Another Monday

OK ok...ok....

I know...I haven't written anything today...

but just not in the mood........

Trust there is ALOT I have to say...but I slept in my contacts last night, so there are about dried to my eyeballs now...and there is just alot going on...

I promise I will try to update tomorrow after my follow up with the Doctor to get my test results.

Did Ya'll know I went to Fiji Last Night??

I couldn't help but think of MommyPie, when I took this picture, although hers are much better with the Photoshop action. One day,...I'm going to buy photoshop and play too :) But this will do for now.

Anyway, Last night, as I was sitting my last class (which was from 5-11:30) of my American Red Cross, CPR/FIRSTAID/AED Instructor class, my mind kept drifting, all over the place,....hmmm I wonder why??

I couldn't help but keep looking at my bottle and thinking: Could I really just sell everything and move there???? Could I be happy doing something like that?? And do you know, what the only two objections I could come up with were? 1) I've never been there, so I really don't know if I would like it, and 2) I think I would have to quarantine my dog, and I can't stand the thought of him being in "prison" for any length of time.

Then I phone started vibrating, it was my friend "Z". My friend "Z" is one of the most charming, sweetest, most sincere people I have ever met. We worked together when I lived in Austin. It's like we became best of friends almost instantaneously. One of the first things I remember her saying to me was, "It's like you never worked here, and then you showed up one day, and it feels like you've just always been here." Simple statement right. But it made me feel good, and cared for, which was pretty important, because at that time, The EX and I were still engaged and living together. Z and I usually worked the same shifts, which was pretty convenient since she was in charge of the schedule, and we always had Wednesday's off so we could for sure lay out on those days...and usually any other day we had off. She quickly became my best friend. I always felt like I could tell her anything. She was just quite simple an amazing friend. She even had dinner and met the Ex once, and I remember thinking, "oh God, please let him be on his best behavior and polite" ( I knew then...this can't be right), but he came, ate, and left....I was so embarrassed. But she never acted like it bothered her, and I was grateful. ( How sad is it that I am crying right even thinking about what a smuck I was back then to let him treat me or my friends like that?)

So, anyway, best friend that she was, she was the one, I asked to be there with me, for me, for my unborn baby during birth. I was so embarrassed to be 'alone', that I never took a Lamaze class, but I got a DVD from the hospital education classes, and she came over and watched them with me. She planned the most amazing baby shower I could have asked for. She would go off her Atkins diet to go to the Olive Garden with me when I had a doctor's appointment to get a sonogram, and we just would say, "Diet? What diet? it's sonogram day!" As a matter of fact, as my due date was approaching, so was the end of my lease on my apartment. With still a week to go, and not a labor pain in sight, she let me come stay in her home, in her spare room, until Doodlebug was born. She even ganged up with the other nurses and forced me to take that Monday off, as I had already worked something like 54 hours that pay check, and had Tuesday off for my doctor's appointment, and scheduled myself to work on my due date. Lucky for me, she was the charge nurse for post partum the day I had that appointment, so when they made me go from the office to L&D, she was either right there at my side, or in front of the monitor watching me and the baby. Who could ask for more right? Well, it still gets better. They decided to keep me over night to induce me, and she stayed with me. Heck, she even "called in", had another nurse take her place on the floor before the shift was over so that she could be with me.

The next she never left me. She held my hand. She watched and monitored my contractions, gave me a warm "it's gonna be ok just relax smile" whenever they would tell me, I am still not dilating, or my water if full of meconium, or any of the other worst case scenario's came my way. She was the one holding my hand and rubbing my hair when the doctor told me I had to have a c-section, and started crying. Then I'll never forget, I whispered to my other friend "S" who knew the Ex very well, "he should have been here." Minutes came by, shift changed, and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Things were wrong, very wrong. But Z stayed the course. Another (newer) friend, "E" came to see me after her shift, she was transfer from L&D and very comforting to have here there as well. What I remember the most, is my nurse, running in and out, "E" checking my monitors, glancing at me, whispering to Z, but both always smiling and telling me we were going to be ok. Then there was the screaming, to call the doctor, that I needed and emergency c-section, being whisked down the hall, and taken to an operating room. And guess who was by my side? Z. She was excited, and nervous, I could see it in her eyes, but she still held on, and smiled for me, and got sooo excited when they were opening me and staying, "ooohh Ana...Here he comes!!" E was directly behind her, and the next thing I remember is saying, "take a picture what does he look like." She said, No. But when I finally looked at her, my heart stopped. The heartbreak I saw in her eyes, made my own heart stop beating. Then a nurse calmly came over to me and, "Ana, I know you know what everything means, I need you to remain calm for what you are about to hear. . "and as she trailed off, I heard it, They had called a Code Blue, on my baby. My hand never left hers. She held on for dear life, mine, and his. As the NICU resuscitation came running in, she gave me the best play by play with the least information she should. It made me feel better. Except for when I would ask things like, "why can't I hear him crying, why can't I hear my baby. What's wrong with him?" She would glance down at me quickly, so I couldn't see the standing tears in her eyes, and would just whisper, "I don't' know, I can't really see."

Doodle was taken to NICU and stayed for a week. Z, stayed with me as often as possible, and visited as much as should could when she was working. After I moved home, she even came all the way out to BFE to see me and Doodlebug. This is someone who didn't know me from Adam, but has been one of the most important people in my life, she helped me bring Doodlebug into this world.

I guess I am writing because I feel a little ashamed. I haven't spent much time with her in way too long. She herself has now had two amazingly beautiful sons of her own, and I wasn't there for either of them. That alone kills me. I have been so wrapped up in myself, that I haven't taken the time I should have been taking, to call her, visit her, anything.

I know that because in her voicemail last night, I heard that same, sweet, caring, voice I had once knew so well. She had read my blog, and had said, "I had no idea what you have been going through." And I couldn't help but think:....When was the last time I called her, to see what she is doing, what she is going through. I feel sorrow because I feel that I haven't been the friend to Z, that she has always been to me.

And Z, if you read this, please know, I am sorry. I promise, I am going to start making more time for the important people in my life. Even if it means, brown bagging it for 3 weeks straight to get there, I'm coming home to see you and the boys.

OH MY GOD AT THE EMAIL I JUST GOT!

Ana,

I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. The papers have been signed and sitting on my desk for 2 months now, but I'm still pretty hesitant to send them.

I will try to keep this letter as non-confrontational as I can, but unfortunately I need address some concerns so we can come to some kind of final conclusion in this matter.

You told me you wanted to try to work this out on our own, which is fantastic, so I'm sending this directly to you instead of your attorney. I hope that you will continue to communicate with me a little longer so we can get this worked out.

Obviously it is not an easy or pleasant decision for me to give up my rights to Doodlebug.

My first choice would of course be for you to begin obeying the law and stop being, in my opinion, selfish at my and Doodle's expense which would mean I could exercise my court ordered visitation and have a nice relationship with him.

That sounds a little harsh because this is a harsh situation you have created and I hope it is as unpleasant for you to hear as it is for the rest of us to have to live with.

The A.G's office is breathing down my neck again pretty fiercely about the back child support.

As you know, Dingo and I have have had serious financial troubles over the last couple of years.

Those troubles were in no small part caused by the time, stress and nearly $84,000.00 we have paid over the last 3 years in child support, legal and travel related expenses in our failed attempts to convince you to allow and the courts to enforce my visitation rights w/ Doodlebug. When I actually figure the costs of lost time the figure quickly raises to well over $125,000.00. This staggering, horrible and has to stop.

Dingo and I were trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I'm paying for it at all.

