I lost my best friend

I will write more. But I have been absent because my dog, became gravely ill.

After an emergency surgery, and tons of care from me, he passed in his sleep monday morning on a palet I had been laying on next to his kennel.

Steph T..... send me a text message, and I will call you.

I am devasted. I am heartbroken.

And I have alot to write about. But just not yet.

I'm here,...I promise

Ok...

Well... most important thing is first.

TERMINATION OF PARENTAL RIGHTS.

After 2 snarky emails from the EX,...and one 'mystery email' from janedoe12345676@yahoo.com ......

I talked to my attorney today, and he told me that in the mail today, were the signed and notarized papers from the Ex.

Yea!!!

Now all I have to do is file them.

I'm not sure what the next steps are, because he is a few thousand dollars behind in the arrears, (which is what first snarky email was about)

Ana,
I have done everything I can do and begged everyone I know to help me catch up on the money situation to no avail.

I have sold and/or pawned everything I own to try to keep up with my own bills and it is not enough, I'm too far behind.

My house was foreclosed on, I was evicted from my last rent house for not paying the rent and I'm 17 days late on the rent at my current rent house with no idea of how I'm going to catch that up either.

Dingo left the company to get another job a few weeks ago so the business is even worse off than before and she is moving out and leaving me next week.

I am doing side jobs for extra money, but it is still not going to be enough for me to catch up or to EVER afford the amount of child support and much less ever have the money to get another attorney to help me get it lowered to a reasonable amount.

Can we PLEASE move forward with the termination? I am not happy about it, but that is obviously what you want and I HAVE to do something to stop the accrual of these support bills.

They will be revoking my probation any day now and I will not be able to catch it up or even show up in court which means I will be arrested and there is NO chance of me having any money after that.

I have attached a copy of the summary of all of our company bank balances and a copy of the detail statement of our main construction account so that you can see what I'm talking about. There is NO money to be had from me PERIOD.

Virtually every transaction you see on there is auto debits to keep the web site up(our only decent source of income), gas, or me eating with work crews at 7eleven.

We could have had this deal done 3 months ago if y'all had accepted the termination without forcing me to -pay off all of the support.
We could have had this done 12 months ago if you had agreed to let the support be lowered to a reasonable amount.

Now it's so bad that I don't honestly know if I can even save the business and you need to understand that it is NOT just ME who will suffer if the business fails...
We have real customers who have given us their savings and are waiting for me to build their jobs and they will lose their money if I go to jail and the company has to file bankruptcy.

I have real subcontractors with real families who are waiting to be paid and now THEY are all close to getting evicted/foreclosed on, etc.

Dingo's family and my friends have all given us money over the last year or two to get us through this deal and now THEY are all in danger of wasting their investments in this as well.

This has cost me nearly $100,000.00 in after-tax cash, a home, a marriage and I don't even have the benefit of snuggling up to a laughing and playing with Doodlebug which I'm sure would have been a very nice consolation to all this misery, but I'll never know that either.

Enough is enough, Ana this not a game that you are winning because you hate me, this is serious stuff that is ruining multiple lives.

I am going to give the documents to your attorney again next week and you need to get on with making this stop.

I will be available if Doodlebug ever wants to contact me, but I will not ever try to visit or be involved again unless you or he contacts me and asks me to and I'm not promising I'll be able/willing to be involved then either unless it's an emergency or it's just because Doodlebug wants to meet me.

However, once I am able to get back on my fet in a few years, I will be making good money again and you need to keep in mind that it sure would be nice to have me as an ally if something bad ever happens and/or if Doodlebug needs help for college, etc.

I am going to put the rest of my furniture and tools up for sale this week, but I will probably only be able to raise maybe $1500-$3,000 for everything which I will pay to support to try and keep them from revoking my probation, but when you get that money I need you to make good on your previous promise to pay it back into the child support fund. You'll get the money back in 3 days and if you and your attorney can get the termination done, this will be over.

If my contribution and your matching contribution are not enough to pay off the balance of the support, I will make payments or something to pay the rest off, but we have to do something to stop the new payments from coming in because like I said, this is IT. There will never be another chance after this that I'll be able to keep up with those payments.

Please let me know what y'all want to do, I'm sure you can forward this to your attorney, so I won't bother faxing it over and you can tell him not to bother with sending me a letter telling me not to contact you, I already know he doesn't like it. Tell him to save the cost of the postage and buy Doodlebug a granola bar or something useful.

Also, please let me know if you are not willing to do this, because if you are not, then I won't be able to stop the revocation of my probation so I will need to use the money to pay another attorney instead of paying the support.

Also, I'll need the attorney to go ahead and file the transfer motion to Houston

If I don't hear anything back from you in a few days, I'll still send the documents to your attorney, but I'll have to spend the money on an attorney.

Please don't think that's just a threat. I have to do that or I won't have anybody to protect me through the new eviction and the revocation hearings in Hardin county and the only way I'll ever get an actual day in court is if the case is transferred to another county(I hope), which it should be legally anyway.

*sigh*

Then I got this email...to which it is a letter to my attorney:

Dear Ana's Attorney:
I appreciate your concern about my troubles, but the bankruptcy was last year and it’s now been discharged. Remember, that was taking place while you and Ms. Anabiosis were refusing to let anyone believe I was anything less than a millionaire in order to keep my child support payments high. Shortly after that was when my home was foreclosed on.

The impending matter is my 2nd eviction in 6 months, but at least I know the XXXXX County Sheriff’s dept. will have a bed ready for me after you and Ms. Anabiosis get through with me. You know the irony of that is that Doodlebug has not lived even a single day of his life in XXXXXXX County outside of maybe visiting his grandparents. It’s almost funny how you’ve helped Ana cheat the system and break the law. Almost.

Losing Dingo is a real shame, but imagine how much better her life will be without all of this drama! I can only dream…

By the way, I’m glad I still amaze you. I’d hate for you to get bored over there!

OK, back to the matter at hand. As far as the tax stimulus checks are concerned, neither Dingo nor I received our checks and they were reported to have gone to the Child Support office. The other money matters are either not worth discussing because we are in disagreement or are related to the fact that I don’t have money and can’t do much about it right now.

As far as contacting Ana goes, I have not threatened her in any way, unless you think that my desire to hire an attorney is a threat. Additionally, there is no valid reason for her and me not to be in contact. After all, my son lives with her and if I’m not mistaken, I do believe that in Judge ABC’s last ruling he told us to be reasonable and try to work things out on our own without going to court. I can send you a copy of the ruling if you have forgotten. Regardless, I will continue to contact her regarding this matter, at will, as long as she is in possession of my son or until a judge orders me not to.

I am mailing the signed affidavit to you as soon as I’m through writing this letter and my only desire is for this matter to be resolved one way or another. Until then, I am going to

Page 2
pay as much as I can towards my support and exercise my visitation rights as outlined in our current set of temporary orders which are now into the standard visitation phase.

You may tell your client that I will be notifying her at least one day in advance of my court scheduled visitation periods if I am not going to be there. Otherwise, I will be there to pick up Doodlebug at every appointed time starting after September 1st. I believe the next, scheduled visit will be on Sunday, September 7th which I thought would be nice because both of our birthdays are that week. I guess the one good thing about being single is that I will be able to focus a lot more of my time on Doodlebug until the termination goes through.

I hope you are doing well and I look forward to speaking with you again soon.
Sincerely,
The Ding-bat loser Ex

But like I said...my attorney now has the termination papers in hand, so we will file asap, and just go step by step from there!!

Steph T!

Call me when you get a chance! Doodlebug's birthday party is this weekend!

Coming Back Soon!

Just wanted to let everyone know......that I will be back soon!

Maybe be shutting down

Seems boyfriend has found my blog, so I'll probaby be shutting it down.

I just don't think he'll understand my need to write passionately about the things in my life including him, without him getting mad.

He keeps alluding to the fact that he knows, but just won't come out and say it.

He doesn't seem to understand my need, to not involve him in everything I do. That I need some seperation once in a while.

