Intervention

ok, so I am kind of "addicted" to Intervention on A&E. http://www.aetv.com/intervention/ Which is kind of ironic, since the show is about addicts. Anyway, last night was about a sorority girl who was bulimic. She got kicked out of her sorority house because of a binge where she ate 70 girls month of food in 2 weeks, and naturally threw it all up.





Boyfriend and I was watching, he because I think it just baffled him, me because I was bulimic for about 5 1/2 years. I was never as bad as this girl. Just watching everything she ate made me feel physically ill. I never binged. I would just eat, feel full, cause I was a member of the "clean plate club" growing up, and then throw it up. Boyfriend was amazed when this girl's brother said, they had once taken 30lbs of vomit out of her room. Now I find that disgusting, but I had to explain to boyfriend, when I was still at home in highschool, my mom had pretty much quit cooking dinner, and we ate McDonald's or Sonic everynight. So, I would grab a plastic Wal-Mart bag, be in my room, throw it up, and when I could, take it outside to our trash can. I hide my bulimia from everyone. No one knew it. And thankfully, I guess it wasn't that bad, because I was still always a tad overweight, and never got super skinny from it. But last night I understood the girl, what she was feeling, when she said, "I may never be cool with food."





I still have issues with food and eating, and my body. There was a small period of time, that I liked my weight, but unfortunately, I was there because I was doing other things, that I shouldn't have been doing. They were at first, like any other college kid, an experimentation. But my reward was, I was finally losing weight that I had fought a battle my whole life to lose. I went from my normal 145+lbs, down to 120 in about a month. I was STOKED! I was never 'hungry', and my goodness, I went from a size 7/8 or 9 down to a 4, then later down to a 2.





At rock bottom, was when Ex and I broke up. I had always vowed never to do certain things. But he broke up with me for an ex-girlfriend whose name rhymed with Coke Slut, and so that is what we called her "Her Name-The Coke Slut".





Andy (remember him) came to my apartment one day and saw me in shambles, and ushered me to go somewhere for spring break. Just so happened that my best friend from High School and some of her friends were going to New Orleans, so I tagges along. It was there I decided to give a certain something a try..... we did it all week.





I moved to Houston the next week, where for a few months, our experimentation lead us to something more expensive, and definitely more productive in the weight loss department. I'll never say I was addicted. But I did "it" damn near everyday for months. I never had to pay for it. Andy always gave me plenty, so there it always was. When it ran out, we got more. At the height of this affair, I was playing with about 110, 109 lbs. I loved it. THAT, was what I was addicted to, the weight loss. The size 0-2 clothes. After Larry and I got back together, we 'partied' a little, but since we got engaged and were getting married, I didn't want that life, it didn't fit me, before it was a way to null my heartbreak, and my fear of being overweight. So I stopped, for me it wasn't hard to do really. There were 2 times I wanted to and did, because, well, I 'm not going to lie, it's fun. But then, I finally grew tired and didn't want to do those things at all, however, he always pushed me into it at the end of our 'relationship' a few more than a couple of times, then I found out I was pregnant (I hadn't done anything in over a month), and stopped, cold turkey without looking back. Not to mention, he 'partied' alot while I thought we were both not doing anything like that, which is how I realized all his money was gone, thanks to stippers, and drugs.





I guess watching this girl on tv last night just brought up alot of old memories, and truths. I am freaked out about gaining anymore weight. And before anyone asks, no, I don't nor will I ever use drugs anymore, but I would be lying, if I said I am never trying to figure anything else out that would work. I would be lying if I didn't think about throwing up sometimes. If someone were to show me a pill that wasn't a narcotic, that wouldn't destroy my heart, kidneys, or liver, that would make me lose weight have that kind of energy again, I'd buy it bulk.








This is me, today, my God, you can tell I am a slouch at the computer by the wrinkles on my scrubs. Am I fat? Not really. My scrub shirt that is way old, could be a little bigger. I think my shoulders are too broad, my arms are flabby and could use some super duper toning. My belly, could use alot, as well as my back. These are just the things that go through someone heads that has an "overcritical image of themselves." I am not going to say I have a disorder, but I think way too much, and thankfully I am intelligent, and educated enough to know better than do something stupid, like throwing up again, or anything else that will harm my body.

By the way , this was the haircut I was going for, not exactly what I got. But it can grow out right?

I don't even know why I am blogging about this, I guess, I just feel bad for the girl. I understood her addiction. Hell, I am still addicted to the scales. I weighed 136lbs today, so I guess I got rid of that extra pound, but am I any happier? No. In my head, I will keep saying the same thing I have said to myself for as long as I can remember, "Not good enough."

I guess it is this type of addiction, you can't really get over, you just deal with it. I am absolutely terrified of having another baby, because I am afraid of gaining weight. I am now 16lbs heavier than I was when I got pregnant with Doodlebug. In my head, it is a MUST, a prerequisite if you will for me to drop at least 10lbs and maintain before I ever entertain the idea of getting pregnant. *The mad ramblings of woman fixated on her weight right?* But those are the little thoughts that run wild through my head.

Right now, I am depressed because I can't seem to lose weight. Boyfriend is adding me to his gym membership so that will help, but I can't help but wonder, will I really feel better about my appearance, or will be just something else to hide the fear I have of gaining weight?????