A sweet and sad weekend

So the doodle's and I tracked all the way to Austin this weekend to visit our friends, "T her daughter, and son, and "Z" and her 2 sons. It was a fun drive, although alot longer than I thought. It was such a great time, so get to see my friends, and their children, and watch them all play together.

A sweet sadness rushes over me each and every time I leave Austin, because, Austin, is the one place that feels like "home" to me, but this time was even worse.

It was a weird feeling, because I was watching, and listening to my friends, who I thought I had everything in common with, and realized, that we might not have that much in common at all anymore, than the ages of our children.

They are both stay at home moms, except for"Z" who works 16ish hrs a month, which I didn't know, and I am soooooooooo happy for her, and it was then, when I found that out, I realized, I am still and probably always be the odd one out.

They both gushed about things like 'mis-treatments' which I knew nothing about, or tried to explain CVSing to me, which sounds like a great idea, but I just don't think I'll ever have the time to do it.

But it was when, I saw T,....letting her daughter chose a board game that I realized how different we were. I couldn't help but stand there amazed at how relaxed, and unhurried she was, when asking her daughter to choose between games....and I thought....wow, because she isn't trying to hurry an entire day of time with her baby into a few hours like I do everyday. And I think because of that, she is a better mom. I on the other hand, am rushing from the moment I wake him up with, "hurry up baby, Mommy's late, we gotta leave!", to trying to fit an entire day of love into the minutes from when I pick him up at about 5:45pm, to the moment I put him to bed around 9pm.
I say 'better mom' because she was telling me a story about her sister-in-law, who is now a better mom because she got a new vehicle, and it makes her happy, and therefore made her a better mom. I cried so much on the way home, I ended up taking an ativan to sleep, and started taking my lexapro again, just because, I feel like I am running in a rat wheel sometimes.

I can't help but wonder if I will ever feel successful to me. Yes of course I do sometimes, but man it really hit me hard Saturday, mostly because I wish I had the one thing the two of them have, that no matter how hard I work....I'll never get ~ just more time with my child.

And for one of many times I am sure, I will wonder, am I doing good enough for him? What about future children? Are they lacking for me not being able to be home. I don't know, it was just the ease and grace one of my friends had while we all were grazing around her home and I thought, "wow".... what a wonderful world for her and her children. I can't image waking up leisurely, and my children doing to so as well, and off for a day of play in the yard, and snacks, and cartoons, or a trip to the park!!! What an adventure!

So,...if anyone knows a way to cheat and give me the winning lottery ticket numbers,....I'll gladly share with you. :)

On another note, I did just now, at this moment find out that I have court facing the EX, on June 24, at 8:00.......63 days from now.