got mad, and quite being my friend. Larry and I got engaged. Larry and I had a roller coaster of and engagement and relationship all together. Broke off the engagement. He pretended to still love me, and kept seeing each other, and we have a child together. Larry split completely out of our lives when I was 3 months pregnant when he met ku-ku-ma-new-koo, proposed to her, and married her a year later on my birthday.
Larry and I didn't work for several reasons:
- (the biggest of all) he was a cheat, and I didn't trust him
- once he moved in with me, he mooched. He couldn't find a job, and I hated the fact that I worked all day, and would come home to my apartment in a disgusting mess.
- We moved to another city, where I again supported us financially. I paid our rent, storage bill more times than not, gave him cash, other bills regularly, because his bills took most of his money. Ya know, my money was our money, his money was his money.
Anyway, lets super fast forward to current boyfriend. He makes good money. I have know him since Doodlebug was 1. At the time we met, Larry was no where. He stopped visitation ( I have to laugh that I am calling 7 very short visits "visitation") and was beginning to stop paying child support. I was right smack in the middle of nursing school at the time, and struggling as much as I had ever known up to that point. One day, a fellow classmate, gave me a roll of quarters so I could buy Doodlebug diapers. (Larry was according to his myspace page in Vegas, with not his wife-they had split up already ).
Anyway, my point is this: new boyfriend has seen me struggle. More so now than ever. He has seen me cry my eyes out, trying to figure out how I am going to pay day care, pay bills, buy clothes for growing baby, etc.
After being together a year, he begged me to move here, and when I did, he balked about moving in together, hence me living in a stupid garage apartment that I despise. He has seen me miserable about my living arrangement (his answer is get rid of my dog--and I can live anywhere I want--not going to happen). He has seen me trying like mad to figure out how I am going to pay daycare. He has seen my broken hearted, and broken spirited about my finances. Now let me mention, I do get my bills paid, I may have NOTHING left afterwards, but damn it, it gets taken care of.
What struck me last night was, not one time has he ever said to me, "Let me pay/help you with daycare this week. Can I help you with anything?" Nothing. Of course he is always upset, that we can't go out , or we're always stuck at home, but he has never offered to help.
Once, I gave him my credit card to pick up my dog food for me, and he didn't' feel comfortable using it, so he bought it,....I wrote him a $25 check to pay him back. When I finally broke down, and asked him to help me, asked him to pay half of my $55 birth control, his answer was, "well how about I just don't cash this check?"
What I realized last night.......
I am that traditionalist, that conservative person, I have tried my whole life to run away from.
My dad took care of my mom. He didn't earn much, but he was the breadwinner. I want that. I am not a "gold-digger" so please do not take my love of how Andy took care of me as that, because it wasn't. But I want someone to take care of me, my children. I want someone who wants me to be home raising our children more than I am at work. I don't think I could handle being a stay at home mom, but I would definitely would give just about anything to be home more.
I couldn't help but wonder, is this where all my angst for boyfriend is coming from? Is it the fact that he hasn't really done anything, to make my struggle lighter, what bothers me so much. He is needy in an emotional way, but I have pretty much been refusing to give, and I think this is why. Why give him what he needs, he has yet to give me even an inkling of what I need: support, strength, stability, the feeling of security, the feeling that I am someone he wants to take care of, in every way, not just physically, which I haven't been to keen on in a long time either. . . .
And it did bother me a little,that he has known how sick Doodlebug and I have been, that I have gotten no sleep, minus last night hiatus. I just wish one of the times I invited him over, he would have came and snuggled up to Doodlebug for a hour or two...so I could sleep.
Don't get me wrong, there are PLENTY of things he does right.
But I can't help but wonder:
- Did I jump into this relationship too soon, meaning, I was still new to parenting, and hadn't figured it all out yet, (still haven't)
- Was I ready for a relationship? Or did I just want to even the score with ex and psycho-wife?
- Was I looking for a partner for me?
- Or a dad for my son?
- Is this normal? Do people always question their relationships this way?
Can I have my cake and eat it too?
Or because I am a single parent, do I have to give up on my dreams of a knight and shinning armour? Which he is in sooooooo many ways, but......
I can't help but wonder about my married with children friends. . . do they go through the same emotional and mental torture I put myself through? Or because they were married first does it make it so different, that single parents just feel like they are living on a planet all on our own. Team HardKnocks.
I just love when my married with children friends tell me, how strong I am, how courageous I am, how they could never do what I have done. . . . Of course I thank them politely, and tell them in my head: "Of course you could. I am no different that you. You are a mother, and you love your baby(s) as much as I love mine, and you too would do anything you had to do, for them."
I just got off the phone with a pregnant (married) friend, and got that spill, which is why I wrote about it.
And I told her, you have two choices:
- You can wake up, realize that have this amazing thing in your life, and you can decide to enjoy every minute of it, and experience every minute of good or bad, and be proud of it..... or
- You can let it drag you down. You can let yourself be miserable, and pity yourself (which I do alot on my own--for sanity's sake)and feel sorry for yourself, and spend wasted time wondering "what-if" when in reality...not a bit of that is going to do you, or your child(ren) any single bit of good.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
An Unfortunate Reality
It's been a long week for me.