I knew this the other day...I had that feeling...and I thought about taking it down but I didn't.

I'm not hiding anything...I just need my own space to vent....

But I guess...I just can't have it.

An Off Day from the Start

I actually went to bed early last night, because, well,...I love sleep. I love the feeling of being well rested, and waking up to a wonderful new day. Except I didn't sleep at all last night. So the morning was filled with continually reaching for the snoozer.

So, I was late-ish, and to me, being late just means not being early. Didn't have time to make coffee, Doodle was exceptionally hard to wake up this morning, and well, even though I had my great bowl of Cheerios, I just wanted more....so I stopped for an everything bagel, and a Dr. Pepper. And I am ok with that.

As a matter of fact, I am becoming, slowly, more and more ok with things in my life, and that is/was the point of this blog.

Even yesterday, after finding out, that the Ex, still hasn't decided to hand over, the already signed and notarized termination papers, that we will once again be headed back to court, there is a certain calm over me.

When we head to court, it will have been 7 months and 4 days, since he initially agreed to terminate his rights. He has paid a total of $50 since then in child support. A writ of wage garnishment was mailed out to his wife (the 100% owner of 'their' company) as well as a filing of child support enforcement. So, all I know about this court date will be: He will be asked to come up with around $6933 (if he doesn't make any more $50 payments) at that time, and will have a number of things that could possibly happen. He could be sentenced to jail time, probation, or possibly/hopefully, just hand over the papers.

Do I have a feeling he/they are going to pull some of their common strings, i.e.; we need more time, we don't have a lawyer; show how their house is up for foreclosure supposedly again, they have hocked their wedding rings again, and any other number of pitiful song and dances, probably. Do I expect it? Of course.

The problem here, is that my child (I feel) from his standpoint, has become nothing other than trying to "beat me", or "win" at some weird pissing contest. After 3 and a half years, it is easy to see it isn't about Doodlebug, because if it were, he would be around. He doesn't care about him, he cares about me. Not in the romantic loving way of course, but about putting in my some sort of place and winning at something I haven't figured out yet. And I use the term "winning" because it is one that not only he, but his crazy wife has used, " You Win." Well, you're damn right I win, I won years ago, by creating and having a beautiful child, that I love every single second of every single day.

So today just feel like a weird day for me. Because I am eating junk, and I don't care.

Because I have yet another inevitably ugly court day looming in my future, and I am not freaked out about it...yet. Even my mother told me yesterday, not to worry, and I said "I'm not.....you know I am."

I worry because there is a possibility that he will ask for and get some sort of visitation set up. That is the unfortunate right of DNA. He hasn't been available to my son for 3+ years, but when it is convenient for him, he'll have that right. Any parent who truly loved and cared for their child, would move mountains to be with them, and use the time they have with them. All I was asking for was for him to fulfill his supervised visits in a fashion so that Doodles would become familiar with him, bond with him, and not see him as a stranger who showed up so sporadically he wouldn't know the difference between him and the UPS guy. I really don't think that is too much to ask, especially after watching him and the Dingo, wrestle a 9-10 month old together, and finally put the diaper on backwards.

I want to take Friday off, for a day to myself before my new job starts. My boss is leaving thursday at noon to go to North Dakota to look for a place to live. I think he wants me here to wait for lab results if they get faxed in.....so I don't know how to ask for the day off....

I just want a little time to myself.

A sweet and sad weekend

So the doodle's and I tracked all the way to Austin this weekend to visit our friends, "T her daughter, and son, and "Z" and her 2 sons. It was a fun drive, although alot longer than I thought. It was such a great time, so get to see my friends, and their children, and watch them all play together.

A sweet sadness rushes over me each and every time I leave Austin, because, Austin, is the one place that feels like "home" to me, but this time was even worse.

It was a weird feeling, because I was watching, and listening to my friends, who I thought I had everything in common with, and realized, that we might not have that much in common at all anymore, than the ages of our children.

They are both stay at home moms, except for"Z" who works 16ish hrs a month, which I didn't know, and I am soooooooooo happy for her, and it was then, when I found that out, I realized, I am still and probably always be the odd one out.

They both gushed about things like 'mis-treatments' which I knew nothing about, or tried to explain CVSing to me, which sounds like a great idea, but I just don't think I'll ever have the time to do it.

But it was when, I saw T,....letting her daughter chose a board game that I realized how different we were. I couldn't help but stand there amazed at how relaxed, and unhurried she was, when asking her daughter to choose between games....and I thought....wow, because she isn't trying to hurry an entire day of time with her baby into a few hours like I do everyday. And I think because of that, she is a better mom. I on the other hand, am rushing from the moment I wake him up with, "hurry up baby, Mommy's late, we gotta leave!", to trying to fit an entire day of love into the minutes from when I pick him up at about 5:45pm, to the moment I put him to bed around 9pm.
I say 'better mom' because she was telling me a story about her sister-in-law, who is now a better mom because she got a new vehicle, and it makes her happy, and therefore made her a better mom. I cried so much on the way home, I ended up taking an ativan to sleep, and started taking my lexapro again, just because, I feel like I am running in a rat wheel sometimes.

I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel successful to me. Yes of course I do sometimes, but man it really hit me hard Saturday, mostly because I wish I had the one thing the two of them have, that no matter how hard I work....I'll never get ~ just more time with my child.

And for one of many times I am sure, I will wonder, am I doing good enough for him? What about future children? Are they lacking for me not being able to be home. I don't know, it was just the ease and grace one of my friends had while we all were grazing around her home and I thought, "wow".... what a wonderful world for her and her children. I can't image waking up leisurely, and my children doing to so as well, and off for a day of play in the yard, and snacks, and cartoons, or a trip to the park!!! What an adventure!

So,...if anyone knows a way to cheat and give me the winning lottery ticket numbers,....I'll gladly share with you. :)

On another note, I did just now, at this moment find out that I have court facing the EX, on June 24, at 8:00.......63 days from now.

A Small Thank You

I just wanted to take some time, to say thank you....

There are just a handful of friends, people in my real world, here who read this blog, and there are a handful of people whom have wandered on my blog from places like Ms.SingleMama's site or other one's that I frequent.....and all the other's that show up on my stat counter....I just don't know, but to everyone...

Thank You All So Much! ! !

I know some people may think it crazy for me to be putting all my 'issues' out on the internet, for strangers to read, but it really is cathartic for me. Then some people say do it in private. And I say, it's other's people's points of view, that sometimes pull me out of my own, and help me put situations more into perspective.

And I know,....that I have mostly been beating a dead horse lately, with my talk about the Ex and Dingo,...but it's just one of those things I have to let out.

I can't wait to have some sort of resolution to this all.

I do want to start the forgiveness process...but I feel like I can't, until it's over, and I know that they aren't going to be throwing anymore punches.

I am super glad that it is Friday, because that means that The Doodle's and I will head out to Austin tomorrow to visit Z & T and I can't wait!!!

T you need to call me today!!!!!

oh...and I am not taking Lexapro anymore... I did for 2 or 3 days...and I couldn't tolerate the headache it gave me. But I feel fine...and I think when the court stuff erupts, the ativan I have will help.....

I should know something next week about a court date....

A Small History Lesson

I was reading http://singledads.wordpress.com/2008/04/10/one-thing-can-improve-your-co-parenting-life-and-i-have-evidence/#comments

And he said the same thing my pastor said.....which started this blog...that I haven't been able to do...

I know after he reads my comment, he's probably thinking...just do it.

But here are some of the reasons I can't
on my very first proposal of him terminating his parental rights while I was still pregnant:

I have thought over your offer and I accept. Would you like to draw up the papers or shall I take care of it. I guess I must apologize, maybe you are not the money grubbing bitch I thought you were. I will offer a full and very sincere apology to you as soon as you actually go through with your offer.

Excerpts from Emails:


I will be there for sure next visit. I had a garage sale today. I really miss Doodlebug and next time may be the last for a few weeks, so please do not fuck this visit up for me. I'm not even going to respond to everything you said in your email because everytime I try to write back I start being vicious. Just don't screw up my visit, my life is absolutely miserable right now financially and I can't afford a trip down if it's not quality time.