We were in court 5 months ago in October after nearly a year of requesting a legitimate and reasonable decrease in child support. In October when the AG's office finally made time for us, they thoroughly investigated and examined our financial records and recommended that the support amount be decreased to $350.00 plus health insurance and that the final order be entered reflecting the appropriate standard visitation schedule as it was previously ordered by the judge when Doodlebug turned 3 ( which he did in September).

True to form, you and your attorney fought, delayed and manipulated proceedings so that, yet again, no decision, agreement or any other type of positive progress could be made and my trip and expenses were, yet again, wasted.

I don't really want to rehash this any further except to say that the only acceptable option I'm willing to consider in terminating my rights is that I no longer have to pay any support. The giving up of rights is actually not as difficult as I had imagined because I have NEVER actually had any rights to Doodlebug since day one save the $40,000.00 I've paid in support and health insurance.

If you had allowed the support to be lowered to a reasonable amount, there would be no back support owed.

We have 2 options:

This first is not my preference, but to be honest, the thought of getting you out of my life and re-gaining some control so that I can go back to being happy and successful is extremely attractive. This is only an option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time.

OPTION 1) You will temporarily pay the total of all delinquent and current child support payments which will, of course be immediately sent straight back to you after 3 days. If the 2 of you intend to adopt and care for Doodlebug and you truly have no need for me in a financial respect, there should be no issue in you coming up w/ the approx. $5,000 that will require for less than 1 week. If you can't then I suggest you start re-thinking your position that you don't need any more financial support from me and that Doodleubg doesn't need me. I have just come out of bankruptcy and near financial ruin and I still managed to come up with over $80,000.00 over the last 3 years in an attempt to support and visit Doodlebug. You can set up any legitimate conditions you or your attorney would like to insure that the funds are secure and that I will go through with my part. As I said, this is not my first choice, but there does not seem to be any positive relationship in our future so as long as you can take care of Doodlebug, I'm willing to back off and let you do so. As I told you before on the phone, if Doodlebug ever needs anything, please don't hesitate to ask. Depending on what you ask for, I may not be willing or able to give it, but I will try and I will never make you or Doodlebug feel bad for asking.

OPTION 2) If you do not have the resources to take of the stipulations I set forth above within a couple of weeks, then I will pay the back support in full and continue my attempts to develop my relationship with Doodlebug. You have now lived in Brazoria county for 6+ months so it will be no problem to get the case transferred there at this point. Especially in light of the terrible stalemate that has been going on in Hardin County (and the fact that you never lived in that county in the first place) along with the fact that the AG's office said they would have no problem recommending a transfer and finally because it is the law... there should be no problem getting an immediate transfer. I have family and friends who are successful family law attorneys in that area so it will be inexpensive or even free for me to stay there and to continue my legal efforts in gaining appropriate visitation and reasonable support. I have also contacted several of my contacts in local law enforcement agencies in your area and they have told me there will be no problem
enforcing our current orders which state that standard visitation went into effect on Doodlebug's 3rd birthday. That actually means that I am going to begin my regular visitations as often as possible starting next month if this is the option that I/we decide on.

Please let me know which option you would most like to pursue. If your answer is that neither is acceptable, then be on notice that I will proceed with option 2 and I will be picking Doodlebug up for the first possible visitation period after April 15th.

I know this is upsetting because it is is horribly upsetting and stressful for me, but please keep in mind that this has gone on long enough and my goal is to come to quickest possible conclusion so that we can all move on with our lives. Doodlebug is getting too old for this to not begin affecting him negatively pretty soon.

Thanks,

The EX

This is my reply...which hasn't been sent, because at this moment, my attorney is reading it, and he's say's he will reply to The Ex...but wants to read my email first....

Let's hope I get to send this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poop-for-Brains with a tiny Penis,

The funny thing about your delays, is the simple fact that if you would have gotten back to me in a timely matter, you wouldn't have had to stress yourself out in writing this snarky "non-confrontational" email in the first place, which is amusing to me since you have a history of "non-testy”, “non-confrontational", "non-harsh" prose.

As a matter of fact, I have been trying to communicate with you for several weeks now, (without my attorney) and yet you haven't responded to a single phone call. In addition to that, your wife also refused to give me a contact number (being that calling the 1800 number isn't working for this, the publicly listed home phone number is disconnected) so that I could contact you outside of a time, when we are
both not busy, me at my job, and you at your conferences or whatever it is that you do these days.

First and foremost, do not dare blame any 'situation' on me as a situation that I have created. You are an adult, well into his mid 30s, stop pointing fingers for your own short comings.

I am not at all sorry that you owe back child support for a child that you helped to create, as evidenced by the paternity test you made Doodlebug and I take. As I have been supporting him for three years with virtually no help from you, especially recently- with $50 here and there, or when monies were seized from you, I don't feel that I have anything to prove to you regarding my ability to support Doodlebug. In case you don’t have a correct figure, you currently owe $4733 and will rise on the 1st of April.

As for the Texas Office of the Attorney General, "breathing down your neck" as you so eloquently put it, that has nothing to do with me. You are a person, who has not done what you were ordered to do; you must in your own age and maturity realize that is your fault alone and not mine.

As far as yours and Dingo’s “financial troubles”, I could care less. That as well, has nothing to do with me. You have made the decisions that have lead to your “financial troubles”, please do not pretend, I have had anything to do with that. And to be quite honest, you don’t truly appear to be living the life of paupers, so again, I don’t really care, nor do I care about hearing about it.

These troubles you speak of: are a funny thing too because for a FACT, you have paid EXACTLY $24, 966.55 in child support. As yes you can quote me on that, because as of today, March 27, 2008 at 8:36 a.m. that was the number I just got from the Texas OAG hotline when I called to make sure I quoted true and correct information. As well if you want to quote a number for money spent to raise Doodlebug, in addition to “Stress”, I am certain, my estimated figure could well out-range yours; so again, to make these numbers out of thin air is silly, and quite frankly a waste of time to write, as well as read. The extra money you spent was a direct result of your refusal to continue to pay the support obligation, and has absolutely nothing to do with me. Had you done what you were legally bound to do, you most certainly would not have incurred “the extra debt.” I am well aware that you were fired from certain legal services for non-payment of services, so please, I am asking you at this point, to stop throwing around random financial figures, as they are useless.

As for this statement: “Dingo and I are trying to figure out today how to budget so that we could get the back support paid down when it occurred to me again how ridiculous it is that I am paying for it all.” I agree that it IS ridiculous that you owe back child support. I am still not quite sure why you refused to pay it in the first place. A budget sounds like a wonderful idea; I could help you with that should you need it, as I have been living on one for the past 3+ years.

And once again, you are citing incorrect information. We were supposed to be in court in October of 2007, but you were “unable” to attend, and we actually did go to court, November 20, 2007. As well as, there was no “recommendations” or order for lowered child support by the AG’s behalf, I am aware there were outrageous requests on your behalf, but they were not agreed upon, nor were they the thoughts of the Texas OAG, so I don’t think it wise to put “facts” here on their behalf.

As for your statement on me and my attorney manipulating proceedings, my attorney and I are only acting in Doodlebug's best interests. Apparently, the legal
system agrees with us. Further than that, I will not go on in this subject area, I concede, as you know more about manipulation that I do.

As for your only acceptable option to willingly consider terminating your rights is that you no longer have to pay any support, by definition, you would no longer have to pay child support. The court order, would allow for that. As for- if I would have let the child support be lowered to a reasonable amount (which I am assuming is about $50, what you were almost regularly paying) there would be no back child support~ well to that I must say, you can’t really raise a child on $50 a month, I feel sure that pets you may have or had eat more than that. How can you expect that to support a human on that?

