An Off Day from the Start

I actually went to bed early last night, because, well,...I love sleep. I love the feeling of being well rested, and waking up to a wonderful new day. Except I didn't sleep at all last night. So the morning was filled with continually reaching for the snoozer.

So, I was late-ish, and to me, being late just means not being early. Didn't have time to make coffee, Doodle was exceptionally hard to wake up this morning, and well, even though I had my great bowl of Cheerios, I just wanted more....so I stopped for an everything bagel, and a Dr. Pepper. And I am ok with that.

As a matter of fact, I am becoming, slowly, more and more ok with things in my life, and that is/was the point of this blog.

Even yesterday, after finding out, that the Ex, still hasn't decided to hand over, the already signed and notarized termination papers, that we will once again be headed back to court, there is a certain calm over me.

When we head to court, it will have been 7 months and 4 days, since he initially agreed to terminate his rights. He has paid a total of $50 since then in child support. A writ of wage garnishment was mailed out to his wife (the 100% owner of 'their' company) as well as a filing of child support enforcement. So, all I know about this court date will be: He will be asked to come up with around $6933 (if he doesn't make any more $50 payments) at that time, and will have a number of things that could possibly happen. He could be sentenced to jail time, probation, or possibly/hopefully, just hand over the papers.

Do I have a feeling he/they are going to pull some of their common strings, i.e.; we need more time, we don't have a lawyer; show how their house is up for foreclosure supposedly again, they have hocked their wedding rings again, and any other number of pitiful song and dances, probably. Do I expect it? Of course.

The problem here, is that my child (I feel) from his standpoint, has become nothing other than trying to "beat me", or "win" at some weird pissing contest. After 3 and a half years, it is easy to see it isn't about Doodlebug, because if it were, he would be around. He doesn't care about him, he cares about me. Not in the romantic loving way of course, but about putting in my some sort of place and winning at something I haven't figured out yet. And I use the term "winning" because it is one that not only he, but his crazy wife has used, " You Win." Well, you're damn right I win, I won years ago, by creating and having a beautiful child, that I love every single second of every single day.

So today just feel like a weird day for me. Because I am eating junk, and I don't care.

Because I have yet another inevitably ugly court day looming in my future, and I am not freaked out about it...yet. Even my mother told me yesterday, not to worry, and I said "I'm not.....you know I am."

I worry because there is a possibility that he will ask for and get some sort of visitation set up. That is the unfortunate right of DNA. He hasn't been available to my son for 3+ years, but when it is convenient for him, he'll have that right. Any parent who truly loved and cared for their child, would move mountains to be with them, and use the time they have with them. All I was asking for was for him to fulfill his supervised visits in a fashion so that Doodles would become familiar with him, bond with him, and not see him as a stranger who showed up so sporadically he wouldn't know the difference between him and the UPS guy. I really don't think that is too much to ask, especially after watching him and the Dingo, wrestle a 9-10 month old together, and finally put the diaper on backwards.

I want to take Friday off, for a day to myself before my new job starts. My boss is leaving thursday at noon to go to North Dakota to look for a place to live. I think he wants me here to wait for lab results if they get faxed in.....so I don't know how to ask for the day off....

I just want a little time to myself.