As you'll remember, I am not someone who thinks well of worthless trash like yourself who steals from and defrauds the government for BS reasons so please stop reminding me that that is how you make a large part of your living.

Now why don't you go enjoy the rest of your permanent vacation of life that you've made for yourself and since this letter will probably upset you and because you don't have anything urgent to do like earn a living, then why don't you just go out and buy yourself some more nice things with Doodlebugs's money that I send every month

I'm sure he'd understand. Oh, and I sure he'll understand when you tell him that you chose NOT to use his health insurance to help him just because the insurance company accidentally put his father's last name on his card.

I guess at least I know you're teaching him something even if it is how to live off the backs of other people illegally. nice work mom

Remember that we agreed that you wouldn't allow your criminal friends or family members around Doodlebug. (when in actualality....he is the one with criminal friends, and he himself a multiple offender.)

We aren't coming to the visit. Sorry about the short notice, I forgot it was the 5th Sunday.


The Dingo wrote the following from emails, to Private Messages, to posts on web boards:

Ok, let me first preface this by saying that my SS is very young, so this is not an issue that we expected to be arguing with the BM about so soon. I bought a gift that I addressed To: SS From: Dad and Mama Dingo. Now this was a gift that I unintentionally left at the BMs house during the last visit, but one that SS could have kept for a long time (if she didn't throw it away), so that is why I wrote anything at all on it. My DH and I have briefly discussed what I would want to be called, but as I said, we did not expect it to ba an issue anytime soon. We both feel that children should call all adults by Mr. or Mrs. So and So or Grandma, Granny, etc. We will never allow our children to call an adult by their first name, except in certain situations. So, it was a given that we would not encourage or allow SS to call me Dingo. My DH would honestly love to see that SS cared for me enough to just call me some motherly term, whatever it is. (since I will have bee around him since only a few months old) But in an effort not to force that upon my SS I thought about Mama Dingo, and just wrote it. Like I said, we didn't even intend to leave the gift there, and to us it is a non-issue at this early stage.But all hell broke loose when we got a msg from BM several hours later informing us (in the short version), that SS would never be calling me anything else other than Dingo and that there is only one Mom and one Dad, and no other person would be referred to in a fatherly or motherly matter, period.

I don't really know where I'm going with all this, but it just boggles my mind that it's that big of a deal. I understand she is hurt, I don't agree with it, but she chose to live a single mom's life and she had to know that one day her ex boyfriend would marry, and she would have to deal with another woman raising her child part time. She has had almost two years to realize the situation she was in, so I think it's time to move on and not fight us on reasonable things.

P.S. I didn't mean to offend any single moms out there. I should elaborate a little more by saying that they were not dating anymore when SS was conceived (shame on both of them). She consistently pushed for some sort of reconciliation with my husband and it was made very clear by my husband, both before and after the conception that it would never happen. It was only a few months later that my husband and I got back together (we had dated several years before), and we decided to get married. So there was no expectation of a nuclear family if she had the baby, and I have been around before he was even born. Thank God she did have him because he is a blessing and we love him very much, but I don't want her now pretending like she is entitled to some cookie cutter family where there is only one mom and one dad. She didn't have it before and she shouldn't expect it now. So I'm not bashing single moms, Lord nows I could have been one. If they were married for awhile and the child was older, then I would not expect to come into the picture after a divorce and be called mama, but that is simply not the case here. I just wanted to clear up why I feel she is being unreasonable, and make sure I didn't hurt anyone's feelings.

My excuse is that I am up packing for our cruise we're leaving on tomorrow. Hmmm...a cruise, I guess that makes me a winner not a loser....Ha, Ha ;) Why can't you move your neck???

No offense to anyone, because I understand that the norm is that Mom is an ex-wife. The Mom in my situation is NOT an ex wife, or even an ex fiance (according to everyone besides Mom). They dated for a couple of years and were broken up before DSS was conceived. So is it OK that we refer to her as the only thing she is and ever was and ever will be...Mom?? It plays on my sensitive side to hear her called SW or ex-wife. I can admit that I don't want her being referred to as anything other than what she is, an ex-girlfriend. That's my female bullsh!t coming out. But the reality is, I think it's important to call her an ex-girlfriend or Mom only, because I think it puts this whole thing in perspective. Knowing that they were not as serious as a married couple or even two people who are exclusively dating, I think should make a huge difference in understanding why we believe some of her demands and expectations are unreasonable. So that is why I bring up the title, I just want to be clear on why things are the way they are in our situation.

Doodle's so cute and innocent and he deserves to be around good people like my husband and I. So the more we can see him and influence h
im the better.

i have never acted like ana, and i would have been married to the father, it's very different

but of course i feel EX is better so i don't care if it makes ana feel bad we think that way

Wow, I actually read that whole thing!!! I would be real ticked. Honestly, my DH hates Mom, so events like this in the future...I don't even know if we'll ever all be in the same room at the same time on purpose. But if Mom ever acted like that DH would have definitely put her in her place right there in front of everyone.


Now can anyone understand why I am having a hard time with forgiveness...

If you can read this...and then please explain to me how...and this is just a fraction,...

I am dying to know how... all input is wanted....

I don't even have words....

to express what I am feeling as I read this link, http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/04/15/fragmented.families.ap/index.html, which I found from http://www.singlemomseeking.com/.

NEW YORK (AP) -- Divorce and out-of-wedlock childbearing cost U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion a year, according to a study commissioned by four groups advocating more government action to bolster marriages.

Marriages....really? Out-of-wedlock childbearing cost the U.S. taxpayers more than $112 billion....

I read some of Rachel's comments on her page about how, "Well...if any of the mother's have ever been on WIC or any other government funding, well THEY ARE THE ONES COSTING TAXPAYERS...."

Let me try to set that record straight for a moment, please.

I was 26 when Doodlebug was born. And for a decade previous to that, I was a tax payer, myself. Always paying my taxes from my first job in a grocery store, to the job I held as a nurse aide at mother/baby.

After returning home, he was on Medicaid, waiting for his father to decided if he was a dad or not, and putting him on his insurance at the AG's order. Even then, it was, my goodness, months, or even closer to a year or longer before I could use them. Because he put the wrong name on the card, and refused to fix it. With me being a student, Doodle still qualified for Medicaid, and thank God I had it, other wise, I don't have a clue how his medical bills would have been paid. And yes, we even accepted WIC for a very short amount of time.

But my God, if as a Tax-payer myself for a decade, and now, am not someone who qualified and was deserving, to receive financial help from a program that I paid into myself, then who the hell does qualify???

And now, I am a single mom, ohhhh the blasphemy.... and a tax-payer...... so who am I taking money from again...myself?????

"The study documents for the first time that divorce and unwed childbearing -- besides being bad for children -- are costing taxpayers a ton of money," said David Blankenhorn, president of the Institute for American Values.


I just don't know what to say except, that I am not a drain on the U.S. economy...

however people like my EX...who is so 'Holy' married.... a deadbeat dad....and files bankrupcty for nearly half a million.... Which I know for a fact, as written as a private message to my friend, 2 years previous, that they were broke and needing to file bankruptcy...so what did they do?

Thank you, things are great with XXXX(The EX) and I. All it took was a good sit down chat about the things that were bothering both of us. He is really stressed about money, and it is wearing down our souls. We will probably be filing bankruptcy in the next few months, but I guess lots of people have to do that. It will not affect doodlebug's insurance or child support, so no need to let Ana know about it. Please keep that between us. I will try and catch up more soon.

They spent the next two years... racking up their debt...just to be discharged.

What has this hard working, tax paying momma done? Paid off bills, almost paid off all credit bills, bought a house, and raised a child on my own...

Now... please tell me....

who is the drain by $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ on the economy?????????

Hold on to yer Panties

I got Child Support on the 14th.... you know, the day before my tax deadline, and before my "you pay my arrears or I'll be picking him up the next sunday" deadline....

