ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

TODAY... I looked....





My myspace "mood" has been, "someone thinks I am an idiot."





Today's her's says, "Anabiosis!!! nobody thinks you're an idiot, take the freaking deal so this can all be over, we're not trying to trick you!!! "





Right now...





I just don't know what to say...I am shaking, and about to start crying I am so mad!






This is a fax I sent today:

February 25, 2008




Poop for Morals,




As you know, I received a copy of your fax. I talked to my attorney this morning, and he told me that someone from your 800 number called Friday, but he was unable to return your call. I then volunteered to return your phone call, assuming that anything we have to say in our legal matter can be handled in a mature, rational, and reasonable way. Your answering service told me you were not answering your phone call, and I told them I would call you back, as I am busy at my job, and can not always take phone calls.




While I had a few minutes to spare between patients, I thought I would go ahead and ask you the nature of your phone call. As you well know, there are some kinks to be ironed out in this delicate situation that faces us. I think between the two of us, we can do that in business like, and unemotional way, so that the only attorney between the two of us, can go on about his business, earning his living, with as little interference between the two of us as possible.




As for your suggestion as to me paying your arrears, that isn’t a viable option, and we should start discussing other alternatives. Please think about this so when I am able to get in touch with you, we can talk briefly, and quickly.

I am happy to move forward with our legal matter, as I know you are. The more compromising the two of us can be towards one another, the better for all involved. I willing to listen to any other suggestions, and I hope you are as willing to listen to mine.




As always, if nothing can be negotiated between the two of us, we can resort to past methods.




Anabiosis

I have now called his office twice. Once at 10:41, he wasn't answering his phone says his female answering service. And again at 1:12, where he was unavailable says his male answering service, who was very willing to try to connect me to Dingo, where I promptly said, "No thank you, I am not interested in talking to her."





My next plan of action is to return phone call one more time, and if not... I'm not going to worry about it further. (for today anyway)





So I changed my mood to "Deal???"






Now her's says....

YES...deal, as in you get what you want finally.

So i am changing mine to,"r-e-s-p-o-n-s-i-b-i-l-i-t-y"




and hers...is now blank




I called again, she got on the phone and asked me to call back in 20 minutes, which is now...because he just had an installer come into the show room and he's *busy* and can't really talk about this right now. grrr......





I'll call back.....




We've made an agreement.




He'll send the termination papers overnight to my attorney, as well as pay $2722 towards arrears. I, in turn, will release $2000, that I would never get anyway. And before anyone thinks so, I am not dishing out a single dime. I am forgiving that much. What he is paying, is what he owed, when he agreed to terminate. What I am basically forgiving, is since then.




Could I have fought it and drug it out. Of course. But this way, I get some piece of mind.

What a Day, What a Day

The attorney for the Attorney General called me this morning. I sent my case worker a copy of the fax, as well as some other things I have gathered from the internet in the last, oh...year I think. Anway, the attorney called me to answer my questions as to "where are we on collecting the child support?"




His answer was, He knew from the last court hearing that Ex wanted to terminate rights, so they just haven't done anything to collect. He was surprised it has taken this long for Ex to move forward with the paperwork. Anyway we talked pretty casually about what a putzy Ex was, and how he could see that day, that Ex wasn't exactly "Father of the Year" material. He also went on to tell me the whole time (at the last court hearing, when EX was demanding all sorts of stuff), Dingo was actually being super passive and saying things like, "what's the big deal, and why are you making such big deal out of this." Basically how Ex was walking all over her, and that she was someone who was taking everything he was giving her. I got a laugh out of that.




Anyway, the point of the phone call was to ask me what I wanted.




He told me that there is actually a paper where I can forgive the arrears, and he will terminate without having to pay them.




So there it is.




We can be done with all of this shortly.




I can release him for the money he owes . . . . and he can be free of being a father to my son.




I keep having mixed emotions about this.




A big huge part of me is doing cartwheels so excited at how easy it can be.




Part of me thinks it is so unfair that he just discharged thousands of dollars in bankruptcy, and now he's even getting to "discharge" his back child support.




And on top of everything else, he told me, that he "thought" my lawyer told him, that Ex told my lawyer back in Nov. that Dingo was pregnant.




I am going to suck it up and admit something that I don't want to admit.




That kind of hurts if it's true.




Because that seems mean, that he was willing to fight me, until he found out they were having a baby. And now, he is going to give another baby, everything he should have been giving to Doodle.




it's always mixed emotions I guess, I hope you all understand where I am coming from.

Facsimile

Mr. Attorney:

I have received the papers to terminate my rights to Doodlebug. They
are signed and ready to be delivered to you. I have one concern that needs
to be addressed before we move forward.




