Gray Moods are not fun

I guess my post yesterday put me in a gray mood. And then that just makes me angry, because I have every right to be elated and excited, and nothing but happy right now. And instead, creeping into my thoughts are still the mad wonderings of my thoughts..... Wondering what the hell is going on?











I feel like, Ex is doing some sort of "Pay Back is Hell" thing. During the summer of 2005, his emails (as well as one of hers, written so obviously by her from his email account) just got plain abusive, and on advice from my attorney, I stopped responding to them, so that Ex could go through my lawyer, and I would no longer have to keep up the emotional warfare.











Now here I am, with this door of what the hell is going on standing wide open. They say that Karma is a bus, and well, I feel as though it has made it's stop at my house too often.











Why is it that single moms(and some dads) get so much of the torture?











We get to raise children on our own. Which we all take on and proudly say, "Yes I am a single mom, I am doing it on my own." But privately (or on places like our blogs) talk about how hard it really is. We are the ones, who cry over our circumstances. We are the ones, whose lives change dramatically, we are the real every-single-day parents. We are the ones who get early wrinkles, and baggy eyes. We are the ones who struggling the dating pools of life. We are the ones who are weathered by single parenthood. We are the ones who also wear those badges of honor proudly (most of the time).











And yes I know, I am super guilty of causing alot of my pain by scoping her myspace page. I know I need to stop. But how do you stop thinking about what are they doing? When are they going to end all of this?











Am I really that stir crazy?!?!?!?











Or am I hanging onto something that has been a dominating force in my life for 4 years now, because without it I would be lost. Who I am, if I am not the single mom fighting for her child? Who am I, if I am not the mother promising to make sure that they know the rules? Who am I, If I am not the single mom, who has to take a stand and lay down the law, because I know Doodle, and I know what is right for him, so if you want to be part of his life, you have to go through me???











Does that make sense?











I am starting to wonder, if this bothers me, because I am feeling a loss of part of my identity. Now I am just sinking into a mundane life of normalness. Because I have been a lion for the last 4 years battling for the health of my unborn child, battling for the life of my child during a traumatic delivery. Battling for the rights of my baby, and toddler for a sense of security and comfort ever since.











And yes, I do realize that I am still that brave, strong mom, who will always fight for what I believe is best for my child, and I am just stating a fact:











That part of who I have been for the last few years is gone, and that is a great thing, and will be the best thing, once the papers have been signed.....but it is kind of a loss of identity, and maybe that is why I am having what I feel like, too much of a crisis over it.











I need to let go. I HAVE TO LET GO. How long does it really take? I guess there is no time limit. An emotional, mental, and pyschological healing has to happen, and I know that is different for everyone. I am wrong to speed it along. I guess somewhere, somehow, I need to learn to breathe, and take each moment, each day as it comes. And know that I will still have my gray days, but hopefully those will come less and less.











And today is one of those days. I am trying to avoid my boyfriend as much as possible, because I am just in a foul mood, and everything and everyone is pretty much getting to me. I know that this is about me, and no one else, so I am trying to keep the peace.










What do you do, to find your smile on days like this???