Guess how much???

A whopping $50 dollars...

I defer back to my previous statement of, Can you feed your pets with that???

How ridiculous.....is this?

Me in Six Words or Less

One of my every morning reads, is MommyPie , I love her. I love her because she is a single mom, but more than that, she is hilarious. She cracks me up. Everything from her granny panties, to the most recent, Where's Waldo post.


I read one today where I should be summing me up in six words or less.

I am my own Rising Phoenix.

I think back on my 'issues' as MommyPie wrote it....and they are long and painful. From a terrible relationship with my mother that started when I was a child, and lasted until my son was born, to the nasty relationships along the way before the doozy of them all with my son's biological father (I hate that word by the way - but have no clue really how else to refer to him).

My relationship with my Ex was on of dependency, and emotional and mental abuse. There was a time that I felt worthless. That I would never be as in love or happy as I was (I had no idea) then. I was a wreck and a mess. My life was doomed to sadness and emptiness.

Good grief, I would like to go back in time and just whisper to myself back then.

Now, I am a strong woman. I am someone who has carried and given birth to a child without a significant other. I have raised that baby (with the help of my family) by myself. I have found a new partner, that I love very much, although it is a very different, much more mature love. I doubt that I will ever have the same love for anyone that I did for EX, because I am not, nor will I ever been that impressionable, immature, vulnerable girl again. And he was my first love, and I don't think, that the feelings you get when it's the first time you experience something like, are not re~creatable in the same sense. It's like the first time you ever in your life, rode a roller coaster. They are all fun and scary, and give that rush of adrenaline, and completely fulfilling, but they will never feel like that first time you sat in that cart, clicked in and started up that first hill, not knowing what was ahead.

I am still pretty new to the blogger world, and still do not understand some of the lingo, so when MommyPie writes things like:

4. Tag at least five more blogs with links.

I'm not quite sure what that means....so anyway here are the rules:

1. Write your own six word memoir.

2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want.

3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to the original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere.

4. Tag at least five more blogs with links.

5. Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play…

I had a pretty good weekend. OH AND BEFORE I FORGET......... I PASSED MY RN TEST WITH THE FLYING COLORS OF A "B" !!!!!!!

Our friends came up from Beaumont with their 2 daughters; and we had a blast! Yesterday was the laziest Sunday ever, which was so nice., but unfortunately, I am still so sleepy.

With my mention in my previous post about, I got it back...

It wasn't a link... it was a picture of the Dingo. Two of them actually. First and foremost, I have to add some history here.

When Ex and I were together, I was anywhere between 110-120lbs tops. I easily wore a size 2 in anything. Tiny thing. However, Ex used to call me cankles, tell me that I looked fat, and then to top it off, after a day of trying on wedding dresses, I made the comment that I found one that I like, and I laughed because it was a size 8. He looked me dead in the eye, and said, "No wife of mine will ever wear a size 8". I replied with, are you kidding me, you have to wear so much crap under those things, everyone wears 2 sizes bigger than their clothes sizes. He again said, "like I said, no wife of mine will ever wear a size 8 in anything..."

The first time I saw Dingo, I thought about once when he told me, that after a few years of marriage (to me) he'd probably be trading me in for younger, smaller version.

We look nothing alike. We're the same height, both had long blonde hair, but similarities ended there. I had just had a baby, and no where near my size 2, she was though. I am willing to be that any of you reading this, are thinking...let it go. And a few other's are probably laughing right there with me.

I'm going to get a better full bodied picture of myself up here, maybe tomorrow...

Again... I know that this blog is suppose to be about therapy for me.

A new life, a new beginning, and for the most part it is.

But sometimes, just sometimes, you get the 'revenge' you want because a picture really does say a thousand words.

I got it back...

I've been in a funk...about dieting and eating healthy...

and today


I saw something on the internet

it made my day, no week, no probably year or better...

and lets just say...

working out and dieting back ON!

oh yeah...and I am a Cheater

All I think about is dieting...and losing weight..and all that fun stuff...

but lately all I want to do at work is EAT EAT EAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alot of mornings I stop and get kolache's, and donuts..and Dr. Pepper.

Then...lately...i've been eating out for lunch..instead of my Lean Cuisine...

and even now, I'm snacking on nuts....

I think it is the boredom of my job that keeps me eating so much...


ugh...

right now... I just want to binge, binge, binge!

Birth Control Help

ok...ANY LADIES out there, with any great info pleeeeease help me.

I've been playing around with my BC this year.

Have always been on ortho-trycyclin forever and ever,until I tried the patch and was blessed with my son...but got on ortho-tricyclin lo after having Doodlebug.

I dont know if it was the pill or the change in my body but I felt like it made me a nutscase.

So, I switched to Lybrel. The no-period pill. My mood swings are non-existent, however you have break through bleeding that I can not handle anymore. It's just enough to annoy the hell out of you, and can last for up to 2 weeks at a time. (Dr's office says, ...yeah that can happen for the first year or so)- done.

So then, I called and got them to call me something in to my pharmacy, and they did and called in LoEstrin 24. And the nurse said that it has a generic, but it doesn't because I went to pick it up last night and it was $55 with insurance.

Now I realize that $55 is nothing to pay in place of having a baby, but was wondering if there is anything else out there, that anyone else would suggest.

Thanks!

My goal in life in the next oh 10 years...

First of all....I still wanna lose 10-15 lbs.

Then I want to get married....and have 2 more babies.

Yeppers, I want a total of 3, I do.

I want to finish my RN, and eventually, by the Grace of God, I want to find a nearby job where I can be a school nurse at a local junior high or high school.

I know that there will be a major pay cut, but I figure if I can't be lucky enough to be a stay at home mom, (especially like my friend -T) then being a school nurse is the closest I can get to that.

Speaking of T. Looooove her. She is an amazing friend, she was also a nurse on the mother-baby unit I worked on in Austin. She was recently married, and we used to complain about our very testosterony counterparts and laugh.

Once time, Z and I even got her to go to , oh what the heck is the name of that place?? Trudy's??? something like that to have AMAZING margarita's....and she smoked a cigarette and I about died.

Cause she seems to have this perfect life. Well, almost perfect, she went to Texas Tech. hahahaahah.

She was a nurse, married the cutest, scratch that, a very tall, dark and handsome man. They bought the perfect house, in the perfect neighborhood, near my Perfect Austin. All the while, she is sooooooo sweet, and charming, and thoughtful too. She got pregnant about 3 months before me. She was actually the first person I told I was pregnant. I didn't really tell her either, she guessed. We were sitting at work, and I kept asking her questions about how she felt and how she knew she was pregnant and stuff like that, when she looked at me with her big gossip smile and said, "oh my god...are you pregnant???"

I made her promise not to tell anyone, but knowing her the way I know her now, I'm pretty sure she told someone. Between me, her, and Z, we're not the best at keeping pregnant secrets between each other.

Anyway, so go on, she had a perfectly beautiful daughter, and brought my a bag of those spirally Cheetos to eat after I had Doodlebug, and her amazingly talented mother made me the cutest burp rags.

Anyway, T was always someone I called for, "hey did A do this? Or how do you handle this..." advice when our babies were still tiny.

Anyway, when I think of how I would like my life to be in the future, I can't help but think, I want hers. She is a stay at home mom with her 2 cute kiddos, one boy, one girl, and the dog. Yes, she has the beautiful house, great husband, 2.2 kids and a dog..... ahh the picture perfect set up - i hate her. Just kidding.

I love her, she cracks me up, lets me know I am not the bingeing nutcase who constantly worries about my weight, although she's too skinny (I think lately).

I miss her.

I miss that my son, can't play with her kids either.

But to that....I am venturing back to Austin on the 19th for play time with T & Z and I am soooooooooooooo freakin excited I can't wait!!!

Yuk food...

I've been craving pizza. My faaaav is Papa John's, pepperoni, extra sauce, no cheese. YUUUUUUUUUMY!!!!!