As we discussed, the past due child support obligation needs to be
forgiven, whatever the amount is at the time of the termination. I have
been advised by other legal professionals that there is no way for you to
include that in this process since the AGs office is ultimately responsible for
collecting the money, and they do not waive past due obligations upon
termination. If my understanding of this is incorrect and you have made
arrangements for the amount to be forgiven directly with the AGs office, please
send me documentation to that effect that confirms their cooperation.




Otherwise, we need to make a side arrangement with Ms. Anabiosis regarding
this matter. My suggestion is for her to pay the past due support amount and of
course it will quickly be forwarded to her from the AGs office and she is out
the money only temporarily, but my account will be current and then after
terminated.




I am ready to move forward as long as the issue is resolved and I have
documentation from the AGs office attesting to the current account or their
cooperation in forgiving the amount.




Please let me know what else you may need from me.




Loser Ex

So, what do you think. After crying for a minute, I am ok. Granted I do not have the $4000+ to pay off his arrears, and wouldn't. Being that Ex is a underbellied snake in the grass, the moment I did, he would change his mind and come after doodlebug.

So as always, he won't do something unless it's his way. It isn't my fault that he owes the State of Texas. It isn't my fault, that they hold him responsible for his arrears. Nothing I can do about that. All I can do now is either wait for him to send the papers....or keep letting the arrears add up.

Right??

Gray Moods are not fun

I guess my post yesterday put me in a gray mood. And then that just makes me angry, because I have every right to be elated and excited, and nothing but happy right now. And instead, creeping into my thoughts are still the mad wonderings of my thoughts..... Wondering what the hell is going on?











I feel like, Ex is doing some sort of "Pay Back is Hell" thing. During the summer of 2005, his emails (as well as one of hers, written so obviously by her from his email account) just got plain abusive, and on advice from my attorney, I stopped responding to them, so that Ex could go through my lawyer, and I would no longer have to keep up the emotional warfare.











Now here I am, with this door of what the hell is going on standing wide open. They say that Karma is a bus, and well, I feel as though it has made it's stop at my house too often.











Why is it that single moms(and some dads) get so much of the torture?











We get to raise children on our own. Which we all take on and proudly say, "Yes I am a single mom, I am doing it on my own." But privately (or on places like our blogs) talk about how hard it really is. We are the ones, who cry over our circumstances. We are the ones, whose lives change dramatically, we are the real every-single-day parents. We are the ones who get early wrinkles, and baggy eyes. We are the ones who struggling the dating pools of life. We are the ones who are weathered by single parenthood. We are the ones who also wear those badges of honor proudly (most of the time).











And yes I know, I am super guilty of causing alot of my pain by scoping her myspace page. I know I need to stop. But how do you stop thinking about what are they doing? When are they going to end all of this?











Am I really that stir crazy?!?!?!?











Or am I hanging onto something that has been a dominating force in my life for 4 years now, because without it I would be lost. Who I am, if I am not the single mom fighting for her child? Who am I, if I am not the mother promising to make sure that they know the rules? Who am I, If I am not the single mom, who has to take a stand and lay down the law, because I know Doodle, and I know what is right for him, so if you want to be part of his life, you have to go through me???











Does that make sense?











I am starting to wonder, if this bothers me, because I am feeling a loss of part of my identity. Now I am just sinking into a mundane life of normalness. Because I have been a lion for the last 4 years battling for the health of my unborn child, battling for the life of my child during a traumatic delivery. Battling for the rights of my baby, and toddler for a sense of security and comfort ever since.











And yes, I do realize that I am still that brave, strong mom, who will always fight for what I believe is best for my child, and I am just stating a fact:











That part of who I have been for the last few years is gone, and that is a great thing, and will be the best thing, once the papers have been signed.....but it is kind of a loss of identity, and maybe that is why I am having what I feel like, too much of a crisis over it.











I need to let go. I HAVE TO LET GO. How long does it really take? I guess there is no time limit. An emotional, mental, and pyschological healing has to happen, and I know that is different for everyone. I am wrong to speed it along. I guess somewhere, somehow, I need to learn to breathe, and take each moment, each day as it comes. And know that I will still have my gray days, but hopefully those will come less and less.











And today is one of those days. I am trying to avoid my boyfriend as much as possible, because I am just in a foul mood, and everything and everyone is pretty much getting to me. I know that this is about me, and no one else, so I am trying to keep the peace.










What do you do, to find your smile on days like this???

Long Weekend, but worth it.

I finally got into my house! Yea! But then spent the whole weekend painting Doodlebugs room. I like to refer to the "Before" picture as "the green monster", as you can see.











This was previously a little boy's room, and for the life of me, after even seeing his room before I made my offer, I don't have a clue as to what they were thinking with this color.





