The Lesson from a Meeting. . .

Like I said originally. There are some huge new changes in my life.









Changes so huge, it has inspired me to seek help from above.









To learn forgiveness.









I had to go to my pastor, to get a better idea, and what it really was about. And I am not an every sunday church goer. I go when I can, which isn't often, especially since I have moved to Houston, but the hurt has been enough for me to go home, and find someone who can listen without being partial to the entire story. I am not looking for someone to feel sorry for me, I am looking for someone to listen.






I have had the hardest time trying to understand the concept of forgiveness. I keep thinking, If I forgive this person(s) then that lets them off the hook. But it doesn't. The forgiveness that I am reaching out for first and foremost, is to forgive myself.






For so long, I have held onto so much bitterness, and anger, that it has finally started affecting other really important parts of my life. I held on because somehow, you think, if I let it go, then that means that it makes what this person, or these people have done to me ok, and they aren't being punished for these things. The sad reality is though, that I am and have been the only one is has been punished. I am the only one who has held on to ALL of these hurts and remember each and every one of them. I am the only one, who is letting them interfere with my life. They aren't. They are having a jolly old good time, but really, some people just don't get it. Some people do not have a conscience, or if they do, it is overruled by their selfishness.






I was told sunday, that forgiveness is like a pyramid, it has 3 sides: Forgiveness from God, forgivess from or for yourself, and forgiveness has to be given that forgiveness has to be a maintence process.




(oh ........... my ................god..................... I have been typing for the last HOUR! AND IT DIDNT' SAVE! IT WAS DELETED AND I HAD TO SIGN BACK IN ...........................)




OK....




Just had to walk around the office and breath. Ate and afternoon snack, and decided I will type it all over, but in multiple blogs, probably safer that way.




Ok, so I was on forgiveness right?




On the maintence process, my pastor told me (which I had for some reason never thought of on my own) when you decide to forgive yourself, or someone else, it's not just a one time job. It's something that you have to do frequently. Something you have to do everytime you think of the injustice or the hurt done upon you. He said, you can finally build the courage to forgive someone (and yes, it does take alot of courage) but then you have to do it everytime there is a memory of that hurt. And at first, that hurt may be recalled daily, and in my case, sometimes multiple times daily,....but eventually, one day you will wake up, and you will have realized that you havn't thought of that in a month. I haven't even reached a week yet. So I am sure it will be awhile.




He also told me, there will be days, that are just bad days. I had one a week ago. I literally just woke up in a bad mood. I knew it the moment I woke up. I made sure to also tell everyone around me about it too. I did that because I didnt' want my boyfriend, or my secretary to take it as anything other that what it was - a bad mood. And I can lie all I want, and just say it was for no reason, but it would be that, a lie. I have bottled up hurt, hatered, anger, jealousy, and bitterness for so long, that on that morning, it just started seeping out.




So, after this long talk with my pastor. I have started the process of forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for not really knowing better for loving someone I shouldn't have, even though I say all the "I sooooooooo knew better." Forgive myself for feeling pitty for me. Forgive myself for sometimes missing my young fun life. Forgive myself for lots of things. Past mistakes. My past in general.




In doing this, I entertain the idea of forgiving the person who turned into 2 people to have to forgive. And although I haven't done it yet, I suppose thinking about it is at the very least a step into the right direction, right? Because the mere thought of it, has made my soul feel lighter already, and that has to be a good thing. It's a work in progress for sure, but like all my new plans and ideas, it will just have to be one day at a time.