So today we ordered in at the office, but we got Pizza Hut. It was gross. I got it with cheese, cause last time I ordered there, they burnt my cheeseless pizza. Anyway, totally didn't hit the spot...but it did get me to remembering good ol, www.katheats.com

I bought a ton of fruits and veggies last night...so, I am snacking on cold red and green seedless grapes. And trying to figure out how she makes her healthy food look so darn good.....

I am from Venus and he is from Mars

Men say that "they just don't understand women", right?


Well I think that is bullshat.


Last night, the boyfriend came home, as I was starting to cook bacon for our BLT'S for dinner. I had also splurged on a bunch of fruit for the sides.


Anyway, he came in everything was fine and normal, I finished washing all the left over dishes from the weekend, as he took over the bacon duty.


I will repeat, everything was fine. Everything seemed normal.


But while the 3 of us sat down to dinner, he went stone cold. Not a word to say. This coming from a man, who every 5 minutes asks me, "What are you thinking about?", and my honest to goodness answer most of the time is , "nothing." His reply is always, "yes you are, what are you thinking about?"

Anyway, I asked him what was wrong, and he gave the "nothing".... he just sat there and very slowly ate. I did get the feeling that he was annoyed by my 3 year old lack luster in table manners although I am teaching him and it is slow going, it is a work in progress. So , I finally say, "why are you so quite then, you aren't saying anything." He says, "I have nothing to say."

Now every woman KNOWS that those words especially in the way that they are said, means...THERE IS ALOT TO SAY.

I asked him a few more times, but never got anything out of him, and therefore got annoyed. After I finished, I got up to start dinner's dishes. At some point, he got up and went outside to move the 20 bags of leaves from the backyard we racked Sunday to the front for the garbage man to pick up. I didn't help. I didn't feel the need to. I assumed, #1 he was letting off some steam, and #2, I cleaned the house from top to bottom Friday, including all the dirty dishes, that I washed...that were never put up, with a ton more added this weekend. So I figure, if I am doing all the inside work, he can haul the bags 20 yards by himself. Got Doodle in the tub and dressed and put to bed.

He went about the house last night still not talking, acting piffed about something. So I gathered my notes, and made a cushy place in bed to study. Bad news. I got sleepy. Went to sleep early.


Oh well, sleep is good for you.


He came to bed sometime later. I didn't' budge.


But I did dream he was trying to kill me. Funny, right? I had a dream that we were closing the doctor's practice, and the new people who were taking the space were moving in. It was a woman who ran an office for women with, crap I can't think of how it was phrased: something about an addiction to dressing up like a cross between Lucille ball and Carol Bernett.

Yeah, I know weird right? And the new workers were so mean to me. I asked them what kind of clinic this was, and the one girl, snuffed at me and said as she looked around at the color weird art, and said, "this isn't a clinic." So as snarky as I could, I said, "What kind of office is this?" Which is where I found out about the weird whatever it was called. Anyway, the owner offered me a job as a nurse there in the "not-clinic" until my new job started at $25.80 an hour. Yeah I know weird number. Whatever.

Anyway, Boyfriend was there in my car at the end of the day, and said he had taken some NyQuil liquid gels, and was kinda acting off his rocker. Anyway, He was "driving me home" when he turned the car in the middle of the road, and was about to let an 18 wheeler hit me. Then somehow we ended up behind a dairy queen, when an employee saws us fighting and got me away from him, and somewhere in all that I found that my seat belt had been tampered with, well almost sawed in half. Then I remember calling my brothers to help me find him so we could get him put in jail and I could feel safe at home.

Weird dream right? And no, before anyone asks, Boyfriend is harmless, so I do not somewhere subconsciously think he would hurt me.

I was more pissed last night because, I was trying to study for my upcoming test, and instead, I was trying to figure out why the hell he was upset. And the phrase that someone left here once that kept popping up in my head was "emotional blackmail."

I didn't wake him up this morning, nor did I do the usual "bye baby have a good day" either.

We left while he was in the shower.

I just don't understand.

And men say that women are impossible.

Oprah's Big Give

Makes me cry like a baby.



I'm not that big of an Oprah fan. However...somehow, I started watching the Big Give. And I cry like a baby every single episode.



It is that good.



It's about Oprah and other kazillionaires who have gathered some other folks, to compete on who can 'give the biggest!'



Hello?!?!? Where were the applications for this?



This is something could have done without blinking an eye, and never fear 'being sent home.'

Weekends are never long enough...

And I even took Friday off, so I had a 3 day weekend.

I went to finish some stuff for my new job this morning, like getting my TB test read, and signing paperwork... when I realized that I have lost $40 in cash somewhere. Baaaaaaaad start to my morning.

Then as I am just clearing Houston traffic, and getting to my intended destination, I realize I left my nursing license and my CPR card at home....so now I'll have to make a mad dash trek over there on my lunch break tomorrow.

Let's see. Friday...however, was AMAZING!

I took the day off, and I originally planned to take Doodlebug to school, but just never got around to it, and decided to have my only day off, to be our day. I am glad I did. He went with me to get my TB skin test where I learned that I wasn't suppose to bring him, (thanks for telling me ahead of time), but he was a perfect gentleman while listening to mommy's MP3 player while I did my urine drug screen ( Was I gonna try to get my 3 year old to pee for me??) and my TB shot. Afterwards, we picked up some monogrammed onsie's for one of my BFF's baby shower this weekend, and then to BabiesRUs for some booby pads and other little things for her.

After that, I C-L-E-A-N-E-D my house. I'm talking sweeping, mopping, dusting, vacuuming, I did it all.

It was so nice. I loved it. I realized that I kinda miss having the/a house to myself like that. So... there will be uno mas "sick" day taken this Friday,...or maybe I'll just tell the truth and use a vacation day to study and just be home alone. Still trying to figure this one out.

Saturday day was a great time spent at the baby shower. And Doodlebug played Daddy with her Little 3 year old doll, and her. It was the most adorable thing ever... of course I took pictures and recorded some video.

Sunday, was start cleaning the backyard day. We racked 20, count them TWENTY bags of leaves out of the backyard...and we're not finished. I am not quite sure the previous owners owned racks.

My wrists are sore. I wish I was at my clean house. And I forgot my material to study, but I do have my flash cards...so I am going to study for awhile.

Oh...


and I haven't looked in a few days, which is good for me, but the EX's myspace profile is not private today.

There is no mention of him being a "proud parent"....and the picture of him and Doodlebug is no longer on his pics page either.

So for me,...that is a silent victory. Because, it lets me know that he has taken him out of his public life.

I hope that makes sense.

I Told him..

And the doctor, my boss, took it just fine. Whew!

He asked when I was starting, and I told him the end of the month. (So,...I'm sure this blog will be updated a little less often, not sure how I am going to pull it off doing it when the boyfriend lives with me. Unless I can type it out at night and upload it in the morning or something since I wake up way before he does.....)

He then told me that he had been thinking of closing up here at the end of May!

So,...I feel better about all that. That is for sure a weight lifted off of me.

I've taken my Lexapro for 2 nights now, and I have to stay, I have had the worst headache for 2 days now, not to mention just wanting to eat the whole time. Except today when I first started eating lunch,....I felt super weird...and stopped...and finished later.

No news front on the issue with the Ex. No mail giving me a court date either.

And for me...today is just one of those days of blah....

I want to be at home really bad laying in the dark.

I have a feeling that I will be calling in tomorrow if this headache doesn't go away.

I'm taking the Job

I'm a little nervous.

I haven't told my boss yet.

I am taking what I feel like is going to be a major pay cut, but I think I may be happier...

not so bored with lack of things to do from 8-5, be saving money on gas, as well as wear and tear on my vehicles.

I'll be closer to Doodlebug's school.


Please pray this goes well.....I need it.

I'll start April 29th.

The little things that make you fall in love, again

On my way home from work yesterday, my boyfriend called me to tell me he would meet me at the gym, and had already picked up a rotisserie chicken (cause I need the protein for low iron), as well as a bottle of fish oil supplements...and a bottle of prenatal vitamins.