Right after I had already made my registery for Doodlebug, I was walking in the mall one day, and stopped dead in my tracks. I had just found the perfect crib bedding (too late). Too late, and not to mention, it was from Pottery Barn, too expensive. But from Doodle's first Christmas, until now, I have been e-baying things from the set, and just finished last week. So with the new (full size) bedding, I went to work with the green monster, so that it would go well with the Aloha Little Surfer Boy bedding I bought him. This isn't a finished picture, but you'll get the idea. (The blocks are now painted white, with yellow inside, and I left the star brown so that it looks like a starfish)











We've now started in on the guest room, and there's a ton of work to be done, but I am so excited to start doing it.




My attorney faxed EX a letter, now 2 weeks ago, to remind him of his obligation to child support, as well as his agreement to terminate his paternal rights. No response. With my usual perusal of myspace however, I noticed Dingo's comment as,

"Dingo is still trying to take it all in...best Valentine's Day ever!!!"

I can't help but think for people who just filed Chapter 7 bankruptcy, don't pay child support, nor sign papers.....she sure is happy. Grrr..... *stop looking - I know*




I can't help but think (and know) that she still looks at mine, and I look at her's and his. Does anyone else do this? Or am I the only one?

Stolen Thunder (This is long)

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the biggest days of my life. Yesterday, I became a home owner, I closed on the house I purchased. I soley indebted myself to a mortage, and a home. I will finally get to move out of strangers garage. I will finally give my son his own room again. I will finally have a backyard again.





How exciting is all of that for anyone, much less a single mom, who has been through the throes of emotinoal and financial hell in the last few years?





But ya know, what my boyfriend did? He stole my thunder.






I have understood all along, that he has felt akward about me buying the house, but in my defense, he's know, at the very since this summer, that I was dead set on buying a house, instead of throwing what little money I have away on rent.





His position all along has been renting an apartment, as well as giving my dog to someone (family or friend) to take care of and keep until we bought a house in a year or more.





Well, I buffed up, found the house that we both fell in love with, and bought it. After he knew that I was seriously about to buy a house, he said, "If you need it to get the house, you can put me on the loan." Well, I didn't need it. Therefore, I did it myself. Plus, my history has taught me a valuable lesson. Make sure that Doodle and I are #1, and taken care of, that we have a place to lay our head at night. And #2, do NOT combine checking accounts, until you have legally changed your last name to his (which I have strong feeling about always keeping my maiden now, since Doodle shares it, another argument for another time - but you get what I am saying.)





All the people that are congratulating me are: His Dad, His Mom, His sister, His brother. They all knew I was buying the house. I was applying for the loan. I was committing myself to a mortage. I borrowed money from my family for the downpayment, and apprasial fee.





He makes the comment that bothers the hell out of me: "no not jealous @ all but would like to think i am contributing"






Well other than daydreaming/planning what all we want to do to the house, he hasn't. I take that back. He transferred his electricity to our new house. We are debating on wheter to use my dishnetwork ( I have tons of Doodle's cartoons recorded on my DVR-- hence my real reluctance, or his cable.





Ok, he finally sent me an instant message this morning, and I am torn between being upset, and firey mad.









<

Seriously,.....Is it THAT Fun.....

To Torment me????





First of all, I didn't get to close on my house friday. My underwriter, was being "persnickety" as my loan officer says, and didn't get the paperwork over to the title company in time. Now, I should be closing tomorrow at lunch, they are meeting me here at my office.





Saturday, I failed my RN Test. Actually I made a "D", which is "failing"...and honestly I wouldn't want an RN who made D's taking care of me or my friends or family. So I am going to be busting hiney re-studying.....





And to top things off:





My attorney sent Ex a fax last week, to remind him of the termination papers, as well as the $4000 in arrears that he owes. He hasn't responded. My mind is reeling with the Why's.....





Why haven't you signed them yet?





Why haven't you paid Child Support?





Why are you doing this to me? Why do you still get pleasure from my pain?






UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH





I am so freaking frustrated I don't know what to do.





It is so hard to concentrate on whatever I'm doing, (or need to be doing) because I am daydreaming of the big "What If".





What If he(she) have changed their minds, and they are prepping to come back after my son?





How do YOU calm yourself down in these situations? What do you do to make yourself put topics to the back part of your brain, when other things really need to be at the forefront?!?!?!?

Exercise Challenged

Ok. So, I have all the ambitions of working out again.




Before I moved here, I worked out often. That has been 6 months ago.




I am such a mid-morning person, my ideal work out time, but guess where I am? Work. I so desperately want to get back into a gym. I am trying to figure out where I can save money and afford a gym membership. I paid off my digital camera this weekend, so maybe in it's place, I can slide a gym membership. I just imagine how great I'll feel up on an eliptical machine, sweating, listening to the MP3 player I got for Christmas, and knowing I am doing something I love doing, exercising.