As for your “Options”

“This is the only option for me if I feel like Doodlebug will be taken care of and supported financially which are not obvious to me at this time”,~ not that owe you any explanation, but Doodlebug has had a roof over his head, clothes on his back, food to eat, and toys to play with, not to mention unconditional love and adornment from
everyone in his life since the beginning of it. He has been provided for, never with any lack of desire to do so by me, The Boyfriend, or either of our families. As a matter of fact, we haven’t even had to filled bankruptcy in the last, well, ever.

OPTION1)
For the first time, since I have known you, I can say you might be correct about something. But there will be a “condition” on my part. The one thing I know truly about you, is that I can not trust you. So, as soon as the papers are in the hands of my attorney, and the judge, that you agree to terminate all your rights to Doodlebug,
and that you, nor anyone in your family, nor future children ever contact him, I will take care of every single penny you owe in back child support. With me writing this, it is enough proof that you will be obligated to nothing. AGAIN, I cannot stress enough, I- DO-NOT-CARE about your financial status or supposed lack there of. You knew, 24 hours after I did, that you were a father-to-be. On that note, as I did, you should have been planning to take care of that obligation, instead of pretending that it might not exist. I assure you, Doodlebug will NEVER need you for anything, so please do not worry or stress anymore that I, or he may ever ask you for anything. You are so kind, to assure me that you would not make either of us “feel bad” for asking, I am just flushed with the feeling of warm fuzzies over that statement.

OPTION2
Well, since I have already agreed to Option 1, there really is no need for me to go into this, however I will say: That for someone who says they have no money, are in financial ruins, and cannot pay child support or arrears, for you to be able to come up with money to “pay the back support in full” sounds quite magical. And yes I am aware that you know where I live, as well as contact phone numbers that I have, because I have abided by our court order, and given these to you, so that I may never be found “in contempt”. Please do not kid yourself on a fantasy that even if our court hearings were changed, that you hold any power of me, I have been a great, upstanding parent, and abided by the law given to me, even with all our circumstances, can you say the same? Your days of bullying me, and now trying to blackmail me with my son, are over. As for you trying to pinpoint court ordered allowances of visitation, our last, effective, COURT ORDER , states that you have to follow through will all phases of visitation before the next starts, so again, stop your bullying, and manipulation, they may serve a greater purpose in other areas of your life, because they are of no use here.

Upsetting for you, sure, why not, looks good on paper. As for Doodlebug, he is a healthy happy child, who knows none the less.

To summarize my reply to everything you said, in short form:

I will make sure, and I have confirmed this with Mr. XXXAG attorney, that once you have signed AND RETURNED the Parental Termination papers of Doodlebug, to my attorney, XXXXXX, and a court date is set, so that I may present it to the judge, at that time, you will be forgiven all future child support, as well as any arrears owed.

.

So...I have spoken with my attorney. He says not to send :(

He says... wait... let the Ex sweat it out....and pay. That I am to have no further contact with him. That the AG is pretty fed up with his antics...

This makes me a tad nervous.

Again... I just want it all to be over with.

Back To Court We Go. . . .

I just got off of the phone with my case worker from the Texas Office of the Attorney General. . .

It seems now... that I should be awaiting another letter from them... one for a court date.

Seems EX and the Dingo continue to be non-compliant, therefore they have now presently file legal actions against him, and we will have a court date in our future.

The date isn't set as of yet, but should be soon.

This will either mean one of two things:

Those termination papers will finally be sent, or

We will duke it out in court,..... again....


I don't know if I can handle the later, emotionally, mentally, and now physically.

I am at work ... and in silent tears because I just don't know what to do or think

I got offered the job

For the place that I interviewed.

They want to hire me at $15.57 an hour.

The Houston average is $16.01.

I make $18.00 an hour.

I just added up my gas purchases this year alone, at $700, and that is not including the tollway fees.

New job is just a couple ( and I mean less than 10) miles from my house. It is approximately 2 miles from Doodlebugs school.

Current job is 33 miles from my house, which is at least an hour both directions in traffic. . .

This is a hard decision...

If anyone out there is reading this with sound advice, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME!!!!!

The lady said she would pitch it again to her people.....

And that I should crunch some numbers, so I did.

Currently at $18.....is $37,440.

at $17...... would be $35,360

at $16.50...would be $34,320

at $16.00...would be $33,280

at $15.57....would be $32,385


if gas continued the way it is....I would be paying approximately $3000 a year in gas. And I have already paid almost $200 this year in toll fees....



WHAT WOULD YOU ASK FOR????



Well I got a call back the a.m. and now she is offering me a $1500.00 sign on bonus that would be available to me 90 days after employment.

I think I am going to call her back, and say $16 per hr...plus the sign on bonus.

No Diagnosis ... Yet

I went to the Doctor today, and I have to say...so sweet, I loved her. She listed to everything, all of my non-matching symptoms.

First thing is first, tomorrow, I will go get a fasting blood test for her 'diagnosis' or in the medical field ICD-9 code for "other malaise and fatigue which includes: Asthenia NOS, lethargy, postviral (asthenic syndrome) and tiredness.

She is also a bit worried about my throid. And is suggesting the possibility of doing an EGD.

So for blood work tomorrow, I'll be getting a Complete Metabolic Panel, a lipid panel, a CBC with differentials, Thyroid Stimulating Hormone, and a Total Thyroxine, and last but not least a urine analysis.

So maybe there will be some answers... or maybe it is just stress....

Wanna see what I found perusing the internet yesterday...a job ad for Ex's company( I blocked out words that can be telling, sorry ;) ):

Learn to XXXXXXXX!

Learn one of the fastest growing and highest paying
trades in the XXXXXX industry.

If you want to work, are honest and
reliable, we will take care of you!

Bonuses for completed jobs,
referrals, loyalty.

We guarantee we will pay 10% to 20% higher than any
other company for comparable work.

Opportunity to become production
manager and/or run your own crews. Call for details

Special Benefits
Include:

Relocation Reimbursement by
Company

casual dress code

flexible work hours

health insurance

employee profit sharing

special hours
for summer months

Sign-on bonus

Four or more weeks time-off 1st year

Four-day
work week (10 hour days)

Will sponsor visa
if not US citizen

Will consider applicants on a
part-time basis

Independent contractors may respond

Entry level
applicants may respond

Restrictions:
No Telecommuting - must work
all hours on-site
Only considering applicants who currently live in the USA

Pay:
40K-90K

So I am curious...Does anyone else think that this is crazy for a man who can not pay his child support, or has blackmailed me to pay his arrears?!?!?!?!?!

I found these too.... on different advertising internet sites for his company:

Description:
XXXXX is a Dallas-based, XXXXXXXXX. The EX created
& manages the company with his wife, Dingo, who is their Office and Events
Coordinator. They have recently expanded their Dallas & Austin offices and
are in the process of opening their 2nd branch office in San Antonio,
TX. The EX has extensive experience in residential construction with a
special interest in unique, well-engineered designs, cutting-edge technologies,
energy-efficient materials and installation techniques as well as producing the
highest possible return on investment for Texas homeowners.

XXXX is one of the fastest growing XXXXX Companies in Texas and is
projected to be one of the Top 500 XXXXX in the nation in 2008.

--We are having a Great Year so far, so we are keeping the specials
going... Thanks for your Business!,

So how do you deal with all of this information....

I am starting to feel as though I am the only one trying to figure this all out....

It's like a contraction....but worse

I am miserable today....for many reasons.







I haven't been feeling well for awhile. But lately I've been having sharp pains in my lower abdomen. I mean these things make me double over in pain so bad, that I wonder,....did my contractions even hurt this bad???







