A bad day already, woke up this way

So yesterday, is actually when it started.




I talk about forgiving 'someone', but on some days like yesterday, and today still, it is the hardest thing I can imagine doing, well not really, but you get the idea.




This 'someone' is the person, my son actually as some point has to call his biological father. This someone, doesn't pay child support, and hasn't seen my son in well over 2 years, and he's 3 years old. That part doesn't bother me. What bothers me, is looking at my bank account. Today, I have $140.31 in my checking, and $115.69 in savings. Friday, $106 of that will automatically come out, for repayment of the loan I took out for my RN nursing manuels. I need groceries. Soon, I'll need gas for my car to get to work and back. I also need $175 for the last week of Daycare this month. Hmmm, can you see where I am frustrated???




Do you know what his 'wife's' myspace comment says??? She is soooooooooooooo ready for Christmas!!!!! yeah, cause I am sure, she has the luxury of buying Christmas presents. She herself has stated on myspace before that her and her best friend, "go out alot".....




So she's kind of sitting pretty, having a great time, and I am worrying about how I am going to keep my son in daycare, and even feed him.




I am frustrated because at our last court date, after fighting with me all day over the amount of child support he wanted to pay versus what the state says he should pay, he went to my attorney's office, and decided he would rather terminate his parental rights, rather than pay child support. Coming from a man who just hours before made this statement, "well some months, my company makes $200,00 a month".....and yet, zero of that makes its way to pay child support. Sad world isn't it? Don't get me wrong, I think termination is the best thing for us. As of right now, the judge is leaning toward, not allowing it because they don't want to create a "father-less child"....




What a joke right? What do you call him at this very moment? No child support. The "father" doesn't exercise any kind of visitation. He is in fact, a "father-less" child.... who has a daddy.




My boyfriend, has played 'daddy' just about since the day he met him over a year and a half ago.




So no. When will the court, and the states start standing up for our children, rather than make up a silly statement like "we dont' want to create a father-less child", news break,....the court isn't creating one, the man who donated, and the wife who literally takes food out of this baby's mouth to pay her bar tab, and tips her manicurist creates the father-less child in this scenario.




Then I start think about so many things, and my mind becomes a cloud of sadness, and feeling like a failure.




I feel like I have failed myself, because I am a struggling single mom.




I feel like I have failed my son, because people make statements about him being a father-less child.




I feel like I have failed 'my family' because we live in a garage apartment, with no yard for him to really play in, because that is all I can afford.




I feel like I am a failure, because my son is wearing clothes that are acutally just a little bit too small *but still work* because I can't afford to buy him new ones.




I feel like I am a failure because, I dont' have time or the energy to be a great girlfriend. I don't have anyone (or the money) to watch my son, so my boyfriend and I can acutally "date".




I guess over all, I am just having a bad day.




So now it's 9:33




and I just went and looked at my own myspace page, which is something I rarely do.




And I am smiling.




I have slideshows of me, and my son. And what I see is a happy baby. One with a beautiful smile, and sparkling eyes. A baby who knows that he is loved. A baby who knows his mommy is and has always been there for him. I may feel like a failure in so many ways, but when I think about the sound of his laugh, the sparkle in his eyes, and that smile on his face, or the adorable way he says, "Mommy, you are my friend." or "I wuv you Mommy", then I know, I have done something right.




This is where I need to take a deep breath, stop trying to rush through my days, and start enjoying the wonderful things I DO have.