Christmas is over,...whew, we made it

Wow... I made it through the first Christmas my son actually could understand "Santa", and presents, and all the fun stuff.




In my head, I want the 2.2, white picket fence, dog, etc. However, what I have at the moment, does not include the white picket fence, I have one child, a (white) dog, and a boyfriend. Not quite there, but hey, at least I'm closer right?




So, I decided a long time ago, that I wanted so much more for my son, than I had. What I mean by that is: I'm going to hug him, alot, because my mom just never did that. I want him to know, that Mommy is there, and wants to be included in his little life, and I want us to do things together. I also wanted to start 'traditions', because that was also something I didn't have.




So in this grand scheme of ideas, I thought, "let's make cookies for Santa!" Thinking, how much fun it would be to actually cut cookies and decorate them, would be soooo much fun!!! But, we drove back to my mom's for the holiday, and were just super short on time, I thought, we'll just get premade cookie dough, roll it out...and that way, we've short cut lots of steps. This wasn't the best idea. The dough, was too soft, and we had the hardest time! Then to make matters worse, apparently the premade cookie dough super expands in the oven, so all the time you just spent on the cut outs... have just turned into big blobs that do not resemble the shapes we just made. So in a made dash after we took them out of the oven, boyfriend and I recut the shapes, and ended up with 3 bags of excess cookie stuff that we handed out on Christmas Day to my brother, nieces and nephews with a smile. At least we crack ourselves up. I'm not even going to comment on the decorating, because we were awful at that too.... but I think, when we stay at home next year, we will try it again, I just have to definitely have to study up on it. That or resort to something like, just plain chocolate chip or snickerdoodles, no shapes to be cut!




I would be lying if I said, that the 'others' didn't creep into my mind at all in the last 24 hours, because they did. I can't help on some days but to think: "I wonder, if there is any human emotion (self-less of course) that would spur them to send any kind of financial support, this month of Christmas, to help with the child, he(they) are about to write off forever.....




Nope. Not a penny. But her myspace tag reads: "I got pink and brown golf clubs for Christmas!!!! Thanks baby:):):)"




awww...isn't that sweet. This is ANOTHER prime moment when I have to take deep breaths and tell myself, I have the PRICELESS gift. I have the baby. WE HAVE EACH OTHER. And we have a love far greater than that of anything that can be bought.




And yes,... I know I shouldn't look at things like that. And I do less and less. Recovering from a habit is a step by step thing. I won't be able to stop just like that. But I am getting better at it.




I have a grand total of $0.52 in my checking account, and $2.69 in my savings. Gotta make it through until the 31st, which is payday. I can do this.




My daddy is watching the furchild for the remainder of the week for me, and my mother is watching my son for me. And thank goodness for that. Obviously I can't afford day care this week at $175. And, well, I might get some me time. I say might, because my boyfriend wants to do stuff...and i want to do stuff too. I spent the night with him last night, and will tonight, after we go see a movie. yea! But I have already claimed thursday night as MINE! He is taking me to New Orleans, for New Year's to meet up with one of his friends, his sister and her husband, so I need to pack thursday for the weekend, ...and just have some time to myself.




He dropped me off at home last night so I could get things together to spend the night with him and pick up my truck, and my house was so eerie without the noise of my son, and my dog. I bolted out of there not long after he backed out of my driveway. I hope I dont' freak out thursday! It's weird, because I daydream of having quite alone time, and I had about 3 mintues of it last night, and was so weirded out, I ran out the door.




This morning on my way to work, I thought alot. I do that alot on my way to work. I listened to my Joel Osteen audio book, disc 4 to be exact, and keep thinking, how do you stop from letting bad thoughts enter your mind. I know that they are what is poisonous to you, but how do you just shut them out?




Augh....




ok.......It's not a bad day, it's just not a great day, if you know what I mean.




Ok...shaking it off.




Can't walk today, it's raining :(




I need to read for awhile. Do something productive.