Well, Friday Boyfriend and I got to go out on a date yea! It was a decent night, a pitcher of sangraia wine and two tattoo's are the results of that night:)

Yes...I did say tattoo's. In Reality world, my name isn't Anabiosis, or even close. As a matter of fact, I am often referred to by my last name. I love my last name. I like that people call me Last name instead of first name, it's cool. Boyfriend's last name begins with the same letter, that mine does, "P". We've both talked about getting a tattoo that was just a P...so we did.

Saturday, I went back home to Beaumont, and had a dinner date with my best friend who I have known for 27 years, and the girl who I talked about in my blog "The most mature relationship", as well as my 39 year old brother who had a cancerous kidney removed just barely 2 weeks ago.

Anyway, I proceed to get hammered. I mean d-r-u-n-k, but a fun drunk. It was good times with good friends, and good food, ...and about 1 and a half Georgia Teas too many.

1 oz vodka
1 oz gin
1 oz light
rum
1 oz peach
schnapps
fill with fruit
juice

yummy drink... obviously. And I was just happy to out, pretending to be a normal person. That was all about to change a few hours later.

I woke up around 9, got in the shower, felt fine, but hungover, then death started rattling on my door. I started throwing up, and never stopped. I missed church. I could barely get from the bed to the bathroom. I had the backdoor issues as well. My mother finally forced me to get in the truck so we could all go to my cousins house for Easter. I threw up twice along the way. I started to call Boyfriend, but started throwing up, so I asked my brother to leave a message for him.

I did nothing all except violently throw up, and lay down. And I will admit that I am not only embarrassed, but ashamed that I missed watching Doodle have the best day ever. He got to play with all the little cousins, jump on the trampoline, ride a small moterized bike, he had a blast. I felt like I was dying. I was even toying with going to the E.R. During all of this, once when my mom came to check on me, I asked her to call boyfriend for me, to let him know what was going on, because I didnt' want him worrying about me. She got his voice mail, and left him a message that I was terribly sick. He called back later and told her in a snarky tone, that he would rather I called him, and IF I really was THAT sick, I should see a doctor. She came and told me, and then I thew up some more. About 45 mintues later, I called him from the home phone at my cousins house ( my cell was in my truck ) and left a message, saying I was about to ask my mom to take me to the ER. It was at this time, my cousin asked me if I wanted a phenergan suppository, and I said yes. I know, a little too much info, but it worked. When we climbed back in the truck I called boyfriend who was being mean. I told him I was sick, and his comment was that's what happens when you get drunk. The words aren't that mean themselves...it was the tone. Then he asked me what time I got home last night, and I said, "I don't have a clue."

Then...

He said, "Did you even come home??"

This started a fight.

He didn't believed I was as sick as I was.

Last ngiht.....he assures me that his drunk and coming home comments were jokes, (just ask his brother)...and I got defensive about it. My fault.

I disrespected him by not calling him.

My family disrepected him by not forcing me to call him. By leaving him messages for me.

When I got home, he had packed several bags...and was leaving.

.

I put Doodle in the tub...and sat there with him, while he played with the bubbles left in his Easter Basket.

I still felt miserable. The phenergan was wearing off. He wanted to talk. Which resulted in his normal...if you want, I will leave and you'll never see me again. Not good. I said, bye. He then continued....and continued to tell me what I did was wrong. I needed to apoligize for me and my family disrespecting him....and our relationship. Seems he thinks they were covering up something, "pulling the wool over his eyes."

The whole fight is a blur. I can't remember all of as most of the time I was fighting off the knife like feeilng in my lower abdomen,...and the waves of nausea that were filtering back in. I do remember he made the comment, that I deserved men like The Ex. It was at that point, that I got up, went to the bathroom, and started my bath. Went to our room, got my pj's...and back in. He followed. He asked me what was going on and I replied with, "that was it. That was the comment that ends it all here."

yeah... he left.

I let him...

After my bath...I closed and lock the front door, and went to bed.

He came back. Because he wanted to hug me.

We continued to fight.

My whole thing is this: I became clear to me, that no matter what decision I make (like asking my mom to call him so he would know what was going on) that it isn't right, nor one that makes him happy.

I can't win for losing.

All I wanted to do was sleep.

But in he came. Wondering why I don't care. My answer was simple enough to me.

I am not that girl anymore.

I'm just not. Thanks to Ex. I used to cry. I used to fret. I used to literally worry myself sick.

I am cold. I am broken. All he keep saying was, " I need you to make me stay", and yet all I did was sit there and stare at the wall.

Is it possible? That I am still........carrying that much hate, not to mention that much hurt, that I can't swallow my pride enough to tell Boyfriend that I love him and need him in mine and Doodlebug's life??? The old me, would have groveled. The old me would have cried and begged him to stay. The me post Ex... just sits there and says NOTHING. Not one word.

I am still sick today. My stomach is killing me. I sit here and I wonder, it is stress that is doing this to me? Is it the worry, and the constant "what if" , and "when is he's"??? that is pulling me down so far, that my body is finally starting to react negatively?

Naturally there is so much more to all of this. But I can't even fathom the energy to write. But I was going to let him walk out of our house last night...just let him go. He may still go.

Do I fight?

Do I grovel?

Or do I continue to be the stone of person that I have been???

Got a Doctor's Appointment Tuesday

Health Care Professionals make the worst patients!!!

We think we can diagnose ourselves...or just keep waiting it out.

For as long as I can remember, I have been a victim of stress. I am the person that over thinks EVERYTHING and lets it get to me.

I have once been on Paxil, didn't seem to do much, as well as Ambien (which I loved) and Dysrel (knocked me out - can't do with a child in the house now).

Anyway, I finally did it.

I made a doctor's appointment to see if there is anything I can do for my fatigue.

Last September-ish, when I went for my yearly OB/GYN visit, I discuss my lack of desire, and my inability to sleep well. Her suggestion was to "get some of the stress out of my life."

I smiled patiently, and thought, "Wonder if next time I fill out a patient history form, if I should give her a copy of the notebook I have filled full of 4 years of hateful emails, posts written on websites, text messages, and court documents. . . "and then she is she can seriously ask me to see if I can reduce some of the stress in my life.

Although I am no longer receiving the hateful emails, or posts that Dingo used to write, I am still under the stressors of waiting for the termination papers.

Anyway....here's to hoping this Doc can help me with the fatigue, and everything else....

An Update of Sorts

I didn't' get home from my CPR Instructor class until after 11 the other night, and by the time we (doodlebug and I-he was at my brother's house) got home, in our PJ's etc, we were both exhausted. And he, was showing signs of being "over-tired". Not to mention, Uncle forgot to grab his backpack from school, which I had packed his blankie in, so there we were, without it and in bed, not a good thing.

Anyway, he kept crying out, so I finally got in bed with him (thank goodness I opted for the full over twin bunk) and just slept with him that night.

Boyfriend and I made a little small talk on my way out of the house, and a short phone conversation about how it must have rained mud that night by how our clean automobiles looked that morning.

Yesterday was ok too, except, I decided to take one of those terrible tasting 5 hour energy shot things, and was nauseated for the rest of the day. I finally threw up after dinner, which was terrible. We got Barrilla pasta sauce with a wine flavor and it was disgusting. Anyway, I finally dug out my phenergan, and took one, which always makes me sleepy, so I went to bed by myself.

Boyfriend is upset though because, #1, my dog chewed through our new law mower pull string thing. #2, He can't find his favorite hat, thinks it somehow (via doodlebug) got tossed into one of the leave bags. No one's fault but his own, he should have put it up.

