An Unfortunate Reality

It's been a long week for me.




The doodlebug, unexpectedly got sick this weekend. You KNOW your child is sick, when they are playing with the neighbor kids outside "at the farm" in their battery operated monster truck around all the new mud, and they walk in on their own, because they want to take a nap. Then they wake up about an hour and a half later with a temperature of 102.6, and starts vomiting. Needless to say, a very long, exhausting weekend of taking care of a sick toddler. Then to add to the magic, I started feeling sick. But a few days of laying around, not really doing anything, other than trying to lay quietly on the couch when I got home from work, & bed at 8 pm last night, and today I actually feel tons better.




A moment of sad reality hit me this morning though. And I thought: How sad of a romantic reality, it is, that is thrust upon single moms. From the beginning of 'being single', we daydream and romanticize about being back in a loving, romantic wistful relationship, and how great someone is going to be when we fall in love again, and they with us and our little one(s). And for some of us it does happen, and we are lucky. And in the beginning of our new budding romances, it almost is just like it was before, almost. But there is a difference, a huge difference. We have responsibilities. Things that must be done and taken care of before we can even start to think about our own life, much less our romantic life. For example, as I glanced at the clock in my truck this morning, it was 6:32, and I couldn't help but think, my boyfriend's alarm hasn't even gone off yet. He, is still sleeping. I, have gotten up, showered, fixed coffee, my breakfast, packed Doodlebug's breakfast, made his hot chocolate, walked the dog, dressed, dressed my son, packed my stuff for the day, in the car and headed out of the driveway.




As I started my drive this morning, the sad thought entered my head, if he ever asked me (which he has in some ways but not directly) if I could live without him, I would have to answer: Of course. Which isn't something someone in love wants to hear or even think about. But that is the sad, unfortunate reality of single moms. We can live without them. We have lived without them. We have survived, and need be, of course we still could. And that's sad to me, because I can remember being in love, and feeling like I just couldn't live without that person, and that, I feel has somewhat been robbed from me, and in the same breathe, on the flip side, is incredibly liberating too. Yes of course I would like have that special someone in my life, but I have learned to do it on my own, so that sense of "I'll do whatever it takes, to make this relationship work," is just lost on me. I don't have that feeling. That part of me is pretty much dead.




I say that because we had another fight on New Year's Day. And I didn't cry. I didn't care. If we broke up , yes I would have been sad, but I would have moved on much easier than he, and that actually broke my heart. Have I learned to be that heartless? Has being a single mom, roughing it, made me cynical? Closed off to "fighting for what I want?"




I almost hate to say it, but the thing is....I am mostly satisfied and content to come home every day, fix dinner, be lazy on the couch and go to bed, not worry about romance.




Grr, enough about all of that.




What else to talk about now, I guess my dieting which just isn't going. I've gained 2+lbs. Not happy.




I would give anything to lose about 10 lbs, but that would take going to the gym, and um,... where to find the time right?




Ok, going to study now.