Lately, I've been terrible about eating. Before the tax return, we were literally just eating, everything I had left in the house. This week (and last) has been so busy, that I have developed a McDonalds sausage biscuit and hasbrown breakfast ($1.08 for each) for Doodlebug and I. I know I have to stop. But it's so easy. But I Have to stop. ahhhh.... I know I can do this.




Why is it, when You get out of the habit of eating right and exercising, that it feels like such a chore to get back on track??? I have to go grocery shopping today. I need a game plan before I go. My to do list today is study, and making a food list. I actually want to try to plan a menu of sorts. I am really good at keeping a schedule. What I am not so good at, is haphazardly doing things. I fiure if I plan each meal for Monday - Friday, I'll do much better.




Now, I just need to do some research on fun, tasty easy meals, that Doodle and I will both enjoy.




Ok, off to work for a bit, and study.




I'm sure I'll be back today.

Who I am, as of today

I know that most bloggers, start their blogs, and tell who they are. I haven't done that yet. There is a reason, and for anyone who has read my blog in detail it's because I am waiting on Ex to sign termination of parental rights before I ever open my mouth again, explaining our history.




But for a quick synaposis:




We dated, we broke up. We got back together, we moved in together, we got engaged. He was a louse at taking care of "our" bills, and wasted money on strippers, alcohol, and things that shouldn't be snorted up your nose. We broke off the engagement, moved into seperate apartments. We dated and broke up again (several times), he moved to Dallas, and a few days later I found out I was pregnant.




I can't help but always think about one very strong statement, that always sticks in my head. The weekend, I went to stay with him (the first weekend of 2004)and tell him I was pregnant,he said something to break the final rose colored glass I was peeping through. The moment I was leaving that sunday, he said, "call me when you get home,.......so I can tell you what to do with the rest of your life." The rest of our 'relationship' was downhill from there.




By April, he agreed to terminate rights (when he met new girlfriend who would become his finace a month later, and his wife a year later on my birthday). We've battled in court numerous times. She stalked, and harrasssed me and my friends for months on end. He stopped paying child support and sporatically kept up with insurance.




We went back to court again November of 2007 and he has once again agreed to terminate his rights. I still haven't seen the papers.




As of today, I am still sitting on the edge of my seat, wondering, waiting, wishing he would hurry up and sign them, so I can have some closure. Praying, now that since all of his debts as filed in bankruptcy has been discharged, that he hasn't changed his mind about terminating.




I do however find joy in the fact that his wife is packing on puddly pounds, as seen on myspace, hehehe. It gave me great enjoyment to see her the last time we were in court. She looked as if she hadn't showered in 2 days. The dress she wore looked like it came out of RAVE, the store when I doubt anything is over $15. He used to call me cankles, (mind you I was a gymnast, a cheerleader from junior high-college), and when I saw how much weight she had put on, wide hips, and legs that were inseperable from her feet, I laughed. My 72 year old father even said, "Didn't she used to be a little bitty thing? God lord, look at the weight she's put on." And yes, on that one, I actually did LAUGH OUT LOUD.




Back in September of 2007, He (I assumed) was forced through the proceedings to file the last 2 years of income tax. I always figured he didn't, so it wouldn't come to me. The government, stepped in and seized the $2671 return, and put it into my child support account since he was over $7000 in arrears. The bad part was however, since he filed jointly with Dingo, it had to sit in that account for 120 days. Yesterday, it was deposited into my bank account. $2671 is a lot of money for me. I'm thinking day care, pay for 2 more RN tests,..... and you should see the Chesire Cat smile on my face.




Today is also working on toward a really big day. It is T minus (counting today) 4 days until Friday. Friday is the dream I haven't told you guys about. Friday, I am closing on my first house.




I bought a house.




Can you believe that????




I have worked hard to keep up with my bills for the last few years, and raise my credit score. I borrowed $500 from my dad, and $500 from my brother (to be paid back from my tax return this year:) )and put $1000 down for a house that was listed at $89,9000. Built in 1953, remodeled from the studs up, leaving on the original hard wood floors. Come Friday, I will be the proud owner of a 3 bedroom, 1 bath home. A home that belongs to me, and Doodlebug, and dog. Boyfriend is moving in with us, and I am excited about that.




But all of this always leads me back to EX. After Friday, once all the craziness has died down, I will be calling my attorney to ask him to do something about the termination stuff. Call Ex, do something.




Am I wrong to be wanting to be proactive in this. Half my mind is telling me don't put my hand in the ant hill. The other part of me is saying get this over with. Get the final touches of closure in your life.




If you are reading this, what would you do if you were in my situation?????