Anyway, I think he was upset that I went to bed, but he was in the man-cave when I was yaking, so I am not sure if he knew how sick I really was.

To add, I am starting to wonder if I need to go find a family doctor. I am so fatigued all the time, I am wondering if maybe I am becoming anemic, or have low hemoglobin counts or something. I am way to tired all the time. And no, I am not pregnant, I already took a test to make sure.

On an up note, boyfriend added me to his 24 hour fitness membership, so I can go workout and maybe that will help.

As for the Doodle!!!

Joyous news! He has been on green all week!!! The kids have a thing that resembles a red light. Red is obviously bad, yellow, not great, and Green is Good!!!

I think by us, turning off his TV last week, and really really having "family" and "Doodle-attention" time worked for him. He's been alot better, and I just hope we can keep it up.

I am sorry this post stinks...but I am just too tired to get too deep into anything right now.

I'll be cleaning house all day tomorrow. It's a holiday at work, and my mother is coming to help, thank God... so cheers for now, hope you have a great weekend and a Happy and Safe Easter!

She let the Mascara Run. . . .

When I lived in Beaumont, I had a friend, who introduced me to a guy who was the lead singer in a local band, called Knuckle Deep. His name is Lee Pelly.

He used to sing at karoke night at a bar called Madison's, and I fell in loooove with his voice.

He even sang a song to me,....on my birthday....

ahhhh


Anyway, one night, he sang this song...and it touched me personally.

I love this song, and always search it out when I am feeling blue, because I always seem to think he is singing about me.

Anyway, click on his band's myspace page, and click on Mascara and tell me what you think!


http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=72704386

Not a word was spoken, all through the house

last night.
I didn't hear from boyfriend all day yesterday.
He wasn't home yesterday when I got home. I cooked dinner, he never showed up, so Doodlebug and I ate, I put left overs for him in a container and left it out for him. He came home as I was getting out of the tub. Not a word was said. Finally after getting dressed, I told him I had cooked dinner and it was on the stove. "Thank you."
I then overheard him talking to his mom (in Florida) about apartments there that were for rent.
After he hung up, he walked out and told me to call my brother's kids and tell them he was on his way over so they wouldn't be freaked out.
I called my brother, apparently he had asked him to do a favor for him.
I went to bed later, still nothing from boyfriend. I am not even sure when he came home.
No words this morning.
On my way out the door, I said bye, and he ignored me and said nothing.

I slammed the door.
I emailed him and sent him a text message to let him know that he need not worry about picking up Doodle from school for me today while I am at CPR classes.
I just logged onto myspace, and his message says:

Just going to give up

I am not going to let any man make me feel guilty about the choices I make in my life.
I am sad, I am hurt, I am heartbroken, and I am furious.
.

_________________________________________________________

A case of "the Monday's"

So, an update on my weekend:

Friday was ok, I got paid, and decided to buy Doodle something for Easter Sunday Church. I bought two outfits, bringing them back to the office so my secretary could help me chose between the two, and I would take the other back. Well, I took the bag into my son's room and boyfriend followed me in there. He asked, "What is that", so I explained it to him. This is a land mine about to explode. He proceeds to tell me I need to start watching where I spend my money, and that I over do it on my son. I looked at him, and the only thing needed to come out of my mouth was, "It's my money." He got angry, and kind of stormed off. The night was horrible. I just went about my business around the house not really talking to him.

He explained later that he saw me bawling about money the day before (about my truck) and he I was spending money. I explained to him, I had already budgeted for his church clothes, a whopping $23 (old navy) and that that was our family holiday, and we always did that, it was a tradition, I wasn't willing to give up. So, Anyway....on to other things.....

Boyfriend ALWAYS complains that we have no friends, life is sooooo boring etc. Well, I joined a group at meetup.com. My new friend Stephanie, was having a crawfish boil this weekend, and I was so excited about going, meeting new friends, letting Doodle play with other kids, and all that jazz. So, I woke up bright and early Saturday morning, resumed cleaning up around the house, and trying to get stuff organized. By the time boyfriend woke up, I had the kitchen in tip top shape. So I mention to him, that I was planning on running by Conn's and just finally getting a lawnmower so we could do a little yard work that day. He gets fired up and decided that he would just get it and I could half it with him that way. He started checking things out on the internet, (while I am still spiffing up the place) and finally says:

"Why don't we get dressed, and go look for one real quick, then we'll have it."

I think real quick, means real quick. It doesn't. It means 3 hours of shopping for a lawn mower. Saturday was a beautiful day, and spending it inside his truck while we go from Wal-mart, to Lowe's, to Sears, was not my cup of sunshine. Then, Doodle decides he is hungry and wants pizza (he saw CiCi's next to Sears) and I deliberately say, let's just order one and pick it up. The wait inside Sears for someone to help us was maddening in itself. Then as soon as we get out, Boyfriend wants to take Doodle to CiCi's. At this point, I am about to die, it's about 2ish, and I just want to be outside. I give in and we ate crappy CiCi's. At some point, he asks me what is wrong, and I say, I just want to hurry up and get home. Then he on the quite sly says, "What is with you and why are you always in a hurry"...I tried to get him to repeat that, which he didn't, so I finally say I just want to go to the party. His remark was "she hasn't even called you back", ( I left her cell number at home, and called her house-which wastn't answered but didn't surprise me thinking she is probably OUTSIDE!!) Anyway we get back, and of course we start racking leaves...14 bags to be exact.

We got the leaves up, he mowed, and when it came to to talk about at least going by my new friends house, I get, "You can go I'll probably just stay here." #$@%#$%@#$^@#$%#$%@#$%

I made a huge attempt to meet people who were like us, young, with kids, who did stuff....and what do I get from him... not so interested in meeting them, or at least that is what I felt like.

So, I finally, and sadly let my friend know that we wouldn't be coming. I was tired, physically and mentally.

Sunday was spent, getting stuff for the flower beds, and working more on our front yard. Last night was the big blow up.

After working ALL DAY.... he got in the shower first, while I heated up mine, and Doodlebug's dinner, and was trying to come up with something for his (we were munching on leftovers). He got out, helped himself to his left over IHOP, we ate, I took a quickish bath, got Doodle bathed, and anyone who has a 3 year old, knows this can be a chore (all while he is lounging on his chair watching ESPN), getting Doodle dressed in his pj's, and off to his room for bedtime....

I finally get to the living room to ****ahhhhh****lay down and rest, where I make the most sincere comment, "I-am-exhausted- every- muscle- in- my -body-aches."

FRICK AND FRACK

I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOO ANGRY TODAY...I AM SHAKING.

JUST SPENT THE LAST OF MY SAVINGS ON MY TRUCK, AND DINGO AND I GOT INTO IT *sort of* on the phone....


GOING HOME NOW TO DRINK LOTS OF SHINER BLONDE.....

WILL BE CONTINUED IN DEPTH TOMORROW......

ok,.... today is a new day, and I am in a much better mood, letting the events of yesterday soak away.

My serptine belt broke as well, as a tensioner and pulley in my Montero. $600 later, I am just so mad because I had so many plans for that money, that I was crying and so upset yesterday. Today though, I am grateful that I had the extra money, and I am with a vehicle that is safe to drive. Yes, it sucks to spend that much money on your vehicle, but at least I had it to spend right?

My father called me yesterday from my attorney's office (they are buddies) to ask about the status of my truck. My attorney in the background, asked if I had heard from Ex, and I said, no I will call him today. This was around 9:30 in the morning. I called, and seems Mr. and Mrs. We are so busy at our thriving business, where not in yet, as well as not answering phone calls from their answering service. Couple of phone calls later, and I finally got, "Ex said he isn't in the office right now and he can't take your phone call."