The doodlebug, unexpectedly got sick this weekend. You KNOW your child is sick, when they are playing with the neighbor kids outside "at the farm" in their battery operated monster truck around all the new mud, and they walk in on their own, because they want to take a nap. Then they wake up about an hour and a half later with a temperature of 102.6, and starts vomiting. Needless to say, a very long, exhausting weekend of taking care of a sick toddler. Then to add to the magic, I started feeling sick. But a few days of laying around, not really doing anything, other than trying to lay quietly on the couch when I got home from work, & bed at 8 pm last night, and today I actually feel tons better.
A moment of sad reality hit me this morning though. And I thought: How sad of a romantic reality, it is, that is thrust upon single moms. From the beginning of 'being single', we daydream and romanticize about being back in a loving, romantic wistful relationship, and how great someone is going to be when we fall in love again, and they with us and our little one(s). And for some of us it does happen, and we are lucky. And in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life. For example, as I glanced at the clock in my truck this morning, it was 6:32, and I couldn't help but think, my boyfriend's alarm hasn't even gone off yet. He, is still sleeping. I, have gotten up, showered, fixed coffee, my breakfast, packed Doodlebug's breakfast, made his hot chocolate, walked the dog, dressed, dressed my son, packed my stuff for the day, in the car and headed out of the driveway.
As I started my drive this morning, the sad thought entered my head, if he ever asked me (which he has in some ways but not directly) if I could live without him, I would have to answer: Of course. Which isn't something someone in love wants to hear or even think about. But that is the sad, unfortunate reality of single moms. We can live without them. We have lived without them. We have survived, and need be, of course we still could. And that's sad to me, because I can remember being in love, and feeling like I just couldn't live without that person, and that, I feel has somewhat been robbed from me, and in the same breathe, on the flip side, is incredibly liberating too. Yes of course I would like have that special someone in my life, but I have learned to do it on my own, so that sense of "I'll do whatever it takes, to make this relationship work," is just lost on me. I don't have that feeling. That part of me is pretty much dead.
I say that because we had another fight on New Year's Day. And I didn't cry. I didn't care. If we broke up , yes I would have been sad, but I would have moved on much easier than he, and that actually broke my heart. Have I learned to be that heartless? Has being a single mom, roughing it, made me cynical? Closed off to "fighting for what I want?"
I almost hate to say it, but the thing is....I am mostly satisfied and content to come home every day, fix dinner, be lazy on the couch and go to bed, not worry about romance.
Grr, enough about all of that.
What else to talk about now, I guess my dieting which just isn't going. I've gained 2+lbs. Not happy.
I would give anything to lose about 10 lbs, but that would take going to the gym, and um,... where to find the time right?
Ok, going to study now.
The doodlebug, unexpectedly got sick this weekend. You KNOW your child is sick, when they are playing with the neighbor kids outside "at the farm" in their battery operated monster truck around all the new mud, and they walk in on their own, because they want to take a nap. Then they wake up about an hour and a half later with a temperature of 102.6, and starts vomiting. Needless to say, a very long, exhausting weekend of taking care of a sick toddler. Then to add to the magic, I started feeling sick. But a few days of laying around, not really doing anything, other than trying to lay quietly on the couch when I got home from work, & bed at 8 pm last night, and today I actually feel tons better.
A moment of sad reality hit me this morning though. And I thought: How sad of a romantic reality, it is, that is thrust upon single moms. From the beginning of 'being single', we daydream and romanticize about being back in a loving, romantic wistful relationship, and how great someone is going to be when we fall in love again, and they with us and our little one(s). And for some of us it does happen, and we are lucky. And in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life. For example, as I glanced at the clock in my truck this morning, it was 6:32, and I couldn't help but think, my boyfriend's alarm hasn't even gone off yet. He, is still sleeping. I, have gotten up, showered, fixed coffee, my breakfast, packed Doodlebug's breakfast, made his hot chocolate, walked the dog, dressed, dressed my son, packed my stuff for the day, in the car and headed out of the driveway.
As I started my drive this morning, the sad thought entered my head, if he ever asked me (which he has in some ways but not directly) if I could live without him, I would have to answer: Of course. Which isn't something someone in love wants to hear or even think about. But that is the sad, unfortunate reality of single moms. We can live without them. We have lived without them. We have survived, and need be, of course we still could. And that's sad to me, because I can remember being in love, and feeling like I just couldn't live without that person, and that, I feel has somewhat been robbed from me, and in the same breathe, on the flip side, is incredibly liberating too. Yes of course I would like have that special someone in my life, but I have learned to do it on my own, so that sense of "I'll do whatever it takes, to make this relationship work," is just lost on me. I don't have that feeling. That part of me is pretty much dead.
I say that because we had another fight on New Year's Day. And I didn't cry. I didn't care. If we broke up , yes I would have been sad, but I would have moved on much easier than he, and that actually broke my heart. Have I learned to be that heartless? Has being a single mom, roughing it, made me cynical? Closed off to "fighting for what I want?"
I almost hate to say it, but the thing is....I am mostly satisfied and content to come home every day, fix dinner, be lazy on the couch and go to bed, not worry about romance.
Grr, enough about all of that.
What else to talk about now, I guess my dieting which just isn't going. I've gained 2+lbs. Not happy.
I would give anything to lose about 10 lbs, but that would take going to the gym, and um,... where to find the time right?
Ok, going to study now.
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