For some reason, that alone made my heart swell. I thought it was extremely kind, of him. I could just see the check out person looking at a man buying prenatals...I found the mental picture funny.

We begun saying grace every night at dinner. Doodle just loves this. He says it, all the while Boyfriend is teaching it to him. We all hold hands and pray over our dinner.

As we were trying to convince Doodle to eat more chicken, (there isn't' a vegetable this boy won't stick in him mouth, and sometimes the only thing he wants to eat), he always counters with "cause it will make me strong like boyfriend."

Last night, The Boyfriend was being silly with Doodle, and doing this weird thing were he would pretend to be blowing in his thumb, and that was blowing his bicep up. Doodle thought this was the funniest thing ever, and gave some of the deepest bellied laughs I have heard in a while.

This went on and on, until most everything was eaten and we cleared the table and went off for baths and bedtime stories.

These are the things that make me the happiest.....

These are the moments I want back everyday without the interruptions of my mind whirling around, when is that piece of mail going to come with my next court date, or if the EX does somehow show up at my door step in two weeks.....

The Report Is In

Well, I just got back from the follow up Doctor's appointment, and I have GERD. I also have very low HDL'S "good" cholesterol, which can/will predisopse me to heart disease, but my "bad" cholesterol level is great, but I need to start supplementing my diet with fish oil as well start a cardio exercise routine. I have super low Iron, so I have to start taking prenatal vitamins. I am also going to start taking Nexium daily, as well as Lexapro, and ativan(prn) until the Lexapro kicks in.

So, inheritly,....I'm a walking stress bomb,...trying to laugh some of it off.

It makes me sad, because NO ONE in my family has heart disease....

It makes me sad, because Ativan is what I used to give my hysterical patients in the hospital to calm them down... and here I am ... with a perscription for it.

I cried all day yesterday.

Would just be walking out of Ikea (on my lunch break) and started crying.

Was sitting at my desk...and starting crying, on my drive home...while cooking dinner,....and then while taking a bath.

The boyfriend came in to check on me when I was taking a bath,...and I guess saw the miserable state I was in...and basically just jumped in behind me and sat there rubbing my back and shoulders...telling me I was going to be ok.

As for emotions involving the Ex.

I am now to a point where I have been able to pick the words apart in enough (from his email) to not be so 'scared',...as I have been feeling. And yes, I am OCD about doing things like that. I feel like if I can pick things apart and analyze each, piece, I can understand them better, and let go of some of the stress and anxiety that they initially fill me with.

so I'm sending this directly to you instead of your attorney. I hope that you will continue to communicate with me a little longer so we can get this worked out.

This means to me...that he still doesn't want to shell out for a 3rd attorney, therefore doesn't want to involve my attoryney...although it is too late for that.

My first choice would of course be for you to begin obeying the law and stop being, in my opinion, selfish at my and doodlebug's expense which would mean I could exercise my court ordered visitation and have a nice relationship with him.

I have never, and I mean never, told him he couldnt' come and see Doodlebug, he just quite showing up. But then again, he only made 4 visits that were from an hour-hour and half before out last BIG battle in court May 2005, 3 random ones after that, last one Oct. 2005.

The A.G's office is breathing down my neck again pretty fiercely about the back child support.

This of course is his BIGGEST concern. They have previously put liens on his multiple bank accounts, and tax returns... April 16th is just around the corner.

it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I'm paying for it at all.

Oh that's right...because you just discharged 1000's of dollars in your bankruptcy suite, and therefore, think you have the right to not pay this debt either.

The giving up of rights is actually not as difficult as I had imagined

Does this scream to anyone else? Because it does to me. If Doodlebug weren't the spitting image of me, I wouldn't bet that the EX could pick him out of a crowd of 3.

If you do not have the resources to take of the stipulations I set forth above within a couple of weeks, then I will pay the back support in full and continue my attempts to develop my relationship with Doodlebug.

This statement alone, lets me that,...when the Enforcement hearing is set....that I can be assure, that either I will get back child support paid in full, to keep Ex from going to jail, or Ex will go to jail. At this point... I dont' know where the termination will go with all of this.

I would think that since he said:

the thought of getting you out of my life and re-gaining some control so that I can go back to being happy and successful is extremely attractive.

It seems that actually handing over the papers at that time...would be a sure fire way to get me out of his life.

along with the fact that the AG's office said they would have no problem recommending a transfer and finally because it is the law... there should be no problem getting an immediate transfer.

Transfers happen if it is a child custody case.... not child support. Secondly, I am aware that the OAG doesn't like the Ex right now, and not sure how cooperative that they would be for him.

I have family and friends who are successful family law attorneys in that area

The only family who are attorney's live in Dallas, and Harlingen.... unless Dingo has family here that I am unaware of. Therefor a statement to scare me.

I have also contacted several of my contacts in local law enforcement agencies in your area and they have told me there will be no problem enforcing our current orders which state that standard visitation went into effect on Noah's 3rd birthday. That actually means that I am going to begin my regular visitations as often as possible starting next month if this is the option that I/we decide on.

Again, he hasn't done his homework. Not only does Boyfriend's brother (who is a police officer) live about...um..... 2 miles from us, but I am aware that local law enforement does NOT step in, in these types of situations. They will show up, and they will tell you this is a civil matter and to take it to court. I also know this because at 2 of the first 4 visits he had with Doodle, I had to have an officer present, as he tried to take him, in the middle of a south Texas summer, with heat in the upper 90s, humidity at 100%, and keep him outside in a tent in my front yard for 4 hours during his supervised visitation...long story.

If your answer is that neither is acceptable, then be on notice that I will proceed with option 2 and I will be picking doodle up for the first possible visitation period after April 15th.

Funny... cause that is right before his taxes are due on the 16th. And, I am not in the business of not following my court order which states he is still on supervised visits.

my goal is to come to quickest possible conclusion so that we can all move on with our lives.

Here's to hoping those papers come sooner than later.


I know that you are all sick of hearing this.

But for own sanity (therapy) I have to split hairs to make it comfortable for me.

Another Monday

OK ok...ok....

I know...I haven't written anything today...

but just not in the mood........

Trust there is ALOT I have to say...but I slept in my contacts last night, so there are about dried to my eyeballs now...and there is just alot going on...

I promise I will try to update tomorrow after my follow up with the Doctor to get my test results.

Did Ya'll know I went to Fiji Last Night??

I couldn't help but think of MommyPie, when I took this picture, although hers are much better with the Photoshop action. One day,...I'm going to buy photoshop and play too :) But this will do for now.

Anyway, Last night, as I was sitting my last class (which was from 5-11:30) of my American Red Cross, CPR/FIRSTAID/AED Instructor class, my mind kept drifting, all over the place,....hmmm I wonder why??

I couldn't help but keep looking at my bottle and thinking: Could I really just sell everything and move there???? Could I be happy doing something like that?? And do you know, what the only two objections I could come up with were? 1) I've never been there, so I really don't know if I would like it, and 2) I think I would have to quarantine my dog, and I can't stand the thought of him being in "prison" for any length of time.

Then I phone started vibrating, it was my friend "Z". My friend "Z" is one of the most charming, sweetest, most sincere people I have ever met. We worked together when I lived in Austin. It's like we became best of friends almost instantaneously. One of the first things I remember her saying to me was, "It's like you never worked here, and then you showed up one day, and it feels like you've just always been here." Simple statement right. But it made me feel good, and cared for, which was pretty important, because at that time, The EX and I were still engaged and living together. Z and I usually worked the same shifts, which was pretty convenient since she was in charge of the schedule, and we always had Wednesday's off so we could for sure lay out on those days...and usually any other day we had off. She quickly became my best friend. I always felt like I could tell her anything. She was just quite simple an amazing friend. She even had dinner and met the Ex once, and I remember thinking, "oh God, please let him be on his best behavior and polite" ( I knew then...this can't be right), but he came, ate, and left....I was so embarrassed. But she never acted like it bothered her, and I was grateful. ( How sad is it that I am crying right even thinking about what a smuck I was back then to let him treat me or my friends like that?)