What the hell difference does it make if he is in his "office" or not to take a personal phone call concerning me helping him with his child support arrears?????

One last phone call around 4:30, and Dingo gets on the phone superiorly huffy tone, and said, "Ex is in a conference with a woman and has been all day....he's gotten all your messages."

I say, "ok, well I need some info. 1st of all, did you get the fax of that page that my attorney sent that you requested?"

Dingo: "yes I did."

Me: "Ok, well you said that Ex would email, let me know what is going on and when he planned to send the papers, and I haven't gotten anything."

Dingo: " Well, Ex has gotten all your messages, and when he isn't busy, he'll get back to you."

grrrrrrrrrrrrr..... internal temperature rising.........


Me: "ok. well how about this, do you guys have a home phone number or cell? I'll call him back around 9 tonight, when we are both not busy." {I called their listed home number today, and it has been disconnected}

Dingo: "No! well, ...I mean , yes we have numbers but I am NOT giving them to you" in the snarkiest tone......

LAST FREAKING STRAW: BLOW UP IMMINENT

Me:" you do realize that he is court ordered, and it is a law, that I am provided with his current phone numbers???" ~~Me calling the 1800 number listed on their web site, only talking to the "answering service" is not working, since he isn't able to ever receive his calls.

Dingo: "Well, he's got your messages, if he wants you to know his numbers, he'll call you or email you whatever."

Me: "Ok...just a reminder, IT IS LAW."

AND I HUNG UP THE PHONE.

I was considering telling EX, that I would waive all arreages, yesterday, but after that little stunt. Option dropped. If Dingo thinks that she is big enough, and bad enough, and somewhat important enough to refuse to tell me a way to talk to the other parent of my child, then she can take time from her busy playing with her new puppy, and do the rest of everything, while the arrearages add right up.

As of this moment in time, I am done. I am done doing what should be their work.

As a matter of fact, a great friend of mine, went as far as to drive by their house yesterday (she lives 2 miles away), and as I suspected, it does NOT have a foreclosure sign out front.

So...if he has the ability to come up with quite a few thousand dollars to save the dump from foreclosure....he can come up with his back child support.

Last night, my father called again, to check on me and doodle, and the truck. He then told me he had been by the court house today, to pick up some paperwork, and found out the child support office had filed a "writ" against ex yesterday. I had no idea what that meant. So, I looked up the definition online today:

In law, a writ is a formal written order issued by a body with administrative or judicial jurisdiction. In modern usage, this public body is normally a court. Warrants, prerogative writs, and subpoenas are types of writs, but there are many others.

HOLY COW... HAHAHAHAHAH look at this one I just found!!!!

Writ of Execution
When a paying parent fails to make court-ordered support payments a writ of execution can be issued. A levying officer, usually the sheriff's office, serves the writ on the parent or person or company that is holding an asset of the parent - such as a bank account, retirement fund, inheritance, boat, rental property, etc. -- and takes control of the property. The paying parent has a short period of time after the property is seized to go to court to request the writ be quashed. The writ will only be quashed if the property seized is exempt from xecution, if the seizure was improper, or the debt was already paid. If the writ is not quashed and the property seized is cash or money in an account it will be turned over to the child support agency. If the property seized is not cash, it will be sold at auction and the money from the sale will be turned over to the child support agency.

To be fair... there are also writ's of with holding from paycheck etc, however, has many times declared that he doesn't receive income from the business that his wife owns. Yes, last April, the business went from:

• 80% EX
• 20% Wife

to

• 0% EX
• 100% Wife

So, technically, I have no idea what is going on...but it most certaintly can not be good on their part.

*sigh*

just wanting this to all be over.....

Prostitution As a Career

So , I never talk about anything in the news,but I am going to today. New York Governor Eliot Spitzer got caught as client #9 in a prostitution ring. He isn't the first, he isn't going to be the last. They say it is sinful. They say is spreads diseases. So is causal sex you aren't getting paid for. . . .

First and foremost, I would like to say, that I do not condone prostitution, I personally think it is a vial and filthy way for a woman to live her life. With that said, I think that is a woman so chooses to sell her intimate body parts and services as a career, shouldn't have any other person have the right to tell her to stop , it's her body.

Prostitution is actually one of the oldest professions in the world. At times, it has been celebrated, such as women in Asian cultures who are Geisha's, who were NOT originally or technically prostitutes, but they did have their client #9 or danna. Then there were the ever infamous courtesan's of the 16th century, and they were the lucky ones. Beautiful, taught to be intelligent, and be able to "carry on educated conversations with men" hmmm... is it really that hard? I guess what I am getting at, is at some point in time, prostitution became completely sinful. And I agree to a point. I think intimacy should be about love and passion, and commitment, but who of us haven't had a crazy romp in our lives???

This morning while driving to work, and listening to the radio, I couldn't help but think, "why not let these women, earn a living this way?"

Is is because, this is a career that men could truly not excel at? Yes, yes, I know that there are men prostitutes, but I don't know if they could hold their own in this particular market.

Is is because of women, who fear for their husbands paying to go astray??? I say if your husband is going to be vile enough to sleep with a hooker, divorce his ass, because he doesn't deserve you, your commitment, and loyalty to your marriage anyway.

Hustler and Playboy models make boocoos of money off of showing every crease and cranny they have to the public, why isn't that against the law? Porn is one the biggest industry's alive today, if selling your body for sex, should be illegal, well there is plenty of visual evidence to start throwing all these horrific offenders in the jail house along with all the other murderers, rapists, and other despicable outlaws.

I guess, what I am trying to get at is this: If someone wants to sell you her va-jay-jay for a career, (sooo many of them do behind closed doors in offices, government, anywhere you can excel anyway), I say let them.



If you are old enough to make enough money to pay to have sex with a woman who has seen more penis's than your local urologist, then your old enough to know to wear a condom, and do what is appropriate to prevent the possible spread of diseases.

I know that this is a weird and unusual post, but I can't help but think it.

What do you think?

(oh and by the way....for anyone who is keeping track --- still no cokes and 134.5 lbs this morning!)

My New Office "Chair"

So...I caught an article ( http://www.gearfire.net/10-reasons-to-use-an-exercise-ball-as-your-chair/ )that peeked my interest, Here is the basis of it:

1. Forces proper spine alignment. Because an exercise ball is not stable, your body needs to try to balance itself on it. The perfect spinal posture is coincidently the easiest to balance with. Thus, your body will automatically try to align itself into the proper posture. This helps improve your spinal health, and decrease back pains.

2. Causes you to frequently change positions. An exercise ball causes to you to change your position often to balance. For example, if you turn 45 degrees to face the phone, your body will assume a new position. This helps reduce damage caused by prolonged sitting in the same position.

3. Fitness is at your fingertips. Another great thing about using this alternative to a chair, is that you can do stretches or mini-workouts whenever you want, without getting up. If you’ve ever stuck waiting for a minute or two, you can make productive use of that time with a quick workout or stretch. Because it’s much more convenient, you will probably do it more, thus resulting in better health.

4. Improve your balance. This one is very understandable. Sitting on an unstable surface all day will improve your sense of balance, as well as the reactions of your muscles. The result? An overall better balance, that can be observed out of the office.

5. Get that 6-pack you’ve been wanting. Your body primarily uses your core (abdominal) muscles to help compensate for changes in balance. Thus, your essentially getting a low-key abdominal workout. This may not sound like a lot, but consider the amount of time you spend on your computer at the office, or at home. Those hours can build up, and result in a strengthening of ab muscles.

