Did Ya'll know I went to Fiji Last Night??

I couldn't help but think of MommyPie, when I took this picture, although hers are much better with the Photoshop action. One day,...I'm going to buy photoshop and play too :) But this will do for now.

Anyway, Last night, as I was sitting my last class (which was from 5-11:30) of my American Red Cross, CPR/FIRSTAID/AED Instructor class, my mind kept drifting, all over the place,....hmmm I wonder why??

I couldn't help but keep looking at my bottle and thinking: Could I really just sell everything and move there???? Could I be happy doing something like that?? And do you know, what the only two objections I could come up with were? 1) I've never been there, so I really don't know if I would like it, and 2) I think I would have to quarantine my dog, and I can't stand the thought of him being in "prison" for any length of time.

Then I phone started vibrating, it was my friend "Z". My friend "Z" is one of the most charming, sweetest, most sincere people I have ever met. We worked together when I lived in Austin. It's like we became best of friends almost instantaneously. One of the first things I remember her saying to me was, "It's like you never worked here, and then you showed up one day, and it feels like you've just always been here." Simple statement right. But it made me feel good, and cared for, which was pretty important, because at that time, The EX and I were still engaged and living together. Z and I usually worked the same shifts, which was pretty convenient since she was in charge of the schedule, and we always had Wednesday's off so we could for sure lay out on those days...and usually any other day we had off. She quickly became my best friend. I always felt like I could tell her anything. She was just quite simple an amazing friend. She even had dinner and met the Ex once, and I remember thinking, "oh God, please let him be on his best behavior and polite" ( I knew then...this can't be right), but he came, ate, and left....I was so embarrassed. But she never acted like it bothered her, and I was grateful. ( How sad is it that I am crying right even thinking about what a smuck I was back then to let him treat me or my friends like that?)

So, anyway, best friend that she was, she was the one, I asked to be there with me, for me, for my unborn baby during birth. I was so embarrassed to be 'alone', that I never took a Lamaze class, but I got a DVD from the hospital education classes, and she came over and watched them with me. She planned the most amazing baby shower I could have asked for. She would go off her Atkins diet to go to the Olive Garden with me when I had a doctor's appointment to get a sonogram, and we just would say, "Diet? What diet? it's sonogram day!" As a matter of fact, as my due date was approaching, so was the end of my lease on my apartment. With still a week to go, and not a labor pain in sight, she let me come stay in her home, in her spare room, until Doodlebug was born. She even ganged up with the other nurses and forced me to take that Monday off, as I had already worked something like 54 hours that pay check, and had Tuesday off for my doctor's appointment, and scheduled myself to work on my due date. Lucky for me, she was the charge nurse for post partum the day I had that appointment, so when they made me go from the office to L&D, she was either right there at my side, or in front of the monitor watching me and the baby. Who could ask for more right? Well, it still gets better. They decided to keep me over night to induce me, and she stayed with me. Heck, she even "called in", had another nurse take her place on the floor before the shift was over so that she could be with me.

The next she never left me. She held my hand. She watched and monitored my contractions, gave me a warm "it's gonna be ok just relax smile" whenever they would tell me, I am still not dilating, or my water if full of meconium, or any of the other worst case scenario's came my way. She was the one holding my hand and rubbing my hair when the doctor told me I had to have a c-section, and started crying. Then I'll never forget, I whispered to my other friend "S" who knew the Ex very well, "he should have been here." Minutes came by, shift changed, and everything went to hell in a hand basket. Things were wrong, very wrong. But Z stayed the course. Another (newer) friend, "E" came to see me after her shift, she was transfer from L&D and very comforting to have here there as well. What I remember the most, is my nurse, running in and out, "E" checking my monitors, glancing at me, whispering to Z, but both always smiling and telling me we were going to be ok. Then there was the screaming, to call the doctor, that I needed and emergency c-section, being whisked down the hall, and taken to an operating room. And guess who was by my side? Z. She was excited, and nervous, I could see it in her eyes, but she still held on, and smiled for me, and got sooo excited when they were opening me and staying, "ooohh Ana...Here he comes!!" E was directly behind her, and the next thing I remember is saying, "take a picture what does he look like." She said, No. But when I finally looked at her, my heart stopped. The heartbreak I saw in her eyes, made my own heart stop beating. Then a nurse calmly came over to me and, "Ana, I know you know what everything means, I need you to remain calm for what you are about to hear. . "and as she trailed off, I heard it, They had called a Code Blue, on my baby. My hand never left hers. She held on for dear life, mine, and his. As the NICU resuscitation came running in, she gave me the best play by play with the least information she should. It made me feel better. Except for when I would ask things like, "why can't I hear him crying, why can't I hear my baby. What's wrong with him?" She would glance down at me quickly, so I couldn't see the standing tears in her eyes, and would just whisper, "I don't' know, I can't really see."

Doodle was taken to NICU and stayed for a week. Z, stayed with me as often as possible, and visited as much as should could when she was working. After I moved home, she even came all the way out to BFE to see me and Doodlebug. This is someone who didn't know me from Adam, but has been one of the most important people in my life, she helped me bring Doodlebug into this world.

I guess I am writing because I feel a little ashamed. I haven't spent much time with her in way too long. She herself has now had two amazingly beautiful sons of her own, and I wasn't there for either of them. That alone kills me. I have been so wrapped up in myself, that I haven't taken the time I should have been taking, to call her, visit her, anything.

I know that because in her voicemail last night, I heard that same, sweet, caring, voice I had once knew so well. She had read my blog, and had said, "I had no idea what you have been going through." And I couldn't help but think:....When was the last time I called her, to see what she is doing, what she is going through. I feel sorrow because I feel that I haven't been the friend to Z, that she has always been to me.

And Z, if you read this, please know, I am sorry. I promise, I am going to start making more time for the important people in my life. Even if it means, brown bagging it for 3 weeks straight to get there, I'm coming home to see you and the boys.