So, anyway, best friend that she was, she was the one, I asked to be there with me, for me, for my unborn baby during birth. I was so embarrassed to be 'alone', that I never took a Lamaze class, but I got a DVD from the hospital education classes, and she came over and watched them with me. She planned the most amazing baby shower I could have asked for. She would go off her Atkins diet to go to the Olive Garden with me when I had a doctor's appointment to get a sonogram, and we just would say, "Diet? What diet? it's sonogram day!" As a matter of fact, as my due date was approaching, so was the end of my lease on my apartment. With still a week to go, and not a labor pain in sight, she let me come stay in her home, in her spare room, until Doodlebug was born. She even ganged up with the other nurses and forced me to take that Monday off, as I had already worked something like 54 hours that pay check, and had Tuesday off for my doctor's appointment, and scheduled myself to work on my due date. Lucky for me, she was the charge nurse for post partum the day I had that appointment, so when they made me go from the office to L&D, she was either right there at my side, or in front of the monitor watching me and the baby. Who could ask for more right? Well, it still gets better. They decided to keep me over night to induce me, and she stayed with me. Heck, she even "called in", had another nurse take her place on the floor before the shift was over so that she could be with me.

The next she never left me. She held my hand. She watched and monitored my contractions, gave me a warm "it's gonna be ok just relax smile" whenever they would tell me, I am still not dilating, or my water if full of meconium, or any of the other worst case scenario's came my way. She was the one holding my hand and rubbing my hair when the doctor told me I had to have a c-section, and started crying. Then I'll never forget, I whispered to my other friend "S" who knew the Ex very well, "he should have been here." Minutes came by, shift changed, and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Things were wrong, very wrong. But Z stayed the course. Another (newer) friend, "E" came to see me after her shift, she was transfer from L&D and very comforting to have here there as well. What I remember the most, is my nurse, running in and out, "E" checking my monitors, glancing at me, whispering to Z, but both always smiling and telling me we were going to be ok. Then there was the screaming, to call the doctor, that I needed and emergency c-section, being whisked down the hall, and taken to an operating room. And guess who was by my side? Z. She was excited, and nervous, I could see it in her eyes, but she still held on, and smiled for me, and got sooo excited when they were opening me and staying, "ooohh Ana...Here he comes!!" E was directly behind her, and the next thing I remember is saying, "take a picture what does he look like." She said, No. But when I finally looked at her, my heart stopped. The heartbreak I saw in her eyes, made my own heart stop beating. Then a nurse calmly came over to me and, "Ana, I know you know what everything means, I need you to remain calm for what you are about to hear. . "and as she trailed off, I heard it, They had called a Code Blue, on my baby. My hand never left hers. She held on for dear life, mine, and his. As the NICU resuscitation came running in, she gave me the best play by play with the least information she should. It made me feel better. Except for when I would ask things like, "why can't I hear him crying, why can't I hear my baby. What's wrong with him?" She would glance down at me quickly, so I couldn't see the standing tears in her eyes, and would just whisper, "I don't' know, I can't really see."

Doodle was taken to NICU and stayed for a week. Z, stayed with me as often as possible, and visited as much as should could when she was working. After I moved home, she even came all the way out to BFE to see me and Doodlebug. This is someone who didn't know me from Adam, but has been one of the most important people in my life, she helped me bring Doodlebug into this world.

I guess I am writing because I feel a little ashamed. I haven't spent much time with her in way too long. She herself has now had two amazingly beautiful sons of her own, and I wasn't there for either of them. That alone kills me. I have been so wrapped up in myself, that I haven't taken the time I should have been taking, to call her, visit her, anything.

I know that because in her voicemail last night, I heard that same, sweet, caring, voice I had once knew so well. She had read my blog, and had said, "I had no idea what you have been going through." And I couldn't help but think:....When was the last time I called her, to see what she is doing, what she is going through. I feel sorrow because I feel that I haven't been the friend to Z, that she has always been to me.

And Z, if you read this, please know, I am sorry. I promise, I am going to start making more time for the important people in my life. Even if it means, brown bagging it for 3 weeks straight to get there, I'm coming home to see you and the boys.

OH MY GOD AT THE EMAIL I JUST GOT!

Ana,

I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. The papers have been signed and sitting on my desk for 2 months now, but I'm still pretty hesitant to send them.

I will try to keep this letter as non-confrontational as I can, but unfortunately I need address some concerns so we can come to some kind of final conclusion in this matter.

You told me you wanted to try to work this out on our own, which is fantastic, so I'm sending this directly to you instead of your attorney. I hope that you will continue to communicate with me a little longer so we can get this worked out.

Obviously it is not an easy or pleasant decision for me to give up my rights to Doodlebug.

My first choice would of course be for you to begin obeying the law and stop being, in my opinion, selfish at my and Doodle's expense which would mean I could exercise my court ordered visitation and have a nice relationship with him.

That sounds a little harsh because this is a harsh situation you have created and I hope it is as unpleasant for you to hear as it is for the rest of us to have to live with.

The A.G's office is breathing down my neck again pretty fiercely about the back child support.

As you know, Dingo and I have have had serious financial troubles over the last couple of years.

Those troubles were in no small part caused by the time, stress and nearly $84,000.00 we have paid over the last 3 years in child support, legal and travel related expenses in our failed attempts to convince you to allow and the courts to enforce my visitation rights w/ Doodlebug. When I actually figure the costs of lost time the figure quickly raises to well over $125,000.00. This staggering, horrible and has to stop.

Dingo and I were trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I'm paying for it at all.

We were in court 5 months ago in October after nearly a year of requesting a legitimate and reasonable decrease in child support. In October when the AG's office finally made time for us, they thoroughly investigated and examined our financial records and recommended that the support amount be decreased to $350.00 plus health insurance and that the final order be entered reflecting the appropriate standard visitation schedule as it was previously ordered by the judge when Doodlebug turned 3 ( which he did in September).

True to form, you and your attorney fought, delayed and manipulated proceedings so that, yet again, no decision, agreement or any other type of positive progress could be made and my trip and expenses were, yet again, wasted.

I don't really want to rehash this any further except to say that the only acceptable option I'm willing to consider in terminating my rights is that I no longer have to pay any support. The giving up of rights is actually not as difficult as I had imagined because I have NEVER actually had any rights to Doodlebug since day one save the $40,000.00 I've paid in support and health insurance.

If you had allowed the support to be lowered to a reasonable amount, there would be no back support owed.

We have 2 options:

This first is not my preference, but to be honest, the thought of getting you out of my life and re-gaining some control so that I can go back to being happy and successful is extremely attractive. This is only an option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time.

OPTION 1) You will temporarily pay the total of all delinquent and current child support payments which will, of course be immediately sent straight back to you after 3 days. If the 2 of you intend to adopt and care for Doodlebug and you truly have no need for me in a financial respect, there should be no issue in you coming up w/ the approx. $5,000 that will require for less than 1 week. If you can't then I suggest you start re-thinking your position that you don't need any more financial support from me and that Doodleubg doesn't need me. I have just come out of bankruptcy and near financial ruin and I still managed to come up with over $80,000.00 over the last 3 years in an attempt to support and visit Doodlebug. You can set up any legitimate conditions you or your attorney would like to insure that the funds are secure and that I will go through with my part. As I said, this is not my first choice, but there does not seem to be any positive relationship in our future so as long as you can take care of Doodlebug, I'm willing to back off and let you do so. As I told you before on the phone, if Doodlebug ever needs anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Depending on what you ask for, I may not be willing or able to give it, but I will try and I will never make you or Doodlebug feel bad for asking.