6. Improves your circulation. Using an exercise ball will keep the blood flowing to all parts of your body, throughout the day. A desk chair on the other hand, reduces circulation to some parts of the body after prolonged use.

7. You’ll feel more energetic. It has been proven that staying in one position, will make you more tired, while moving around and being active with give you more energy. With an exercise ball as a chair, you will feel much more energized after you finish your work.

8. Burn up to 350 calories per day. More movement during the day = more calories burnt. Burning 350 calories per day = losing one pound of fat every 10 days. You may not burn quite 350, but nonetheless, it will help you stay it.

9. Really cheap. Specialized exercise balls designed for sitting usage can range from $15 to $80. Much cheaper than buying an ergonomic chair, which can range anywhere from $100 to $400 and up.

10. C’mon, its fun! Who doesn’t like the idea of bouncing around on an exercise ball all day. Exercise balls are an exciting alternative to chairs, and may just give that spark of fun to your day.

Now you should know that since being a nurse, I have suffered from back pain, but since I have taken this office nurse job, it is sometimes completely intorlerable. I attribute it from sitting at this desk all of most days.

So, I went to Marshall's on my lunch break and found this for $9.99. I am sitting on it as we speak, and I can feel my stomach muscles hard at work. Plus its fun to roll back and forth so far.

It isn't easy for someone who slouches as much as I do, but I am looking forward to working through the initial pain, to see if it really is worth the effort.

My secretary is laughing at me......

Intervention

ok, so I am kind of "addicted" to Intervention on A&E. http://www.aetv.com/intervention/ Which is kind of ironic, since the show is about addicts. Anyway, last night was about a sorority girl who was bulimic. She got kicked out of her sorority house because of a binge where she ate 70 girls month of food in 2 weeks, and naturally threw it all up.





Boyfriend and I was watching, he because I think it just baffled him, me because I was bulimic for about 5 1/2 years. I was never as bad as this girl. Just watching everything she ate made me feel physically ill. I never binged. I would just eat, feel full, cause I was a member of the "clean plate club" growing up, and then throw it up. Boyfriend was amazed when this girl's brother said, they had once taken 30lbs of vomit out of her room. Now I find that disgusting, but I had to explain to boyfriend, when I was still at home in highschool, my mom had pretty much quit cooking dinner, and we ate McDonald's or Sonic everynight. So, I would grab a plastic Wal-Mart bag, be in my room, throw it up, and when I could, take it outside to our trash can. I hide my bulimia from everyone. No one knew it. And thankfully, I guess it wasn't that bad, because I was still always a tad overweight, and never got super skinny from it. But last night I understood the girl, what she was feeling, when she said, "I may never be cool with food."





I still have issues with food and eating, and my body. There was a small period of time, that I liked my weight, but unfortunately, I was there because I was doing other things, that I shouldn't have been doing. They were at first, like any other college kid, an experimentation. But my reward was, I was finally losing weight that I had fought a battle my whole life to lose. I went from my normal 145+lbs, down to 120 in about a month. I was STOKED! I was never 'hungry', and my goodness, I went from a size 7/8 or 9 down to a 4, then later down to a 2.





At rock bottom, was when Ex and I broke up. I had always vowed never to do certain things. But he broke up with me for an ex-girlfriend whose name rhymed with Coke Slut, and so that is what we called her "Her Name-The Coke Slut".





Andy (remember him) came to my apartment one day and saw me in shambles, and ushered me to go somewhere for spring break. Just so happened that my best friend from High School and some of her friends were going to New Orleans, so I tagges along. It was there I decided to give a certain something a try..... we did it all week.





I moved to Houston the next week, where for a few months, our experimentation lead us to something more expensive, and definitely more productive in the weight loss department. I'll never say I was addicted. But I did "it" damn near everyday for months. I never had to pay for it. Andy always gave me plenty, so there it always was. When it ran out, we got more. At the height of this affair, I was playing with about 110, 109 lbs. I loved it. THAT, was what I was addicted to, the weight loss. The size 0-2 clothes. After Larry and I got back together, we 'partied' a little, but since we got engaged and were getting married, I didn't want that life, it didn't fit me, before it was a way to null my heartbreak, and my fear of being overweight. So I stopped, for me it wasn't hard to do really. There were 2 times I wanted to and did, because, well, I 'm not going to lie, it's fun. But then, I finally grew tired and didn't want to do those things at all, however, he always pushed me into it at the end of our 'relationship' a few more than a couple of times, then I found out I was pregnant (I hadn't done anything in over a month), and stopped, cold turkey without looking back. Not to mention, he 'partied' alot while I thought we were both not doing anything like that, which is how I realized all his money was gone, thanks to stippers, and drugs.





I guess watching this girl on tv last night just brought up alot of old memories, and truths. I am freaked out about gaining anymore weight. And before anyone asks, no, I don't nor will I ever use drugs anymore, but I would be lying, if I said I am never trying to figure anything else out that would work. I would be lying if I didn't think about throwing up sometimes. If someone were to show me a pill that wasn't a narcotic, that wouldn't destroy my heart, kidneys, or liver, that would make me lose weight have that kind of energy again, I'd buy it bulk.








This is me, today, my God, you can tell I am a slouch at the computer by the wrinkles on my scrubs. Am I fat? Not really. My scrub shirt that is way old, could be a little bigger. I think my shoulders are too broad, my arms are flabby and could use some super duper toning. My belly, could use alot, as well as my back. These are just the things that go through someone heads that has an "overcritical image of themselves." I am not going to say I have a disorder, but I think way too much, and thankfully I am intelligent, and educated enough to know better than do something stupid, like throwing up again, or anything else that will harm my body.

By the way , this was the haircut I was going for, not exactly what I got. But it can grow out right?

I don't even know why I am blogging about this, I guess, I just feel bad for the girl. I understood her addiction. Hell, I am still addicted to the scales. I weighed 136lbs today, so I guess I got rid of that extra pound, but am I any happier? No. In my head, I will keep saying the same thing I have said to myself for as long as I can remember, "Not good enough."

I guess it is this type of addiction, you can't really get over, you just deal with it. I am absolutely terrified of having another baby, because I am afraid of gaining weight. I am now 16lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Doodlebug. In my head, it is a MUST, a prerequisite if you will for me to drop at least 10lbs and maintain before I ever entertain the idea of getting pregnant. *The mad ramblings of woman fixated on her weight right?* But those are the little thoughts that run wild through my head.

Right now, I am depressed because I can't seem to lose weight. Boyfriend is adding me to his gym membership so that will help, but I can't help but wonder, will I really feel better about my appearance, or will be just something else to hide the fear I have of gaining weight?????

How can 1 lb irritate you so badly?

OK, so I am on a mission....to lose 10 lbs by may 2008. Last week, I stopped drinking sodas. It's officially been 4 days now, (with the exception for a few sips on a diet coke yesterday, and I literally mean like 4). I would have thought there would have been at least a pound, one little single pound shed by that! Nope, I gained one. And I worked like a mad women this weekend.


Friday night was "Date Night" for boyfriend and I. There is a really neat art studio in town that was having a parent's night out from 5:30-9, for $15.00 + bring a meal, so I signed Doodlebug up . I even drove him by there that morning to look at it and things of that nature so it wouldn't be that big of a shock to him. I never just drop him off with anyone, and I was a little apprehensive about it, but a mom I met through a meet up group I joined at meetups.com suggested it, so I thought I would give it a whirl. As soon as I picked him up from school, he was ready to go to Picasso's Place. I drove him through McDonald's for nuggest, apple slices and chocolate milk. I observed 2 other vehicles in front of me singlely getting happy meals as well, as we all pulled out, going to the same place :). I thought he might hug my leg, until he warmed up, but like a duck in water, he was off, rolling play-dough into snakes with other children.