OPTION 2) If you do not have the resources to take of the stipulations I set forth above within a couple of weeks, then I will pay the back support in full and continue my attempts to develop my relationship with Doodlebug. You have now lived in Brazoria county for 6+ months so it will be no problem to get the case transferred there at this point. Especially in light of the terrible stalemate that has been going on in Hardin County (and the fact that you never lived in that county in the first place) along with the fact that the AG's office said they would have no problem recommending a transfer and finally because it is the law... there should be no problem getting an immediate transfer. I have family and friends who are successful family law attorneys in that area so it will be inexpensive or even free for me to stay there and to continue my legal efforts in gaining appropriate visitation and reasonable support. I have also contacted several of my contacts in local law enforcement agencies in your area and they have told me there will be no problem
enforcing our current orders which state that standard visitation went into effect on Doodlebug's 3rd birthday. That actually means that I am going to begin my regular visitations as often as possible starting next month if this is the option that I/we decide on.

Please let me know which option you would most like to pursue. If your answer is that neither is acceptable, then be on notice that I will proceed with option 2 and I will be picking Doodlebug up for the first possible visitation period after April 15th.

I know this is upsetting because it is is horribly upsetting and stressful for me, but please keep in mind that this has gone on long enough and my goal is to come to quickest possible conclusion so that we can all move on with our lives. Doodlebug is getting too old for this to not begin affecting him negatively pretty soon.

Thanks,

The EX

This is my reply...which hasn't been sent, because at this moment, my attorney is reading it, and he's say's he will reply to The Ex...but wants to read my email first....

Let's hope I get to send this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop-for-Brains with a tiny Penis,

The funny thing about your delays, is the simple fact that if you would have gotten back to me in a timely matter, you wouldn't have had to stress yourself out in writing this snarky "non-confrontational" email in the first place, which is amusing to me since you have a history of "non-testy”, “non-confrontational", "non-harsh" prose.

As a matter of fact, I have been trying to communicate with you for several weeks now, (without my attorney) and yet you haven't responded to a single phone call. In addition to that, your wife also refused to give me a contact number (being that calling the 1800 number isn't working for this, the publicly listed home phone number is disconnected) so that I could contact you outside of a time, when we are
both not busy, me at my job, and you at your conferences or whatever it is that you do these days.

First and foremost, do not dare blame any 'situation' on me as a situation that I have created. You are an adult, well into his mid 30s, stop pointing fingers for your own short comings.

I am not at all sorry that you owe back child support for a child that you helped to create, as evidenced by the paternity test you made Doodlebug and I take. As I have been supporting him for three years with virtually no help from you, especially recently- with $50 here and there, or when monies were seized from you, I don't feel that I have anything to prove to you regarding my ability to support Doodlebug. In case you don’t have a correct figure, you currently owe $4733 and will rise on the 1st of April.

As for the Texas Office of the Attorney General, "breathing down your neck" as you so eloquently put it, that has nothing to do with me. You are a person, who has not done what you were ordered to do; you must in your own age and maturity realize that is your fault alone and not mine.

As far as yours and Dingo’s “financial troubles”, I could care less. That as well, has nothing to do with me. You have made the decisions that have lead to your “financial troubles”, please do not pretend, I have had anything to do with that. And to be quite honest, you don’t truly appear to be living the life of paupers, so again, I don’t really care, nor do I care about hearing about it.

These troubles you speak of: are a funny thing too because for a FACT, you have paid EXACTLY $24, 966.55 in child support. As yes you can quote me on that, because as of today, March 27, 2008 at 8:36 a.m. that was the number I just got from the Texas OAG hotline when I called to make sure I quoted true and correct information. As well if you want to quote a number for money spent to raise Doodlebug, in addition to “Stress”, I am certain, my estimated figure could well out-range yours; so again, to make these numbers out of thin air is silly, and quite frankly a waste of time to write, as well as read. The extra money you spent was a direct result of your refusal to continue to pay the support obligation, and has absolutely nothing to do with me. Had you done what you were legally bound to do, you most certainly would not have incurred “the extra debt.” I am well aware that you were fired from certain legal services for non-payment of services, so please, I am asking you at this point, to stop throwing around random financial figures, as they are useless.

As for this statement: “Dingo and I are trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I am paying for it all.” I agree that it IS ridiculous that you owe back child support. I am still not quite sure why you refused to pay it in the first place. A budget sounds like a wonderful idea; I could help you with that should you need it, as I have been living on one for the past 3+ years.

And once again, you are citing incorrect information. We were supposed to be in court in October of 2007, but you were “unable” to attend, and we actually did go to court, November 20, 2007. As well as, there was no “recommendations” or order for lowered child support by the AG’s behalf, I am aware there were outrageous requests on your behalf, but they were not agreed upon, nor were they the thoughts of the Texas OAG, so I don’t think it wise to put “facts” here on their behalf.

As for your statement on me and my attorney manipulating proceedings, my attorney and I are only acting in Doodlebug's best interests. Apparently, the legal
system agrees with us. Further than that, I will not go on in this subject area, I concede, as you know more about manipulation that I do.

As for your only acceptable option to willingly consider terminating your rights is that you no longer have to pay any support, by definition, you would no longer have to pay child support. The court order, would allow for that. As for- if I would have let the child support be lowered to a reasonable amount (which I am assuming is about $50, what you were almost regularly paying) there would be no back child support~ well to that I must say, you can’t really raise a child on $50 a month, I feel sure that pets you may have or had eat more than that. How can you expect that to support a human on that?

As for your “Options”

“This is the only option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time”,~ not that owe you any explanation, but Doodlebug has had a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food to eat, and toys to play with, not to mention unconditional love and adornment from
everyone in his life since the beginning of it. He has been provided for, never with any lack of desire to do so by me, The Boyfriend, or either of our families. As a matter of fact, we haven’t even had to filled bankruptcy in the last, well, ever.

OPTION1)
For the first time, since I have known you, I can say you might be correct about something. But there will be a “condition” on my part. The one thing I know truly about you, is that I can not trust you. So, as soon as the papers are in the hands of my attorney, and the judge, that you agree to terminate all your rights to Doodlebug,
and that you, nor anyone in your family, nor future children ever contact him, I will take care of every single penny you owe in back child support. With me writing this, it is enough proof that you will be obligated to nothing. AGAIN, I cannot stress enough, I- DO-NOT-CARE about your financial status or supposed lack there of. You knew, 24 hours after I did, that you were a father-to-be. On that note, as I did, you should have been planning to take care of that obligation, instead of pretending that it might not exist. I assure you, Doodlebug will NEVER need you for anything, so please do not worry or stress anymore that I, or he may ever ask you for anything. You are so kind, to assure me that you would not make either of us “feel bad” for asking, I am just flushed with the feeling of warm fuzzies over that statement.

OPTION2
Well, since I have already agreed to Option 1, there really is no need for me to go into this, however I will say: That for someone who says they have no money, are in financial ruins, and cannot pay child support or arrears, for you to be able to come up with money to “pay the back support in full” sounds quite magical. And yes I am aware that you know where I live, as well as contact phone numbers that I have, because I have abided by our court order, and given these to you, so that I may never be found “in contempt”. Please do not kid yourself on a fantasy that even if our court hearings were changed, that you hold any power of me, I have been a great, upstanding parent, and abided by the law given to me, even with all our circumstances, can you say the same? Your days of bullying me, and now trying to blackmail me with my son, are over. As for you trying to pinpoint court ordered allowances of visitation, our last, effective, COURT ORDER , states that you have to follow through will all phases of visitation before the next starts, so again, stop your bullying, and manipulation, they may serve a greater purpose in other areas of your life, because they are of no use here.

Upsetting for you, sure, why not, looks good on paper. As for Doodlebug, he is a healthy happy child, who knows none the less.

To summarize my reply to everything you said, in short form:

I will make sure, and I have confirmed this with Mr. XXXAG attorney, that once you have signed AND RETURNED the Parental Termination papers of Doodlebug, to my attorney, XXXXXX, and a court date is set, so that I may present it to the judge, at that time, you will be forgiven all future child support, as well as any arrears owed.

.

So...I have spoken with my attorney. He says not to send :(

He says... wait... let the Ex sweat it out....and pay. That I am to have no further contact with him. That the AG is pretty fed up with his antics...

This makes me a tad nervous.

Again... I just want it all to be over with.