Boyfriend and I spent the entire rest of our night at Outback, mostly at the bar waiting for a table, while drinking 22oz beer, and another on the way to our table...(ah ha....that is probably where that lb came from !). Anyway, then we got into a stupid fight, which I may detail later. I just sent an email to a friend from high school, to see if she can back up my part of the fight, and if she has the right answer, I'll write more about it. But needless to say, that twin over full bunk came in handy , because that was were I slept friday night....I showed him....whatever, that thing was so uncomfortable, I put a feather bed on it yesterday. How many 3 year olds do you know that own two beds? One with a goose down featherbed, and the upper twin that has egg crates??? He's rotten.



Then we spent saturday, diving into our boxes of messes. Throwing some stuff to the trash, some stuff the garage sale pile, others to the put back in the plastic totes (as my mother calls them) and up in the attic. Which was another huge fiasco. We had to make another trip to lowes because boyfriend who has searched the attic when we first moved in for critters, said we needed ply wood, to put across the rafters so we could make solid places for our boxes. Ok, I felt it ok to spend the money on that, so I bought two huge pieces of plywood at $34. We got home, and guess what is up in the attic?

1. Enough ply wood, that we make a few places to place our storage containers.



2. A little furry rat, whom I now call Ralphy, who made my boyfriend jump and almost squeal too cute.

So, I am not sure what he and his brother did for like an hour and a half that night in the attic, but there is a critter....and there is plywood. I'm taking what we bought back, one sheet of it anyway, boyfriend wants to make a sturdier door from the other sheet for the shed outside, I can't wait to see how this turns out *rolling eyes, with a massive inspiration*.



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Then, yesterday, we got rid of my beast of a king size mattress, FINALLY. My parents gave it to me, when I got my first apartment, that was mine alone, back in 2001. They had first gotten it back when my niece was a baby, and she will be 20 this year. So, ick... it was in need of being chunked! Then we (I) took some stuff to my brother's for our combo garage sale. And last, I started tackling some of the decorations for doodle's room. I am still not finished, and I have to say that the bunk takes up sooooooooo much room!!! But we turned it around, and put cork board up behind the headboards, and are planning to add some tiki-skirting under the cork boards to make little curtains, so just imagine along with me.


















The moon light that you see, it really cool! I got it at Ikea, but is just darling when it's lit up in a dark room. I also got him a second one that is a blue star just to the left of his bed. He loves to sing "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star", whenever he turns them on at night. I have the matching twin quilt now in the mail too. I had too. So much for my savings account, right??


He came home with two paintings from Picasso's Place, so I tacked them onto his top twin board.






















Here is a sort of different angle. Yes, he is 3, still loves his blankie and still sucks his thumb when we are not reminding him not to. I wish I would have closed the blinds sooner, or at least before taking the pictures! I am thinking that I want to make a red and white stripped curtain for his window, but can't decided for sure. What do you think? Leave the blinds? make a curtain? Any suggestions about the room at all are definitely appreciated! And I have to say , I love his bed. I think I made a great purchase here! It's much sturdier than the metal one for sure! Little monkeys...jump on the bed.....


This is actually a neat picture, you can see my little starfish now that are painted and not just wood anymore! They were suppose to be Texas stars, but I painted the outside white, the inside yellow, and left the star the natural wood color so it would look more like a starfish.





















I also found 2 really cool posters from www. allposters.com for his room! Boyfriend, donated a pretty shirt from a Ron Jon Surf shop for me to do something creative with, it's on his red oversized anywhere chair.



















For right now, I have his TV on a plastic set of drawers, it works, for now at least. When I was a teen (and now too I guess) I have always been a hopeless beach lover. I even went through my surfer (if you can call it that on Texas waves) phase. To commerate all things Holy in the land of Surf and Turf, I found this super cool, tin Endless Summer Poster, as well as beachy wall stickers from Target, and I stole boyfriend Tiki Torches, that used to be on his apartment balcony.






















Ok, so I messed up on my pictures here, but that's ok :) This was the other picture poster I got. It is just really pretty and colorful, but there is a big glare on it, but I think you can somewhat make it out. The palm tress and the surf boards are complementary of a kit I got at Target for about $15.00.





















I also got the live to surf board at Target, and the cutie hula girl and hut picture is one that boyfriend had at his apartment, I think in his kitchen, but I can't remember. And last but not least, I still haven't tackled the monster of the nook where his bookshelf currently resides piled with toys, boys, those cute to be put up toy holders I bought at Ikea too.... There will be toys to be sold at the garage sale.....I can't wait.









So that was the majority of my weekend.





This week is going to be a monster. Already work has been tough. I started this at about 8:30 this morning, and right now I am eating my lean cuisine pizza and drinking water....dying for a coke though!





I really want to get back into shape. Yesterday while Doodle was sleeping and I was tying myself into knots to get the featherbed on his bunk, I was watchign bulging brides, and kept wondering about the fact, that if THEY can do it in 6 weeks, I should be able to as well....




Let the count down begin.




Weighed today: 137lbs. Not happy about that at all......
36 inches at bust (with padded bra...sad I know)
30 inches at waist, although boyfriend and I argue about where that is. I say it's where I curve in between my ribs and my hips. He says that is my ribs. He think my waist is where the "waistband of your jeans or underwear sit"...I think he doesn't understand the term "hip-huggers". . . .
37 big ol inches at my butt.....







ok...I'm super sad now...........

What to Think About When....

When you have absolutely nothing and absolutely everything to think about???




For one, I am restudying my Nursing 4 exam (yawn) <~ but I guess I shouldn't be yawning if I failed it with a D last time right? I am thinking about all the boxes that still need unpacking......and all the stuff that needs to be done around the house..... I am trying really really hard not to think about the EX, and why those damed papers haven't made it to my attorney yet. And yes... I have done it again, which means her myspace reads:

Dingo is hoping my baby gets me a new puppy this week!!!

Really? Last time I knew, having a new puppy isn't cheap, and they already have a dog, that can't be more than 3-4 years old. Ugh.




I am looking for a new job, and interviewed for one I fell in love with yesterday and hoping it goes well.




I'm actually on the phone with the AG and they are soooooo ridiculous and won't tell me anything, because I have an attorney, then...they won't even transfer me to my case worker who knows it's ok to talk to me since my attorney gave them permission! This is so frustrating.




I just want to know if EX or Dingo have spoken with them at all about our 'arrangement'.




oh wait some has got on the line!




Oh yeah baby, and now she's transferring me to the attorney for the AG who handles my case!!




****** holding ******




Ok, so, I do believe in the best interest of ridding myself of everything. I am going to agree to release everything. The attorney said, all my attorney needs to do, is to set a court date, I am going to ask for either March 21 (Good Friday & I am off of work that day!) or March 24th. Show up to court, finalize the termination, me sign the judgment and release, and it will all be over with!!!




I know that actually have a little extra money in hand could have been nice. But what can be nicer, starting where I can finally stop worrying about all of this. I know it won't happen over night. But I have all the faith in the world that it will happen.





Do I just bucked it up and called Ex....Dingo got on the phone, HEAVEN FORBID EX TALK TO ME DIRECTLY :)) Lord help the two of them, because I dare not believe that they can help themselves.




She said, he hasn't sent them yet, because she notarized them for him, and well his father (who is an attorney) didn't think that was ok. So she needs my attorney to resend them. Seems Ex is asking his father for help drawing up the agreement we had. Great if it works, if not, I'll still release it.




So I just faxed a little note to my attorney...hoping he is out of court soon so we can talk.